Things a Good Son Never Tells His Mother


1. Frank and Joey are best friends

"Hey Frank, are you still grounded."

"Joey, come here. I wanna show you something."

"What?"

"Just come here and I'll show you."

"Is your mother home?"

"Yeah, but it's ok. Just knock on the door."

(Knock, knock, knock. Frank's mother opens the door)

"Why hello Joey. I'm sorry but Frank can't come out to play today. He's been grounded."

"Ah, mom. I just want to show him something. Can't he come in. We won't leave the yard."

"No, you heard what I said."

"Puleeeeeeezzzzzeeee...."

"Ok, but you two stay in the backyard, you hear me. I don't want you wandering off."

"C'mon Joey, let's go out back."

"What did you want to show me?"

"Look here, in this bucket."

"What is it?"

"A lizard."

"A lizard?"

"Yeah, I caught him and put him in this bucket."

"Man, I've caught lots of lizards. So what?"

"I don't know. Let's do something with him."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. How about we tie him to a kite and fly him up in the air."

"What for?"

"I never seen a lizard fly before. Have you? C'mon, it'll be cool."

"Ok, I guess so. Go get the kite"

(Frank gets the kite and some string)

"Alright, now what?"

"We take some string and tie him on to the tail. Yeah, like that. Alright, now let's see if we can get it up in the air."

(Joey takes the ball of string and ties it to the kite. Frank takes the kite to other end of the yard and waits for a gust of wind. Soon, the kite is in the air)

"Ok, now what? He's just hanging there. He ain't doing nothing."

"Let's get it higher. Let out some more line.

(Joey lets out more line)

"Man, he's way up there now."

"He's just hanging there. This is stupid."

"What a dumb lizard. He's not moving around or nothing. He's just...oops!"

"What happened? Where'd the lizard go?"

"He fell off. Didn't you see him? I think he fell in that sticker bush over there. Go see if you can find him."

"You go see if you can find him."

"I can't leave the yard. Hurry, go find him before he gets away."

(Joey jumps the fence and approaches the sticker bush)

"I don't see him."

"Keep looking. He fell right in there."

"I don't see...wait. Is that him?"

"Did you find him?"

"Yeah, but I think he's dead. He's just lying on his back and not moving or nothing."

"Aw, crap."

"Yeah, he's dead."

"Ok, c'mon back

(Joey jumps back over the fence and stands next to Frank as they both look at the kite flying lizardless in the air)

"What do you wanna do now?"


2. Frank and Joey in High School

"Act straight. You're blowin' it man."

"What?"

"Act straight, Frank. g0ddam it. Mr. Sweeney's coming. You wanna get busted?"

"Mr. Sweeney ain't gonna bust us."

(Mr. Sweeney approaches the boys)

"Hi Frank, how's it goin?"

"Great Mr. Sweeney. I finished all the problems last night."

"Good. Uh, Frank, can I talk to you for a second."

"Sure."

"I mean in private. Your friend won't mind, will he? I just want to talk to Frank for moment."

"Sure. Go ahead."

(Mr. Sweeney and Frank step down the hall and have a private conversation. When they're finished Frank walks back with a big grin on his face)

"What's so funny?"

(Frank is stoned and starts to giggle)

"What are you laughing about? What did Sweeney say?"

"He wants me to join his Bible Study Group."

"What?"

"Yeah, Sweeney goes to my church and he wants me to join his afterschool Bible Study Group. He says you're a bad influence on me."

(Now Joey starts to laugh. Frank joins him and they both start coughing and turning red from laughing so hard)

"You're gonna go to Bible Study Class with Sweeney?"

"Yeah. Why not. You're a bad influence, you little shit."

"I'm a bad influence. How about all those dopers at your church that you're always partying with."

"Fucking Sweeney. Can you believe that guy? It's like he wants to save me or something. C'mon, let's cut school for the rest of the day and go finish this lid."

"Naw, I can't."

"Why not?"

"I got a book report due 5th period. If I don't turn it in today then Garcia is going to knock off 50%."

"So what?"

"Man, I put a lot of work into that thing. I don't want to get 50% off."

"Alright, how about after school then. We'll finish the whole lid."

"Right on. We can't go to my house, though. My mom's home."

"Okay, we can go to my house but my grandmother's gonna be there. She won't bother us but we have to be quiet. You can't be blowing it, alright?"

"Yeah, alright. I won't blow it."

"I mean it."

"Ok. I swear I won't blow it. You got any munchies at your house?"



3. Frank and Joey after High School

"Hey Frank, where were you? Man, this party is dead. Everyone's all passed out."

"Hey Joey, come here. I want to show you something."

"What?"

"C'mon, upstairs."

"What do want to show me?"

"In here."

(Frank opens the door to one of the bedrooms)

"Who is that?"

"I don't know. Some chick. She's all passed out, man."

"So? Hey, wait a minute. I know that chick. She was in my chemistry class. Her name is Linda or Laurie or somthing like that."

"Who fucking cares, Joey. C'mon, let's do her."

"What?"

"Man, that chick is lights out. She ain't gonna know nothing."

"Are you fucking crazy?"

"No, I ain't fucking crazy. What's the matter with you? You turn queer or something?"

"C'mon Frank. Let's close the door and split, ok."

"Fucking eh, are you some kind of wuss or something? Are you gonna chicken out on me? Shit, I always knew you didn't have any balls, chicken-shit motherfucker."

"And what are you Frank? A rapist? Is that what you are?"

"Oh, excuse me Mr. High and Mighty, but it ain't rape. It ain't our fault if she can't hold her liquor. Shit, what's a chick like that expect?"

"Fuck you Frank."

"No, fuck you Joey, you little faggot. You don't want to do her than fine. Just walk on out of here and go find yourself some little queer boy to go fuck."

"Yeah, that's right. You know some time you might wanna try and get laid by someone who's actually conscious. Oh shit, that's right, I forgot. No chick would want to fuck you if she's conscious. Not when she gets a look at your ugly face."

"Man, that was funny. That was soooooo funny. How about I kick your ass or something? How funny would that be?"

"Shit, I don't know. That'd be pretty funny 'cause I'm just so scared of you. But I guess if you want to try then go on ahead."

"Fuck off, Joey."

"You always were all piss and no balls."

"Why don't you just get the fuck out of here, huh?"

"You coming with me."

"No. You gonna make me?"

"You're a fucking asshole, Frank. Find your own ride home. I'm taking off."

"Yeah, see you later shithead."

"You coming with me?"

"No."

"You're such an asshole."



4. Frank is married now and has a son

(Ding, dong)

"Who is it?"

"It's Joey. You there Frank?"

"Yeah, just a minute...hold on"

(Door opens. Frank stands there looking red and flustered)

"Hey Frank, what's happening. Sorry for dropping by without calling."

"Yeah, what you want Joey?"

"Nothing. I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by. Sorry, I should have called."

"Come on in."

"Who is it?" comes a voice from another room.

"It's Joey."

"What does he want?"

"Nothing. He just stopped by. Come on down."

(Sandy comes down the stairs. Her complexion is white and her hair is a mess but she doesn't fuss with it. Joey notices a welt under her left eye)

"Hey Sandy. Sorry for dropping by like this. Something happen to your face?"

"Oh, I tripped in the bathroom. It's ok. It's just a little swollen."

"Oh. It's no big deal. I just sort of noticed it, that's all."

(Frank asks Joey to come in)

"No, that's ok Frank. Look, I've come at a bad time."

"No, no, we were just watching TV that's all. Come on in."

(Frank turns around, looks at Sandy, and suddenly becomes very angry)

"Sandy, shit. What the fuck's the matter with you. Go fix up your hair or something. You look like a fucking mess."

(Sandy goes back up the stairs. Joey hears a baby start to cry)

"Sandy, goddam it. Will you do something with that baby. God Damn It. DO SOMETHING WITH THE BABY! Son of a fucking bitch!"

"Alright, alright" comes a voice from upstairs.

(Frank turns around to face Joey)

"Come on in, Joey."

"Look, this was a bad idea. You know, I was passing by and...

"No, c'mon in. It's not a bad time."

"Say Frank, I'm not trying to butt in or anything but were you and Sandy having an argument?"

"Nah, just husband and wife shit. You know. It wasn't nothing."

"Yeah. Hey, tell you what. I better go. I'll call next time, ok?"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Ok. Well good seeing you."

"Good seeing you too Frank. Take care."

"Yeah, sure thing Joey. We'll go shoot some pool or something."

"Yeah, I'll give you a call. See ya' Frank."


5. Years go by and Joey comes home for Thanksgiving

"Hi, mom."

"Joey, you made it. Oh, it's so good to see you."

"Where's dad?"

"He's in the other room watching the football game. Eddie and Barbara and Louise aren't here yet, and Jeff and Karen and the rest of the kids will be here a little later on. Did you have a good drive over?"

"Yeah, it was fine. No problems. Boy, the house sure looks good."

"Oh, it'll be so good to have all my children and grandchildren back here again. All the Smiths in one house again."

"You look good mom. How ya' feeling?"

"The doctor's got me on Calcium, you know. And of course my blood pressure's still high."

"Can't they do something about that?"

"Well, he gave me some pills and told me to cut down on my coffee. I'll be alright I guess."

"You know I was reading in the paper that drinking coffee isn't really..."

"Oh, guess who I saw yesterday. You remember Mrs. Wilson? You know, Frank's mother?"

"Yeah, sure I remember Mrs. Wilson."

"Well, she was at the store yesterday and I about fell over when I saw her. I almost didn't recognize her at first."

"Oh yeah, how's she look?"

"Oh she's much heavier now. And of course, a lot older too. But then aren't we all. And you know, she was telling me about Frank. You know he's working with lasers now, or something. She tried to explain it but I didn't know what she was talking about, but she said he's doing very well. He's got a nice house up in Fremont and travels to Europe and Asia for his business and doing really well. He's divorced too. Imagine that. Little Frankie, and I didn't even know he was married."

"Sure you did. Don't you remember I went to the wedding."

"Did you? I don't remember. Do you two still stay in touch?"

"No. Not for a long time."

"Why not. You two were such good friends, even when you were little babies. Frank was always so nice. And courteous. I remember he'd always say 'please, Mrs. Smith and no thank you, Mrs. Smith.' Such a nice young man."

(Yeah mom. Real nice. When he wasn't busy torturing animals that is, or using drugs, or raping unconscious women, or beating his wife? Other than that he was a real nice fella)

"Yeah, that was Frank. A real sweetheart."

"Oh, stop that. He was a very nice boy, and now he's doing so well. Why didn't you ever try lasers the way Frank did? Weren't you interested?"

"What? Are you saying I should have been more like Frank?"

"No, of course not. I'm very proud of you too. I'm proud of all my children. It's just that it seems like if Frank could do it, then you could have too."

"Oh bull, mom."

"What?"

"You want to know what Frank was like? You want me to tell you what he was really like?"

"What do you mean, dear...Oh, here's your father. Henry, look who's here."

"Well Joey. You made it."

"Hi dad. Good to see you. Who's winning the game?"

"Dallas. They're killing 'em. How was the traffic."

"No problem. No problem at all."