Messopotamia

What a strange war indeed. Let me ask you ask you a question. Would you rather suffer the kind of militantism and mass protest and violent confrontation that this country endured during the Vietnam War, or would you rather have people so busy watching American Idol that they can't be bothered worrying about soldiers dying in faraway places? Yeah, me too. I hope Kellie wins.

No, that's not true. Here at Dead Cat we scoff at the frivolous pursuits of the public at large and choose to focus instead on the important issues of the day. That's why we've asked two United States Senators to be our guests tonight to talk about the Iraq War. They are Senator Rose, Democrat of Massachusetts and Senator Hammer, Republican of Ohio.

"Senators, welcome."

"Thank you Dead Cat."

"Thank you Dead Cat. Pleasure to be here."

"Senator Rose, let's begin with you. We're now in the fourth year of the Iraq War with some 2400 U.S. soldiers killed and perhaps 8 or 9 times that number wounded. Where should America go from here?"

"Let me first say that there were no WMD's. The American people were lied to. Saddam was not a terrorist and posed no threat."

"Yes, but I was asking more about the present, Senator. Like it or not and regardless of the causes, we're over there now and people are dying. What should America's strategy be now? When the President wakes up tomorrow morning what should be his plan?"

"Well, he shouldn't be misleading the American people about WMD's, that's for sure. We have proof that..."

"Dead Cat, may I interrupt for a moment please."

"Yes Senator Hammer."

"It's a misstatement to say the President lied to the American people. He was working with the same faulty intelligence that everyone else, including the Congress, was."

"Yes Senator, but my point is not to keep rehashing the past but to look at the present. Senator Rose, what is the Democratic plan for victory in Iraq."

"Victory?"

"Well, perhaps I'm putting words in your mouth. What is the Democrat's plan for ending the war?"

"I think we should be working with the other countries in the region and strengthening our relationships with our allies and start being honest with the American people."

"That seems kind of vague Senator. Do you have anything more specific to offer?"

"You mean, like a strategy?"

"Yes, a strategy if you like, but even a single practical idea would suffice."

"Well, if we can't win the war then it seems the best thing to do would be to get the hell out of there and go home to our mothers."

"Go home to our mothers? Then you're advocating a gradual pullout?"

"Hell no. I say we should drop our weapons and run like hell."

"You know we have a lot of liberals up here in the Bay Area and I've always thought that's what they secretly believed, but I'm suprised to hear a U.S. Senator actually say so for the record."

"It's always been the liberal position that America owes the world an apology, and I think going home and telling the world we're sorry would be the humane thing to do."

"Senator Hammer, you've heard what Senator Rose just said. 'Drop our weapons and run like hell'? Would that be your strategy?"

"No, I think we've got a good strategy in place. We're seeing the Iraqi people go out and choose their leaders in free and open elections. We're seeing progress being made in the capabilities of the Iraqi security forces. I think if we just stay the course here then we'll achieve our goal of a stable and democratic Iraq."

"How long will we be staying this course?"

"Well, I can't make predictions but..."

"One year?"

"No, not that soon."

"Five years?"

"I think five years is a possiblity."

"You think the insurgency will be broken within the next five years?"

"It's hard to put a timetable on these things."

"And meanwhile, what about our troops? Will we continue to see them taking casualties in roadside bombings and such?"

"Of course no one can guarantee that more casualties won't occur but..."

"How many casualties? Will we continue to see the kinds of numbers we've seen so far? Will there be more? Less? Everyday we see news of more bombings and more killings over there. Can you reassure the American public that at some point we are going to see these bombings and killings stopped?"

"Well, sure, there are bombings and killings, but you know there are also a lot of positive things going on over there that the media never reports. Did you know that in Bagdad yesterday there were over 15 new puppies born? And that's just in Bagdad alone."

"You mean instead of reporting on the bombings and killings you think the media should be showing America puppy pictures?"

"I just think there needs to be more balance in the coverage, that's all. Present both sides of the picture. Sure show the blood and fear and suffering, but show the puppies too. Just think what that does to the moral of our troops to see that kind of news being reported back to the people at home."

"Are you saying the troops aren't aware of the bombings?"

"No, I'm sure they are. But that doesn't mean they want their families talking about it. It's very damaging to the morale of the troops."

"Perhaps the Pentagon should give them all puppies."

"Seriously, Dead Cat. This whole idea of Generals criticizing the war. It's unamerican and it's got to stop."

"But Senator Rose, Generals have spoken out before. Didn't General McClellan speak out against President Lincoln during the Civil War? In fact, if I recall my history, he even ran against Lincoln in the national election."

"And history hasn't been kind to McClellan, has it?"

"But did it hurt the morale of the troops? As I recall, the Union won that war."

"It's unamerican, that's all I'm saying."

"So then let me get this straight. Senator Rose, your Iraq strategy is to run like hell, and Senator Hammer your strategy is to stifle dissent and focus more on puppies. Four years into the war that is where the political leadership in Washington stands? Senator Rose?"

"Yes, just about. You see Dead Cat, this isn't your ordinary kind of war. By that I mean unlike wars in the past, this is a war that a lot of Americans are largely indifferent to. It's like a forgotten war, and we haven't even finished fighting it yet. And that's a good thing for those of us in Washington because it lets us off the hook. You see, it allows us to focus more of our attention on the things the public really cares about."

"And that would be?"

"Why, the next election of course."

"And is that why we sent you to Washington? So that you could spend six months analyzing the last election and 18 months planning the next?"

"Yes, I think so. Senator Rose don't you agree?"

"Yes, pretty much. There's also the fundraising, of course."

"Well Senator Rose and Senator Hammer, thank you both for being with me tonight. "

"Thank you, Dead Cat."