When It Was Just A Game
I don't know why this year's Winter Olympics weren't more popular than they were. To tell the truth, except for the curling and a little bit of the hockey I didn't watch 'em. But that doesn't mean I don't have a theory. After all, I'm a blogger. That's what I do.
So, here goes.
Actually, I think the Olympic's problem is all related to something I call the "Curt Gowdy" effect. What's that, you ask. Who's Curt Gowdy, you wonder. Well, thank goodness there are still a few toothless old-timers like me who can remember back in the '60's and '70's when Curt Gowdy was simply the voice of sports of America. Yes, that's right children, even though there was no ESPN back then they still had sports on TV. In those days there were really only two sports in America - baseball and football - and as the top dog at NBC Gowdy used to call all the nationally televised baseball games (including the playoffs and World Series) and most of the important AFL/AFC football games.
And what a voice he had too. Just as easy and relaxed as aThanksgiving dinner at grandma's house.
He was the king of the sports airwaves back then, and only CBS' Pat Summerall and Tom Brookshier even approached his national standing. But Gowdy wasn't a sportscaster in the modern sense of the word. He was of a different era. There was no razzmatazz. He was neither coying nor clever, but sensible and well-rounded, and I always got the feeling that as far as Gowdy was concerned, once the game was over it was over. The contest had been decided and now it was time to go fishing or hunting or whatever else was next on the agenda. Gowdy was a sports fan, but not a fanatic.
Now fast forward to today and think about someone like Al Michaels. I like Al Michaels and he's certainly very good at what he does, but he seems to be a totally different animal than Curt Gowdy. Maybe it's just me, but Al Michaels always gives the impression that even though the game is over he's still talking sports. He's talking sports on the phone, he's talking sports at the dinner table, he's talking sports when he gets up in the morning and he's dreaming sports when he goes to sleep at night. Obviously I don't know the guy and I could be completely wrong about this, but he just seems like the typically modern, post-ESPN 24 hours a day, 7 days a week sports guy. And if he does ever go fishing, I bet he's sitting there in the boat obsessing over stats from last nights Yankees-Red Sox game.
Am I wrong about that? Does anyone else get that same impression?
So what am I getting at here with all this blather? It's just that maybe in this era of wall-to-wall sports tv, this era of sports mania and extreme fans and all that, maybe the Winter Olympics aren't as unique as they once were. Back in the Gowdy days people had a certain perspective about things, but nowdays people are obsessed. They want their sports NOW. They want the scores NOW. They want the stats and video and the bloopers and the rest of that stuff and they don't have much patience with network schedules and primetime and all those other artificial barriers. Where's my SPORTS! Do you realize that the game was over 30 seconds ago and I still don't have the score. What's wrong with you people?
Ahhhhh...... Rest in Peace Curt Gowdy. There'll be plenty of time to catch up on the scores later.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Dead Cat Goes To Washington
"Senator, do you mind if I have a few words with you. Please. It will only take a minute."
"Ok, but I'm late for a meeting."
"Thank you very much Senator. Can I call you Chuck?"
"No."
"Sorry.
(pause)
So, Senator Schumer, I was wondering if you could tell me why you're making all this fuss over the Dubai Ports deal?"
"Are you kidding? Do you want the Arabs running the Port of New York?"
"I don't know. Do I?"
"They're the enemy you idiot. You want the enemy running the Port of Baltimore?"
"I thought the terrorists were the enemy, Senator. Do you mean to tell me that we aren't really at war with just the terrorists? Are you saying we're really at war with the entire Arab world?"
"We're at war with the terrorists."
"Then why are the Arabs our enemies?"
"Because the terrorists are Arabs."
"And all Arabs are terrorists?"
"No, no, no. I didn't say that. Look, it's like this. Birds of a feather, you know what I mean."
"?"
"I mean, I like the Arabs. Really, I do. I've travelled around the world and met many Arabs and most of them are fine people. Good, solid citizens, wouldn't hurt a fly. But that doesn't mean I'd want them to move in next door and marry my sister, you know what I mean. Let's just be careful, that's all I'm saying. Let's just sit down and think about this before we do something we're going to regret later. Believe me, once you let one of 'em in then there goes the whole neighborhood. You know what I mean?"
"Oh, yeah, I got you now."
"Yeah, you see how it is."
"Seems like a bunch of B.S. to me."
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, c'mon, we know what this is really about, don't we? You don't care about who owns this or that or who owns the Port of New York or even who marries your sister. What you're really trying to do is distract us. You're trying to take our minds off the fact that we pay you guys up there in Washington to run the country and you don't do diddly squat. I mean, just look at Social Security and Medicare. Everyone knows that we're headed for a train wreck in our entitlement programs. Everyone knows we've got to get this thing straightened out. Everyone knows that if we don't act now then there's going to be the Devil to pay later. We've known all of it for at least the last 20 years and what have you guys in Washington done. Diddly, that's what."
"That's not our fault. We Democrats have..."
"Oh puleeeeeezeeeee. We Democrats...we Republicans....I'm sick of it. That's all we ever get from Washington. Blame, blame, blame, and meanwhile nothing ever gets done. You know why you're spending so much time worrying about Dubai Ports? I know why. You want me to tell you why?"
"I think you're being..."
"It's because Dubai Ports just happens to be the latest scandal, that's why. Every week, every month, it's all about the latest scandal. Some petty little fight breaks out somewhere and a million reporters go shuffling off to cover it. And then the next week comes some petty little misstep and off they go scurrying in the other direction. That's all that happens in Washington anymore. It's just one scandal to the next, and that's just fine by you because as long as public is consumed by the latest controversy then you know you won't be held accountable for all the really big problems you seem so powerless to contain. That's what this whole Dubai Ports thing is really about, isn't it?"
"Look , if you'll just give me a chance to..."
"Do you really think that Dubai Ports, a multinational coporation with business operations in Europe, Asia, the Middle East, Australia and South America is really coming here to open a bunch of terrorist bases? Is that what you think?"
"If you'll just give me a chance..."
"I know. Maybe you have some secret information. Maybe there's some kind of Zimmerman Note floating around. Some kind of secret alliance between the United Arab Emirates and Mexico. C'mon, Senator. What gives? What's really going on here?"
"No comment. What paper did you say you worked for?"
"I don't work for a paper. I'm a blogger. I work for the people."
"Look, I gotta go. I'm late for my meeting."
"Just answer the question Senator. What did you know and when did you know it?"
"Been nice talking to you."
"Is it true that you have an illegitimate child still living in Dubai? Just answer the question, Senator. "
"That's a total fabrication of the facts."
"Is it true that there is a secret slush fund worth billions of dollars? Where did that money come from Senator?"
"I don't know what you're..."
"Just answer the question, Senator. Senator? Senator...? (Damn. I had him cornered, too. I had his back against the wall and I let him get away. A good journalist would never have done that. Once he get's the smell of blood in the water, a good journalist always moves in for the kill. He moves stealthily, relying on cunning and instinct to stalk his prey, lulling it into a false sense of security and then CHOMP, he bites its head off)."
(sigh)
I had him cornered too.
"Senator, do you mind if I have a few words with you. Please. It will only take a minute."
"Ok, but I'm late for a meeting."
"Thank you very much Senator. Can I call you Chuck?"
"No."
"Sorry.
(pause)
So, Senator Schumer, I was wondering if you could tell me why you're making all this fuss over the Dubai Ports deal?"
"Are you kidding? Do you want the Arabs running the Port of New York?"
"I don't know. Do I?"
"They're the enemy you idiot. You want the enemy running the Port of Baltimore?"
"I thought the terrorists were the enemy, Senator. Do you mean to tell me that we aren't really at war with just the terrorists? Are you saying we're really at war with the entire Arab world?"
"We're at war with the terrorists."
"Then why are the Arabs our enemies?"
"Because the terrorists are Arabs."
"And all Arabs are terrorists?"
"No, no, no. I didn't say that. Look, it's like this. Birds of a feather, you know what I mean."
"?"
"I mean, I like the Arabs. Really, I do. I've travelled around the world and met many Arabs and most of them are fine people. Good, solid citizens, wouldn't hurt a fly. But that doesn't mean I'd want them to move in next door and marry my sister, you know what I mean. Let's just be careful, that's all I'm saying. Let's just sit down and think about this before we do something we're going to regret later. Believe me, once you let one of 'em in then there goes the whole neighborhood. You know what I mean?"
"Oh, yeah, I got you now."
"Yeah, you see how it is."
"Seems like a bunch of B.S. to me."
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, c'mon, we know what this is really about, don't we? You don't care about who owns this or that or who owns the Port of New York or even who marries your sister. What you're really trying to do is distract us. You're trying to take our minds off the fact that we pay you guys up there in Washington to run the country and you don't do diddly squat. I mean, just look at Social Security and Medicare. Everyone knows that we're headed for a train wreck in our entitlement programs. Everyone knows we've got to get this thing straightened out. Everyone knows that if we don't act now then there's going to be the Devil to pay later. We've known all of it for at least the last 20 years and what have you guys in Washington done. Diddly, that's what."
"That's not our fault. We Democrats have..."
"Oh puleeeeeezeeeee. We Democrats...we Republicans....I'm sick of it. That's all we ever get from Washington. Blame, blame, blame, and meanwhile nothing ever gets done. You know why you're spending so much time worrying about Dubai Ports? I know why. You want me to tell you why?"
"I think you're being..."
"It's because Dubai Ports just happens to be the latest scandal, that's why. Every week, every month, it's all about the latest scandal. Some petty little fight breaks out somewhere and a million reporters go shuffling off to cover it. And then the next week comes some petty little misstep and off they go scurrying in the other direction. That's all that happens in Washington anymore. It's just one scandal to the next, and that's just fine by you because as long as public is consumed by the latest controversy then you know you won't be held accountable for all the really big problems you seem so powerless to contain. That's what this whole Dubai Ports thing is really about, isn't it?"
"Look , if you'll just give me a chance to..."
"Do you really think that Dubai Ports, a multinational coporation with business operations in Europe, Asia, the Middle East, Australia and South America is really coming here to open a bunch of terrorist bases? Is that what you think?"
"If you'll just give me a chance..."
"I know. Maybe you have some secret information. Maybe there's some kind of Zimmerman Note floating around. Some kind of secret alliance between the United Arab Emirates and Mexico. C'mon, Senator. What gives? What's really going on here?"
"No comment. What paper did you say you worked for?"
"I don't work for a paper. I'm a blogger. I work for the people."
"Look, I gotta go. I'm late for my meeting."
"Just answer the question Senator. What did you know and when did you know it?"
"Been nice talking to you."
"Is it true that you have an illegitimate child still living in Dubai? Just answer the question, Senator. "
"That's a total fabrication of the facts."
"Is it true that there is a secret slush fund worth billions of dollars? Where did that money come from Senator?"
"I don't know what you're..."
"Just answer the question, Senator. Senator? Senator...? (Damn. I had him cornered, too. I had his back against the wall and I let him get away. A good journalist would never have done that. Once he get's the smell of blood in the water, a good journalist always moves in for the kill. He moves stealthily, relying on cunning and instinct to stalk his prey, lulling it into a false sense of security and then CHOMP, he bites its head off)."
(sigh)
I had him cornered too.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Life, The Universe, and Curling
"Damn, dude. Where have you been?"
"What? Whatta you mean 'where have I been'? I've been right here, dude."
"No, but I mean it's been like 2 weeks since you posted anything to your blog. I thought maybe you died or went hunting with Dick Cheney or something."
"I've been busy, ok?"
"Busy doing what?"
"Stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
"Who are you, my mama? Do I have to report back to you about everything I do? I've been doing stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. Excuse me if I didn't write it all down for you."
"Well, excuuuuse me. What are you some kind of spy or something? You got some super-secret thing going on that I'm not supposed to know about? All I asked was a simple question. You don't need to get all defensive about it. Sheeet."
"I'm not getting defensive. You don't see me asking you about your business, do you. So why are you asking me about mine. Sheeeet."
"I just got back from Cabo, man. Me and Jocelyn took a little vacation, you know. Kicking back on the beach, drinking Margueritas, doing a little dancing and a little partying. Oh man, it was..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You and your old lady went down to Cabo. Sounds great."
(pregnant pause)
"Well what's wrong with you? You got some kind of problem with a man taking his woman down to Mexico for a little R and R?"
"No, sounds great. Really. Sounds like you two had a wonderful time."
"Well don't sound so overjoyed about it. Jesus H. Christ. I'm sorry I brought it up."
"Hey, I said I was happy for you, didn't I? What am I supposed to do? Jump up and down and give you a big hug."
"You are one crabby-ass mother..."
"I ain't crabby. I'm happy for you. See...see me smiling here. Ooooh, I'm just so happy for the two of you."
"Yeah, whatever. You know, you need to lighten up a little, man. You need to get that bug out of your ass and relax a little, that's what you need. Try not to act so constipated all the time."
"Yeah, right."
"Damn right, I'm right. You know what your problem is? You're jealous. You're jealous 'cause I got a fine lady who loves me and takes care of me and all you got is some internet porn and one hairy hand to keep you company at night. That's what your problem is."
"F___ you! I got plenty of women. I got more women than I know what to do with. Man, all I got to do is pick up the phone and I can have as many women as I want. All I got to do is walk down the street and pick out the ones I want and take 'em home. "
"Oh, I see. Now you're James f___ing Bond or something. You just sip your martini and the women fall all over you."
"You don't believe me? Is that what you're saying? You don't believe me? The other night...I ain't lying now, the other night I had three. That's right. One in the bedroom, one on the phone, and one I was gonna stop by and see a little later."
"You're a lying motherf_____. I bet you ain't had three women in your entire life, let alone all in one night. Anyways, who cares. Who cares if it's three or fifty-three. One good woman is all you need. One good woman who'll love you and take care of you is all it takes. Once you have one good woman, it don't matter about all the rest."
"Sheeet, not me. I see a woman and I take her. And if I don't like her I just put her down and try someone else. I mean, how are you going to which is the tastiest dish unless you try everything on the menu."
"Man, you try everything on the menu and you know what's gonna happen. You're gonna end up fat and sick and ugly. That's what's gonna happen. All you need is one good one who can cook it up just right, and you'll be pink and healthy the rest of your days."
"Not me, man. I'm a born lover. I'm lean and mean and I can get any woman I want."
"Yeah, as long as they take mastercard or visa. "
"Heh, heh, heh...that was cold. "
"Anyways, like I was saying, what have you been up to these last couple of weeks. I mean, besides cruising the streets for love."
"Sheeet, I was just kidding man. Actually, I've been watching curling."
"You've been what?"
"I've been watching curling."
"Hurling?"
"No, curling. What are you stupid? You know curling, at the Olympics."
"Curling. At the Olympics? What the hell is curling?"
"It's a sport man. Haven't you been watching?"
"No, I've been down in Cabo and besides, I hate the Olympics. All those stupid little sports they have."
"You mean JF&T?"
"What's that?"
"You know, Jump, Flip and Twirl. All the Olympic sports are like that now. They have JF&T skiing, and JF&T figure skating, and JF&T snowboarding, and everything else they can think of. I hear at the next Olympics they're even gonna add some ramps to the Bobsled run and have the sledders throw in a few flips and twirls too."
"Yeah, that's what I mean. I can't figure any of that stuff out. I mean some guy goes up in the air and does a little twist and they give him 5 points or something, and the next guy comes down and does a little twist and they only give him like 4.9 or something, and I can't tell the difference between what the first guy did and the second guy did. It's weird, man."
"It's the judges. To me, any sport that uses judges ain't a real sport. It's like a beauty contest or something."
"Damn right."
"That's what's great about curling. It's a total skill game. There are no judges or officials or anything like that. It's just the players and maybe five or six rules at the most."
"So how's it played."
"You just have to watch it and figure it out. It's too complicated to explain. But it's like a puzzle or something. What you do is slide a stone down a sheet of ice and try to end up closer to the center of a bullseye than the other team. The problem is that each team gets to throw 8 stones apiece, and so each team has to figure out how to block and knock out the other teams stones so that they end up the closest to the center. I'm telling you, the strategy is intense."
"And that's what you've been doing for the past two weeks. Watching curling. I've been living it up down in Mexico and you've been sitting in front of the TV watching people slide stones down a sheet of ice."
(pause)
"They also serve who only stand and wait."
"Huh?"
"I'm getting old, man, what can I say. You know they had a big bicycle race here in San Jose today. The Tour de California or something like that. They had top riders coming in from all over the world to race in it and they passed by just a block from my house."
"So...um...what's your point. You watched a bicycle race today."
"No, I was at work. They passed a block from my house but I was at work."
"So?"
"I mean that's so San Jose, you know. They finally have this big international event and have all these stars come over and instead of having it on a weekend they have it on a Tuesday. I mean that is just such a half-ass San Jose way of doing things. Get half of it right and then still manage to screw it all up."
"Man, you lost me. What the hell you're talking about."
"I'm getting old, man, and it's like I'm spending all this time waiting for one last chance, and then when opportunity finally arrives, it arrives on a Tuesday. And I've got to work on Tuesdays, you know what I mean."
"That's pathetic, man. You need to get a grip on yourself. It was only a bicycle race."
"It was a metaphor, dude. A symbol. Somewhere out there a higher being is trying to tell me something."
"Yeah, he's telling you to lay off the crack pipe, that's what he's telling you."
"No...well, that too. But he's trying to tell me something else. It's like the puzzle is in front of me and all I have to do is find the right strategy. Put up a couple of corner guards and then draw behind them to the eight foot. Put it just in front of the T Line, then freeze to other teams rock and go for a big end."
"A big end?"
"Yeah, a big end!"
"Ok. Hey, it was nice talking to you but I gotta go...uh...wash my nikes now. See you around, ok. Maybe when the men in the white coats say it's alright for you to come home."
"Go for the big end, man. That's what I gotta do. Go for the big end."
"Later..."
"Damn, dude. Where have you been?"
"What? Whatta you mean 'where have I been'? I've been right here, dude."
"No, but I mean it's been like 2 weeks since you posted anything to your blog. I thought maybe you died or went hunting with Dick Cheney or something."
"I've been busy, ok?"
"Busy doing what?"
"Stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
"Who are you, my mama? Do I have to report back to you about everything I do? I've been doing stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. Excuse me if I didn't write it all down for you."
"Well, excuuuuse me. What are you some kind of spy or something? You got some super-secret thing going on that I'm not supposed to know about? All I asked was a simple question. You don't need to get all defensive about it. Sheeet."
"I'm not getting defensive. You don't see me asking you about your business, do you. So why are you asking me about mine. Sheeeet."
"I just got back from Cabo, man. Me and Jocelyn took a little vacation, you know. Kicking back on the beach, drinking Margueritas, doing a little dancing and a little partying. Oh man, it was..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You and your old lady went down to Cabo. Sounds great."
(pregnant pause)
"Well what's wrong with you? You got some kind of problem with a man taking his woman down to Mexico for a little R and R?"
"No, sounds great. Really. Sounds like you two had a wonderful time."
"Well don't sound so overjoyed about it. Jesus H. Christ. I'm sorry I brought it up."
"Hey, I said I was happy for you, didn't I? What am I supposed to do? Jump up and down and give you a big hug."
"You are one crabby-ass mother..."
"I ain't crabby. I'm happy for you. See...see me smiling here. Ooooh, I'm just so happy for the two of you."
"Yeah, whatever. You know, you need to lighten up a little, man. You need to get that bug out of your ass and relax a little, that's what you need. Try not to act so constipated all the time."
"Yeah, right."
"Damn right, I'm right. You know what your problem is? You're jealous. You're jealous 'cause I got a fine lady who loves me and takes care of me and all you got is some internet porn and one hairy hand to keep you company at night. That's what your problem is."
"F___ you! I got plenty of women. I got more women than I know what to do with. Man, all I got to do is pick up the phone and I can have as many women as I want. All I got to do is walk down the street and pick out the ones I want and take 'em home. "
"Oh, I see. Now you're James f___ing Bond or something. You just sip your martini and the women fall all over you."
"You don't believe me? Is that what you're saying? You don't believe me? The other night...I ain't lying now, the other night I had three. That's right. One in the bedroom, one on the phone, and one I was gonna stop by and see a little later."
"You're a lying motherf_____. I bet you ain't had three women in your entire life, let alone all in one night. Anyways, who cares. Who cares if it's three or fifty-three. One good woman is all you need. One good woman who'll love you and take care of you is all it takes. Once you have one good woman, it don't matter about all the rest."
"Sheeet, not me. I see a woman and I take her. And if I don't like her I just put her down and try someone else. I mean, how are you going to which is the tastiest dish unless you try everything on the menu."
"Man, you try everything on the menu and you know what's gonna happen. You're gonna end up fat and sick and ugly. That's what's gonna happen. All you need is one good one who can cook it up just right, and you'll be pink and healthy the rest of your days."
"Not me, man. I'm a born lover. I'm lean and mean and I can get any woman I want."
"Yeah, as long as they take mastercard or visa. "
"Heh, heh, heh...that was cold. "
"Anyways, like I was saying, what have you been up to these last couple of weeks. I mean, besides cruising the streets for love."
"Sheeet, I was just kidding man. Actually, I've been watching curling."
"You've been what?"
"I've been watching curling."
"Hurling?"
"No, curling. What are you stupid? You know curling, at the Olympics."
"Curling. At the Olympics? What the hell is curling?"
"It's a sport man. Haven't you been watching?"
"No, I've been down in Cabo and besides, I hate the Olympics. All those stupid little sports they have."
"You mean JF&T?"
"What's that?"
"You know, Jump, Flip and Twirl. All the Olympic sports are like that now. They have JF&T skiing, and JF&T figure skating, and JF&T snowboarding, and everything else they can think of. I hear at the next Olympics they're even gonna add some ramps to the Bobsled run and have the sledders throw in a few flips and twirls too."
"Yeah, that's what I mean. I can't figure any of that stuff out. I mean some guy goes up in the air and does a little twist and they give him 5 points or something, and the next guy comes down and does a little twist and they only give him like 4.9 or something, and I can't tell the difference between what the first guy did and the second guy did. It's weird, man."
"It's the judges. To me, any sport that uses judges ain't a real sport. It's like a beauty contest or something."
"Damn right."
"That's what's great about curling. It's a total skill game. There are no judges or officials or anything like that. It's just the players and maybe five or six rules at the most."
"So how's it played."
"You just have to watch it and figure it out. It's too complicated to explain. But it's like a puzzle or something. What you do is slide a stone down a sheet of ice and try to end up closer to the center of a bullseye than the other team. The problem is that each team gets to throw 8 stones apiece, and so each team has to figure out how to block and knock out the other teams stones so that they end up the closest to the center. I'm telling you, the strategy is intense."
"And that's what you've been doing for the past two weeks. Watching curling. I've been living it up down in Mexico and you've been sitting in front of the TV watching people slide stones down a sheet of ice."
(pause)
"They also serve who only stand and wait."
"Huh?"
"I'm getting old, man, what can I say. You know they had a big bicycle race here in San Jose today. The Tour de California or something like that. They had top riders coming in from all over the world to race in it and they passed by just a block from my house."
"So...um...what's your point. You watched a bicycle race today."
"No, I was at work. They passed a block from my house but I was at work."
"So?"
"I mean that's so San Jose, you know. They finally have this big international event and have all these stars come over and instead of having it on a weekend they have it on a Tuesday. I mean that is just such a half-ass San Jose way of doing things. Get half of it right and then still manage to screw it all up."
"Man, you lost me. What the hell you're talking about."
"I'm getting old, man, and it's like I'm spending all this time waiting for one last chance, and then when opportunity finally arrives, it arrives on a Tuesday. And I've got to work on Tuesdays, you know what I mean."
"That's pathetic, man. You need to get a grip on yourself. It was only a bicycle race."
"It was a metaphor, dude. A symbol. Somewhere out there a higher being is trying to tell me something."
"Yeah, he's telling you to lay off the crack pipe, that's what he's telling you."
"No...well, that too. But he's trying to tell me something else. It's like the puzzle is in front of me and all I have to do is find the right strategy. Put up a couple of corner guards and then draw behind them to the eight foot. Put it just in front of the T Line, then freeze to other teams rock and go for a big end."
"A big end?"
"Yeah, a big end!"
"Ok. Hey, it was nice talking to you but I gotta go...uh...wash my nikes now. See you around, ok. Maybe when the men in the white coats say it's alright for you to come home."
"Go for the big end, man. That's what I gotta do. Go for the big end."
"Later..."
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