Meet John Doe

Once again it's time to check the ol' mailbag. Our first letter comes to us from our freinds Ken Mehlman, Bill Frist, J. Dennis Hastert and John Boehner over at the Republican National Committee.

"Dear Fellow Republican," they write,

"You are among a select group of Republicans who have been chosen to take part in the official Census of The Republican Party."

Select group? Who, me? Gosh, such an unexpected honor for someone so humble as myself. To be asked to take part in "The Official Census of the Republican Party." Such an awesome burden. I don't know what to say guys. I...I...I..., guess I'll just try to do my best. Better yet, why don't I ask the readers to take the Census along with me. You know, sort of play along at home.

Ready, here goes:

1. Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans?

Well, heck yeah. At least I think so. Actually...truth is, I get a little worried sometimes when this Administration starts talking securty, you know what I mean. To me security is being able to walk down the street without getting mugged or murdered. Unfortunately, I think the Administration is a little more ambitious when it comes to security. They see it as being more about secret courts and secret trials and spying on citizen's and things like that. I think I'll have to take a pass on this question until I get some more information. Are we talking about the Sheriff Taylor kind of security, sort of friendly and neighborly, or are we talking about Robespierre and the Committee of Public Safety? Clarify please.

2. Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attacks on America?

Sure, if you think it'll do any good. How many airstrikes have we launched against Osama bin Laden? Guess that taught him a lesson.

3. Do you continue to support increasing the amount of security at airports, train stations and all government buildings including monuments and museums?

I think I'll turn this one over to the audience. What do you think people? Anyone here want dangerous museums?

4. Should the Inheritance or "Death Tax" be permanently repealed?

No. The Inheritance Tax affects a very small and wealthy portion of the population, like Senators and Congressmen and National Committe Chairs. Next question.

5. Do you support President Bush's pro-growth policies to create more jobs and improve the economy?

I support common sense, and I support policies which encourage saving and investment and discourage mindless, rampant borrowing and consumpti0n. Is that what President Bush supports?

6. Do you think Congress should focus on cutting the federal budget deficit by reducing wasteful government spending?

No, I think they should cut the budget by increasing wasteful government spending. Geez, what kind of question is that?

7. Should students, teachers, principals and administrators be held to higher standards?

I'm all for holding the other guy to higher standards. Now, if we're all through here I'd like to get back to other room and watch that new Rob Schneider movie.

8. Do you agree that teaching our children to read and increasing literacy rates should be a national priority?

Yes, but give them something interesting to read. I wonder if any of these education reformers has ever actually read a textbook (and stayed awake long enough to reach the end of the chapter.)

9. Do you support President Bush's plan to make our schools more accountable to parents and to restore local control of education?

Are we talking about banning biology in Kansas? Please, let's not be coy, ok. Here's where I part company with the Republican Party.

10. Do you support the law, passed by the Republican Congress and signed by President Bush, that bans partial-birth abortions?

I wouldn't touch that question with a 10 foot pole. In my life I've known people on both sides of this issue, and I've never met a one that's ever changed their mind. Let's just leave it at that.

11. Do you support the President's efforst to save Social Security for future generations?

Is that what he was trying to do? Could have fooled me. I thought he was trying to privatize it.

12. Do you think Congress should pass legislation on the Federal Marriage Amendment?

I feel kind of stupid for admitting this, but I don't know what that is. Could you please explain?

13. Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations commanders?

I think that's a question for the next war. Right now we should concentrate on how we're gonna get the hell out of Iraq.

14. Do you agree that our top military priority should be fighting terrorists?

No, our top military priority should be figuring out how we're gonna get the hell out of Iraq.

15. Should the U.S. continue work on building a defense shield against nuclear missle attack?

Where did that question come from? I think a shield against nuclear missle attack is a great idea, but I don't think it should be limited to the U.S. As long as we're building a shield I think it would be a good faith gesture to extend the umbrella to all the peoples of the world.

16. Do you support the election of Republican candidates across the country and rebuilding our majorities over the next ten years?

Sure, but not in Kansas.

17. Did you vote in the year 2000?

Yep. Wanna know who I voted for?

18. Will you join the Republican National Committe by making a contribution today?

Ok, alright, I get it now. "Select group" you said. "Official Census" you explained. Hah! I see what's going on around here. You guys just want more money. Money, money, money, money, money, money. That's all we ever hear from you. I guess now that Jack Abramoff is in jail things are getting a little tight up there in Washington, eh? Well, tough. You guys don't care what I think. You were just jerking me around, trying to shake me down for more cash. Huh. Go beg somewhere else.

Please make your personal check payable to: RNC

Is that before or after I toss this Census of yours in the trash.