Debt Not Paid
Ok, so I finally got around to reading The Traveler by John Twelve Hawks, and now I'm so paranoid that I can't even leave the house without gloves and weapons and a bag over my head. Man, I gotta get off the grid. Steal a pickup truck and head out to the middle of the desert, or something.
No, no, no... I'm just kidding. I don't wear gloves and I don't own any weapons. I don't want you thinking this is some kind of right wing paramilitary blog or something. The bag over the head might be a good idea though. Anyways, if you haven't read The Traveler then the next few paragraphs aren't going to make any sense to you at all, but I don't feel like doing a synopsis so tough.
Anyways, I got to thinking about this whole grid thing, and the brethren and the harlequins and the mercs and the citizens and the drones and the travelers and the pathfinders and the splicers and all the rest of it, and it seems to me that some of the stuff in the book just might be true. I mean think about it. Think about some of the people you know or have read about. Could it be...
Bill Gates: Citizen
Steve Jobs: Traveler
Steve Ballmer: Splicer
Dick Cheney: Brethren (Definitely a Brethren - Probably Level 1)
George W. Bush: Citizen, possibly a Drone.
Howard Stern: Traveler (Travelers, remember, are people who disrupt the social order and cause drastic change)
Adam Curry: Hmmm, this one's tough. I'm tempted to say Traveler, but he's probably just a Pathfinder. You know, the one's who don't have the Traveler's powers but train them and get them on their way.
Hilary Hahn: Harlequin (Exotic, gifted, and deadly)
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Untrained Traveler - needs a pathfinder to unlock his powers.
Larry Page and Sergey Brin: Cold Travelers (they started out on the side of good, but have since gone over to the Brethren)
Tony Myers (That's me!): Drone, but with Traveler delusions.
Oh well. Like I said, if you haven't read the book then none of that will make any sense. And I'm not recommending the book either. When you get past all the paranoia it's really just standard page-turner fare. But is it really fiction?
On to other things. I've been neglecting my blog lately so let me just catch up on a few things. I know that millions count on me for the latest news from here at home and around the world so let's see what's happening.
In international news it looks like the Saddam Hussein trial is finally getting under way, and it's been pretty ugly. Witnesses testifying about torture and murder and human meat grinders and Saddam just sitting there with a "if I had an army I'd crush you" look on his face. No hint of remorse anywhere, just his own naked hunger for power. Quite a spectacle and a good lesson for the rest of us, I suppose. That is, if anyone is paying attention. I mean, are the youth of America watching this? I wonder. Are they able to tear themselves away from their XBox 360's and put aside make believe bloodshed and murder (entertaining as it might be) to look at the real thing? Does any of it even register? Probably not, and I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Take 2 Interactive comes out with their own Saddam Hussein game where players can take on the role of the evil despot, commiting their own acts of torture and genocide (in a free roaming and unrestricted environment, of course).
Look for it on store shelves.
Turning to the national news it looks like it's been a pretty good week for the Republicans. That is, what we used to call Republicans, not the bible-thumping prudes that have been so successfully passing themselves off as the Republican Party these past 5 or 6 years. The good news for Republicans, of course, was Howard Dean. Seems like everytime he opens his mouth another state or two flips over to the "red" side of the ledger. This time he made a remark sure to win the hearts and minds of Americans by saying that American could never win the war in Iraq. Way to go Howard. I'm sure the Dems will thank you for that remark the next time elections come around and the Republicans use it to tie a noose around Democratic necks. Sorry Howard, no matter how a person might feel about the war, no one likes a defeatist.
In other news out of Washington, it looks like Congress is getting ready to debate the extension of lower tax rates for savings and investment (also known as dividends and capital gains). On one side of the aisle you have the Republicans arguing in favor of the extension, and on the other side you have the Dems arguing to abolish it. The Republicans argue that the government should encourage savings and investment, not punish it, and the Dems, as usual, argue that only rich people care about saving and investing for the future.
(sigh)
What this really points out, of course, is the foolishness of the current administration and it's prediliction for spending money like a drunken sailor. If Dubya had managed to show a little fiscal restraint these past 5 years and not squander our surplus or send us hundreds of billions of dollars into the hole, then this whole thing could have been a slam dunk for the Republicans. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and now we have to sit and watch this spectacle of the Dems actually arguing, with a straight face I might add, that the prudent course of action is not to save and invest but rather to surrender our wages to the big federal spending machine, with the assurance that our government keepers will be careful stewards and our dollars will be carefully and wisely spent.
Meanwhile, back in the real world, pension plans are going bust and social security is starting to wobble and medical costs are going through the roof and why in the world would anyone want to save and invest for the future? Beats me. Far better to let the government handle my money while I use what remains to consume cheap foreign goods. Why save and invest when we could be shipping our dollars overseas anyways? Isn't that the American way?
Not really, so why is it that the Democratic party seems to think it's such a sin for me to save my money and invest it back in the economy? Is it one of those kneejerk liberal vs. conservative things? Is that what it is? I understand that we're deep in the hole and have got to get out of it somehow, but there has to be a way to do it without punishing the savers and investors.
Hey, I've got an idea. Since it was Dubya who created this mess, why don't we bill him for some of the costs. His family has money. They ought to be able to pony up a billion or two. And as for the rest, well I still stand behind my idea that we ought to have a lobbyist tax. You know, for every dollar that goes into a Congressman's pocket we should take another 50 cents and put that into reducing the deficit. Geez, with all the money that goes back and forth around the Capitol our 50 cents on the dollar ought to balance the budget and give us plenty of room to spare. Geez, just think of all the Alaskan bridges we could build with that kind of dough.
Well, that's the way I see it anyways, and that's the news for a Wednesday night, and that's all for my blog. Thanks for tuning in and for all of you Travelers out there - see ya' in the second realm.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Such Stuff As Dreams Are Made On
Now don't get me wrong. I think new technology is swell - I really do. But every now and then something comes along that you just know is never gonna work. Tonight's tech mistake is something called Pandora, and you can find it at www.pandora.com.
What is it you ask? Well, here's the idea. What if you could tell your computer the name of a song or an artist you like and the computer could come back with other song's it thinks you will also like but may not have heard before. Would that be useful? Not really, but that was the idea the Music Genome Project came up with, and Pandora is the name they gave to their little brainchild. What Pandora does is scrutinize a song or artist you like and then it assembles, through some kind of genius analysis, a customized radio station that contains other songs that it believes you will like as well.
Ok, that was a terrible explanation. Let me just tell you about my experience with Pandora.
The first thing Pandora asked me to do was create a new station by entering a song or an artist I liked. Of course I immediately typed in Hilary Hahn (my favorite musical superstar) and hit enter. This started little dots flashing across the screen while Pandora analyzed my input and then, after giving it some considerable thought, it somewhat confusedly came back to me with this.
"Did you mean Hilary Duff?"
Well no, Pandora, I didn't mean Hilary Duff, although I could see how a sophisticated analytical engine could make such a mistake. I myself get them confused all the time. Hilary Hahn, the concert violinist and Hilary Duff, the teen beat sensation - they're artistic styles are so musically close. Oh well, I shrugged, maybe Pandora was just having a bad day.
It seemed to me the best thing to do was just to start all over again. This time instead of entering an instrumentalist like Hilary Hahn I thought I'd try and internationally renowned soprano like Renee Fleming. Surely, Pandora would have no problem matching her. So I typed in Renee Fleming, hit enter, watched the little dots go back and forth, and got yet another quizzical response.
"Did you mean Tommy Fleming?"
Tommy Fleming? Are you kidding me? I put in the name of a superstar soprano and you come back with an Irish folksinger I've never even heard of. Sheesh...you call that a match? Ok, ok, I won't get upset. Obviously, Pandora is geared towards teen idols and pop stars so I'll try one of those instead. Only problem is I don't really know any pop stars. Not current ones anyways.
I know, I'll try Lori McKenna. She's not really a pop star but she is a great singer-songwriter that I really like, and she was on Oprah last month. If she was good enough for Oprah then she ought to be good enough for Pandora, right? Once again, I typed in Lori McKenna, hit enter, blinking lights, and...presto! This time I got a match. And lo and behold, it's -
Lori McKenna.
Wait a minute. I type in Lori McKenna's name and, after much scrutiny and analysis, Pandora has determined that since I like Lori McKenna so much I might also like to hear other songs by the same person. This program is brilliant. It never would have ocurred to me that if I like one song by an artist that I might also like another one of her songs too. You can't buy that kind of insight. I tell ya', sometimes I just have to gape and wonder and ask what did we poor humans ever do before this new fangled hi-tech stuff came along? Just listened to first track on a CD, I guess, and then sat there too dumb to go on to track 2 . Not anymore. Not now that we have Pandora. It's a new age, my friend.
Oh ok, I thought, maybe I wasn't being fair. After all, Lori McKenna isn't exactly a household name and there probably aren't a lot of artists out there like her anyways, so maybe I should skip the sarcasm and try inputting a song instead. A top forty hit would be good. Something from the days of my youth that Pandora would be able to analyze and match in it's extensive database. I racked my brain and then I remembered an old 70's favorite of mine by The Eagles called "One of These Nights." Ah, how that song brings back the memories. The carefree days and the hot summer nights, the beach parties and the sand in your sleeping bag, the lithe bodies of winsome girls and the parking spots where we would stop and gaze out over the twinkling lights of the city. Yeah, those were the days and it all seems so long ago. "One of These Nights" would be a good one to try.
And so I typed it in, hit enter, got past the blinking lights and this time Pandora finally starts to do it's thing. And the first match is -
"Interesting Drug" by Morrisey.
Huh? I'm thinking of winsome girls and late summer nights and Pandora comes up with a drug song? Fortunately Pandora has a feature that tells you why it thought I might like this particular song, so I clicked it and here's what it said.
"It features basic rock song structure, subtle use of vocal harmony, mild rhythmic syncopation, mixed acoustic and electric instrumentation, and major key tonality."
Is that why I like that old Eagles song? Because of it's sycopated rhythms and major key tonality? Does this mean that I can't like anything legato or in a minor key? Oh brother. Sorry, Pandora, you just don't get it. Music is in the heart and the soul. It's not like chemistry where you can break it down into molecules and atoms and formulate new compounds. To say I like that Picasso over there doesn't mean I will similarly like a lesser painting just because it has 3 eyeballs and a foot sticking out it's ear. Music is ideas and emotions and memories and a thousand other things that speak to our humanity, not our science. Sure, technology is swell, but it has it's limits.
And I'm not playing with Pandora anymore. Geez, it's so depressing. Not even my computer understands me.
Now don't get me wrong. I think new technology is swell - I really do. But every now and then something comes along that you just know is never gonna work. Tonight's tech mistake is something called Pandora, and you can find it at www.pandora.com.
What is it you ask? Well, here's the idea. What if you could tell your computer the name of a song or an artist you like and the computer could come back with other song's it thinks you will also like but may not have heard before. Would that be useful? Not really, but that was the idea the Music Genome Project came up with, and Pandora is the name they gave to their little brainchild. What Pandora does is scrutinize a song or artist you like and then it assembles, through some kind of genius analysis, a customized radio station that contains other songs that it believes you will like as well.
Ok, that was a terrible explanation. Let me just tell you about my experience with Pandora.
The first thing Pandora asked me to do was create a new station by entering a song or an artist I liked. Of course I immediately typed in Hilary Hahn (my favorite musical superstar) and hit enter. This started little dots flashing across the screen while Pandora analyzed my input and then, after giving it some considerable thought, it somewhat confusedly came back to me with this.
"Did you mean Hilary Duff?"
Well no, Pandora, I didn't mean Hilary Duff, although I could see how a sophisticated analytical engine could make such a mistake. I myself get them confused all the time. Hilary Hahn, the concert violinist and Hilary Duff, the teen beat sensation - they're artistic styles are so musically close. Oh well, I shrugged, maybe Pandora was just having a bad day.
It seemed to me the best thing to do was just to start all over again. This time instead of entering an instrumentalist like Hilary Hahn I thought I'd try and internationally renowned soprano like Renee Fleming. Surely, Pandora would have no problem matching her. So I typed in Renee Fleming, hit enter, watched the little dots go back and forth, and got yet another quizzical response.
"Did you mean Tommy Fleming?"
Tommy Fleming? Are you kidding me? I put in the name of a superstar soprano and you come back with an Irish folksinger I've never even heard of. Sheesh...you call that a match? Ok, ok, I won't get upset. Obviously, Pandora is geared towards teen idols and pop stars so I'll try one of those instead. Only problem is I don't really know any pop stars. Not current ones anyways.
I know, I'll try Lori McKenna. She's not really a pop star but she is a great singer-songwriter that I really like, and she was on Oprah last month. If she was good enough for Oprah then she ought to be good enough for Pandora, right? Once again, I typed in Lori McKenna, hit enter, blinking lights, and...presto! This time I got a match. And lo and behold, it's -
Lori McKenna.
Wait a minute. I type in Lori McKenna's name and, after much scrutiny and analysis, Pandora has determined that since I like Lori McKenna so much I might also like to hear other songs by the same person. This program is brilliant. It never would have ocurred to me that if I like one song by an artist that I might also like another one of her songs too. You can't buy that kind of insight. I tell ya', sometimes I just have to gape and wonder and ask what did we poor humans ever do before this new fangled hi-tech stuff came along? Just listened to first track on a CD, I guess, and then sat there too dumb to go on to track 2 . Not anymore. Not now that we have Pandora. It's a new age, my friend.
Oh ok, I thought, maybe I wasn't being fair. After all, Lori McKenna isn't exactly a household name and there probably aren't a lot of artists out there like her anyways, so maybe I should skip the sarcasm and try inputting a song instead. A top forty hit would be good. Something from the days of my youth that Pandora would be able to analyze and match in it's extensive database. I racked my brain and then I remembered an old 70's favorite of mine by The Eagles called "One of These Nights." Ah, how that song brings back the memories. The carefree days and the hot summer nights, the beach parties and the sand in your sleeping bag, the lithe bodies of winsome girls and the parking spots where we would stop and gaze out over the twinkling lights of the city. Yeah, those were the days and it all seems so long ago. "One of These Nights" would be a good one to try.
And so I typed it in, hit enter, got past the blinking lights and this time Pandora finally starts to do it's thing. And the first match is -
"Interesting Drug" by Morrisey.
Huh? I'm thinking of winsome girls and late summer nights and Pandora comes up with a drug song? Fortunately Pandora has a feature that tells you why it thought I might like this particular song, so I clicked it and here's what it said.
"It features basic rock song structure, subtle use of vocal harmony, mild rhythmic syncopation, mixed acoustic and electric instrumentation, and major key tonality."
Is that why I like that old Eagles song? Because of it's sycopated rhythms and major key tonality? Does this mean that I can't like anything legato or in a minor key? Oh brother. Sorry, Pandora, you just don't get it. Music is in the heart and the soul. It's not like chemistry where you can break it down into molecules and atoms and formulate new compounds. To say I like that Picasso over there doesn't mean I will similarly like a lesser painting just because it has 3 eyeballs and a foot sticking out it's ear. Music is ideas and emotions and memories and a thousand other things that speak to our humanity, not our science. Sure, technology is swell, but it has it's limits.
And I'm not playing with Pandora anymore. Geez, it's so depressing. Not even my computer understands me.
Monday, November 21, 2005
I Know, Let's Talk About the Weather
The Woods are Lovely, Dark and Deep
But I Have Promises to Keep
You can tell a New Englander wrote that because a Californian wouldn't have a clue what he was talking about. Not when it's late November and the thermometer is still hovering well above 70 degrees. Good thing too because I was starting to worry about the high energy bills everyone's been warning us about. But, not to worry. Looks like I'll be paying those bills and still managing to have a dollar or two left over for food and shelter after all.
You gotta love California.
And you know I think it's time for all of us Californians to maybe take a minute here and give a little thanks to our local weatherperson. After all, when the weather is lousy we always give them the blame, don't we? So when it's particularly nice it only seems fitting to to give them the credit too. Maybe a national "Weatherperson Appreciation Day" would be in order. Wouldn't that be nice. Just walk up to your local weatherperson and say "hey, thanks buddy for all you've done." And maybe a little tip would be in order as well. Nothing much, minc you - just a double sawbuck or something like that to show your appreciation. That way our consciences would be clean for when the weather turns lousy and we all start raggin' on 'em again.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Anyways, needless to say, it's been a long summer here in California this year, and I'm sure more than a few Californians have been thinking about packing a cooler and putting on some suncreen and having Christmas at the beach this year. Geez, why not? Let those people back east get all bundled up and sit around the fire singing Christmas carols. We'll just fire up the barbecue, set out some beach chairs, pop open some cold ones and check out the babes. Yeah, that's how we do Christmas in California.
Actually, that's not really true. I'm just making that up. We usually spend our Chrismas' indoors just like everybody else, but this year may be different. I guess it's must be that global warming thing that's causing all the strange weather. Whatever it is, I'm all for it. Keep pumping out that CO2 people cause I'm liking this weather, and, after all, don't you think Ozone is highly overrated anyways? I mean, who needs it. Isn't that why God gave us sunglasses and SPF50?
Think about it.
Well, it should be pretty clear by now that I've got absolutely nothing to blog about tonight. I think it must be all this sunshine that's got me feeling so sanguine and unconcerned because... I mean it's hard to stare ruefully into the middle distance when the birds are singing and the warm rays of the California sun are washing over your face. How can you be contemplative and bleak on a day like this? It's impossible, I tell you. Yeah, we Californians may be shallow, but at least we're warm.
The palms are lovely, green and tall
But I have blog posts yet to scrawl
And nothing on my mind at all
Nothing on my mind at all.
The Woods are Lovely, Dark and Deep
But I Have Promises to Keep
You can tell a New Englander wrote that because a Californian wouldn't have a clue what he was talking about. Not when it's late November and the thermometer is still hovering well above 70 degrees. Good thing too because I was starting to worry about the high energy bills everyone's been warning us about. But, not to worry. Looks like I'll be paying those bills and still managing to have a dollar or two left over for food and shelter after all.
You gotta love California.
And you know I think it's time for all of us Californians to maybe take a minute here and give a little thanks to our local weatherperson. After all, when the weather is lousy we always give them the blame, don't we? So when it's particularly nice it only seems fitting to to give them the credit too. Maybe a national "Weatherperson Appreciation Day" would be in order. Wouldn't that be nice. Just walk up to your local weatherperson and say "hey, thanks buddy for all you've done." And maybe a little tip would be in order as well. Nothing much, minc you - just a double sawbuck or something like that to show your appreciation. That way our consciences would be clean for when the weather turns lousy and we all start raggin' on 'em again.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Anyways, needless to say, it's been a long summer here in California this year, and I'm sure more than a few Californians have been thinking about packing a cooler and putting on some suncreen and having Christmas at the beach this year. Geez, why not? Let those people back east get all bundled up and sit around the fire singing Christmas carols. We'll just fire up the barbecue, set out some beach chairs, pop open some cold ones and check out the babes. Yeah, that's how we do Christmas in California.
Actually, that's not really true. I'm just making that up. We usually spend our Chrismas' indoors just like everybody else, but this year may be different. I guess it's must be that global warming thing that's causing all the strange weather. Whatever it is, I'm all for it. Keep pumping out that CO2 people cause I'm liking this weather, and, after all, don't you think Ozone is highly overrated anyways? I mean, who needs it. Isn't that why God gave us sunglasses and SPF50?
Think about it.
Well, it should be pretty clear by now that I've got absolutely nothing to blog about tonight. I think it must be all this sunshine that's got me feeling so sanguine and unconcerned because... I mean it's hard to stare ruefully into the middle distance when the birds are singing and the warm rays of the California sun are washing over your face. How can you be contemplative and bleak on a day like this? It's impossible, I tell you. Yeah, we Californians may be shallow, but at least we're warm.
The palms are lovely, green and tall
But I have blog posts yet to scrawl
And nothing on my mind at all
Nothing on my mind at all.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Things We (Saw) Today, And Other Musical Notes
So how was your day? Mine was pretty eventful. I went down to the park this afternoon for my usual lunchtime walk and who do you think I should see leaving the park ahead of me? How about this for a clue.
She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yep. Believe it or not there was this skinny old man in a sweatshirt and shorts walking out of the park with two security type people beside him, and there were these people in the parking lot waving and yelling out "We love you". He was waving back and I got a look at his face and thought "Hmmm, you know that guy looks familiar. He kind of looks like...
Paul McCartney!"
Then I thought "Nah, that can't be Paul McCartney. What would Paul McCartney be doing down here at the park. It must be someone else". So I went for my little lunchtime three miler, but all the time I was walking I kept thinking how much that guy looked like Sir Paul. Not the round cheeked little mop top from the movies mind you, but a more wrinkled and grandfatherly version. Still, dang it, it did kind of look like him.
So I got back to the office and I checked the newspaper and guess who is in town giving a concert tonight at San Jose Arena. Huh, need I say more. Then, as if that weren't proof enough, someone told me that there's a quiet, out of the way hotel near the park where a lot of celebrities stay there when they're in town and want to keep things sort of low-key. I don't know about you but that's all facts I need. I saw Paul McCartney today, and that's all there is to it!
And now as the day has wore on into the night it's begun to sink in to me just how famous that guy is. Jesus Christ, there aren't many people more famous than an ex-Beatle are there? And wouldn't you know it, dag nabbit, I didn't bring a camera. Damn. They say you should always bring a camera with you wherever you go in case something happens, and now I know why. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.
Well that's the way it goes, I suppose, and to tell the truth Paul McCartney isn't nearly as big a celebrity to me now as he was, say, forty years ago. I mean it's probably been 30 years since he's written a song I liked, and some of his other projects have been pretty lame, if you ask me. Sure he's famous and I'm as big a sucker for celebrities as the next guy, but he's mostly famous for stuff he did a long time ago, and I think if I could pick the top 10 celebrities I'd like to run into at the park he probably wouldn't be one of them. But then again, I saw Paul McCartney!
Oh well, turning now to more current musical superstars I guess I should talk a little about the latest Hilary Hahn CD. Actually it's not her CD. She only has co-billing on this one along with pianist Natalie Zhu, and it features four Mozart Sonatas for Piano and Violin. Now I know millions turn to this blog for the best Classical CD reviews on the net so I won't beat around the bush. This CD is...
No, wait. Before I talk about the Mozart CD maybe I should talk a little bit about Sibelius instead. That would be Jean Sibelius (1865-1957), of course, and some other CD's I've been listening to lately. First let me explain that I have a bias towards the music of the late 1800's and early 1900's, particulary that type of music know as "Late Romantic" music, and particularly the music of Mahler and Sibelius. I should also explain that I know as much about music as I do about french cooking, which is not much, but I do know the music I like and, likewise, I also know when the soup is cold.
So, where were we?
Oh yeah, Sibelius. I love the music of Sibelius. He and Mahler were contemporaries, you know, but they were also just about as opposite as two composers could be. It's said that Mahler liked the big themes - life, death, resurrection, you know the whole grand cosmological scheme of things, while Sibelius was more pastoral, more natural, and more in tune with the inner world. That's what some people say, anyways, and for the most part I would agree. If you could generalize about the two then you could say that Mahler's music is much more expansive than the introspective and earthbound Sibelius.
Of the two, I prefer Mahler to Sibelius, but then again I prefer either one of them to most other composers I've heard. Anyways, Sibelius wrote this famous violin concerto back around 1904-1905, and it has since gone on to be one of the most recorded concerto's ever written for that instrument. That's according to me, and I can't think of a major violin virtuoso who hasn't recorded it at least once (except for a certain H.H., but we'll get to that later).
Probably the most famous recording is one done by Jascha Heifetz back in the 1960's (?) that many consider to be the definitive version of this particular piece. Hmmmm, well thanks to the miracle of the internet and 21st century technology you can now hear that famous recording and decide for yourself just how definitive it is. Personally, out of the hundreds (thousands? millions?) of Sibelius Violin Concerto recordings that are out there I've heard just four of them, and of the four the Heifetz has got to be the weakest. Instead of the raw emotional power that characterize the best interpretations (in my opinion), Heifetz dances and flits through the piece as though on a merry little jaunt through the countryside.
Somewhat better than the Heifetz is the Anne-Sophie Mutter interepretation dating from around the mid 1990's or so. Listen to Heifetz and then listen to Mutter and you'll wonder if you're listening to same piece. Where Heifetz flits and dances Mutter dramatizes and emotes, almost to the point of emotional cruelty. There are many who say Mutter's is the definitive reading, but it's too much of a soap opera for my tastes.
The only other two renditions of the concerto I've heard are both gems. The first is from Itzhak Perlman and the second from Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg, a violinist who usually comes on a little too strong for my liking, but who gives what I think is the definitive reading among the four. The Perlman is a fantastic, virtuoso perfomance with an overpowering Russian feel to the music, much in the tradition of Tchaikovsky, a composer whom Sibelius was often compared to early in his career. However, as exhilirating as it is, it simply doesn't have the sort of raw power of the Salerno-Sonnenberg version. Maybe the musical purists will disagree, but raw power is what the Sibelius needs and Salerno-Sonnenberg provides it willingly and with gusto. Even in the Adagio she manages to soften the tone without losing any of that emotional strength that seems to power the engine of this piece. It's a remarkable CD that definitely belongs in any musical collection, classical or otherwise.
Which brings me back to Hilary Hahn and Natalie Zhu. The new CD is called Mozart Violin Sonatas, it's on the Deutsche Grammophone label (which means no rootkits, I hope), and would it really suprise anyone if I told you that the playing and the players are absolutely flawless. Probably not because, let's face it, anyone at all familiar with H.H.'s past achievements wouldn't doubt for a minute that she would utterly master these four Mozart Sonatas. They are absolutely suited to the brlliance of her style, and the dialog between N.Z. and H.H. is clever and witty in the best Mozart fashion, and everything on this CD from the picture on the front all the way to the barcode on the back is done with impeccable taste and style. And frankly, after a dozen or so listens I think I'm a little Mozart'd out.
I mean, it's not like there aren't any other Mozart CD's out there or any classical music stations playing Mozart day after day, morning, noon and night. In fact, I think at any given time Beethoven and Mozart probably account for 50% of all classical music currently playing on classical music stations across the nation. At least it seems that way, and that's why I love this CD but I wish that H.H. had done something a little different. I know, I know, everyone loves Mozart and certainly no record label is going to scream and holler if you decide to do a Mozart CD, but, geez, I'm just not in the mood.
Which brings me to the main point of this posting. That is I read somewhere that H.H. gave a performance or is going to give a performance somewhere and she played or is going to play a piece I didn't know was in her repertoire. I wish I could remember where I read it but the article said she was going to play...
The Sibelius Violin Concerto.
Hilary Hahn playing the Sibelius? Are you kidding me? Now don't get me wrong. I love H.H.'s playing and I've got every one of her CD's, but a raw, emotional piece like the Sibelius? Somehow, even as gifted as she is, the words "raw" and "emotional" aren't qualities I'd usually associate with her style. She is a strong player, however, and with much better instincts and control than others I've heard, so maybe she could pull off the Sibelius. Redefine it, if you will. Now that would be interesting. That would be something I'd like to hear. She could probably play the Mozart in her sleep but the Sibelius...hmmm.
Of course she has done some similar things in the past. Let me think. She won a well deserved grammy for the Brahms, and of course she recorded the Mendelssohn, although with not nearly the success of others she has recorded. And she did the Beethoven, but the Brahms and the Beethoven are very different from the Sibelius. The Sibelius is a little more out there. I tell you, if she ever decides to record it there will definitely be some interested fans who would be very anxious to hear what she does with it. And since she is the only major violinist I can think of who hasn't recorded it then, well, there you go. I guess that settles it.
Oops, wait a minute, I almost forgot. She's got some sort of Paganini project in the works. Heh, she'll ace that one. She's definitely got the chops to handle Paganini. And in the meantime (sigh), there's always Mozart.
So how was your day? Mine was pretty eventful. I went down to the park this afternoon for my usual lunchtime walk and who do you think I should see leaving the park ahead of me? How about this for a clue.
She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yep. Believe it or not there was this skinny old man in a sweatshirt and shorts walking out of the park with two security type people beside him, and there were these people in the parking lot waving and yelling out "We love you". He was waving back and I got a look at his face and thought "Hmmm, you know that guy looks familiar. He kind of looks like...
Paul McCartney!"
Then I thought "Nah, that can't be Paul McCartney. What would Paul McCartney be doing down here at the park. It must be someone else". So I went for my little lunchtime three miler, but all the time I was walking I kept thinking how much that guy looked like Sir Paul. Not the round cheeked little mop top from the movies mind you, but a more wrinkled and grandfatherly version. Still, dang it, it did kind of look like him.
So I got back to the office and I checked the newspaper and guess who is in town giving a concert tonight at San Jose Arena. Huh, need I say more. Then, as if that weren't proof enough, someone told me that there's a quiet, out of the way hotel near the park where a lot of celebrities stay there when they're in town and want to keep things sort of low-key. I don't know about you but that's all facts I need. I saw Paul McCartney today, and that's all there is to it!
And now as the day has wore on into the night it's begun to sink in to me just how famous that guy is. Jesus Christ, there aren't many people more famous than an ex-Beatle are there? And wouldn't you know it, dag nabbit, I didn't bring a camera. Damn. They say you should always bring a camera with you wherever you go in case something happens, and now I know why. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.
Well that's the way it goes, I suppose, and to tell the truth Paul McCartney isn't nearly as big a celebrity to me now as he was, say, forty years ago. I mean it's probably been 30 years since he's written a song I liked, and some of his other projects have been pretty lame, if you ask me. Sure he's famous and I'm as big a sucker for celebrities as the next guy, but he's mostly famous for stuff he did a long time ago, and I think if I could pick the top 10 celebrities I'd like to run into at the park he probably wouldn't be one of them. But then again, I saw Paul McCartney!
Oh well, turning now to more current musical superstars I guess I should talk a little about the latest Hilary Hahn CD. Actually it's not her CD. She only has co-billing on this one along with pianist Natalie Zhu, and it features four Mozart Sonatas for Piano and Violin. Now I know millions turn to this blog for the best Classical CD reviews on the net so I won't beat around the bush. This CD is...
No, wait. Before I talk about the Mozart CD maybe I should talk a little bit about Sibelius instead. That would be Jean Sibelius (1865-1957), of course, and some other CD's I've been listening to lately. First let me explain that I have a bias towards the music of the late 1800's and early 1900's, particulary that type of music know as "Late Romantic" music, and particularly the music of Mahler and Sibelius. I should also explain that I know as much about music as I do about french cooking, which is not much, but I do know the music I like and, likewise, I also know when the soup is cold.
So, where were we?
Oh yeah, Sibelius. I love the music of Sibelius. He and Mahler were contemporaries, you know, but they were also just about as opposite as two composers could be. It's said that Mahler liked the big themes - life, death, resurrection, you know the whole grand cosmological scheme of things, while Sibelius was more pastoral, more natural, and more in tune with the inner world. That's what some people say, anyways, and for the most part I would agree. If you could generalize about the two then you could say that Mahler's music is much more expansive than the introspective and earthbound Sibelius.
Of the two, I prefer Mahler to Sibelius, but then again I prefer either one of them to most other composers I've heard. Anyways, Sibelius wrote this famous violin concerto back around 1904-1905, and it has since gone on to be one of the most recorded concerto's ever written for that instrument. That's according to me, and I can't think of a major violin virtuoso who hasn't recorded it at least once (except for a certain H.H., but we'll get to that later).
Probably the most famous recording is one done by Jascha Heifetz back in the 1960's (?) that many consider to be the definitive version of this particular piece. Hmmmm, well thanks to the miracle of the internet and 21st century technology you can now hear that famous recording and decide for yourself just how definitive it is. Personally, out of the hundreds (thousands? millions?) of Sibelius Violin Concerto recordings that are out there I've heard just four of them, and of the four the Heifetz has got to be the weakest. Instead of the raw emotional power that characterize the best interpretations (in my opinion), Heifetz dances and flits through the piece as though on a merry little jaunt through the countryside.
Somewhat better than the Heifetz is the Anne-Sophie Mutter interepretation dating from around the mid 1990's or so. Listen to Heifetz and then listen to Mutter and you'll wonder if you're listening to same piece. Where Heifetz flits and dances Mutter dramatizes and emotes, almost to the point of emotional cruelty. There are many who say Mutter's is the definitive reading, but it's too much of a soap opera for my tastes.
The only other two renditions of the concerto I've heard are both gems. The first is from Itzhak Perlman and the second from Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg, a violinist who usually comes on a little too strong for my liking, but who gives what I think is the definitive reading among the four. The Perlman is a fantastic, virtuoso perfomance with an overpowering Russian feel to the music, much in the tradition of Tchaikovsky, a composer whom Sibelius was often compared to early in his career. However, as exhilirating as it is, it simply doesn't have the sort of raw power of the Salerno-Sonnenberg version. Maybe the musical purists will disagree, but raw power is what the Sibelius needs and Salerno-Sonnenberg provides it willingly and with gusto. Even in the Adagio she manages to soften the tone without losing any of that emotional strength that seems to power the engine of this piece. It's a remarkable CD that definitely belongs in any musical collection, classical or otherwise.
Which brings me back to Hilary Hahn and Natalie Zhu. The new CD is called Mozart Violin Sonatas, it's on the Deutsche Grammophone label (which means no rootkits, I hope), and would it really suprise anyone if I told you that the playing and the players are absolutely flawless. Probably not because, let's face it, anyone at all familiar with H.H.'s past achievements wouldn't doubt for a minute that she would utterly master these four Mozart Sonatas. They are absolutely suited to the brlliance of her style, and the dialog between N.Z. and H.H. is clever and witty in the best Mozart fashion, and everything on this CD from the picture on the front all the way to the barcode on the back is done with impeccable taste and style. And frankly, after a dozen or so listens I think I'm a little Mozart'd out.
I mean, it's not like there aren't any other Mozart CD's out there or any classical music stations playing Mozart day after day, morning, noon and night. In fact, I think at any given time Beethoven and Mozart probably account for 50% of all classical music currently playing on classical music stations across the nation. At least it seems that way, and that's why I love this CD but I wish that H.H. had done something a little different. I know, I know, everyone loves Mozart and certainly no record label is going to scream and holler if you decide to do a Mozart CD, but, geez, I'm just not in the mood.
Which brings me to the main point of this posting. That is I read somewhere that H.H. gave a performance or is going to give a performance somewhere and she played or is going to play a piece I didn't know was in her repertoire. I wish I could remember where I read it but the article said she was going to play...
The Sibelius Violin Concerto.
Hilary Hahn playing the Sibelius? Are you kidding me? Now don't get me wrong. I love H.H.'s playing and I've got every one of her CD's, but a raw, emotional piece like the Sibelius? Somehow, even as gifted as she is, the words "raw" and "emotional" aren't qualities I'd usually associate with her style. She is a strong player, however, and with much better instincts and control than others I've heard, so maybe she could pull off the Sibelius. Redefine it, if you will. Now that would be interesting. That would be something I'd like to hear. She could probably play the Mozart in her sleep but the Sibelius...hmmm.
Of course she has done some similar things in the past. Let me think. She won a well deserved grammy for the Brahms, and of course she recorded the Mendelssohn, although with not nearly the success of others she has recorded. And she did the Beethoven, but the Brahms and the Beethoven are very different from the Sibelius. The Sibelius is a little more out there. I tell you, if she ever decides to record it there will definitely be some interested fans who would be very anxious to hear what she does with it. And since she is the only major violinist I can think of who hasn't recorded it then, well, there you go. I guess that settles it.
Oops, wait a minute, I almost forgot. She's got some sort of Paganini project in the works. Heh, she'll ace that one. She's definitely got the chops to handle Paganini. And in the meantime (sigh), there's always Mozart.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Behold The Wages Of Sin
"Hey Pete, is that you man?"
"Hey T"
"What you doin' down here?"
"Gettin' stoned" he says as he passes the paper bag my way. "You want a hit?"
"What's in the bag?"
"Fifth of Beam. Good stuff, man. Go on, take a swig."
"Naw, no thanks."
"Ok, suit yourself. You don't want to party with me it's no sweat off my ass."
"Why you down here drinking Beam like some wino anyways?"
"Shit. Nothing else to do."
"You break up with Rosalie chick or something?"
"Aw man" he laughed, "where you been? You mean Roberta? Man, I ain't seen her since I moved to Sacramento."
"You moved to Sacramento?"
"Yeah. Don't you remember?"
"Naw. I ain't seen you in a long time. I ain't seen you since you got your house broken into. Damn, that's like ten years ago or something."
"Yeah, I remember that. Son of a bitch, that was a nice stereo too and they fuckin' ripped me off. Mother fuckers!" He paused a second or two and then continued. "So now what? Now you're all straightlaced and shit and don't party no more?"
I didn't answer. "What were you doin' in Sacramento?"
"Working."
"Oh yeah, doin' what?"
"Aw, you know. This and that. Bullshit mostly."
"So you still working up there?"
"Naw, I got fired. They busted me for smoking."
"Busted you for smoking? Smoking what?"
"Cigarettes, man. They fired me for smoking cigarettes."
"Smoking cigarettes? You gotta be shittin' me. Were you smoking in the bathroom or something?"
"Naw, I wasn't even smoking at work. Not in the building or outside or anything."
"And they fired you? What for?"
"The boss was a real asshole, man. He said that their health insurance costs were going up and so he made this rule that you had to be a non-smoker in order to work there and then he made everyone take breathalyzer tests and shit so he could check and make sure no one was sneaking a cigarette in their off hours. You know, shit like that. One day he told me I was gonna have to blow into this machine and so I told him 'Why don't you come over here and blow on this'. That's when they fired me."
"That's bullshit. They can't fire you for smoking cigarettes on your own time."
"Oh yes they can. We even talked to some legal aid guy about it and he said they can fire you anytime they want and they don't even need a reason. "
"They can fire you for smoking cigarettes in your own living room?"
"Man, everyone's doing it nowdays. Don't you watch the news? It's like you agree to work for someone and they get to control your life."
"Shit."
"Shit."
"So that's why you left Sacramento?"
"Naw, that wasn't it. I got another job up there, and even quit smoking too. You know, I figured a man's gotta eat, don't he, so I threw away my cigarettes and got this job. And I was being real good, too. No smoking, no drinking, nothing. And then one day the boss comes in and tells us that due to rising health care costs the company was going to start monitoring everyone's diet. And then he tells us from now on everyone was going to have to buy all their food from the company grocery store and that anyone caught eating food that wasn't sold at the company store was gonna be fired. And then he told us that we were all gonna have to be weighed everyday when we came in to work and that they would be monitoring everyones waistlines and dress sizes and if they noticed any increases that they were gonna be fired. Then he told us we were all gonna have to start on a company exercise program and that anyone not showing up for their company exercises was gonna be fired. "
"You mean you could only eat food that they approved?"
"Yeah, we had to buy it at their store and they used to come to our houses after work and on the weekends to check the garbage just to make sure that we weren't eating anything we weren't supposed to."
"So what happened?"
"Aw man, I couldn't stomach that shit. Tofu burgers and raw onions and soy milk - you could eat 50 pounds of that crap and still be hungry, you know what I mean? So one day I drove into the parking lot and the security guard spots a half-eaten french fry on the passenger seat and boom - slick as shit I was out the door."
"You ate a french fry in the car? Holy shit, Pete, what were you thinking?"
"I couldn't hack it. It was bad enough I had to quit the cigarettes and booze, but the tofu burgers...that was just totally fucked."
"I didn't know they could do shit like that."
"Neither did I, but they can."
"So that's when you left Sacramento."
"I wanted to, but I needed money, man. What was I gonna do? I decided I better lay off the fries and go out and get another job and so I went out and got one. And I was so gonna make it this time. Man my lungs were clear, my mind was sharp, my belly was empty, and I was walking the treadmill everyday too. And then I met this girl. Guadalupe - Mexican girl, you know, and she was fine. Long black hair and big brown eyes and always smelling like rosewater or something, you know. And real down-to-earth, too. Not like those other chicks I used to hang around with."
"So what happened?"
"Aw, I tell you she was beautiful. And here I was cleaning up my act and eating healthy and all of that, and I'd be taking her out to all these fancy places, you know, expensive restaurants and shows and things like that. Shit, I bet you can't picture a slob like me eating breadsticks in some fancy restaurant, but there we were, and I was in love, man. I mean I was really in love with that girl. Even went down to Modesto to meet her parents."
"And..."
"So one day I popped the question. Right there in the middle of this restaurant I asked her to marry me and guess what? She says 'Yes', just like that. Didn't even want to think it over or nothing. And so she started making all these plans and shit and I told all the people at work and I felt like after all the fucking up I'd done in my life I finally managed to get something right. And then..."
"Yeah?"
"One day the boss calls me into his office and tells me that before the company can allow me to get married, Guadalupe and I have got to go down and get our DNA tested. He says that due to rising health costs the company needs to be sure that we are biologically compatible and won't be pressuring their bottom line by bringing any babies with chronic health problems into the world. I told him that I didn't think that was any of the company's business and he said either I could go get the test or I could start looking for another job, so I agreed that we'd take the test."
"What happened?"
"The test came back and it said that I had some kind of gene that wasn't a good match for one of Guadalupe's genes and that there was a 1 in 350,000 chance that our children could develop some kind of disease because of it. The boss told me he was sorry but if I chose to marry Guadalupe then he would have to terminate me right then or there. It was my choice, it was either marry her or keep my job, but I couldn't do both. So I told him to go fuck himself. There were other jobs, but there was only one Guadalupe, and I told him that and then I walked right out the door."
"Right on, Pete. What a fucking asshole."
"Only when I went back to my place to tell Guadalupe what happened, she was gone. She left me a note and told me she loved me and she was sorry to leave me like that, but she couldn't marry me. She told me the company had called and explained what had happened and she couldn't take the chance of having a freak baby. That's what my boss had told her - that we would have a freak baby, and now that the results of our DNA tests were known neither one of us would ever be able to get a job again. Not if we got married anyways."
"He told her that?"
"I never found out what happened to Guadalupe. It was like she just disappeared of the face of the earth. I'll admit I was bitter for a while, but then...well, you can't survive on bitterness. I had to go find another job."
"Damn, Pete. This is like some kind of nightmare or something."
"The next job was just the same old shit. You know, due to rising health costs blah, blah, blah. But you know, even with everything that happened I still did alright for a while. I was getting lonely though. Ever since Guadalupe left I didn't have no woman or nothing, and, well, you know how it gets. A man gets lonely for the company of a woman. You know what they say, a woman may give a man many pains, but celibacy gives him no pleasures."
"Hey, that's pretty good. Did you come up with that?"
"No, I read in a book somewhere. Anyway, so one night I picked up this girl downtown and took her back to my place. It wasn't nothing. I was only looking for a little companionship and I never thought that there might be any problem. But then, you guessed it, the next day I go into work and the boss calls me into his office and asks me if I'd had any sexual relations lately. I told him yeah, though I didn't see how it was any of his business one way or the other. Then he reminds me that due to rising health costs the company had a policy about employees engaging in sexual relations outside of sanctity of marriage, and then he tells me he'll need to know the names of all my sexual partners. I ask him why and he says that the company will need to run sexual histories on all my partners to be sure that I hadn't taken any undue health risks. Naturally, I told him what he could do with his company health policy and that was that."
"Shit, why didn't the company just tie a camera to your dick and keep you under 24 hour surveillance."
"Don't be giving 'em any ideas, partner. So that was that job. My last job was the real kicker though. This time I really played it straight. No smokes, no booze, no burgers, no broads, nothing. I came into work each day and I didn't do nothing I wasn't supposed to do except kiss their asses just like any good 'ol American company man would. I thought there wasn't nothing that was gonna get me fired from this job this time."
"Uh-oh, what happened?"
"I finally got a little money together and so one day I decided to go down to the record store and buy a new CD. I looked around a while and bought this new one by a group I heard on the radio and I took it home to play on my stereo."
"So?"
"So, before I played it I decided I'd put it into my computer first to make a backup, you know, so in case anything happened I'd still have another copy I could use."
"Yeah. So what?"
"So I made the backup and then I played the CD and didn't think anything of it until I went into work the next day. I get into work and the boss calls me into his office and tells me that he just got a call from Sony BMG saying that a rootkit that they had installed on my computer reported back to them that I had made an illegal copy of one of their CD's. I said 'What?' and he said that Sony had installed a program on my computer that lets them know what I'm doing with my computer, and that last night their logs showed that I had made an illegal copy of one of their CD's. I said you must be shittin' me and the boss says no. Then he tells me that the company cannot condone this kind of unethical behavior and..."
"They fired you?"
"Yeah, and I was being so good. Shit. I tell you, you just can't win with these people. That's when I left Sacramento and came back down here."
"You mean you got busted by your computer?"
"Man, they got all the bases covered. Face it, T, they own us. Those big corporations out there, they own you, me, the government...everything."
"They don't own me. Not as long as I've got my blog and ten fingers to type with."
"Sheeeet...your blog. Man, what do you think would happen if your company ever read your blog."
"No one reads my blog, and I aim to keep it that way."
"Yeah, but just supposin'"
"Fuck it. I don't care. It's a free country ain't it."
"Like hell it is" he said, and then grew dark and silent.
"So what are you doing now?" I asked.
"What does it look like I'm doing? You want a hit?"
"Naw, man. I don't drink."
"Oh, you don't drink, like that's gonna save you. Believe me man, there's something you're doing that someone don't like and if they catch you at it your ass is grass."
"We're all just pawns on someone else's chessboard. Is that what you think?" Pete didn't answer. "So what you gonna do now, now that you got this all figured out I mean."
"Finish this bottle, have a cigarette, and go get a little poke from one of them whores over at JJ's. I still got some money in my pocket."
"Fuckin' eh, Pete, they really ran you through the ringer, man."
"It's a new world, T. No more vices and no more sins. We're all gonna have pink lungs and healthy livers and we're gonna lead good clean lives and live to be a hundred and ten."
"Bullshit!"
"See ya' T. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"See ya' Pete. There but for the grace of God..."
"
"Hey Pete, is that you man?"
"Hey T"
"What you doin' down here?"
"Gettin' stoned" he says as he passes the paper bag my way. "You want a hit?"
"What's in the bag?"
"Fifth of Beam. Good stuff, man. Go on, take a swig."
"Naw, no thanks."
"Ok, suit yourself. You don't want to party with me it's no sweat off my ass."
"Why you down here drinking Beam like some wino anyways?"
"Shit. Nothing else to do."
"You break up with Rosalie chick or something?"
"Aw man" he laughed, "where you been? You mean Roberta? Man, I ain't seen her since I moved to Sacramento."
"You moved to Sacramento?"
"Yeah. Don't you remember?"
"Naw. I ain't seen you in a long time. I ain't seen you since you got your house broken into. Damn, that's like ten years ago or something."
"Yeah, I remember that. Son of a bitch, that was a nice stereo too and they fuckin' ripped me off. Mother fuckers!" He paused a second or two and then continued. "So now what? Now you're all straightlaced and shit and don't party no more?"
I didn't answer. "What were you doin' in Sacramento?"
"Working."
"Oh yeah, doin' what?"
"Aw, you know. This and that. Bullshit mostly."
"So you still working up there?"
"Naw, I got fired. They busted me for smoking."
"Busted you for smoking? Smoking what?"
"Cigarettes, man. They fired me for smoking cigarettes."
"Smoking cigarettes? You gotta be shittin' me. Were you smoking in the bathroom or something?"
"Naw, I wasn't even smoking at work. Not in the building or outside or anything."
"And they fired you? What for?"
"The boss was a real asshole, man. He said that their health insurance costs were going up and so he made this rule that you had to be a non-smoker in order to work there and then he made everyone take breathalyzer tests and shit so he could check and make sure no one was sneaking a cigarette in their off hours. You know, shit like that. One day he told me I was gonna have to blow into this machine and so I told him 'Why don't you come over here and blow on this'. That's when they fired me."
"That's bullshit. They can't fire you for smoking cigarettes on your own time."
"Oh yes they can. We even talked to some legal aid guy about it and he said they can fire you anytime they want and they don't even need a reason. "
"They can fire you for smoking cigarettes in your own living room?"
"Man, everyone's doing it nowdays. Don't you watch the news? It's like you agree to work for someone and they get to control your life."
"Shit."
"Shit."
"So that's why you left Sacramento?"
"Naw, that wasn't it. I got another job up there, and even quit smoking too. You know, I figured a man's gotta eat, don't he, so I threw away my cigarettes and got this job. And I was being real good, too. No smoking, no drinking, nothing. And then one day the boss comes in and tells us that due to rising health care costs the company was going to start monitoring everyone's diet. And then he tells us from now on everyone was going to have to buy all their food from the company grocery store and that anyone caught eating food that wasn't sold at the company store was gonna be fired. And then he told us that we were all gonna have to be weighed everyday when we came in to work and that they would be monitoring everyones waistlines and dress sizes and if they noticed any increases that they were gonna be fired. Then he told us we were all gonna have to start on a company exercise program and that anyone not showing up for their company exercises was gonna be fired. "
"You mean you could only eat food that they approved?"
"Yeah, we had to buy it at their store and they used to come to our houses after work and on the weekends to check the garbage just to make sure that we weren't eating anything we weren't supposed to."
"So what happened?"
"Aw man, I couldn't stomach that shit. Tofu burgers and raw onions and soy milk - you could eat 50 pounds of that crap and still be hungry, you know what I mean? So one day I drove into the parking lot and the security guard spots a half-eaten french fry on the passenger seat and boom - slick as shit I was out the door."
"You ate a french fry in the car? Holy shit, Pete, what were you thinking?"
"I couldn't hack it. It was bad enough I had to quit the cigarettes and booze, but the tofu burgers...that was just totally fucked."
"I didn't know they could do shit like that."
"Neither did I, but they can."
"So that's when you left Sacramento."
"I wanted to, but I needed money, man. What was I gonna do? I decided I better lay off the fries and go out and get another job and so I went out and got one. And I was so gonna make it this time. Man my lungs were clear, my mind was sharp, my belly was empty, and I was walking the treadmill everyday too. And then I met this girl. Guadalupe - Mexican girl, you know, and she was fine. Long black hair and big brown eyes and always smelling like rosewater or something, you know. And real down-to-earth, too. Not like those other chicks I used to hang around with."
"So what happened?"
"Aw, I tell you she was beautiful. And here I was cleaning up my act and eating healthy and all of that, and I'd be taking her out to all these fancy places, you know, expensive restaurants and shows and things like that. Shit, I bet you can't picture a slob like me eating breadsticks in some fancy restaurant, but there we were, and I was in love, man. I mean I was really in love with that girl. Even went down to Modesto to meet her parents."
"And..."
"So one day I popped the question. Right there in the middle of this restaurant I asked her to marry me and guess what? She says 'Yes', just like that. Didn't even want to think it over or nothing. And so she started making all these plans and shit and I told all the people at work and I felt like after all the fucking up I'd done in my life I finally managed to get something right. And then..."
"Yeah?"
"One day the boss calls me into his office and tells me that before the company can allow me to get married, Guadalupe and I have got to go down and get our DNA tested. He says that due to rising health costs the company needs to be sure that we are biologically compatible and won't be pressuring their bottom line by bringing any babies with chronic health problems into the world. I told him that I didn't think that was any of the company's business and he said either I could go get the test or I could start looking for another job, so I agreed that we'd take the test."
"What happened?"
"The test came back and it said that I had some kind of gene that wasn't a good match for one of Guadalupe's genes and that there was a 1 in 350,000 chance that our children could develop some kind of disease because of it. The boss told me he was sorry but if I chose to marry Guadalupe then he would have to terminate me right then or there. It was my choice, it was either marry her or keep my job, but I couldn't do both. So I told him to go fuck himself. There were other jobs, but there was only one Guadalupe, and I told him that and then I walked right out the door."
"Right on, Pete. What a fucking asshole."
"Only when I went back to my place to tell Guadalupe what happened, she was gone. She left me a note and told me she loved me and she was sorry to leave me like that, but she couldn't marry me. She told me the company had called and explained what had happened and she couldn't take the chance of having a freak baby. That's what my boss had told her - that we would have a freak baby, and now that the results of our DNA tests were known neither one of us would ever be able to get a job again. Not if we got married anyways."
"He told her that?"
"I never found out what happened to Guadalupe. It was like she just disappeared of the face of the earth. I'll admit I was bitter for a while, but then...well, you can't survive on bitterness. I had to go find another job."
"Damn, Pete. This is like some kind of nightmare or something."
"The next job was just the same old shit. You know, due to rising health costs blah, blah, blah. But you know, even with everything that happened I still did alright for a while. I was getting lonely though. Ever since Guadalupe left I didn't have no woman or nothing, and, well, you know how it gets. A man gets lonely for the company of a woman. You know what they say, a woman may give a man many pains, but celibacy gives him no pleasures."
"Hey, that's pretty good. Did you come up with that?"
"No, I read in a book somewhere. Anyway, so one night I picked up this girl downtown and took her back to my place. It wasn't nothing. I was only looking for a little companionship and I never thought that there might be any problem. But then, you guessed it, the next day I go into work and the boss calls me into his office and asks me if I'd had any sexual relations lately. I told him yeah, though I didn't see how it was any of his business one way or the other. Then he reminds me that due to rising health costs the company had a policy about employees engaging in sexual relations outside of sanctity of marriage, and then he tells me he'll need to know the names of all my sexual partners. I ask him why and he says that the company will need to run sexual histories on all my partners to be sure that I hadn't taken any undue health risks. Naturally, I told him what he could do with his company health policy and that was that."
"Shit, why didn't the company just tie a camera to your dick and keep you under 24 hour surveillance."
"Don't be giving 'em any ideas, partner. So that was that job. My last job was the real kicker though. This time I really played it straight. No smokes, no booze, no burgers, no broads, nothing. I came into work each day and I didn't do nothing I wasn't supposed to do except kiss their asses just like any good 'ol American company man would. I thought there wasn't nothing that was gonna get me fired from this job this time."
"Uh-oh, what happened?"
"I finally got a little money together and so one day I decided to go down to the record store and buy a new CD. I looked around a while and bought this new one by a group I heard on the radio and I took it home to play on my stereo."
"So?"
"So, before I played it I decided I'd put it into my computer first to make a backup, you know, so in case anything happened I'd still have another copy I could use."
"Yeah. So what?"
"So I made the backup and then I played the CD and didn't think anything of it until I went into work the next day. I get into work and the boss calls me into his office and tells me that he just got a call from Sony BMG saying that a rootkit that they had installed on my computer reported back to them that I had made an illegal copy of one of their CD's. I said 'What?' and he said that Sony had installed a program on my computer that lets them know what I'm doing with my computer, and that last night their logs showed that I had made an illegal copy of one of their CD's. I said you must be shittin' me and the boss says no. Then he tells me that the company cannot condone this kind of unethical behavior and..."
"They fired you?"
"Yeah, and I was being so good. Shit. I tell you, you just can't win with these people. That's when I left Sacramento and came back down here."
"You mean you got busted by your computer?"
"Man, they got all the bases covered. Face it, T, they own us. Those big corporations out there, they own you, me, the government...everything."
"They don't own me. Not as long as I've got my blog and ten fingers to type with."
"Sheeeet...your blog. Man, what do you think would happen if your company ever read your blog."
"No one reads my blog, and I aim to keep it that way."
"Yeah, but just supposin'"
"Fuck it. I don't care. It's a free country ain't it."
"Like hell it is" he said, and then grew dark and silent.
"So what are you doing now?" I asked.
"What does it look like I'm doing? You want a hit?"
"Naw, man. I don't drink."
"Oh, you don't drink, like that's gonna save you. Believe me man, there's something you're doing that someone don't like and if they catch you at it your ass is grass."
"We're all just pawns on someone else's chessboard. Is that what you think?" Pete didn't answer. "So what you gonna do now, now that you got this all figured out I mean."
"Finish this bottle, have a cigarette, and go get a little poke from one of them whores over at JJ's. I still got some money in my pocket."
"Fuckin' eh, Pete, they really ran you through the ringer, man."
"It's a new world, T. No more vices and no more sins. We're all gonna have pink lungs and healthy livers and we're gonna lead good clean lives and live to be a hundred and ten."
"Bullshit!"
"See ya' T. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"See ya' Pete. There but for the grace of God..."
"
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Stuck In The Middle With You
Not that I want to be a gossip or anything, but I've got to talk a little bit about the people next door. Nice people, really, with a Mom and a Dad, two high school aged daughters , a high school aged son, a dog, a boat, and...
five cars parked in the driveway and out in the street.
Yep, you heard me right - five people and five different cars. Let's see, there's the one daughter's Scion TC (I think that's what it is), there's the other daughters little Toyota something or other (can you tell I'm not a car guy), and the son's sporty little Lexus thingy (the one with the mega stereo that he's so keen to show off at 2:00 in the morning), the Mom's fancy-dancy Lexus LS something or other ( I think), and of course Dad's Supersized Lexus SUV which sits so proundly in their driveway and casts long shadows over the sun-starved yards of his neighbors. Yep, 5 cars in all, and that doesn't include the Toyota Avalon which shows up every now and then. I'm not sure who that belongs to - it might be the dog's.
So why do I bring all this up? What do you care what kind of cars my neighbors drive or if they park them all over the street? Hmmm, come to think of it you probably don't care so let me change the subject.
Have you heard about these new tax reform proposals that are making their way towards our nation's capital? You must of heard about them. After many months of hard work, a bipartisan group of former Senators, Congressmen, lawyers, professors, economists and financial professionals known collectively as the President's Advisory Panel on Federal Tax Reform has issued a report outlining a set of revenue neutral options for reforming the nation's complex tax code. Among it's many recommendations it calls for a general reduction in tax rates, the elimination of certain deductions, and new incentives for savings and investment.
So far, so good, right? What's not to like? Everyone agrees our tax codes need simplification so this should be a slam dunk, right? Of course, and that's why it will sail through Congress with nary a word of dissent, right? Sure, no problem.
Which brings me to that sacredest of all American cows - the mortgage interest write off. For those of you who don't itemize I should probably explain. According to the Panel, about 30% of American taxpayers currently deduct their mortgage interest payments from their taxes, which means the other 70% don't. Now what the Panel is proposing is a cap on the amount of mortgage interest that can be deducted, a cap that the Panel estimates would affect just 5% of taxpayers, which means it would not affect the other 95%. Of course the media, thumbing through 300 or so pages of the report was quick to pick up on this little detail, and to their credit they all listened patiently as the Panel explained that the proposals were meant to be revenue neutral and that taxpayers would see tax reductions in other areas, including the elimination of the Alternative Minium Tax. And so the media, with great thoroughness and careful weighing of the facts, not wanting to appear reactionary or alarmist, reported these proposals in their usual fair and balanced fashion.
PRESIDENT WANTS TO SLASH INTEREST RATE DEDUCTION FOR MIDDLE CLASS HOMEOWNERS!!!
(Washington D.C) In a move designed to leave millions of middle class Americans destitute and homeless, the President's Advisory Panel submitted drastic recommendations today that would add new burdens to families already suffering under the weight of record high energy prices. "This is a cruel, heartless proposal that will pull the crutches out from under people already crippled by debt and high prices" said Congressman...
(and so on, and so on, blah, blah, blah)
So I'm bringing this all up is because of a story that ran in the local paper today. Now remember, I live in Northern California and I know things are a little bit different out here, but still when I read this even I had to do a doubletake. It was a story about tax reform and how the mortgage intererst will affect homeowners here in the Santa Clara Valley. The reporter, wanting to get the reaction from the man in the street, went out to interview a typical Santa Clara Valley homeowner and document his suffering and pain. Nothing unusual in that, so let me just quote the article for you (it's from the November 2, 2005 edition of the San Jose Murky News)
"We may have to downsize,'' said Anthony Dominguez, 35, a program coordinator with the Santa Clara County Probation Department, who bought a $1.2 million house with a $960,000 mortgage in June in Gilroy. ``I don't think it's fair.''
Geez, times are tough, aren't they? Especially for us middle class Americans. Do you think the panel considered this guy's pain when they drew up the proposal? Nah, of course not. Do you think they considered the plight of we Northern Californians, living paycheck to paycheck and struggling to make the payments on our $960,000.00 mortgages. Hah, they don't care about the working man.
Yes, I was deeply saddened by this news, but if I one word of advice to offer Mr. Dominguez, one word of solace and comfort, it would be this: Don't worry, Mr. Dominguez, we Americans are a just and proud people, and believe me, this mortgage interest rate cap hasn't got a snowball's chance in hell of making it through Congress. Because you see, Mr. Dominguez, Americans, and by that I mean real Americans, would rather see innocent babies thrown from planes than lose their tax deductions. Trust me on this - there will be a happy ending.
In fact I can almost see it in my mind. Let's see...yes, that's it...slowly the picture comes into focus ... It's my neighbors, standing out in front of their house. There's mom and dad and the three kids all gathered around and dad's holding a newspaper with a headline that reads "TAX REFORM PROPOSALS REJECTED BY SENTATE". Dad is smiling, mom has a look of heartfelt relief on her face, and the son, with a tear of joy running down his cheek turns and asks
"Dad, does this mean I can keep the Lexus?"
"Yes, son, we can all keep our Lexus' ."
And then everyone starts to laugh and the camera zooms out and we see the sun shining and the birds singing, we see lawns being watered and a paperboy on his route, and all is right in Northern California. It's a new day and no one can take away our tax deductions ever again.
Not that I want to be a gossip or anything, but I've got to talk a little bit about the people next door. Nice people, really, with a Mom and a Dad, two high school aged daughters , a high school aged son, a dog, a boat, and...
five cars parked in the driveway and out in the street.
Yep, you heard me right - five people and five different cars. Let's see, there's the one daughter's Scion TC (I think that's what it is), there's the other daughters little Toyota something or other (can you tell I'm not a car guy), and the son's sporty little Lexus thingy (the one with the mega stereo that he's so keen to show off at 2:00 in the morning), the Mom's fancy-dancy Lexus LS something or other ( I think), and of course Dad's Supersized Lexus SUV which sits so proundly in their driveway and casts long shadows over the sun-starved yards of his neighbors. Yep, 5 cars in all, and that doesn't include the Toyota Avalon which shows up every now and then. I'm not sure who that belongs to - it might be the dog's.
So why do I bring all this up? What do you care what kind of cars my neighbors drive or if they park them all over the street? Hmmm, come to think of it you probably don't care so let me change the subject.
Have you heard about these new tax reform proposals that are making their way towards our nation's capital? You must of heard about them. After many months of hard work, a bipartisan group of former Senators, Congressmen, lawyers, professors, economists and financial professionals known collectively as the President's Advisory Panel on Federal Tax Reform has issued a report outlining a set of revenue neutral options for reforming the nation's complex tax code. Among it's many recommendations it calls for a general reduction in tax rates, the elimination of certain deductions, and new incentives for savings and investment.
So far, so good, right? What's not to like? Everyone agrees our tax codes need simplification so this should be a slam dunk, right? Of course, and that's why it will sail through Congress with nary a word of dissent, right? Sure, no problem.
Which brings me to that sacredest of all American cows - the mortgage interest write off. For those of you who don't itemize I should probably explain. According to the Panel, about 30% of American taxpayers currently deduct their mortgage interest payments from their taxes, which means the other 70% don't. Now what the Panel is proposing is a cap on the amount of mortgage interest that can be deducted, a cap that the Panel estimates would affect just 5% of taxpayers, which means it would not affect the other 95%. Of course the media, thumbing through 300 or so pages of the report was quick to pick up on this little detail, and to their credit they all listened patiently as the Panel explained that the proposals were meant to be revenue neutral and that taxpayers would see tax reductions in other areas, including the elimination of the Alternative Minium Tax. And so the media, with great thoroughness and careful weighing of the facts, not wanting to appear reactionary or alarmist, reported these proposals in their usual fair and balanced fashion.
PRESIDENT WANTS TO SLASH INTEREST RATE DEDUCTION FOR MIDDLE CLASS HOMEOWNERS!!!
(Washington D.C) In a move designed to leave millions of middle class Americans destitute and homeless, the President's Advisory Panel submitted drastic recommendations today that would add new burdens to families already suffering under the weight of record high energy prices. "This is a cruel, heartless proposal that will pull the crutches out from under people already crippled by debt and high prices" said Congressman...
(and so on, and so on, blah, blah, blah)
So I'm bringing this all up is because of a story that ran in the local paper today. Now remember, I live in Northern California and I know things are a little bit different out here, but still when I read this even I had to do a doubletake. It was a story about tax reform and how the mortgage intererst will affect homeowners here in the Santa Clara Valley. The reporter, wanting to get the reaction from the man in the street, went out to interview a typical Santa Clara Valley homeowner and document his suffering and pain. Nothing unusual in that, so let me just quote the article for you (it's from the November 2, 2005 edition of the San Jose Murky News)
"We may have to downsize,'' said Anthony Dominguez, 35, a program coordinator with the Santa Clara County Probation Department, who bought a $1.2 million house with a $960,000 mortgage in June in Gilroy. ``I don't think it's fair.''
Geez, times are tough, aren't they? Especially for us middle class Americans. Do you think the panel considered this guy's pain when they drew up the proposal? Nah, of course not. Do you think they considered the plight of we Northern Californians, living paycheck to paycheck and struggling to make the payments on our $960,000.00 mortgages. Hah, they don't care about the working man.
Yes, I was deeply saddened by this news, but if I one word of advice to offer Mr. Dominguez, one word of solace and comfort, it would be this: Don't worry, Mr. Dominguez, we Americans are a just and proud people, and believe me, this mortgage interest rate cap hasn't got a snowball's chance in hell of making it through Congress. Because you see, Mr. Dominguez, Americans, and by that I mean real Americans, would rather see innocent babies thrown from planes than lose their tax deductions. Trust me on this - there will be a happy ending.
In fact I can almost see it in my mind. Let's see...yes, that's it...slowly the picture comes into focus ... It's my neighbors, standing out in front of their house. There's mom and dad and the three kids all gathered around and dad's holding a newspaper with a headline that reads "TAX REFORM PROPOSALS REJECTED BY SENTATE". Dad is smiling, mom has a look of heartfelt relief on her face, and the son, with a tear of joy running down his cheek turns and asks
"Dad, does this mean I can keep the Lexus?"
"Yes, son, we can all keep our Lexus' ."
And then everyone starts to laugh and the camera zooms out and we see the sun shining and the birds singing, we see lawns being watered and a paperboy on his route, and all is right in Northern California. It's a new day and no one can take away our tax deductions ever again.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
The Bad, The Good, And The Ugly
"Are you my...conscience?"
"Suprised?"
"Well, yes I am. Frankly I was expecting someone a little bit..."
"Older? A white-haired old man in flowing robes or something like that?"
"Yeah, something like that. But you're so young. I mean, you're just a child. How old are you anyways?"
"Old enough to know right from wrong. Don't feel bad - everyone expects their conscience to be old and wise, not some naive little kid just trying to fumble his way through."
"Yeah, it is quite a shock."
"What can I do for you? Is there something you wanted to ask me?"
"I don't know. I wasn't expecting to talk to a kid..."
"Oh, come, come - I know all y0ur secrets you know. Nothing you can say will suprise me."
"All my secrets?"
"All your secrets. All y0ur lies, all your forgetfulness', all your thoughtlessness', everything."
"Hey look - I think I've led a pretty decent life."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Give me one example of something I did that I should be ashamed of."
"Just ONE thing?"
"Yeah. Sure I might of told a white lie or two along the way, and maybe I forgot a birthday, but name me one thing that I should really be ashamed of."
"Ok, let's see...I know. How about back in the 6th grade. Remember Miss Z's class?"
"Sure I remember. I was a great student - model student really. A fine example for others to follow."
"Oh really. Do you think that's how Miss Z saw it? Is that why she had that talk with your father at the Parent-Teacher night? Remember what happened then?"
"You mean how my Dad grounded me for a month and made me read that 600 page astronomy book from cover to cover before he would allow me to watch TV again? You mean how he actually went through the book and tested me on it to make sure I read it? You mean how he came home from that meeting and sent me straight to my room and gave me that 'I've just had a talk with Miss Z and let me tell you there are going to be some changes around here' speech. Is that what you're talking about?"
"Doesn't sound like you were the model student to me."
"Well, ok, Maybe I was a little...you know...precocious."
"Do you remember why she had that talk with your Dad?"
"No, I never did find out what she told him. It was probably a big fuss over nothing. You know how Miss Z was. But I remember thinking at the time that it probably had something to with the flies in the overhead projector."
"The flies?"
"Yeah, a harmless prank. Don't you remember? Sheesh, some conscience you are. "
"Refresh my memory."
"Well, you see, the school I went to was a little overcrowded so the District brought in some portable classrooms. Miss Z's class was in one of the portables and I remember those things used to be ice cold in the mornings before class started. Anyways, the janitor would always let the kids in a little early so that he could go in and get the heater started before class began, and every morning when we walked in there would be hundreds and hundreds of these groggy little flies all stuck to the walls waiting for the heat to start so they could warm up their engines, so to speak, and get on with their little fly lives. So me and my friends would walk into the classroom and see these flies and we would start catching 'em - which was easy to do because they could barely even get their wings started when it was cold like that. I mean with one swipe of the hand you could catch like 10 or 15 flies at a time, easy. "
"And Miss Z didn't want you catching flies?"
"No, Miss Z didn't get in until the class was ready to start, which was about 10 minutes or so after the janitor used to let us in. No, what happened was one day I thought it would be really cool to catch a bunch of flies and throw them into the overhead projector."
"Why?"
"Well, you see, I thought it would be funny 'cause (I thought) when Miss Z turned on the overhead projector to show one of her little diagrams then the projector would light up and you would see all these flies crawling around the screen. At least that's what I thought would happen."
"And?"
"Well, I caught a bunch of flies - I don't know how many, a hundred, maybe more, and I put 'em into the overhead projector. You know it had this little panel that you would swing open so that you could change the light or whatever, and I caught all these flies and put them inside through the little panel."
"Yeah, I get you. Then what happened?"
"Well, the class got started and it was pretty boring as usual, and then around 2 hours into the class she wheeled up the overhead projector so that she could show these little charts she had drawn up. Miss Z was always one for showing little charts. Anyways, she plugged in the projector and I started laughing to myself because I knew that she was going to turn it on and everyone was going to see all these bugs crawling around on the screen and, I don't know, maybe Miss Z would let out a shriek or something. I didn't really know what was going to happen but I was sure it was going to be entertaining."
"I see."
"Look, I'll be the first to admit I was never the brightest kid in school. I mean I wasn't dumb but I certainly wasn't no scientist either, and I certainly didn't understand optics, or focal points or anything like that."
"So Miss Z turned on the overhead projector and..."
"Nothing happened. Nothing you could see anyways. I mean the flies were in there but they were so out of focus that you couldn't even see them. The prank was a total failure."
"So why did Miss Z talk to your father about it?"
"I don't know if she did or not, I just think she did. Anyways, you couldn't see the flies but they were in there and that overhead projector started getting really hot. And as it got hotter and hotter those flies started getting really agitated and flying around and bumping into things. And there was an exhaust fan on the projector, you see, and so there was this natural air current that ran through the little chamber where all the flies were. And the flies must of got wind of that current, so to speak, and all the while it was just getting hotter and hotter inside and so naturally the flies tried to follow that current out of there and flew straight into the fan. Like I said, I put a lot of flies in there and with all of them flying into the fan like that, well, pretty soon the fan started to get a little gummy with all the dead flies and fly pieces and such, and finally the fan got so gummy that it wouldn't turn anymore. So the fan got stuck and when that happened the light went out and the projector stopped working. It was some sort of safety feature I guess."
"And?"
"And, so Miss Z sees the projector stop and she figures that the light bulb must be burnt out or something. So she goes back to the projector and opens the little panel and..."
"Don't tell me."
"Yeah, it was a massacre in there. It looked the Little Big Horn of flies, corpses and little fly pieces lying everywhere, and only a handful of survivors buzzing around or dragging their crippled bodies across the bottom of the projector. It was a somber scene, man, and then Miss Z stands up and says 'What's going on around here?', so of course L.R., one of the other kids in the class, stands up says he saw me do it. Geez, what a little suck-up that kid was. Teacher's Pet, you know the type."
"And then what happened?"
"Nothing. I just told Miss Z I didn't do it and she couldn't prove I did, but I don't think she believed me."
"So let me get this straight. You tortured and maimed these poor little animals and then you lied to the teacher about it?"
"I didn't mean to torture and maim them. I didn't expect them to get all excited and start flying into the fan or anything like that. I'm not some kind of serial killer, for Christ's sake."
"But you did lie to the teacher?"
"Ah, leave me alone will ya."
"But I'm your conscience."
"That's right, I forgot. Yeah, I killed those flies and I lied to the teacher about it, and I'll probably burn in hell for it one day. Happy now?"
"Oh, give me a break. Let's not be overdramatic here, ok? I'm only your conscience, not your judge."
"Pffft, right!"
"No, I'm serious. Sure, I know all the bad things you've done, but remember I also know the good as well."
"Well thank you Mr Conscience, sir. At least I get credit for something around here."
"Of course you do. Remember your friend D back in the 4th grade?"
"Yeah, of course I remember D."
"Remember that day you rescued him from those kids at school."
"I didn't rescue nobody."
"Oh? That's not what I heard. Why don't you tell me about it."
"Nothing to tell. It was in the 4th grade and I was walking from tetherball courts over to the other side of the playground by the backstops when I look over behind one of the classrooms and see a bunch of kids standing around yelling at somebody."
"A bunch of kids? Who were they yelling at?"
"I'm getting to that part. So I walked over there and they're all standing around in a sort of semicircle and calling this kid some name I never heard before. So I walked up a little closer and I see my friend D standing in the middle of all these kids with his back up against the wall of the building and looking like he was gonna bust out crying or something."
"And?"
"And what?"
"And, what did you do?"
"Like I said I didn't do nothing. I just walked past the little semicircle and went up to D to ask him what was going on, only D was so upset that he didn't say anything. Anyways, after I went up to talk to him the crowd sort of broke up, I guess, and everyone just walked away."
"C'mon, there's more to the story than that."
"No, that's all that happened. I swear. Except for later that night when I was riding in the car with my Dad. I remember he had just bought some gas and we were leaving the gas station and I just kept wondering what it was that everyone was yelling at D that day. I mean it was a name I never heard before so I finally decided to ask my Dad what it meant."
"And what did he say?"
"Well, I asked him 'Dad, what's a Jew?', and he told me that it was some kind of religion, you know like some people are Catholics, and some people are Protestants, and some people are Jews.
"So what did you say?"
"I didn't say nothing. I mean, that didn't make any sense to me. At least I couldn't figure out why it would be a bad thing, or why anyone would call someone that. I knew there must be something more to it, something really awful, 'cause you know even the yard duties didn't try to break it up or anything. Usually if the yard duties see someone being harrassed like that they'll do something, but they didn't do anything. So I figured there must be something my Dad wasn't telling me, but I didn't press."
"Well if those kids had started beating him up the yard duties would have done something, wouldn't they?"
"I don't know. I've always wondered that. But as it turns out, they didn't have to do anything. No one got beat up."
"Because you broke it up."
"No, no, no. Look, I just went up to talk to my friend and that sort of broke the mood or something. I don't want to give the impression that I was trying to be some kind of hero or anything. It wasn't like some Hollywood Movie where the good guy gets up in front of the angry mob and stares 'em all down. It wasn't anything like that. It just happened, and then it was over."
"An unintentional good deed, perhaps."
"Yeah, purely unintentional. But I'll always remember that day. I mean, it will always stick in my conscience."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know, it's like people can be ok one-on-one because most times they want to make a good impression, but you get 'em in a crowd like that and it's like they lose all their inhibitions and show their true natures. You know what I mean? People in crowds are different than a person alone. You know, they're more themselves, and that's too bad."
"What do you mean. What's too bad?"
"I mean people are dirty bastards. They try to cover it up, but they're really just dirty bastards."
"Uh-huh, maybe some of 'em are. Anyways, what did you come here to talk to me about?"
"Ah, I don't know. Something's been buggin' me I guess."
"That's what I'm here for. What do you want to tell your conscience?"
"It's this whole war thing. Did you hear the news? 2,000 dead as of yesterday."
"So, what's that got to do with you?"
"You know what we've got? A war of attrition, that's what. It's true, even the generals and politicians say so."
"And what's your point?"
"You see a war of attrition is where you see which side runs out of live bodies first. They kill one of ours and we kill ten of theirs until finally one side or the other runs out of soldiers. It's like a giant spreadsheet where you just keep running the numbers and recalculating your odds and keep the score based on that day's tally of corpses. That's what a war of attrition is."
"I'm listening."
"So I'm asking myself why are we playing this game?"
"To spread democracy in Iraq."
"Oh yeah? Is that why we're doing it? You know I remember 9/11 and I don't remember any cries of "let's democratize Iraq" as the towers of the World Trade Center were coming down. As I remember it all people wanted to do back then was get an army together and go kick sombody's ass."
"So what are you saying? That we're in Iraq for revenge?"
"No, no...maybe...I don't know. I don't think so. You know what I think? I think we're in this war just so that we can feel good about ourselves again."
"Huh?"
"Sure. Nothing makes a person feel higher or mightier than to be engaged in some noble cause. Even if it's not us but someone else doing the sacrificing and dying, it's still ennobling when you can honor someone's who's laid down their life for you. It fills you with pride and purposefulness, you know what I mean. I don't suppose a person ever feels so righteous and moral as when he's honoring the dead."
"You know this isn't the kind of thing you should make light of."
"I'm not making light of it - it's the truth. Soldiers want to be heroes, and good citizens want to honor the dead. Why else would we be so eager to have them die in wars of attrition, if not to have the honor of being appreciative of their sacrifice. Politics aside, when you get down to it that's what most wars are about."
"You're crazy. Look, I may just be your conscience but even I know that without wars there would no means of ending tyranny or fighting injustice. Wars are horrible, but sometimes they're necessary."
"And sometimes wars are necessary because once started, they can't be finished. "
"Sooner or later, all wars come to an end. Anyways, I still don't see what any of this has to do with you."
"I realized when I heard the news about the 2000 deaths that I really don't pay that much attention to this war. I mean I catch it on the news every now and then, but it's not something I think about all that much. Like a lot of people I'm much more concerned about the price of gas or the latest natural disaster. The fact that 3 soldiers died, or 4 or 5 or whatever, doesn't even rate a mention on the front page anymore. It's just a little here, a little there, and slowly the numbers build and build. And yet when it comes time to honor the dead I'm the first to stand up and give out a hearty 'here, here'. What do you think about that? What do you make of a people that are so proud to have their soldiers die, just as long as they don't intrude on their lives or interrupt their primetime schedules?"
"I think it makes them good citizens who support their country."
"Or..."
"Yes?"
"A bunch of dirty bastards."
"Are you my...conscience?"
"Suprised?"
"Well, yes I am. Frankly I was expecting someone a little bit..."
"Older? A white-haired old man in flowing robes or something like that?"
"Yeah, something like that. But you're so young. I mean, you're just a child. How old are you anyways?"
"Old enough to know right from wrong. Don't feel bad - everyone expects their conscience to be old and wise, not some naive little kid just trying to fumble his way through."
"Yeah, it is quite a shock."
"What can I do for you? Is there something you wanted to ask me?"
"I don't know. I wasn't expecting to talk to a kid..."
"Oh, come, come - I know all y0ur secrets you know. Nothing you can say will suprise me."
"All my secrets?"
"All your secrets. All y0ur lies, all your forgetfulness', all your thoughtlessness', everything."
"Hey look - I think I've led a pretty decent life."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Give me one example of something I did that I should be ashamed of."
"Just ONE thing?"
"Yeah. Sure I might of told a white lie or two along the way, and maybe I forgot a birthday, but name me one thing that I should really be ashamed of."
"Ok, let's see...I know. How about back in the 6th grade. Remember Miss Z's class?"
"Sure I remember. I was a great student - model student really. A fine example for others to follow."
"Oh really. Do you think that's how Miss Z saw it? Is that why she had that talk with your father at the Parent-Teacher night? Remember what happened then?"
"You mean how my Dad grounded me for a month and made me read that 600 page astronomy book from cover to cover before he would allow me to watch TV again? You mean how he actually went through the book and tested me on it to make sure I read it? You mean how he came home from that meeting and sent me straight to my room and gave me that 'I've just had a talk with Miss Z and let me tell you there are going to be some changes around here' speech. Is that what you're talking about?"
"Doesn't sound like you were the model student to me."
"Well, ok, Maybe I was a little...you know...precocious."
"Do you remember why she had that talk with your Dad?"
"No, I never did find out what she told him. It was probably a big fuss over nothing. You know how Miss Z was. But I remember thinking at the time that it probably had something to with the flies in the overhead projector."
"The flies?"
"Yeah, a harmless prank. Don't you remember? Sheesh, some conscience you are. "
"Refresh my memory."
"Well, you see, the school I went to was a little overcrowded so the District brought in some portable classrooms. Miss Z's class was in one of the portables and I remember those things used to be ice cold in the mornings before class started. Anyways, the janitor would always let the kids in a little early so that he could go in and get the heater started before class began, and every morning when we walked in there would be hundreds and hundreds of these groggy little flies all stuck to the walls waiting for the heat to start so they could warm up their engines, so to speak, and get on with their little fly lives. So me and my friends would walk into the classroom and see these flies and we would start catching 'em - which was easy to do because they could barely even get their wings started when it was cold like that. I mean with one swipe of the hand you could catch like 10 or 15 flies at a time, easy. "
"And Miss Z didn't want you catching flies?"
"No, Miss Z didn't get in until the class was ready to start, which was about 10 minutes or so after the janitor used to let us in. No, what happened was one day I thought it would be really cool to catch a bunch of flies and throw them into the overhead projector."
"Why?"
"Well, you see, I thought it would be funny 'cause (I thought) when Miss Z turned on the overhead projector to show one of her little diagrams then the projector would light up and you would see all these flies crawling around the screen. At least that's what I thought would happen."
"And?"
"Well, I caught a bunch of flies - I don't know how many, a hundred, maybe more, and I put 'em into the overhead projector. You know it had this little panel that you would swing open so that you could change the light or whatever, and I caught all these flies and put them inside through the little panel."
"Yeah, I get you. Then what happened?"
"Well, the class got started and it was pretty boring as usual, and then around 2 hours into the class she wheeled up the overhead projector so that she could show these little charts she had drawn up. Miss Z was always one for showing little charts. Anyways, she plugged in the projector and I started laughing to myself because I knew that she was going to turn it on and everyone was going to see all these bugs crawling around on the screen and, I don't know, maybe Miss Z would let out a shriek or something. I didn't really know what was going to happen but I was sure it was going to be entertaining."
"I see."
"Look, I'll be the first to admit I was never the brightest kid in school. I mean I wasn't dumb but I certainly wasn't no scientist either, and I certainly didn't understand optics, or focal points or anything like that."
"So Miss Z turned on the overhead projector and..."
"Nothing happened. Nothing you could see anyways. I mean the flies were in there but they were so out of focus that you couldn't even see them. The prank was a total failure."
"So why did Miss Z talk to your father about it?"
"I don't know if she did or not, I just think she did. Anyways, you couldn't see the flies but they were in there and that overhead projector started getting really hot. And as it got hotter and hotter those flies started getting really agitated and flying around and bumping into things. And there was an exhaust fan on the projector, you see, and so there was this natural air current that ran through the little chamber where all the flies were. And the flies must of got wind of that current, so to speak, and all the while it was just getting hotter and hotter inside and so naturally the flies tried to follow that current out of there and flew straight into the fan. Like I said, I put a lot of flies in there and with all of them flying into the fan like that, well, pretty soon the fan started to get a little gummy with all the dead flies and fly pieces and such, and finally the fan got so gummy that it wouldn't turn anymore. So the fan got stuck and when that happened the light went out and the projector stopped working. It was some sort of safety feature I guess."
"And?"
"And, so Miss Z sees the projector stop and she figures that the light bulb must be burnt out or something. So she goes back to the projector and opens the little panel and..."
"Don't tell me."
"Yeah, it was a massacre in there. It looked the Little Big Horn of flies, corpses and little fly pieces lying everywhere, and only a handful of survivors buzzing around or dragging their crippled bodies across the bottom of the projector. It was a somber scene, man, and then Miss Z stands up and says 'What's going on around here?', so of course L.R., one of the other kids in the class, stands up says he saw me do it. Geez, what a little suck-up that kid was. Teacher's Pet, you know the type."
"And then what happened?"
"Nothing. I just told Miss Z I didn't do it and she couldn't prove I did, but I don't think she believed me."
"So let me get this straight. You tortured and maimed these poor little animals and then you lied to the teacher about it?"
"I didn't mean to torture and maim them. I didn't expect them to get all excited and start flying into the fan or anything like that. I'm not some kind of serial killer, for Christ's sake."
"But you did lie to the teacher?"
"Ah, leave me alone will ya."
"But I'm your conscience."
"That's right, I forgot. Yeah, I killed those flies and I lied to the teacher about it, and I'll probably burn in hell for it one day. Happy now?"
"Oh, give me a break. Let's not be overdramatic here, ok? I'm only your conscience, not your judge."
"Pffft, right!"
"No, I'm serious. Sure, I know all the bad things you've done, but remember I also know the good as well."
"Well thank you Mr Conscience, sir. At least I get credit for something around here."
"Of course you do. Remember your friend D back in the 4th grade?"
"Yeah, of course I remember D."
"Remember that day you rescued him from those kids at school."
"I didn't rescue nobody."
"Oh? That's not what I heard. Why don't you tell me about it."
"Nothing to tell. It was in the 4th grade and I was walking from tetherball courts over to the other side of the playground by the backstops when I look over behind one of the classrooms and see a bunch of kids standing around yelling at somebody."
"A bunch of kids? Who were they yelling at?"
"I'm getting to that part. So I walked over there and they're all standing around in a sort of semicircle and calling this kid some name I never heard before. So I walked up a little closer and I see my friend D standing in the middle of all these kids with his back up against the wall of the building and looking like he was gonna bust out crying or something."
"And?"
"And what?"
"And, what did you do?"
"Like I said I didn't do nothing. I just walked past the little semicircle and went up to D to ask him what was going on, only D was so upset that he didn't say anything. Anyways, after I went up to talk to him the crowd sort of broke up, I guess, and everyone just walked away."
"C'mon, there's more to the story than that."
"No, that's all that happened. I swear. Except for later that night when I was riding in the car with my Dad. I remember he had just bought some gas and we were leaving the gas station and I just kept wondering what it was that everyone was yelling at D that day. I mean it was a name I never heard before so I finally decided to ask my Dad what it meant."
"And what did he say?"
"Well, I asked him 'Dad, what's a Jew?', and he told me that it was some kind of religion, you know like some people are Catholics, and some people are Protestants, and some people are Jews.
"So what did you say?"
"I didn't say nothing. I mean, that didn't make any sense to me. At least I couldn't figure out why it would be a bad thing, or why anyone would call someone that. I knew there must be something more to it, something really awful, 'cause you know even the yard duties didn't try to break it up or anything. Usually if the yard duties see someone being harrassed like that they'll do something, but they didn't do anything. So I figured there must be something my Dad wasn't telling me, but I didn't press."
"Well if those kids had started beating him up the yard duties would have done something, wouldn't they?"
"I don't know. I've always wondered that. But as it turns out, they didn't have to do anything. No one got beat up."
"Because you broke it up."
"No, no, no. Look, I just went up to talk to my friend and that sort of broke the mood or something. I don't want to give the impression that I was trying to be some kind of hero or anything. It wasn't like some Hollywood Movie where the good guy gets up in front of the angry mob and stares 'em all down. It wasn't anything like that. It just happened, and then it was over."
"An unintentional good deed, perhaps."
"Yeah, purely unintentional. But I'll always remember that day. I mean, it will always stick in my conscience."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know, it's like people can be ok one-on-one because most times they want to make a good impression, but you get 'em in a crowd like that and it's like they lose all their inhibitions and show their true natures. You know what I mean? People in crowds are different than a person alone. You know, they're more themselves, and that's too bad."
"What do you mean. What's too bad?"
"I mean people are dirty bastards. They try to cover it up, but they're really just dirty bastards."
"Uh-huh, maybe some of 'em are. Anyways, what did you come here to talk to me about?"
"Ah, I don't know. Something's been buggin' me I guess."
"That's what I'm here for. What do you want to tell your conscience?"
"It's this whole war thing. Did you hear the news? 2,000 dead as of yesterday."
"So, what's that got to do with you?"
"You know what we've got? A war of attrition, that's what. It's true, even the generals and politicians say so."
"And what's your point?"
"You see a war of attrition is where you see which side runs out of live bodies first. They kill one of ours and we kill ten of theirs until finally one side or the other runs out of soldiers. It's like a giant spreadsheet where you just keep running the numbers and recalculating your odds and keep the score based on that day's tally of corpses. That's what a war of attrition is."
"I'm listening."
"So I'm asking myself why are we playing this game?"
"To spread democracy in Iraq."
"Oh yeah? Is that why we're doing it? You know I remember 9/11 and I don't remember any cries of "let's democratize Iraq" as the towers of the World Trade Center were coming down. As I remember it all people wanted to do back then was get an army together and go kick sombody's ass."
"So what are you saying? That we're in Iraq for revenge?"
"No, no...maybe...I don't know. I don't think so. You know what I think? I think we're in this war just so that we can feel good about ourselves again."
"Huh?"
"Sure. Nothing makes a person feel higher or mightier than to be engaged in some noble cause. Even if it's not us but someone else doing the sacrificing and dying, it's still ennobling when you can honor someone's who's laid down their life for you. It fills you with pride and purposefulness, you know what I mean. I don't suppose a person ever feels so righteous and moral as when he's honoring the dead."
"You know this isn't the kind of thing you should make light of."
"I'm not making light of it - it's the truth. Soldiers want to be heroes, and good citizens want to honor the dead. Why else would we be so eager to have them die in wars of attrition, if not to have the honor of being appreciative of their sacrifice. Politics aside, when you get down to it that's what most wars are about."
"You're crazy. Look, I may just be your conscience but even I know that without wars there would no means of ending tyranny or fighting injustice. Wars are horrible, but sometimes they're necessary."
"And sometimes wars are necessary because once started, they can't be finished. "
"Sooner or later, all wars come to an end. Anyways, I still don't see what any of this has to do with you."
"I realized when I heard the news about the 2000 deaths that I really don't pay that much attention to this war. I mean I catch it on the news every now and then, but it's not something I think about all that much. Like a lot of people I'm much more concerned about the price of gas or the latest natural disaster. The fact that 3 soldiers died, or 4 or 5 or whatever, doesn't even rate a mention on the front page anymore. It's just a little here, a little there, and slowly the numbers build and build. And yet when it comes time to honor the dead I'm the first to stand up and give out a hearty 'here, here'. What do you think about that? What do you make of a people that are so proud to have their soldiers die, just as long as they don't intrude on their lives or interrupt their primetime schedules?"
"I think it makes them good citizens who support their country."
"Or..."
"Yes?"
"A bunch of dirty bastards."
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Just Notes To Myself On The End Of TV As We Know It
The one good thing about soaring energy prices is that it forces people to reexamine their budgets and trim a little of the fat that they've built up over the years. I know that's what I've been doing and it's been a little bit of a blessing in disguise discovering all the money I've been wasting on things that I hardly ever use.
Like Satellite TV.
I spend way too much money for Satellite TV and premium channels that I hardly ever watch, so it's nice to have an excuse to finally cut the cord and jettison all that excess baggage. Goodbye HBO, goodbye STARZ, goodbye Showtime...goodbye to the same ol' crap month after month. Which has got me to thinking about this "new media" thing again.
That's because ridding myself of all that "old media" content was, suprisingly, really pretty painless. To tell the truth, since cancelling I've been so busy listening to podcasts and reading ebooks and surfing the internet that I haven't hardly noticed that I don't have HBO or Showtime anymore. And now that Apple has announced that they're getting into the video content delivery business, I have to wonder if I really need TV at all. After all, if I can download the content I want off the internet and watch it on my schedule then why should I pay a satellite or cable company 'X' dollars a month to stream it to my home at a date and time that's convenient for them?
Hmmm....
Maybe we should backtrack a little. First of all, as any geek can tell you video content on the internet is nothing new, and the new IPod is hardly the first portable video device to come down the pike. Sheesh, we Pocket PC users have had portable video devices for years, and have been ripping and downloading and transcoding quite happily without any help from Apple, thank you very much. What we've always lacked, however, is an easy, one-stop source for video like the Itunes Music Store. Now Apple is going to change all that by making downloading and watching video pushbutton simple.
For a price, of course.
So what does it all mean? Am I going to pay $1.99 to download the latest episode of "Lost Housewives" (or whatever it's called)? Well, no, I'm not. First of all I'm not interested in watching "Lost Housewives" and second, even if I was interested, all I'd have to do is TIVO it. So why pay the 2 bucks? Now I admit I'm not the typical TV watcher and there are probably billions of people out there who would live idle, empty lives were it not for the "Lost Houswives" show, but are they going to pay 2 bucks a pop to download it or are they just going to watch it for free on TV? I don't have a clue, but my guess is that they'll go the cheaper route.
But there's another way of looking at this. What about video c0ntent that you can't get on TV? Would people be interested in original programming created only for the internet?
There's a show called "Digital Life TV" that I like and which is currently available only as an internet download. It's a pretty geeky show and probably not everyone's cup of tea - that is, unless they're fascinated by video card framerates and HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray debates (like I said, I'm not the typical TV viewer), and to get it you have to go to the Digital Life TV website and pick through a list of episodes and video formats and choose the one you're interested in and a format that's compatible with your system and then either stream it or download it to watch on your computer or transfer to some kind of portable device. It's not as complicated as it sounds but the producers do assume that the viewer is going to know the difference between Windows Media, Quicktime H.264, Mpeg 4 and Xvid, and truth be told anyone who doesn't know the difference probably isn't going to be very interested in the show in the first place.
Anyways, I like the show and I think a lot of other people would like it too if only they could find it and watch it. But in order for that to happen there needs to be a central location, a store perhaps, where lots of different shows would be offered for download and where they all would be in the same format and guaranteed to run on store-branded playback devices. A place like, oh, the Itunes Music Store, where all the viewer has to do is click on a button and the computer takes care of the rest. And more importantly (from my point of view at least), a place where Digital Life TV could gain access to a much larger pool of potential viewers while, in turn, viewers could gain access to programming that they couldn't get anywhere else. To me, that's what the video portion of the "new media" is really all about, not day-old reruns of network TV.
But would I pay 2 bucks a pop for Digital Life TV? Yeah, come to think of it I probably would, although I'd still like to be able to watch it on my Pocket PC. I don't know how they could make that happen, but you know this portable video thing has some potential. And the best part is that we're still so early in the process. I don't if this is the future of TV, but I tell ya', if I was in the TV business I wouldn't be feeling too smug and complacent right now. Not when there are so many smart people out there figuring this whole thing out.
The one good thing about soaring energy prices is that it forces people to reexamine their budgets and trim a little of the fat that they've built up over the years. I know that's what I've been doing and it's been a little bit of a blessing in disguise discovering all the money I've been wasting on things that I hardly ever use.
Like Satellite TV.
I spend way too much money for Satellite TV and premium channels that I hardly ever watch, so it's nice to have an excuse to finally cut the cord and jettison all that excess baggage. Goodbye HBO, goodbye STARZ, goodbye Showtime...goodbye to the same ol' crap month after month. Which has got me to thinking about this "new media" thing again.
That's because ridding myself of all that "old media" content was, suprisingly, really pretty painless. To tell the truth, since cancelling I've been so busy listening to podcasts and reading ebooks and surfing the internet that I haven't hardly noticed that I don't have HBO or Showtime anymore. And now that Apple has announced that they're getting into the video content delivery business, I have to wonder if I really need TV at all. After all, if I can download the content I want off the internet and watch it on my schedule then why should I pay a satellite or cable company 'X' dollars a month to stream it to my home at a date and time that's convenient for them?
Hmmm....
Maybe we should backtrack a little. First of all, as any geek can tell you video content on the internet is nothing new, and the new IPod is hardly the first portable video device to come down the pike. Sheesh, we Pocket PC users have had portable video devices for years, and have been ripping and downloading and transcoding quite happily without any help from Apple, thank you very much. What we've always lacked, however, is an easy, one-stop source for video like the Itunes Music Store. Now Apple is going to change all that by making downloading and watching video pushbutton simple.
For a price, of course.
So what does it all mean? Am I going to pay $1.99 to download the latest episode of "Lost Housewives" (or whatever it's called)? Well, no, I'm not. First of all I'm not interested in watching "Lost Housewives" and second, even if I was interested, all I'd have to do is TIVO it. So why pay the 2 bucks? Now I admit I'm not the typical TV watcher and there are probably billions of people out there who would live idle, empty lives were it not for the "Lost Houswives" show, but are they going to pay 2 bucks a pop to download it or are they just going to watch it for free on TV? I don't have a clue, but my guess is that they'll go the cheaper route.
But there's another way of looking at this. What about video c0ntent that you can't get on TV? Would people be interested in original programming created only for the internet?
There's a show called "Digital Life TV" that I like and which is currently available only as an internet download. It's a pretty geeky show and probably not everyone's cup of tea - that is, unless they're fascinated by video card framerates and HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray debates (like I said, I'm not the typical TV viewer), and to get it you have to go to the Digital Life TV website and pick through a list of episodes and video formats and choose the one you're interested in and a format that's compatible with your system and then either stream it or download it to watch on your computer or transfer to some kind of portable device. It's not as complicated as it sounds but the producers do assume that the viewer is going to know the difference between Windows Media, Quicktime H.264, Mpeg 4 and Xvid, and truth be told anyone who doesn't know the difference probably isn't going to be very interested in the show in the first place.
Anyways, I like the show and I think a lot of other people would like it too if only they could find it and watch it. But in order for that to happen there needs to be a central location, a store perhaps, where lots of different shows would be offered for download and where they all would be in the same format and guaranteed to run on store-branded playback devices. A place like, oh, the Itunes Music Store, where all the viewer has to do is click on a button and the computer takes care of the rest. And more importantly (from my point of view at least), a place where Digital Life TV could gain access to a much larger pool of potential viewers while, in turn, viewers could gain access to programming that they couldn't get anywhere else. To me, that's what the video portion of the "new media" is really all about, not day-old reruns of network TV.
But would I pay 2 bucks a pop for Digital Life TV? Yeah, come to think of it I probably would, although I'd still like to be able to watch it on my Pocket PC. I don't know how they could make that happen, but you know this portable video thing has some potential. And the best part is that we're still so early in the process. I don't if this is the future of TV, but I tell ya', if I was in the TV business I wouldn't be feeling too smug and complacent right now. Not when there are so many smart people out there figuring this whole thing out.
Monday, October 17, 2005
They Grow Up So Fast
It's no secret that Barbie is in trouble. Sales are down and it seems like little girls just aren't as taken with the young Miss' as they used to be. I think maybe it's time to update the franchise and bring Barbie into the modern world, don't you? After all, what the young girls of today need is a plastic doll they can relate to, a doll more in tune with the 21st century. Here are a few of my suggestions to freshen up the franchise and make Barbie more compatible with today's young bobby-soxers.
1. The Barbie Tattoo Kit - Battery operated power supply and all the needles and inks your little 7 year old will need to adorn her Barbie with the latest tattoo styles. Also includes basic rose, skull, and barbwire templates that she'll need to get started, with an easy-to-follow booklet to illustrate more advanced designs she can make on her own. Imagine the fun you'll have as you help your daughter find just the right tattoo for her new Barbie, and then discuss the type of tattoo she might want to get when she gets when she becomes a teenager. Completely safe and non-toxic.
2. The Barbie Body Piercing Kit - Includes pliers, rings, piercing needles, antiseptic towelettes and special Barbie edition body jewlery. A perfect introduction to the ancient to the ancient art of body piercing. You'll be amazed as she pierces parts of Barbies body that you never imagined could be pierced. Nose, tongue, navel, kneecaps - the possiblities are endless. A special bargain when purchased with the Barbie Tattoo Kit.
3. The Barbie "Let's Hang Out at the Mall" Kit - Includes Barbie cellphone, Barbie credit card and Ammonia Inhalants. Hours and hours of endless fun as Barbie hangs out at the mall, flirts with the boys, SMS's her friends and shops for all the latest fashions. A perfect way to introduce young girls to the busy world of commerce, dating and multitasking. Ammonia Inhalants provided to revive the parents when they receive the end-of-the-month bills.
4. The Barbie Cosmetic Surgery Kit - Watch your daughter explore with this collection of syringes, scalpels, Botox, Collagen, Lyposuction machine and body enhancing implants. Thrill as she mixes and matches, adds and subtracts, and creates the perfect Barbie. (Note: This kit is automatically included with special "California" edition Barbies. Available separately on all other models).
Well, that's all I can think of right now, although I'm sure you can think of a few more. But hey, here's an idea. How about a replacement for that old G.I. Joe doll? You know the doll that's made for little boys. Personally, I never played with dolls when I was a kid, but I know that some boys do so why not an updated model for them too. We can call it the "Gameboy Jim" and it would be really simple. Just a male doll dressed in a dirty T-shirt and jeans, and the box would include a little toy TV, and a little toy game console and controller, and a little toy couch. Of course, the doll wouldn't do anything - it wouldn't even have to move. All it would have to do is sit there on the couch with it's hands wrapped around the controller while it stares at the TV. Yes, that's a great idea. I bet there isn't a young boy in the entire country who couldn't relate to that.
I really ought to be in marketing.
It's no secret that Barbie is in trouble. Sales are down and it seems like little girls just aren't as taken with the young Miss' as they used to be. I think maybe it's time to update the franchise and bring Barbie into the modern world, don't you? After all, what the young girls of today need is a plastic doll they can relate to, a doll more in tune with the 21st century. Here are a few of my suggestions to freshen up the franchise and make Barbie more compatible with today's young bobby-soxers.
1. The Barbie Tattoo Kit - Battery operated power supply and all the needles and inks your little 7 year old will need to adorn her Barbie with the latest tattoo styles. Also includes basic rose, skull, and barbwire templates that she'll need to get started, with an easy-to-follow booklet to illustrate more advanced designs she can make on her own. Imagine the fun you'll have as you help your daughter find just the right tattoo for her new Barbie, and then discuss the type of tattoo she might want to get when she gets when she becomes a teenager. Completely safe and non-toxic.
2. The Barbie Body Piercing Kit - Includes pliers, rings, piercing needles, antiseptic towelettes and special Barbie edition body jewlery. A perfect introduction to the ancient to the ancient art of body piercing. You'll be amazed as she pierces parts of Barbies body that you never imagined could be pierced. Nose, tongue, navel, kneecaps - the possiblities are endless. A special bargain when purchased with the Barbie Tattoo Kit.
3. The Barbie "Let's Hang Out at the Mall" Kit - Includes Barbie cellphone, Barbie credit card and Ammonia Inhalants. Hours and hours of endless fun as Barbie hangs out at the mall, flirts with the boys, SMS's her friends and shops for all the latest fashions. A perfect way to introduce young girls to the busy world of commerce, dating and multitasking. Ammonia Inhalants provided to revive the parents when they receive the end-of-the-month bills.
4. The Barbie Cosmetic Surgery Kit - Watch your daughter explore with this collection of syringes, scalpels, Botox, Collagen, Lyposuction machine and body enhancing implants. Thrill as she mixes and matches, adds and subtracts, and creates the perfect Barbie. (Note: This kit is automatically included with special "California" edition Barbies. Available separately on all other models).
Well, that's all I can think of right now, although I'm sure you can think of a few more. But hey, here's an idea. How about a replacement for that old G.I. Joe doll? You know the doll that's made for little boys. Personally, I never played with dolls when I was a kid, but I know that some boys do so why not an updated model for them too. We can call it the "Gameboy Jim" and it would be really simple. Just a male doll dressed in a dirty T-shirt and jeans, and the box would include a little toy TV, and a little toy game console and controller, and a little toy couch. Of course, the doll wouldn't do anything - it wouldn't even have to move. All it would have to do is sit there on the couch with it's hands wrapped around the controller while it stares at the TV. Yes, that's a great idea. I bet there isn't a young boy in the entire country who couldn't relate to that.
I really ought to be in marketing.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
He Ain't Heavy, He's My (Big) Brother
I warned you about that Stagflation thing, didn't I? Yeah, well, you never listen to me anyways. So here we are a couple of hurricanes later and what do we have - rising prices and a slowing economy, that's what. But I didn't come here to say "I told you so", I came to ask "what can we do about it?"
So here's my solution.
See, I've been thinking on this and trying to figure out what we should do . I mean we've got this souring economy with soaring energy prices, rising credit card delinquency rates, slower than expected job growth (before the hurricanes), and all the rest of it. What should we do? Well, it's obvious isn't it?
We should sell the economy.
I mean let's dump this turkey on some unsuspecting rube and go out and buy ourselves a new one. I was thinking maybe we could put it up on EBay. You know...
For Sale - One National Economy. 229 years old. Mint condition with some minor blemishes (rising prices and shrinking manufacturing base) but otherwise excellent. Secure markets and sound infrastructure an added bonus. Must see!!!
Current Bid $1.00
Sure, that'd sell. I bet we could get 2, maybe 3 trillion dollars for it. Then, once we had the cash we could go out and buy Shanghai or something. Maybe even have a little left over for a nice downpayment on Singapore or Hong Kong. Geez, that'd be a perfect solution.
But then I thought about it some more and and even better idea came to me. Don't sell it on EBay, sell it to Google instead! Sheesh, they can afford it, and as far as I can tell they haven't bought a national economy yet. Yeah, what a great idea, and as luck would have it they just happen to be headquartered right here in Silicon Valley. It would be a breeze for me to just pop on over there and see what they have to say.
So that's what I did.
I got in my car and headed north. You know even though they're right up the road from me in Mt. View I'd never been to the actual Google HQ before, and boy what a treat that was. That beautiful glass building glimmering Ozlike in the California sun...well, words alone can't express the wonder and awe. I parked my car and entered the front lobby where I immediately spotted a sign posted at the front reception desk.
Ezevkedd Jgg, Ezed Google.
Puzzled, I asked the receptionist what the sign said.
"Oh, it is a little strange isn't it?" she said to me.
"Yes it is. I've never seen anything like it."
"Well", she explained, "at Google we discovered that if we're ever going to realize our goal of indexing the entirety of human thought and experience and hyperlink every idea and fact as it exists in the world today, then we would have to come up with some kind of common language to describe it all. You know, a truly international language that would unify all the nationalities and ethnic groups around the globe."
"You mean you invented your own language?"
"Yes...we had to."
"What is this language of yours called?" I asked.
"Why Google, of course. We call it Google, and the founders tell us that someday it will replace all other languages."
"Google? Are you serious? You really expect everyone to drop the language they're currently using and learn Google?"
"Why of course we're serious, and after all when Google becomes the architecture what other choice will they have? There will be only Google, the founders have decreed it. In fact the founders have seen it in a vision. The day will come when we will all be Google, when we will all think Google, when the first words out of a babies mouth won't be Mommy or Dada but..."
"Google?"
"(sigh)"
"Well I'm pretty old-fashioned I guess and I don't speak much Google so would you mind telling me what the sign says. In English, that is."
"Sure. It says 'There are no secrets, there is only Google'."
"No secrets, only Google huh. Sounds a little sinister if you ask me."
"I knew you were going to say that."
"You did?"
"Yes, Mr. Myers, you have no secrets from us."
"Right... No secrets."
"Now I believe you're here to see Mr. Brin, is that right? Something about the national economy?"
"Yes, but how did you..."
"What did I just say. No secrets, Mr. Myers. No secrets."
"Oh yeah, only Google. You know you're starting to scare me."
"Mr. Brin asked me to tell you that he can't see you right now, however he knew you'd be up here to make the offer and he wants you to know that Google is already in prelimary talks with the government about issues which may or may not be related to those which you wish to speak to him about."
"You mean they're really going to do it? Google's going to buy the entire U.S. national economy?"
"..."
"Oh c'mon. You can tell me. Are they really going to buy the whole economy?"
"I'd love to discuss this with you but I'm afraid I can't unless you sign a Non-disclosure Agreement. Of course we knew you were on your way here so we've already got one prepared and ready to go."
"You people are unbelievable. You knew I was coming so you..."
"There are no secrets, only..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let me see that Agreement."
"Oh that won't be necessary. We already know that you'll sign the Agreement, so if you'll just take this pen and sign here."
"You already know I'll sign the Agreement? Well, of all the nerve. You know maybe I don't feel like signing the Agreement. Maybe you people aren't as all-knowing as you think you are. Maybe you can take this Agreement and shove it right up that all-seeing Oracle of yours. Yeah, what do you think about that?"
"You'll sign it."
"Oh yeah, why's that?"
"Because if you don't then this entire post will have been a waste of time."
"How do you work this pen."
"Just twist the end there. That's it. Good. All signed. Now what is it that you want to know?"
"I want to know if Google is really going to buy the United States of America?"
"Actually, it's just the data we want. You know, there is a lot of top secret data that we haven't been able to access yet. The founders feel that by purchasing this country, among others, we'll be able to index that information and add it to our databases and thus extend our reach ever deeper into the lives of every man, woman and child alive in the world today."
"Wait a second. I thought your motto was 'No secrets, only Google'. You mean to tell me that there are databases that you don't have access to?"
"Give us time, Mr. Myers. It's only a matter of time."
"I don't know what to say. Words escape me. I'm...I'm...I'm... so humbled."
"Be at peace, Mr. Myers. Let Google be your light in the darkness."
"I feel so small, so frail somehow. Yes, it's true. You have shown me the way. There is only Google. The one, the only. No secrets, only Google."
"Rest now, my son. Lay down your burden and embrace the kingdom which is Google. Be Google, Live Google, Know Google."
"I feel so safe."
"Google will protect you."
"I feel so strong."
"Let Google be your sword."
"I feel so loved."
Amen
Amen
I warned you about that Stagflation thing, didn't I? Yeah, well, you never listen to me anyways. So here we are a couple of hurricanes later and what do we have - rising prices and a slowing economy, that's what. But I didn't come here to say "I told you so", I came to ask "what can we do about it?"
So here's my solution.
See, I've been thinking on this and trying to figure out what we should do . I mean we've got this souring economy with soaring energy prices, rising credit card delinquency rates, slower than expected job growth (before the hurricanes), and all the rest of it. What should we do? Well, it's obvious isn't it?
We should sell the economy.
I mean let's dump this turkey on some unsuspecting rube and go out and buy ourselves a new one. I was thinking maybe we could put it up on EBay. You know...
For Sale - One National Economy. 229 years old. Mint condition with some minor blemishes (rising prices and shrinking manufacturing base) but otherwise excellent. Secure markets and sound infrastructure an added bonus. Must see!!!
Current Bid $1.00
Sure, that'd sell. I bet we could get 2, maybe 3 trillion dollars for it. Then, once we had the cash we could go out and buy Shanghai or something. Maybe even have a little left over for a nice downpayment on Singapore or Hong Kong. Geez, that'd be a perfect solution.
But then I thought about it some more and and even better idea came to me. Don't sell it on EBay, sell it to Google instead! Sheesh, they can afford it, and as far as I can tell they haven't bought a national economy yet. Yeah, what a great idea, and as luck would have it they just happen to be headquartered right here in Silicon Valley. It would be a breeze for me to just pop on over there and see what they have to say.
So that's what I did.
I got in my car and headed north. You know even though they're right up the road from me in Mt. View I'd never been to the actual Google HQ before, and boy what a treat that was. That beautiful glass building glimmering Ozlike in the California sun...well, words alone can't express the wonder and awe. I parked my car and entered the front lobby where I immediately spotted a sign posted at the front reception desk.
Ezevkedd Jgg, Ezed Google.
Puzzled, I asked the receptionist what the sign said.
"Oh, it is a little strange isn't it?" she said to me.
"Yes it is. I've never seen anything like it."
"Well", she explained, "at Google we discovered that if we're ever going to realize our goal of indexing the entirety of human thought and experience and hyperlink every idea and fact as it exists in the world today, then we would have to come up with some kind of common language to describe it all. You know, a truly international language that would unify all the nationalities and ethnic groups around the globe."
"You mean you invented your own language?"
"Yes...we had to."
"What is this language of yours called?" I asked.
"Why Google, of course. We call it Google, and the founders tell us that someday it will replace all other languages."
"Google? Are you serious? You really expect everyone to drop the language they're currently using and learn Google?"
"Why of course we're serious, and after all when Google becomes the architecture what other choice will they have? There will be only Google, the founders have decreed it. In fact the founders have seen it in a vision. The day will come when we will all be Google, when we will all think Google, when the first words out of a babies mouth won't be Mommy or Dada but..."
"Google?"
"(sigh)"
"Well I'm pretty old-fashioned I guess and I don't speak much Google so would you mind telling me what the sign says. In English, that is."
"Sure. It says 'There are no secrets, there is only Google'."
"No secrets, only Google huh. Sounds a little sinister if you ask me."
"I knew you were going to say that."
"You did?"
"Yes, Mr. Myers, you have no secrets from us."
"Right... No secrets."
"Now I believe you're here to see Mr. Brin, is that right? Something about the national economy?"
"Yes, but how did you..."
"What did I just say. No secrets, Mr. Myers. No secrets."
"Oh yeah, only Google. You know you're starting to scare me."
"Mr. Brin asked me to tell you that he can't see you right now, however he knew you'd be up here to make the offer and he wants you to know that Google is already in prelimary talks with the government about issues which may or may not be related to those which you wish to speak to him about."
"You mean they're really going to do it? Google's going to buy the entire U.S. national economy?"
"..."
"Oh c'mon. You can tell me. Are they really going to buy the whole economy?"
"I'd love to discuss this with you but I'm afraid I can't unless you sign a Non-disclosure Agreement. Of course we knew you were on your way here so we've already got one prepared and ready to go."
"You people are unbelievable. You knew I was coming so you..."
"There are no secrets, only..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let me see that Agreement."
"Oh that won't be necessary. We already know that you'll sign the Agreement, so if you'll just take this pen and sign here."
"You already know I'll sign the Agreement? Well, of all the nerve. You know maybe I don't feel like signing the Agreement. Maybe you people aren't as all-knowing as you think you are. Maybe you can take this Agreement and shove it right up that all-seeing Oracle of yours. Yeah, what do you think about that?"
"You'll sign it."
"Oh yeah, why's that?"
"Because if you don't then this entire post will have been a waste of time."
"How do you work this pen."
"Just twist the end there. That's it. Good. All signed. Now what is it that you want to know?"
"I want to know if Google is really going to buy the United States of America?"
"Actually, it's just the data we want. You know, there is a lot of top secret data that we haven't been able to access yet. The founders feel that by purchasing this country, among others, we'll be able to index that information and add it to our databases and thus extend our reach ever deeper into the lives of every man, woman and child alive in the world today."
"Wait a second. I thought your motto was 'No secrets, only Google'. You mean to tell me that there are databases that you don't have access to?"
"Give us time, Mr. Myers. It's only a matter of time."
"I don't know what to say. Words escape me. I'm...I'm...I'm... so humbled."
"Be at peace, Mr. Myers. Let Google be your light in the darkness."
"I feel so small, so frail somehow. Yes, it's true. You have shown me the way. There is only Google. The one, the only. No secrets, only Google."
"Rest now, my son. Lay down your burden and embrace the kingdom which is Google. Be Google, Live Google, Know Google."
"I feel so safe."
"Google will protect you."
"I feel so strong."
"Let Google be your sword."
"I feel so loved."
Amen
Amen
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I Love You California – This Is Only A Test
Well, this is pretty cool. Blogger now lets you use Microsoft Word instead of their own online editor to compose your posts. So, let’s give it a test.
This is only a test.
Here is your top story for Tuesday, September 20, 2005.
A rare September storm swept into Northern California today dropping rain and triggering lightning strikes and thunder throughout the Bay Area. Responding quickly to the crises, the California Teachers Association immediately released a series of Television ads blaming the storm on Governor Schwarzenegger.
“The Governor continues to attack the children and hardworking people of California” the CTA proclaimed. “He’s trying to use lightning and thunder to frighten the people of this great state, but the people, the police and firefighters, the nurses, and above all the children will show the Governor that we will not be frightened.”
Asked if the CTA believed that the Governor was really behind the freakish weather the CTA responded “Where’s our money!”
In related news, last week in San Diego the Governor announced his reelection bid to an invited crowd of Republican supporters. When told of his announcement the state’s leading democrats burst out in fits of uncontrollable laughter. However, when it was pointed out that the likely Democratic contender would be Phil “dull as dirt” Angelides the mood grew decidedly somber.
“Bill will make a great governor” said State Assembly leader Fabian Nunez. “In his role as State Treasurer he has already shown the kind of leadership that Grey Davis brought to his role as State Controller.” When reminded that the name is “Phil” Angelides, not “Bill” Angelides, Assemblyman Nunez remarked “This is not a time for divisiveness. We must show the people of California that we can put politics aside and deliver on our promise to give the unions of California the kind of government they deserve.”
Asked for their reaction, the CTA responded “Does this mean we get our money?”
Well, this is pretty cool. Blogger now lets you use Microsoft Word instead of their own online editor to compose your posts. So, let’s give it a test.
This is only a test.
Here is your top story for Tuesday, September 20, 2005.
A rare September storm swept into Northern California today dropping rain and triggering lightning strikes and thunder throughout the Bay Area. Responding quickly to the crises, the California Teachers Association immediately released a series of Television ads blaming the storm on Governor Schwarzenegger.
“The Governor continues to attack the children and hardworking people of California” the CTA proclaimed. “He’s trying to use lightning and thunder to frighten the people of this great state, but the people, the police and firefighters, the nurses, and above all the children will show the Governor that we will not be frightened.”
Asked if the CTA believed that the Governor was really behind the freakish weather the CTA responded “Where’s our money!”
In related news, last week in San Diego the Governor announced his reelection bid to an invited crowd of Republican supporters. When told of his announcement the state’s leading democrats burst out in fits of uncontrollable laughter. However, when it was pointed out that the likely Democratic contender would be Phil “dull as dirt” Angelides the mood grew decidedly somber.
“Bill will make a great governor” said State Assembly leader Fabian Nunez. “In his role as State Treasurer he has already shown the kind of leadership that Grey Davis brought to his role as State Controller.” When reminded that the name is “Phil” Angelides, not “Bill” Angelides, Assemblyman Nunez remarked “This is not a time for divisiveness. We must show the people of California that we can put politics aside and deliver on our promise to give the unions of California the kind of government they deserve.”
Asked for their reaction, the CTA responded “Does this mean we get our money?”
Monday, September 19, 2005
Old Man Radio - So Far
So, where was I?
Oh yeah, when last I left you I was posting more useless junk about one thing or another. Let's see, that would have been...
Last month!?
Man, has it been that long? Oh well, truth is I've been busy with my Oldmanradio podcast. I'm up to episode 7 now and things are going a lot better than I could have ever imagined.
Which is a problem.
Regular readers of this blog (alright, alright, don't laugh) may remember that I started this whole podcast thing as sort of a lark. I've always wanted to be a media mogul, you see, and this seemed like an easy way to sort of test the waters and see what kind of a radio show I could come up with. I thought I'd do an episode or two, maybe, and then be done with the whole thing. But then something funny happened...
Two things actually.
1. I found out that podcasting is a lot more fun than I thought it would be. Not that I'm any good at it, mind you. I mean I'm getting better but I don't think that Howard Stern is looking over his shoulder and worrying if that middle-aged japanese guy is gaining on him.
2. I've managed to attract an audience. Not a big audience, not thousands or millions, but an audience just the same. In fact my latest stats show that I've got 162 subscribers to my podcast, and if you've ever heard Old Man Radio then you've got to be asking yourself "162 people are subscribed to THAT!?" Well, what can I say. I certainly didn't expect it either, but now that they're out there I kinda feel this responsibility toward them.
(sigh) My subscribers.
To make matters worse, if you count the people who don't subscribe but rather download the show directly from my website then the number gets up around 200 or so, depending on the episode. Lately the trend has been up and to the right according to the little graph my web host gives me which seems to indicate that either the shows are getting better or there are people out there that have got nothing better to do than click the links on my website.
But wait, wait...I won't denigrate my audience. They are obviously a cultured and sophisticated lot who appreciate what I'm trying to do, i.e. bring them the very best podsafe music from the queit side of the net. Actually, I'm suprised at the quality of the music being offered out there nowdays and it's really lots of fun just going out there and finding it and putting it into playlists. The great thing about doing a music podcast is that no matter how lame or inept the presentation, the music still speaks for itself.
And like I said, I'm getting better. Or at least I think I'm getting better, and I love the music.
So, anyways, this is the process. First you do the podcast, and then you get a little bit of an audience, and then the real weight and responsibility of the enterprise starts hitting you, and by responsibility I mean bands start looking to you as a means of promoting them and getting their music out there. I've got to be honest, being a total novice at the music business that whole side of the equation never entered my thinking, but there it is.
And I'm not talking about the blog spam that all podcasters get. I mean if a band doesn't have any more consideration for me than to just send me a form email plugging their song or CD or whatever, then the odds are pretty slim that I'll ever play them on the podcast. I mean, at least let me know that you've listened to the podcast or something like that. Even if you don't like it you could still personalize the email a little so I don't feel like some promotional tool that you can just feed a PR release to and get your damn song played. That's the way I look at it at least, and if a band is going to just go around spamming podcasters like that then the least they could do is offer them a little payola, you know what I mean?
Hey, I'm not above taking a bribe.
But that's just a small part of the promotional side of things. Mostly, the musicians you hear from are sincere and hungry and some of their stuff is really good. When it is I play it, but always with the caveat that I'm small potatoes in the podcasting world and though I'll do what I can, what they really need to do is get some of the big boys to play their stuff. If Old Man Radio plays it I guarantee that 162 people will hear it, but if they can get the Daily Source Code or Catholic Insider or someone like that to play it, then thousands and thousands of people will hear it. Which is the honest truth, and I do tell them that, but it always makes me feel a little rude in saying it. Or at least a little too honest.
Which brings me to the next step in the whole podcasting process - promotion. That's something I've stayed away from so far because, like I said, I never really took my podcast that seriously or thought that I would keep doing it as long as I have. But I find that I really want to help these people out. That's a big part of why I'm doing what I'm doing, and so I may find myself having to promote the damn thing so that I can deliver an audience to these musicians and get their music heard. It's a responsibility that comes with the territory.
Problem is, I don't know a thing about promotion. So that's why I haven't been blogging too much lately. Instead, I've been listening to music and podcasts and trying to learn how to do promotion in a way that actually attracts an audience. And believe me, there are plenty of weird and cutesy promo's out there that I'm sure were a lot of fun to put together but don't necessarily make me or anyone I can think of want to subscribe. On the other hand there are really good promo's out there that do make you want to subscribe, but you can't just imitate what's already been done either. The promo has to be unique and snappy and entertaining, but also a good sample of what the podcast has to offer. It would be stupid of me to do a promo with a bunch of fart jokes and then have people tune in only to find that I'm basically just playing really good music.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm a micro cap podcast trying to graduate into the small cap world and not really sure what the next step is. But then again, I've got an audience of around 200 and that's a lot more than I ever imagined I'd get, so I'm making progress. Sheesh, this media business is harder than it looks.
So, where was I?
Oh yeah, when last I left you I was posting more useless junk about one thing or another. Let's see, that would have been...
Last month!?
Man, has it been that long? Oh well, truth is I've been busy with my Oldmanradio podcast. I'm up to episode 7 now and things are going a lot better than I could have ever imagined.
Which is a problem.
Regular readers of this blog (alright, alright, don't laugh) may remember that I started this whole podcast thing as sort of a lark. I've always wanted to be a media mogul, you see, and this seemed like an easy way to sort of test the waters and see what kind of a radio show I could come up with. I thought I'd do an episode or two, maybe, and then be done with the whole thing. But then something funny happened...
Two things actually.
1. I found out that podcasting is a lot more fun than I thought it would be. Not that I'm any good at it, mind you. I mean I'm getting better but I don't think that Howard Stern is looking over his shoulder and worrying if that middle-aged japanese guy is gaining on him.
2. I've managed to attract an audience. Not a big audience, not thousands or millions, but an audience just the same. In fact my latest stats show that I've got 162 subscribers to my podcast, and if you've ever heard Old Man Radio then you've got to be asking yourself "162 people are subscribed to THAT!?" Well, what can I say. I certainly didn't expect it either, but now that they're out there I kinda feel this responsibility toward them.
(sigh) My subscribers.
To make matters worse, if you count the people who don't subscribe but rather download the show directly from my website then the number gets up around 200 or so, depending on the episode. Lately the trend has been up and to the right according to the little graph my web host gives me which seems to indicate that either the shows are getting better or there are people out there that have got nothing better to do than click the links on my website.
But wait, wait...I won't denigrate my audience. They are obviously a cultured and sophisticated lot who appreciate what I'm trying to do, i.e. bring them the very best podsafe music from the queit side of the net. Actually, I'm suprised at the quality of the music being offered out there nowdays and it's really lots of fun just going out there and finding it and putting it into playlists. The great thing about doing a music podcast is that no matter how lame or inept the presentation, the music still speaks for itself.
And like I said, I'm getting better. Or at least I think I'm getting better, and I love the music.
So, anyways, this is the process. First you do the podcast, and then you get a little bit of an audience, and then the real weight and responsibility of the enterprise starts hitting you, and by responsibility I mean bands start looking to you as a means of promoting them and getting their music out there. I've got to be honest, being a total novice at the music business that whole side of the equation never entered my thinking, but there it is.
And I'm not talking about the blog spam that all podcasters get. I mean if a band doesn't have any more consideration for me than to just send me a form email plugging their song or CD or whatever, then the odds are pretty slim that I'll ever play them on the podcast. I mean, at least let me know that you've listened to the podcast or something like that. Even if you don't like it you could still personalize the email a little so I don't feel like some promotional tool that you can just feed a PR release to and get your damn song played. That's the way I look at it at least, and if a band is going to just go around spamming podcasters like that then the least they could do is offer them a little payola, you know what I mean?
Hey, I'm not above taking a bribe.
But that's just a small part of the promotional side of things. Mostly, the musicians you hear from are sincere and hungry and some of their stuff is really good. When it is I play it, but always with the caveat that I'm small potatoes in the podcasting world and though I'll do what I can, what they really need to do is get some of the big boys to play their stuff. If Old Man Radio plays it I guarantee that 162 people will hear it, but if they can get the Daily Source Code or Catholic Insider or someone like that to play it, then thousands and thousands of people will hear it. Which is the honest truth, and I do tell them that, but it always makes me feel a little rude in saying it. Or at least a little too honest.
Which brings me to the next step in the whole podcasting process - promotion. That's something I've stayed away from so far because, like I said, I never really took my podcast that seriously or thought that I would keep doing it as long as I have. But I find that I really want to help these people out. That's a big part of why I'm doing what I'm doing, and so I may find myself having to promote the damn thing so that I can deliver an audience to these musicians and get their music heard. It's a responsibility that comes with the territory.
Problem is, I don't know a thing about promotion. So that's why I haven't been blogging too much lately. Instead, I've been listening to music and podcasts and trying to learn how to do promotion in a way that actually attracts an audience. And believe me, there are plenty of weird and cutesy promo's out there that I'm sure were a lot of fun to put together but don't necessarily make me or anyone I can think of want to subscribe. On the other hand there are really good promo's out there that do make you want to subscribe, but you can't just imitate what's already been done either. The promo has to be unique and snappy and entertaining, but also a good sample of what the podcast has to offer. It would be stupid of me to do a promo with a bunch of fart jokes and then have people tune in only to find that I'm basically just playing really good music.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm a micro cap podcast trying to graduate into the small cap world and not really sure what the next step is. But then again, I've got an audience of around 200 and that's a lot more than I ever imagined I'd get, so I'm making progress. Sheesh, this media business is harder than it looks.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Sunrise, Sunset
You know, newspaper reporters have it easy. I mean there's always something going on, always something to write about. Sports writers always have a game to talk about, movie critics always have a batch of new movies to write about, and even the lowliest beat reporter can always find some kind of dirt that needs digging. But us bloggers...what is there for us? To what great crisis do we turn our gaze?
The economy? Pffft, the markets up and then it's down. Politics? Pshaw, it's all just money and lies. Culture? Are you kidding? In America? Social history, the great struggle against the injustices of our time. Bah, they ought to just nuke this place and put us all out of our misery.
Nope, it's time to face the ugly truth that after a year and a half this blog simply has nothing left to say. No insights, no perespectives, just a lot of blah, blah, blah. It's pretty pathetic really, and I could just sit around and feel sorry for myself but I won't. I'll climb out of this rut. I'll find some way out of this feckless, pointless, maze of lethargy and alienation. I'll....I know...I know what I'll do...
I'll go talk to Bill.
Bill Gates, that is. The Chairman of Microsoft and the world's richest man. Yeah, Bill Gates. He'll know what I should do. In fact, that's his house over there. Maybe I'll just ring the doorbell and see if he's in.
(Ding-dong)
Hmmm, no answer. Maybe I should try knocking.
(Knock, knock, knock)
Hmmm, still no answer. Maybe nobody's home.
"Hello"
(Where did that come from)
"Hello", (there it is again) "can I help you?"
"Uh, yes, I'm looking for Mr. Bill Gates. I was hoping that...say, where are you?"
"I'm up here, on the balcony."
"Oh, up there. Now I see you. Hello, My name is Tony Myers and I'd like to speak with Mr. Bill Gates please. Is he home?"
"Of course he is -who do you think you're talking to?"
"Oh, sorry. Of course, you're...Heh, I guess I didn't recognize you in your bathrobe."
"What do you want?"
"Gee, you're really Bill Gates huh? I've never talked to a multibillionare before."
"What do you want?"
"Oh yeah. Well you see Mr. Gates, sir, that's sort of the problem. I mean, that is to say, um... well, I guess I'm not really sure what I want. That is...look, I know how strange it must seem to you to drop by unannounced like this, and... I guess I just want to talk that's all. That is, if you don't mind. You see, Mr. Gates, the truth is that I've been feeling a little detached lately, and, I don't know, sort of indifferent and uninspired, and I was hoping that..."
"Are you drunk or something?"
"No, no...nothing like that. You see I was just hoping that..."
"Well, I don't know what I can do for you."
"Please Mr. Gates, if you'll just give me a minute of your time."
"What for?"
"Please Mr. Gates. Just 5 minutes. That's all I'm asking. I promise. If you can just give me five minutes to explain..."
"Can't you see I'm busy."
"Five minutes, Mr. Gates. Please. What's five minutes to you if it can help a lost and wandering soul find new meaning and a reason to go on..."
"You sure you're not on drugs or anything?"
"No, honest. It'll just be five minutes, I promise. If you just give me five minutes I..."
"Alright, alright. C'mon up. But you've got five minutes and that's it. Understand?"
"Yes, Thank you sir. Thank you. I'll be right up."
(I try turning the door knob but it won't budge)
"Excuse me, Mr. Gates sir, I think the door's locked."
"Just use the key."
"But I don't have a key. You see..."
"It's under the doormat."
"What?"
"Under the doormat. The key is under the doormat."
"Oh, ok...thanks. I'll be right up."
(And so I enter the house, and climb the stairs to the office, and there I see Bill sitting at his desk)
"Mr Gates...thank you for seeing me. I'm really sorry to bother you like this but..."
"Yes, yes, what can I do for you?"
"Well...you see..."
"Yes"
"Um, well...the thing is...uh, do you want your front door key back? I mean I have it here in my pocket if you want it. I didn't want to leave it laying under the doormat like that, you know. It seems so insecure."
"Insecure?"
"Yeah, you know, leaving your key laying around like that isn't really safe. I mean a stranger could just come along and find it and then break into your house and start messing around with everything and taking stuff. You know."
"No, I'm afraid I don't know. What are you talking about?"
"Well, I mean leaving your house wide open like that is kind of dangerous, isn't it?"
"Dangerous? Why?"
"Well, because...oh never mind. It's not important."
"If I didn't leave the key under the mat then how would our partners come in and do all those awesome things?"
"Right. Well there you are. See, I didn't think of that. I guess that's why you've got 40 billion dollars and I'm still living on food stamps and credit cards."
"Yes, I do have this vision, it's true. But this security thing is interesting... I hadn't thought of that. Yes, I think I'll bring it up the next board of directors meeting and see what they think . Perhaps we can patent it."
"That would be awesome Mr. Gates."
"Yes it would, wouldn't it. Yep, I'll definitely need to bring it up. Let me just make a note of it...there. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"Blogger's block."
"Blogger's block?"
"Yes, I've got this blog, you see."
"What kind of blog?"
"A clever, cogent, insightful one, sir, full of weight and importance. The kind that millions of hungry readers depend on for perspective and analysis on the breaking issues of the day."
"I see."
"No, I'm afraid you don't see. That is, I mean, well, it's like I've hit a wall. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I just don't have anything left to say."
"Well, I'm flattered that you've come to me but honestly I don't what it is that I can do for you. Isn't there someone else you can talk to about this?"
"No one sir. No one with your vision that is."
"Please, call me Bill."
"Bill?"
"Yes, that's what my friends call me."
"Ok, uh Bill. I really need your help with this."
"Are you sure you don't have a priest or a rabbi that you can go? They may be able to help you find your way."
"No, I'm not particulary religious that way, uh, Bill."
"Oh, well, since there's nobody else let's see what I can do. Hmmm, I know. Couldn't you do a blog about technology? People like technology and I might even be able to help you out a little."
"What should I say?"
"Well, you could talk about all ways that Microsoft is working with it's partners to bring cool and awesome solutions to the billions of people, using it's vision and leadership to take computing and the Windows platform into the 21st century."
"Yeah, I could talk about that."
"Well?"
"To tell you the truth, Bill, Windows has gotten kind of boring. OS X is where it's at these days."
"OS X? That's not a serious business OS. You don't see Fortune 500 companies running OS X do you? When sleazeballs and script kiddies want to bring down a a major corporation they don't write worms and trojans to attack OS X, do they? Hell no, turn to Windows. That's where the vulnerabilities are. That's where they can do the most damage. They don't want to waste their time on some puny little operating system like OS X."
"Well you see Bill, maybe that's the point..."
"And what about Vista? Haven't you heard about Vista? This is cool stuff. Our partners think it's awesome. Software companies, IT Departments, virus authors, spyware scammers...they've all told us how eager they are to take this next leap forward."
"Ok, maybe when it's released a year or two from now I can blog about Vista. But I need something to blog about now. Have you got anything else?"
"Yeah, we've got XBox 360 - you could blog about that."
"I'm not into games."
"It's not a game machine. It's a powerful home multimedia center that just happens to play games."
"Really? What can it do?"
"It can play DVD's."
"But I've already got a DVD player."
"It can connect to the internet."
"But I'm already connected to the internet. How do you think I post my blog?"
"If you want you can even add a hard drive."
"But...so, in other words, it's going to do all the things my computer already does."
"Yes, but your computer isn't connected to your TV."
"How much do you want for this thing?"
"300 bucks for the basic unit, 400 bucks if you want to add a hard drive."
"I'll pass."
"But you haven't even seen all the awesome products that..."
"Our partners are working on. Yeah, I know. Thanks, but I think I'll pass. Got anything else?"
"Windows Mobile 5?"
"Yeah, ok, there you go. I like my smartphone. Needs 3G though. And the screen gets all greasy whenever I put it up to my ear to talk. Any awesome solutions coming from your partners on that?"
"Windows Mobile 5 will deliver to the consumer the kind of awesome experience that..."
"Yeah, ok, ok. Windows Mobile 5 sounds cool but I've already blogged on smartphones."
"You have?"
"Yeah. You see the problem, don't you? I've got this blog but there's just nothing new to say."
"I see what you mean. That IS the problem isn't it. It's like how we used to be cool but now all people want to do is complain about us or sue us or blame us for every little thing. Have you seen our stock price lately? Nothing. Up a little, down a little, up a little, down a little...geez, I've seen bingo nights at the local retirement home that were more exciting than our stock price. How did everything go so stale all of a sudden?"
"Maybe the ideas just stop coming."
"But our partners, our awesome solutions....it happened so fast."
"That's the way life is, Bill. One day you're a fresh young flower just waiting to be plucked, and the next you're just a wilted, empty stem, your youthful glamour spent as you sit there barren and useless and unwanted. Yes, nature is a cruel mistress, Bill, and the days pass, and the sun sits low in the sky, and the light thins and pales, and then what? What do you do then, Bill? Do you just wither and sag and eat your suppers alone as you watch the young bucks chase after fresher game? Or do you refuse to succumb to the ravages of time and vainly try recapture some of your lost youth? Do you seek out some specialist who can smooth the wrinkles and hide the blemishes and tighten up the loose spots? And then what happens , Bill? How long do you deny the relentless march of time? Week after week, month after month, year after year, and all the while your youth escaping as you go from one operation to the next, desperately trying to hold on even as you become cadaverous and hideous and grotesque, not knowing anymore where the plastic ends and the flesh begins, denying your true self to pursue some fleeting vision of youth and beauty and happiness and all the time knowing that true happiness can only come from within, that true love starts when you accept yourself and love yourself for who you truly are. Is that the answer, Bill? Is that what life is all about? To go on pretending, to go on living a lie, to go on acting out this macabre comedy of deception and deceipt only to..."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"My next blog, Bill. That's it. I've got it now. Thank you, you've been a tremendous help."
"I have? Geez, but I feel terrible. I mean everything was going great until you showed up. I was even planning on going over to Steve's house later to squash a few bugs but now, I don't know, I just don't feel up to it somehow. You know, I guess this has just been one of the worst conversations I've ever had in my life."
"That's funny, it's been one of the best conversations I've ever had. You've given me new inspiration. The greed, the ambition, the whole dirty, sordid truth. It's all there."
"Sordid Truth? That's going to be your blog?"
"Yep, as soon as I get back to my computer and write it all down. See ya' Bill."
"Yeah, see ya'. Say, you're not coming back are you? 'Cause if you do I want you to be sure to ring the doorbell so I can pretend I'm not home."
"Ok, but aren't you forgetting about that key under the doormat?"
"Damn!"
You know, newspaper reporters have it easy. I mean there's always something going on, always something to write about. Sports writers always have a game to talk about, movie critics always have a batch of new movies to write about, and even the lowliest beat reporter can always find some kind of dirt that needs digging. But us bloggers...what is there for us? To what great crisis do we turn our gaze?
The economy? Pffft, the markets up and then it's down. Politics? Pshaw, it's all just money and lies. Culture? Are you kidding? In America? Social history, the great struggle against the injustices of our time. Bah, they ought to just nuke this place and put us all out of our misery.
Nope, it's time to face the ugly truth that after a year and a half this blog simply has nothing left to say. No insights, no perespectives, just a lot of blah, blah, blah. It's pretty pathetic really, and I could just sit around and feel sorry for myself but I won't. I'll climb out of this rut. I'll find some way out of this feckless, pointless, maze of lethargy and alienation. I'll....I know...I know what I'll do...
I'll go talk to Bill.
Bill Gates, that is. The Chairman of Microsoft and the world's richest man. Yeah, Bill Gates. He'll know what I should do. In fact, that's his house over there. Maybe I'll just ring the doorbell and see if he's in.
(Ding-dong)
Hmmm, no answer. Maybe I should try knocking.
(Knock, knock, knock)
Hmmm, still no answer. Maybe nobody's home.
"Hello"
(Where did that come from)
"Hello", (there it is again) "can I help you?"
"Uh, yes, I'm looking for Mr. Bill Gates. I was hoping that...say, where are you?"
"I'm up here, on the balcony."
"Oh, up there. Now I see you. Hello, My name is Tony Myers and I'd like to speak with Mr. Bill Gates please. Is he home?"
"Of course he is -who do you think you're talking to?"
"Oh, sorry. Of course, you're...Heh, I guess I didn't recognize you in your bathrobe."
"What do you want?"
"Gee, you're really Bill Gates huh? I've never talked to a multibillionare before."
"What do you want?"
"Oh yeah. Well you see Mr. Gates, sir, that's sort of the problem. I mean, that is to say, um... well, I guess I'm not really sure what I want. That is...look, I know how strange it must seem to you to drop by unannounced like this, and... I guess I just want to talk that's all. That is, if you don't mind. You see, Mr. Gates, the truth is that I've been feeling a little detached lately, and, I don't know, sort of indifferent and uninspired, and I was hoping that..."
"Are you drunk or something?"
"No, no...nothing like that. You see I was just hoping that..."
"Well, I don't know what I can do for you."
"Please Mr. Gates, if you'll just give me a minute of your time."
"What for?"
"Please Mr. Gates. Just 5 minutes. That's all I'm asking. I promise. If you can just give me five minutes to explain..."
"Can't you see I'm busy."
"Five minutes, Mr. Gates. Please. What's five minutes to you if it can help a lost and wandering soul find new meaning and a reason to go on..."
"You sure you're not on drugs or anything?"
"No, honest. It'll just be five minutes, I promise. If you just give me five minutes I..."
"Alright, alright. C'mon up. But you've got five minutes and that's it. Understand?"
"Yes, Thank you sir. Thank you. I'll be right up."
(I try turning the door knob but it won't budge)
"Excuse me, Mr. Gates sir, I think the door's locked."
"Just use the key."
"But I don't have a key. You see..."
"It's under the doormat."
"What?"
"Under the doormat. The key is under the doormat."
"Oh, ok...thanks. I'll be right up."
(And so I enter the house, and climb the stairs to the office, and there I see Bill sitting at his desk)
"Mr Gates...thank you for seeing me. I'm really sorry to bother you like this but..."
"Yes, yes, what can I do for you?"
"Well...you see..."
"Yes"
"Um, well...the thing is...uh, do you want your front door key back? I mean I have it here in my pocket if you want it. I didn't want to leave it laying under the doormat like that, you know. It seems so insecure."
"Insecure?"
"Yeah, you know, leaving your key laying around like that isn't really safe. I mean a stranger could just come along and find it and then break into your house and start messing around with everything and taking stuff. You know."
"No, I'm afraid I don't know. What are you talking about?"
"Well, I mean leaving your house wide open like that is kind of dangerous, isn't it?"
"Dangerous? Why?"
"Well, because...oh never mind. It's not important."
"If I didn't leave the key under the mat then how would our partners come in and do all those awesome things?"
"Right. Well there you are. See, I didn't think of that. I guess that's why you've got 40 billion dollars and I'm still living on food stamps and credit cards."
"Yes, I do have this vision, it's true. But this security thing is interesting... I hadn't thought of that. Yes, I think I'll bring it up the next board of directors meeting and see what they think . Perhaps we can patent it."
"That would be awesome Mr. Gates."
"Yes it would, wouldn't it. Yep, I'll definitely need to bring it up. Let me just make a note of it...there. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"Blogger's block."
"Blogger's block?"
"Yes, I've got this blog, you see."
"What kind of blog?"
"A clever, cogent, insightful one, sir, full of weight and importance. The kind that millions of hungry readers depend on for perspective and analysis on the breaking issues of the day."
"I see."
"No, I'm afraid you don't see. That is, I mean, well, it's like I've hit a wall. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I just don't have anything left to say."
"Well, I'm flattered that you've come to me but honestly I don't what it is that I can do for you. Isn't there someone else you can talk to about this?"
"No one sir. No one with your vision that is."
"Please, call me Bill."
"Bill?"
"Yes, that's what my friends call me."
"Ok, uh Bill. I really need your help with this."
"Are you sure you don't have a priest or a rabbi that you can go? They may be able to help you find your way."
"No, I'm not particulary religious that way, uh, Bill."
"Oh, well, since there's nobody else let's see what I can do. Hmmm, I know. Couldn't you do a blog about technology? People like technology and I might even be able to help you out a little."
"What should I say?"
"Well, you could talk about all ways that Microsoft is working with it's partners to bring cool and awesome solutions to the billions of people, using it's vision and leadership to take computing and the Windows platform into the 21st century."
"Yeah, I could talk about that."
"Well?"
"To tell you the truth, Bill, Windows has gotten kind of boring. OS X is where it's at these days."
"OS X? That's not a serious business OS. You don't see Fortune 500 companies running OS X do you? When sleazeballs and script kiddies want to bring down a a major corporation they don't write worms and trojans to attack OS X, do they? Hell no, turn to Windows. That's where the vulnerabilities are. That's where they can do the most damage. They don't want to waste their time on some puny little operating system like OS X."
"Well you see Bill, maybe that's the point..."
"And what about Vista? Haven't you heard about Vista? This is cool stuff. Our partners think it's awesome. Software companies, IT Departments, virus authors, spyware scammers...they've all told us how eager they are to take this next leap forward."
"Ok, maybe when it's released a year or two from now I can blog about Vista. But I need something to blog about now. Have you got anything else?"
"Yeah, we've got XBox 360 - you could blog about that."
"I'm not into games."
"It's not a game machine. It's a powerful home multimedia center that just happens to play games."
"Really? What can it do?"
"It can play DVD's."
"But I've already got a DVD player."
"It can connect to the internet."
"But I'm already connected to the internet. How do you think I post my blog?"
"If you want you can even add a hard drive."
"But...so, in other words, it's going to do all the things my computer already does."
"Yes, but your computer isn't connected to your TV."
"How much do you want for this thing?"
"300 bucks for the basic unit, 400 bucks if you want to add a hard drive."
"I'll pass."
"But you haven't even seen all the awesome products that..."
"Our partners are working on. Yeah, I know. Thanks, but I think I'll pass. Got anything else?"
"Windows Mobile 5?"
"Yeah, ok, there you go. I like my smartphone. Needs 3G though. And the screen gets all greasy whenever I put it up to my ear to talk. Any awesome solutions coming from your partners on that?"
"Windows Mobile 5 will deliver to the consumer the kind of awesome experience that..."
"Yeah, ok, ok. Windows Mobile 5 sounds cool but I've already blogged on smartphones."
"You have?"
"Yeah. You see the problem, don't you? I've got this blog but there's just nothing new to say."
"I see what you mean. That IS the problem isn't it. It's like how we used to be cool but now all people want to do is complain about us or sue us or blame us for every little thing. Have you seen our stock price lately? Nothing. Up a little, down a little, up a little, down a little...geez, I've seen bingo nights at the local retirement home that were more exciting than our stock price. How did everything go so stale all of a sudden?"
"Maybe the ideas just stop coming."
"But our partners, our awesome solutions....it happened so fast."
"That's the way life is, Bill. One day you're a fresh young flower just waiting to be plucked, and the next you're just a wilted, empty stem, your youthful glamour spent as you sit there barren and useless and unwanted. Yes, nature is a cruel mistress, Bill, and the days pass, and the sun sits low in the sky, and the light thins and pales, and then what? What do you do then, Bill? Do you just wither and sag and eat your suppers alone as you watch the young bucks chase after fresher game? Or do you refuse to succumb to the ravages of time and vainly try recapture some of your lost youth? Do you seek out some specialist who can smooth the wrinkles and hide the blemishes and tighten up the loose spots? And then what happens , Bill? How long do you deny the relentless march of time? Week after week, month after month, year after year, and all the while your youth escaping as you go from one operation to the next, desperately trying to hold on even as you become cadaverous and hideous and grotesque, not knowing anymore where the plastic ends and the flesh begins, denying your true self to pursue some fleeting vision of youth and beauty and happiness and all the time knowing that true happiness can only come from within, that true love starts when you accept yourself and love yourself for who you truly are. Is that the answer, Bill? Is that what life is all about? To go on pretending, to go on living a lie, to go on acting out this macabre comedy of deception and deceipt only to..."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"My next blog, Bill. That's it. I've got it now. Thank you, you've been a tremendous help."
"I have? Geez, but I feel terrible. I mean everything was going great until you showed up. I was even planning on going over to Steve's house later to squash a few bugs but now, I don't know, I just don't feel up to it somehow. You know, I guess this has just been one of the worst conversations I've ever had in my life."
"That's funny, it's been one of the best conversations I've ever had. You've given me new inspiration. The greed, the ambition, the whole dirty, sordid truth. It's all there."
"Sordid Truth? That's going to be your blog?"
"Yep, as soon as I get back to my computer and write it all down. See ya' Bill."
"Yeah, see ya'. Say, you're not coming back are you? 'Cause if you do I want you to be sure to ring the doorbell so I can pretend I'm not home."
"Ok, but aren't you forgetting about that key under the doormat?"
"Damn!"
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