Life, The Universe, and Curling

"Damn, dude. Where have you been?"

"What? Whatta you mean 'where have I been'? I've been right here, dude."

"No, but I mean it's been like 2 weeks since you posted anything to your blog. I thought maybe you died or went hunting with Dick Cheney or something."

"I've been busy, ok?"

"Busy doing what?"

"Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Who are you, my mama? Do I have to report back to you about everything I do? I've been doing stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. Excuse me if I didn't write it all down for you."

"Well, excuuuuse me. What are you some kind of spy or something? You got some super-secret thing going on that I'm not supposed to know about? All I asked was a simple question. You don't need to get all defensive about it. Sheeet."

"I'm not getting defensive. You don't see me asking you about your business, do you. So why are you asking me about mine. Sheeeet."

"I just got back from Cabo, man. Me and Jocelyn took a little vacation, you know. Kicking back on the beach, drinking Margueritas, doing a little dancing and a little partying. Oh man, it was..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You and your old lady went down to Cabo. Sounds great."

(pregnant pause)

"Well what's wrong with you? You got some kind of problem with a man taking his woman down to Mexico for a little R and R?"

"No, sounds great. Really. Sounds like you two had a wonderful time."

"Well don't sound so overjoyed about it. Jesus H. Christ. I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Hey, I said I was happy for you, didn't I? What am I supposed to do? Jump up and down and give you a big hug."

"You are one crabby-ass mother..."

"I ain't crabby. I'm happy for you. See...see me smiling here. Ooooh, I'm just so happy for the two of you."

"Yeah, whatever. You know, you need to lighten up a little, man. You need to get that bug out of your ass and relax a little, that's what you need. Try not to act so constipated all the time."

"Yeah, right."

"Damn right, I'm right. You know what your problem is? You're jealous. You're jealous 'cause I got a fine lady who loves me and takes care of me and all you got is some internet porn and one hairy hand to keep you company at night. That's what your problem is."

"F___ you! I got plenty of women. I got more women than I know what to do with. Man, all I got to do is pick up the phone and I can have as many women as I want. All I got to do is walk down the street and pick out the ones I want and take 'em home. "

"Oh, I see. Now you're James f___ing Bond or something. You just sip your martini and the women fall all over you."

"You don't believe me? Is that what you're saying? You don't believe me? The other night...I ain't lying now, the other night I had three. That's right. One in the bedroom, one on the phone, and one I was gonna stop by and see a little later."

"You're a lying motherf_____. I bet you ain't had three women in your entire life, let alone all in one night. Anyways, who cares. Who cares if it's three or fifty-three. One good woman is all you need. One good woman who'll love you and take care of you is all it takes. Once you have one good woman, it don't matter about all the rest."

"Sheeet, not me. I see a woman and I take her. And if I don't like her I just put her down and try someone else. I mean, how are you going to which is the tastiest dish unless you try everything on the menu."

"Man, you try everything on the menu and you know what's gonna happen. You're gonna end up fat and sick and ugly. That's what's gonna happen. All you need is one good one who can cook it up just right, and you'll be pink and healthy the rest of your days."

"Not me, man. I'm a born lover. I'm lean and mean and I can get any woman I want."

"Yeah, as long as they take mastercard or visa. "

"Heh, heh, heh...that was cold. "

"Anyways, like I was saying, what have you been up to these last couple of weeks. I mean, besides cruising the streets for love."

"Sheeet, I was just kidding man. Actually, I've been watching curling."

"You've been what?"

"I've been watching curling."

"Hurling?"

"No, curling. What are you stupid? You know curling, at the Olympics."

"Curling. At the Olympics? What the hell is curling?"

"It's a sport man. Haven't you been watching?"

"No, I've been down in Cabo and besides, I hate the Olympics. All those stupid little sports they have."

"You mean JF&T?"

"What's that?"

"You know, Jump, Flip and Twirl. All the Olympic sports are like that now. They have JF&T skiing, and JF&T figure skating, and JF&T snowboarding, and everything else they can think of. I hear at the next Olympics they're even gonna add some ramps to the Bobsled run and have the sledders throw in a few flips and twirls too."

"Yeah, that's what I mean. I can't figure any of that stuff out. I mean some guy goes up in the air and does a little twist and they give him 5 points or something, and the next guy comes down and does a little twist and they only give him like 4.9 or something, and I can't tell the difference between what the first guy did and the second guy did. It's weird, man."

"It's the judges. To me, any sport that uses judges ain't a real sport. It's like a beauty contest or something."

"Damn right."

"That's what's great about curling. It's a total skill game. There are no judges or officials or anything like that. It's just the players and maybe five or six rules at the most."

"So how's it played."

"You just have to watch it and figure it out. It's too complicated to explain. But it's like a puzzle or something. What you do is slide a stone down a sheet of ice and try to end up closer to the center of a bullseye than the other team. The problem is that each team gets to throw 8 stones apiece, and so each team has to figure out how to block and knock out the other teams stones so that they end up the closest to the center. I'm telling you, the strategy is intense."

"And that's what you've been doing for the past two weeks. Watching curling. I've been living it up down in Mexico and you've been sitting in front of the TV watching people slide stones down a sheet of ice."

(pause)

"They also serve who only stand and wait."

"Huh?"

"I'm getting old, man, what can I say. You know they had a big bicycle race here in San Jose today. The Tour de California or something like that. They had top riders coming in from all over the world to race in it and they passed by just a block from my house."

"So...um...what's your point. You watched a bicycle race today."

"No, I was at work. They passed a block from my house but I was at work."

"So?"

"I mean that's so San Jose, you know. They finally have this big international event and have all these stars come over and instead of having it on a weekend they have it on a Tuesday. I mean that is just such a half-ass San Jose way of doing things. Get half of it right and then still manage to screw it all up."

"Man, you lost me. What the hell you're talking about."

"I'm getting old, man, and it's like I'm spending all this time waiting for one last chance, and then when opportunity finally arrives, it arrives on a Tuesday. And I've got to work on Tuesdays, you know what I mean."

"That's pathetic, man. You need to get a grip on yourself. It was only a bicycle race."

"It was a metaphor, dude. A symbol. Somewhere out there a higher being is trying to tell me something."

"Yeah, he's telling you to lay off the crack pipe, that's what he's telling you."

"No...well, that too. But he's trying to tell me something else. It's like the puzzle is in front of me and all I have to do is find the right strategy. Put up a couple of corner guards and then draw behind them to the eight foot. Put it just in front of the T Line, then freeze to other teams rock and go for a big end."

"A big end?"

"Yeah, a big end!"

"Ok. Hey, it was nice talking to you but I gotta go...uh...wash my nikes now. See you around, ok. Maybe when the men in the white coats say it's alright for you to come home."

"Go for the big end, man. That's what I gotta do. Go for the big end."

"Later..."