Dead Cat Goes To Washington

"Senator, do you mind if I have a few words with you. Please. It will only take a minute."

"Ok, but I'm late for a meeting."

"Thank you very much Senator. Can I call you Chuck?"

"No."

"Sorry.

(pause)

So, Senator Schumer, I was wondering if you could tell me why you're making all this fuss over the Dubai Ports deal?"

"Are you kidding? Do you want the Arabs running the Port of New York?"

"I don't know. Do I?"

"They're the enemy you idiot. You want the enemy running the Port of Baltimore?"

"I thought the terrorists were the enemy, Senator. Do you mean to tell me that we aren't really at war with just the terrorists? Are you saying we're really at war with the entire Arab world?"

"We're at war with the terrorists."

"Then why are the Arabs our enemies?"

"Because the terrorists are Arabs."

"And all Arabs are terrorists?"

"No, no, no. I didn't say that. Look, it's like this. Birds of a feather, you know what I mean."

"?"

"I mean, I like the Arabs. Really, I do. I've travelled around the world and met many Arabs and most of them are fine people. Good, solid citizens, wouldn't hurt a fly. But that doesn't mean I'd want them to move in next door and marry my sister, you know what I mean. Let's just be careful, that's all I'm saying. Let's just sit down and think about this before we do something we're going to regret later. Believe me, once you let one of 'em in then there goes the whole neighborhood. You know what I mean?"

"Oh, yeah, I got you now."

"Yeah, you see how it is."

"Seems like a bunch of B.S. to me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, c'mon, we know what this is really about, don't we? You don't care about who owns this or that or who owns the Port of New York or even who marries your sister. What you're really trying to do is distract us. You're trying to take our minds off the fact that we pay you guys up there in Washington to run the country and you don't do diddly squat. I mean, just look at Social Security and Medicare. Everyone knows that we're headed for a train wreck in our entitlement programs. Everyone knows we've got to get this thing straightened out. Everyone knows that if we don't act now then there's going to be the Devil to pay later. We've known all of it for at least the last 20 years and what have you guys in Washington done. Diddly, that's what."

"That's not our fault. We Democrats have..."

"Oh puleeeeeezeeeee. We Democrats...we Republicans....I'm sick of it. That's all we ever get from Washington. Blame, blame, blame, and meanwhile nothing ever gets done. You know why you're spending so much time worrying about Dubai Ports? I know why. You want me to tell you why?"

"I think you're being..."

"It's because Dubai Ports just happens to be the latest scandal, that's why. Every week, every month, it's all about the latest scandal. Some petty little fight breaks out somewhere and a million reporters go shuffling off to cover it. And then the next week comes some petty little misstep and off they go scurrying in the other direction. That's all that happens in Washington anymore. It's just one scandal to the next, and that's just fine by you because as long as public is consumed by the latest controversy then you know you won't be held accountable for all the really big problems you seem so powerless to contain. That's what this whole Dubai Ports thing is really about, isn't it?"

"Look , if you'll just give me a chance to..."

"Do you really think that Dubai Ports, a multinational coporation with business operations in Europe, Asia, the Middle East, Australia and South America is really coming here to open a bunch of terrorist bases? Is that what you think?"

"If you'll just give me a chance..."

"I know. Maybe you have some secret information. Maybe there's some kind of Zimmerman Note floating around. Some kind of secret alliance between the United Arab Emirates and Mexico. C'mon, Senator. What gives? What's really going on here?"

"No comment. What paper did you say you worked for?"

"I don't work for a paper. I'm a blogger. I work for the people."

"Look, I gotta go. I'm late for my meeting."

"Just answer the question Senator. What did you know and when did you know it?"

"Been nice talking to you."

"Is it true that you have an illegitimate child still living in Dubai? Just answer the question, Senator. "

"That's a total fabrication of the facts."

"Is it true that there is a secret slush fund worth billions of dollars? Where did that money come from Senator?"

"I don't know what you're..."

"Just answer the question, Senator. Senator? Senator...? (Damn. I had him cornered, too. I had his back against the wall and I let him get away. A good journalist would never have done that. Once he get's the smell of blood in the water, a good journalist always moves in for the kill. He moves stealthily, relying on cunning and instinct to stalk his prey, lulling it into a false sense of security and then CHOMP, he bites its head off)."

(sigh)

I had him cornered too.