The Lost Cause

This is going to be the big week when Gen. Petraeus finally gives his report to Congress, not that anyone is expecting any big surprises. I think most people already have the gist of what he's gonna say. In fact, I was reading somewhere that somebody took a poll somewhere and found that a majority of Americans think that Petraeus is not being truthful about the situation in Iraq - and he hasn't even finished his report yet. Geez, you'd think people would at least let the guy open his mouth before they start calling him a liar.

But that's not how it works, and it all fits in with a phenomenon that I call the "liar, liar, pants on fire" syndrome. You see, through careful research and observation I've come to the conclusion that it's always easier to call someone a liar than it is to allow that he might be telling the truth. The reasons are simple. So long as you call someone a liar then that puts the onus on him to prove he's telling the truth. He's the one who is called to action, not me. I only have to stand and point.

On the other hand, if someone tells me something and I accept it as true, then the situation is reversed. He's done his job and now I am called to action. For example, if someone comes up to me and tells me my house is on fire and I dismiss him as a liar, then it's up to him to prove he's telling the truth. However, if someone comes up to me and says "look, isn't that your house on fire?", and I see that my house is indeed on fire, then suddenly it's me who has to get off my lazy butt and do something about it.

Does that make sense? Maybe I didn't explain it as well as I should, but I think the basis for 90% of all cynicism in any given population can be directly linked to the "liar, liar, pants on fire" syndrome. It's just so much easier for us lazy humans to dismiss something as a lie and feel ourselves astute than it is to act on uncomfortable truths. Not that I know what the General is going to say, but the sooner we can agree it's all lies then the sooner we can get back to what we were doing before we were so rudely interrupted.

Don't you agree?

Anyways, I don't think there's anything that Petraeus could say that would assuage the Copperheads, er Democrats. At least not when there is an election so close at hand. You make a little progress in Anbar and Baghdad and they just complain that you haven't ended the violence in all of Iraq. You end the violence in all of Iraq and they complain that you haven't ended the violence in Afghanistan. You end the violence in all of Iraq and Afghanistan and they complain that you haven't brought peace to the Middle East. You end the violence in all of Iraq and Afghanistan and bring peace to the Middle East and they complain that you haven't brought about total world peace. You end the ... you get the idea.

Personally I think what the General should do is occupy Savannah. I mean it worked before, didn't it? Why not give it a try. Just have Petraeus send a telegram presenting the City of Savannah as a Christmas gift to the President, and watch the tide of public opinion turn. Of course Petraeus seems more of a diplomat that General Sherman was, and Dubya is certainly no Abraham Lincoln, but what this Iraq War needs is a identifiable symbol of success. Without that, the American people are just going to keep on thinking that the politicians and generals are a bunch of liars.

And speaking of the Democrats, did you see that little fundraiser that Oprah Winfrey gave for Barak Obama the other night. Oh you should have seen it. Here we had the Democrats, the "green" party, then environmentally conscious anti-global warmimists, making their way into a car park to be bussed up the road to Oprah's exclusive Montecito Estate, and among these earnest and committed people not a Prius or Civic or any other fuel efficient vehicle in sight - just block after block of idling limousines and birds falling dead out of the sky from the fumes.

I guess that's all a part of what you could call the "it's easier for rich people to make movies about the world's problems than to sacrifice any of their comforts to actually do something about them" syndrome. Meanwhile, here's crusty old me riding my GZ to work each day (70 mpg), while these Hollywood hypocrites pollute the skies and debauch themselves with money, sex and drugs.

Damn, what am I doing wrong?

The Prince and the Pauper

"Hey! What the ... How did you get in here?"

"Sorry Senator, but the door was open. I thought it would be ok."

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No. You see I just wanted to talk to you for a sec..."

"Justin... Justin... JUSTIN!"

(a reply comes from another room)

"Yes Senator?"

"Justin. Who let this person in my office?"

(Justin enters the room)

"What? Hey, you can't be in here."

"If you don't mind I just wanted to ask the Senator a few questions."

(Justin replies)

"Look, you'll have to leave. No one is allowed in here without an appointment."

"But..."

"I said you'll have to leave. Do you understand?"

"Sure, I understand. I'm going, ok? But, first I wanted to ask the Senator a few questions. It'll only take a minute. I promise."

(Now the Senator starts speaking)

"What did you want to talk to me about? If you need a pass to visitor's gallery Justin can get you one from the front desk."

"No, I wanted to ask you about health care reform."

"I don't discuss policy - not without an appointment."

"But I'm one of your constituents. Don't you have time to talk a voter?"

"Yeah, sure. What's this really about? A hospital? A clinic? Let me guess, you need some help from Washington. A few dollars to get you going, or waiver of some kind. Right?"

"No, nothing like that. I just..."

"Justin, maybe you should explain the proper procedures to this gentleman."

(Justin turns to me)

"The senator is always glad to listen to the needs of his constituents, but you've got to understand that the senator is a very busy man and there are lots of people asking for his time. He can't just talk to every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes walking into his office. Of course, if someone was to do the senator a little favor, then I'm sure he'd be happy to offer whatever assistance he could."

"A favor? Like what?"

"Oh any little thing. It doesn't have to be much."

"You mean money? You want me to give the Senator some money?"

"No, no, no. A favor is all he asks."

"Well, I could give him twenty bucks."

Twenty dollars? Is that some kind of a joke? You're offering us twenty ..."

(The Senator bursts out laughing)

"Ah hell, Justin. Let the man have his say. Besides, twenty bucks might come in handy. Tell you what, just put the money on my desk there and I'll see what I can do for you. And that's a campaign contribution, you understand. I don't want want you to get the wrong idea."

"Yeah, sure...here you go."

"So you want to talk about health care reform, do you. Ok, what do you want to know?"

"Well Senator, I mean, you know, somethings gotta be done. Health care costs are going through the roof, and everybody's paying more and more and lots of employers are dropping health care coverage altogether, and people need help."

"Rumors, all rumors. I can assure you our health care system is the best in the world."

"Excuse me Senator, but they're not rumors. It's getting bad out there."

"Well then it's those damn illegals. They come over here just so they can get sick."

"With all due respect Senator..."

"Justin, get Fred Blake over at the National HMO Association on the phone. I want to see if he's heard anything about this health care problem."

"Sure Senator...I'm dialing...Hello, this is Senator ____'s office calling. Is Mr. Blake available. Yes, sure, thank you...Hello, Mr. Blake? Hello sir, I've got Senator ____ on the line. Just one moment...Fred Blake on line 1 Senator."

"Hello Fred? How 'ya doing you ol' fart. Yeah...what?...oh yeah, she's fine. Yeah, they're fine too. My oldest is starting college in the fall. Yeah, Harvard, wants to be a lawyer. I told her she ought to try to find some honest work instead. Hah, hah, hah...What? Are you kidding? Gonna cost me an arm and a leg...yeah, well...yeah, we're both very proud...Listen Fred, the reason I'm calling is because I've got a citizen in my office now and he's telling me there's something wrong with the health care system in this country. No...no...of course not, I'm just telling you what he said... What?...Yeah, I got it...Yeah, it was. It was very generous, and believe me I'm not gonna forget you for this...Huh?...No, that's not necess...well, yeah, sure. I appreciate that. You know how expensive these campaigns are getting nowadays...What?...The Bahamas? Let me check my calendar and get back to you on that...No, I haven't heard anything. I tell you, I don't think anything's going to happen until after the election...No, don't worry. That's not going to be a problem...Well thanks. I'm always glad to help. But listen, about this health care thing...well, you see, that's what I thought. You know how these news shows are. Getting people all worked up over nothing. Christ, they can't find any real news to cover so they've gotta start making things up and getting everybody in a panic... Yeah, I know, I know, it's those damn illegals. Listen, I gotta go, but I'll get back to you on that Bahama's thing...Sure...no problem. Say hello to the missus for me. Alright Fred, great talking to you."

(The Senator hangs up and talks to me)

"That was Fred Blake, and believe you me he knows everything there is to know about the health care business. You know he lobbies for over 100 different HMO's and PPO's in this country. There isn't anything he doesn't know about health care, and he tells me there's nothing wrong with the system. Says it's just these news people who are creating the problem. If I were you I'd just stop worrying and let the government take care of things. And don't believe everything you read in the paper."

"But Senator, it's real. People are afraid of getting sick because they don't have insurance. People are scared to death that something's going to happen to their children and they won't have the money to pay for it. Old people are spending their food money on drugs. The newspapers aren't making it up."

"Look, I'd like to help you but..."

"But what?"

"But you're out of favors, if you know what I mean. Look, I answered your questions so why don't you just let me get back to my business."

"No, you haven't answered my questions. You're just burying your head in the sand."

"..."

"Senator? Did you hear me?"

"..."

"Oh, I get it. You need another favor. Sorry, I don't have any more cash on me."

"..."

"Look, you can see for yourself. My wallet's empty."

"..."

"Geez. Ok, is there an ATM around here?"

"There's a bank around the corner."

"How about a check. Will you take a check?"

"How big of a check?"

"Uh, a hundred dollars?"

"..."

"Five hundred dollars?"

"..."

"A thousand dollars? I can't go any higher than that."

"Don't make it out to me. Make it out to 'The American Freedom Coalition'. They'll see that it gets to the right account."

"The American Freedom Coalition. Right...Here you go. One thousand dollars. Now can we talk?"

"Justin, get Gloria Palmer of the American Pharmaceutical Association on the phone...What line?...Line 1?...Hello Gloria, this is Senator ____ calling. How are you today?...Yes, yes I did. That was very generous of you...Of course...I'm behind you 100% and I promise I'll do everything in my power to...Where? Where's that?...Oh, the South of France. Sounds nice. Let me check my calendar...Of course I will, just as soon as I...no, you don't have to thank me. It's my pleasure. Listen Gloria, the reason I'm calling is I've got a citizen in my office who's telling me that there are uninsured people in America who are having a hard time affording their medications. Have you heard anything about that?...Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Is that so. No I didn't know...Well that's outrageous. Someone's got to put a stop to that...I see...Well, I'm glad you told me. I had no idea...Uh-huh..Ok, I'll get in touch with you later. Alright, bye-bye."

"So what did she say? I was right, wasn't I?"

"No, you were totally wrong. She told me that the reason the health care system is in so much trouble is because people are importing dangerous drugs from overseas. Did you know that? They buy 'em cheap and import them illegally into this country. Why, that's the most underhanded thing I've ever heard of. I can tell you right now, we're going to put a stop to that."

"You're pathetic, Senator."

"What did you say?"

"I said you're pathetic. You don't care about the people at all, do you? You just take care of your rich and powerful friends so that they can take care of you, and you don't care about the needs of the average working person at all. You're pathet..."

"Now that'll be enough of that. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and listen to you whine like a little baby just because the world doesn't cater to your needs. Is that what you think we're here for? Is that what you think Congress is supposed to do? Take care of you like your mommy and your daddy? Quit you're crying and get the hell out of my office."

"You're supposed to lead us and find solutions to the nation's problems. Instead you just stuff your pockets full of money and do nothing."

"Look, I'm going to tell you something, and then I want you to leave. Ok? Congress is not here to solve the nation's problems. You're thinking about it all wrong. Congress is like...like...like a venture capitalist. People come to us with their projects and ideas, and we provide the investment capital to get them going. If you need a few highway jobs in your district, we earmark a little investment. If you need some help for your pig farmers, we earmark a little for them too. You see, that's what keeps the people happy and the nation growing. We take your tax dollars and we invest them back into the community. Is that such a bad thing?"

"So you're not going to do anything about health care reform, are you? Or social security, or immigration reform, or energy independence. All you're gonna do is bring home the bacon for the folks back home, and hope nobody notices that nothing ever gets done. As long as the voters are complacent and lazy, that's all that matters."

"I believe you're finally catching on. Look, you want some advice? Don't take things so seriously. Sure we got problems, but who doesn't? Forget all that, and just concentrate on what's really important in life."

"Like what? Paris Hilton?"

"Yeah, like Paris Hilton. Like Lindsay Lohan. Like Brittany Spears. That's what people care about. They don't sit around and think about all the problems in the world. What for? As long as Paris Hilton is in jail and they're not, then how bad can things be."

"It's not always going to be like that. One day the people are going to wake up and see how people like you are getting fat and rich while they're just getting by, and they're gonna go to the polls and vote. And then where will you be, Senator?"

"I'll be right here in my office, and if they come looking for me, tell 'em to bring cash."

Congress Goes On The Record

Dr. Samuel Johnson once famously said that "there is nothing so hopeless as a scheme of merriment", but then Dr. Johnson never heard of the 110th Congress of the United States of America. In yet another symbolic gesture by a Congress which is quickly establishing its reputation as the king of symbolic gestures, an political maneuver called the war funding resolution was passed last week along mostly partisan lines. I'm sure you heard the news but I just thought I'd mention it in case you missed it.

The centerpiece of the resolution, of course, is the requirement that all U.S. troops be withdrawn from Iraq by September 2008, a date conveniently close to the next election (a coincidence, I'm sure). Oops, I should apologize for that parenthetical remark. I'm sure this resolution, despite the fact that it narrowly passed the House and has little chance of passing in the Senate and absolutely no chance of overriding a presidential veto, has nothing whatsoever to do with the next election. I'm sure it is not intended to put the Democratic Party on the record as being against the war or to provide a platform from which they can attack the Republicans in the '08 campaign, which, believe it or not has started already (here's hoping that the next round of presidential candidates waits at least until the next president is sworn in before launching their 2012 campaigns).

Ok, I'm kidding. It's a purely partisan political resolution. Why else would the House waste the people's time and money passing a bill that has no chance of being enacted. Because they actually think that announcing a ending date for the war is a good idea? I wouldn't be surprised if Nancy Pelosi is already rehearsing her convention speech.

That said, the resolution does put the Democrats in a very awkward position, doesn't it? I mean if at some level the Dems have to be hoping that the slaughter in Iraq or else they're going to look mighty foolish come election time.

Can you imagine? If some actual semblance of peace is restored to Baghdad and we do manage to get the electricity turned on and the water running and at least a faint pulse of commerce and employment pumping through its veins, then the Democrats are going to look downright peevish for wanting to bail out in March of '07. Of course as things stand now that doesn't seem likely, but who knows? Let's just hope for the Dems sake that radicalism spreads and thousands more Iraqi's die before the next election. Well, not really, but let's face it, after taking this position the only good news for the Democrats is going to be more bad news from Iraq.

Getting back to the real world and the real issues at hand, though, wasn't that an interesting idea that King Abdullah II of Jordan raised last month. In case you weren't paying attention, he suggested that perhaps one of the answers for all of this instability in the Middle East would be to resolve the Israel-Palestinian conflict. He seemed to think that finding some settlement to that decades old conflict could relieve a lot of the tension that's been festering in the Arab world, and maybe help combat the rise of radicalism in the region.

Well the nerve of that guy. Coming here to the United States and trying to tell us how to manage our relations with the Arab world. Luckily the Congress didn't pay him no mind. Nope. They just sat down with their political consultants and, after reviewing the poll numbers, decided that peace in the Middle East wasn't going to resonate with the voters in the '08 campaign, so they quickly scrapped that idea and went back to work on their resolution.

Then again, what that Abdullah fella was saying did make some sense. After all, these Al-Qaeda folks ain't like your conventional type armies. As one person said, they're more like the internet. That is, they're distributed, and there's no central place where you can strike and deal a death blow. It's just a bunch of independent cells, and if you kill one then the other cells still go on and grow even more cells.

Seems to me that the best way to fight something like that is to starve them out - you know, deny them the recruits they need to grow. I mean, how many people are there in the world who are willing to tie a bomb around their bellies and go blow themselves up. I bet there's a limited pool, and since radicalism thrives in a climate of poverty and anger then a peaceful and economically viable Palestinian state might not be such a bad thing, especially if the prosperity managed to spread itself throughout the Middle East. Well, it ain't gonna happen in a day and it ain't gonna happen by the next election, so for America, at least, that whole idea is a nonstarter.

The only thing that matters now is that we make Bush pay for this war. After all, it's all his fault. It's his war and we had nothing to do with it. Why we were out there in our yards pruning the roses and we come back inside and find out he's got us in this war - out of the blue, just like that. Caught us completely by surprise. So now we've got to get Bush and pay him back for hornswaggling us that-a-way. At least that's the politics of it, and until we get the politics right then nothing's going to get done.

Not by the 110th Congress that is.

Spill the Wine, Dig That Girl

Well it just goes from bad to worse for poor S.F. Mayor Gavin Newsom. First the revelation about his affair with a co-worker and wife of his former campaign manager, and now new revelations that the Mayor will be entering a rehab program for an alcohol problem. Other than that, I'd say he's had a pretty uneventful February.

Now, of course, everywhere the Mayor goes he is pursued by a posse of reporters and cameramen, and he's the hot gossip all around the Bay Area. Such a mess, and you'd think world peace was hanging in the balance, but is it really? Is this what people are really concerned about, or is this just the sort of sensational news that grabs eyeballs and sells newspapers?

Seems to me, on a day-to-day basis, the important Bay Area news stories are high housing costs, crumbling infrastructure, crime, congestion...that sort of thing. I wonder if the people in the Fillmore or the Tenderloin or Bayview/Hunters Point are feeling safer tonight knowing that the Mayor is going into rehab, or if people living paycheck to paycheck feel a little more secure knowing that the Mayor deeply regrets his personal lapse of judgement. Wasn't it only last month the the Bay Area was going through a whole series of double murders? For some reason I think people care more about that then they do about Mayor Newsom's personal problems. Just look at this news clip (this is a deep link so I hope it works).

Which brings me to my point. Namely, I think it's high time we passed a law in this country making it illegal for elected officials to read newspapers, or listen to news reports, or watch the news on TV, because when they watch the news they seem to get a very distorted view of what's really important to the public they're supposed to serve. I mean if you were to believe what you see on the news then the thing most people care about today would be the country's jealous, out-of-control astronaut crisis.

It also works the other way around too. For example, why are they having this big debate in the Congress now over who supports Bush's war strategy and who doesn't. It's completely meaningless, and I think the public realizes that if the Commander-in-Chief is determined to kill that whale, then there's not much the officers and crew can do about it short of mutiny. Any Resolution that either does or doesn't get passed wouldn't have any teeth anyways, and the whole exercise is really about getting your name in the newspapers and on TV and positioning yourself for the next election. It's not going to end the violence or fix Social Security or cover anyone's medical expenses.

So that's why I think we need a law or something. That way the politicians can stop worrying about their press coverage and start talking more to the people. You know we have this Web 2.0 stuff nowadays, and the communication can flow in both directions. You don't need to get it secondhand from the talking heads. At least think about it, ok, 'cause we've got a lot of work to do.