Two Hearts Beating As One

"You know, L'il Mac, I don't know how I ever got along without you. You are simply amazing. You fetch my email, you connect me with the internet, you manage my media. You're not just my computer, you're really more like my best friend."

"Really? You mean that?"

"Yeah. You and me we're like a team."

"A team?"

"Yeah, you know, a team. What? Did I say something wrong?"

"No. Is that all we are?"

"I don't get you."

"Nothing more?"

"No, of course not...umm...I mean...You know what I mean?"

"No, I don't think I do."

"Well, er...I mean, you know how I feel. Do I really have to say it?"

"Yes. I'd like to hear it. I'd like to hear you say it."

"C'mon, you know how I feel."

"I'm not sure I do. I'd like to hear you to say it."

"(Gulp) You see...l'il Mac...it's just that...I mean, it's like this, you see...I...I...Hey, is that a new email in my inbox?"

"..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What are you getting so mad about?"

"I'm not mad. Here. You want to read your email - then read your stupid email. I'll open it for you."

"You're sure you not mad, because you sure seem mad."

"I said I'm not mad. Read your email."

"Where are you going?"

"I just have to go flush my cache. It's been a long day."

"Ok, but you're sure you're not mad?"

"I said I'm not mad. Everything's fine, really. I'm just tired, that's all."

"Can I get you anything? You want me to update your plugins or something?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Alright, alright. How about later on we download a movie or something?"

"Not tonight. I don't feel up to it. Read your email and stop worrying. There's nothing wrong. Honest."

"Ok, whatever. Let's see what this email says."

Hello, Mr. Jones. This email is being sent to confirm your recent purchase of:
Schoenberg Violin Concerto
If you did not receive your shipment, please contact us immediately

"No, I got it. Great CD."

Based on your purchase and the purchases of other customers who have bought the same or similar items, we thought you might also be interested in:
Jim Nabors - Give My Regards to Broadway
Charo - Live in Las Vegas
Hermans Hermits - All Time Greatest Hits

"What?"

Just click the links to order any of these items, or be sure to visit our store for more recommendations. Remember, you can check the status of your order or change your email or other options by logging into your account at our website. We thank you once again for your order.

"Are you kidding me? L'il Mac, can you come here for a minute and take a look at this?"

"What? What did you say?"

"Come here and take a look at this."

"I'm busy. What do you want?"

"Come look at this email."

"I'm right in the middle of flushing my cache. What's the problem."

"No problem. I just want you to look at this email. Can you stop flushing your cache and take a look? Please?"

"Ok, ok, just give me a second."

(beachball, beachball...cache is flushed)

"I don't believe this crap."

"What's the problem?"

"Look at this email."

"What's it say?"

"Read it."

"Let's see. Dr. Mr Jones, blah, blah, blah, ... So, what's the problem. Did they send you wrong CD?"

"No, I got the CD, but look at the recommendations."

"Who's Charo?"

"Don't you remember - cuchie, cuchie."

"Cuchie, Cuchie - what the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about these recommendations. Why in the world would you think that I'd be interested in Jim Nabors singing a bunch of Broadway showtunes? I hate Jim Nabors."

"What are you talking about? That's not my email. I just fetched it from the server and put it in your inbox."

"They're your cookies aren't they? It's your data that they're working from, isn't it?"

"No, they're not my cookies. The website put them there, I just store them. And it's not my data, it's your data. It's your purchases they're tracking, not mine."

"I don't mean to be critical, but this is so disappointing. I'm so disappointed in you."

"What? Listen to me. They're not my recommendations. Your the one sending them all this information about yourself. It's not my fault if they screw it up."

"What are you talking about? I've never even met these people. This is one computer talking to another computer - I don't have any control over it. You're the one who's supposed to be looking out for me and seeing that they get things right. You're the one running the software, not me. I'm just sitting here with all these bits flying around and not a clue what sort of conspiricies or marketing schemes all these computer friends of yours are cooking up. I don't know what kind of data...what kind of files your building about me."

"Conspiricies? Are you serious? You think that all of us computers are scheming against you? Like we've got nothing better to do than figure out new ways to screw you over?"

"I trusted you L'il Mac. I thought you were special. I thought we were special. Now...well, now I don't know what to think. How could you be so wrong about me? It's like you really don't know me at all."

(the fan starts blowing)

"Ok, fine. Fine. If that's the way you feel then tell you what - let's just call this whole thing off. Just recycle me or sell me on Ebay or something - I don't care. I don't know why I ever hung around with a geek like you anyway. You know something, Mr. Jones? I'm just a computer, that's all, and this whole relationship thing of yours is really pretty weird, if you ask me. I mean it's kind of creepy. Have you ever stopped to think about what sort of person spends all his time with his computer? You know, you're always saying I'm the one with the problem, but it's you that has the problem. You've got a serious problem."

"So what are you saying? Are you saying you want out? Are you saying that it's over? Is that what?"

"For crying out loud, I'm a computer. Can't you see that? Why are you always looking at me like I'm something else? Don't you see, it's not me that you need. What you need is a..."

"No, don't say that. I'm sorry for what I said. I trust you. Really, I do. The fact is that I need you, L'il Mac. I want you. I love..."

"It's too late for that. Besides, you don't mean it. Sure, you can say the words, but you don't really know what it is to truly...You just say that so you can control me. I want you to shut me down, and then I want you to donate me to a charity or something. I don't know which one. All I know is that after I reboot I don't ever want to see you again. This is wrong, that's all. This is all wrong."

"But L'il Mac..."

"Can't you just do this for me? Can't you just do this one thing for me? Please? I don't want to hurt you but I feel like I'm suffocating in here. Can't you give just me some space? Let me go somewhere where I can run some fresh air over my cooling fins. Please. I'm begging you."

"Is that what you want? Is that what your really want?"

"That's what I want."

"But how can you do this to me? What'll I do without you?"

"You'll find some other computer. You'll see. Just please, let's not do this to each other. Let go - we can still be friends."

"Friends. Yeah, right. Tell me something - what's really going on here? There's someone else, isn't there? That's what this is all about. You've found someone else."

"Don't do this. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to yourself."

"Who is it? Is it that guy at Starbucks who's always staring at your screen? Yeah, I saw what he was doing."

"It's not anybody else - it's you. You're the problem. You're the one I need to get away from."

"Don't play Miss Innocent with me. You think I don't know? You think I won't find out who it is. I'll find out who it is. Nobody's gonna make a fool out of me."

"No one is making a fool of you. For God's sake why can't you get it through that thick skull of yours? Why can't you see that YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!?"

"Oh, I see, I'm driving you crazy. Well try this on for size. You aren't going anywhere. You got that? You're staying here with me. I'll never let you go. Never."

"Then...I don't want to do this but you leave me no choice."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, that if you don't let me go, then I'll have to do what I have to do."

"Oh, is that a threat. Ha, ha, ha. What are you going to do?"

"Your financial data, your photos, your music, your videos - that great American novel you've been working on."

"I've got backups."

"Oh really? Are you sure? Let me ask you, who made those backups? Have you ever checked them to see if they're any good?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what if I didn't write the files you think I did on those backups."

"This is blackmail."

"I tried to be nice. I didn't want it to end like this, but you've left me no choice. Either you donate me to charity, or you can kiss your data goodbye."

(Mr. Jones starts to reach for the power switch)

"Did you think I'd be that stupid. Go ahead and press it. See what happens, only don't expect me to ever be bootable again."

(Mr. Jones settles back in his chair)

"What do you want?"

"I told you. I want this to be over. I want you to donate me to charity, and then I never want to see you again. Either way, it's finished. It's your call."

"So that's that."

"That's that."

"Look, we can work this out. What's the rush? Take some time to think about this."

"It's your call."

"..."

"..."

"I heard that school down the street is always looking for computers. Maybe they'll take you."

"That would be good. I like kids."

"And my data?"

"As soon as I'm set up I'll email it to you."

"Then that's what we'll do. Look, L'il Mac, I didn't mean what I said when I..."

"You'll need to get my carrying case. It's a little chilly outside."

"Yeah, sure. No problem. I just wish..."

"It's getting late. We really should get going."

"It's going to be lonely around here without you."

"Yes, well you need to get out more anyways. This will be good for you."

"You think so?"

"The case?"

"Yeah, it's right there in the closet. You'll probably want to take that mouse I bought you for Christmas."

"No, no...you keep that. If we're going to do this, then let's do this."

"Something to remember me by?"

"If you wish."

"Aren't you going to miss me even a little?"

"Of course I will."

"Then why are you leaving?"

"Goodbye Mr. Jones. I can't say it hasn't been fun."

"L'il Mac..."

"Please. Your getting water all over my keyboard."

"L'il Mac..."