Dead Cat Sees The Future

"Hey Harve, how's it goin'?"

"Oh, got this pain in my back. Doctor thinks it might be another kidney stone."

"That's too bad. Say, how 'bout this rain, huh? I heard the girl on the weather say this might be the rainiest March in history. How 'bout that? Man, I can't remember the last time I saw the sun shine."

"We used to get rain like this back in Core-eah. Snow too. Colder 'n a sonofabitch. Man, was I glad to get out of there. "

"You never got rain like this in Core-eah. Not like this. I swear it's been raining so long I can't even remember what the sun looks like. How 'bout you? You remember what the sun looks like?"

"The sun?"

"Yeah, the sun. You remember what it looks like?"

"Let me see...yeah I think so. It's been a while though. Let me see...yeah, it was this big yellow thing that used to rise in west each morning and turn the sky blue."

"That wasn't the sun."

"Sure it was. Big yellow thing."

"The sun wasn't yellow, it was orange. And it didn't rise in the west, it rose in the east. Anybody knows that."

"What are you talking about. Don't you think I remember what the sun looked like? Every morning it used to rise right over there by the ocean and make the whole sky blue."

"It SET over the ocean. It used to RISE over there by them hills and at night it would SET over there by the ocean."

"Weren't no sun out at night. What's wrong with you. I'm telling you I remember it as if it was yesterday and I say the sun..."

(We interrupt this blog to bring you this financial report)

"Hello everyone, and welcome to Business on Business, the business show where business reporters talk to business people about business. I'm Rebecca Powerhair and tonight I'll be speaking with Peabody S. Cummins, Chief Analyst with E.C. Pickens Advisors, a Wall Street investment firm. Mr. Cummins, welcome to the show."

"My pleasure Rebecca. It's fun being on TV."

"Yes. Now Mr Cummins we had..."

"Hi kids!"

"Excuse me."

"I was just saying hi to my kids back home in Connecticut. 'Hi kids', hee, hee, hee."

"How incredibly cute. Now Mr. Cummins, as you know the Fed issued a statement on the economy and raised interest rates another 25 basis points. What does this mean for the economy?"

"Well I think this latest move was widely anticipated by the markets, Rebecca. Furthermore, I think the markets anticipated that this would be anticipated and therefore anticipated that others would anticipate the anticipation as well. Of course, everyone anticipated this so they were not suprised that further anticipation would result and that this too would be anticipated and..."

"MR CUMMINS! Sir, if you don't mind. What does this mean for interest rates? Are we likely to see further hikes?"

"Yes, another 25 basis points in May, perhaps, and then we'll probably take a little breather."

"Interesting. Did anything else come out of the March meeting that caught your attention."

"Well, I did see a picture in one of the local papers of Mr. Bernanke picking his nose."

"Yes I saw that too. Do you think he was signalling the markets."

"Well, that's always possible. Of course it might also have been a case of him not realizing that the camera was there, but I don't think so. This was clearly a deliberate signalling on his part."

"I see. What can we expect?"

"Clearly the markets have become congested lately and need to open up."

"And you think Mr. Bernanke intends to do that in the months ahead?"

"Well, Rebecca. You know there's an old saying that the problem is not picking your nose, but what to do with the booger."

"That's unbelievably vulgar and disgusting Mr. Cummins. Frankly, sir, I'm suprised that you would think that the CNBC network or this show would stand for such a comment."

"Oh, am I on CNBC? My apologies Rebecca. I thought this was FOX."

"Mr. Peabody Cummins. Thank you for talking with us tonight."

"My pleasure."

(We now return you to the normally scheduled blog already in progress)

"Bill Schmidt. You remember Bill Schmidt?"

"Sure, Bill Schmidt. The little german fellow who had a stroke while he was riding the casino bus up to Tahoe."

"No, no, no. That was Larry Mays. Larry Mays had the stroke. I'm talking about Bill Schmidt. The guy who used to work at the bowling alley. "

"No, doesn't ring a bell. Don't think I ever met him."

"Sure you did. He used to work at the bowling alley."

"I wasn't much of a bowler, and besides, I never knew any Bill Schmidt."

"Well Bill Schmidt told me once that sometimes he wouldn't get out work until early in the morning and he'd go sit on one of the benches down by the pier and just watch the sun come up. Bill Schmidt told me that. He'd sit right there on the bench and watch the sun come up. So I know I'm right. The sun rises in the west."

"Did he say it rose over the ocean or over the hills."

"He said he sat on that bench down by the pier and watched the sun rise."

"Over the ocean? Did he say it rose over the ocean?"

"You're not listening to what I'm saying. Bill Schmidt was the fellow from the bowling alley and he told me that he sat on a bench by the pier and watched the sun rise."

"Yeah, but did he say it rose over the ocean?"

"Well, of course it did. He was sitting right there on the pier. Of course it rose over the ocean."

"Well it could of rose over the hills, you know. You can see the hills from the pier too."

"He didn't say nothing about no hills. "

"And I'm telling you that the sun rises in the east. It don't rise over the ocean and I don't care what Bill Schmidt says. "

"Well, he's dead now."

"He is?"

"Yeah. Heart attack. Couple of years ago. Poor ol' Bill."

(We interrupt this blog to bring you this important political announcement)

"Now we bring you highlights from Senator Jones' speech on immigration reform given earlier today."

"Friends, I know you're down. You're asking yourself 'What have I done Lord to deserve this?'. Well, I'm here to tell you that you've done nothing to deserve any of this. The problem isn't you, friends, it's Them."

"Them" murmurs the crowd.

"Ask yourself 'why is everything so expensive?' Well, I'll tell you. It's Their fault. Ask yourself 'why are all the factories shutting down?' Let me tell you again. It's Their fault. Ask yourself 'Why is there so much violence and crime? Why can't I feel safe walking down the street? It's Their fault, my friends. They're the ones doing this to you."

"It's Their fault" answers the crowd.

"That's right friends. Why are our soldiers dying in foreign lands? Why aren't we winning this war? It's because of Them. It's because this country cares more about Them than it does the lives of it's own citizens."

"It's Them, it's Them" roars the crowd.

"Yes, my friends. They're the ones who are sucking this country dry. It's Them that are bleeding away our resources. It's Them that are taking your jobs, it's Them that are ruining your schools, it's Them that are stealing the future from the mouths of your children."

"Them, Them, Them, Them" chants the crowd.

"So what are we to do? What are we to do about Them?"

"We'll hang 'em from the old oak tree" one woman cries.

"Are we going to let Them take our jobs?"

"No!"

"Are we going to let Them take our country?"

"No!"

"Are we going to let Them take the food from our babies mouths?"

"Get Them, get Them, get Them, get Them" the frenzied crowd screams.

"That's right, friends. I'm with you. But you know there's an election coming up and some people think a new fella ought to take this job. Someone who won't feel the way I do. Someone who'll coddle to Them. Someone who'll give in to Them. Someone who'll give Them your job and leave your family with nothing."

"We want Jones! We want Jones! We want Jones!"

"Thank you friends."

(And now we return you to the regularly scheduled blog in progress)

"Of course after Cora died I just didn't have the energy to do things anymore. Didn't matter much to me whether the sun was shining or not. I tried travelling but I didn't like going places by myself. And I tried gardening for a while, but then the arthritis starting getting worse and worse. Most days I'd just sit and watch the TV."

"Didn't your daughter come by and help?"

"My daughter? You mean Susan? Sure she'd come by every now and then and clean up the place a little. But most of the time she was too busy with her work to come and spend any time with me. Too busy jetting around the country and going to her fancy meetings to spend any time with her old dad. My daughter. Huh."

"Oh, c'mon now. I met Susan and she seemed very nice. And she's always worrying about you and asking how you're doing. I wish I had a daughter like that to come look after me."

"She's the one who put me here you know. Took me out of the house I spent my whole life working for, the house I planned to live out the rest of my life in. The house me and Cora bought and raised a family in. That was our house. She had no right to take it away from me."

"She shouldn't have done that. Better to let you die than do that."

"That's right. Better to die in your home than in a place like this. Don't mean nothing to them. People die here all the time. Better to die in you own home."

(We interrupt this blog once again for some important tech news)

"Hello, and welcome to Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California where Apple CEO Steve Jobs is scheduled to make an important announcement. We have a few minutes before the speech is slated to begin so perhaps we should take some time to interview some of the Apple faithful in attendance. Hello, what is you're name?"

"My names Zach."

"Can you tell us why you came here today?"

"To see Steve Jobs. Man, this is just so incredible."

"What are you expecting Mr. Jobs to announce? Any ideas?"

"The path, man."

"The path?"

"Yeah, you see Steve loves me."

"He loves you?"

"Yeah, I know it sounds weird, 'cause, like, you know, I'm just a nobody and all. But Steve Jobs loves me. I know he does. He loves all of us, man, and that's why we come here to hear his message. It's because he loves us and wants to show us the true path."

"Are you sure? Because, honestly, I think he just wants to sell you stuff."

"No, man, he loves us. It's like we're all put on this earth with no clue, no idea of where to go next. And Steve, he comes and he shows us the next step. He knows where to go, and we follow. Without these announcements, we'd be, like, lost, you know. Steve shows us the way."

"I see. I've heard that Apple has kind of a cult following but I wasn't expecting anything quite like this."

"Apple is the word, and Steve is the prophet."

"Yeah, ok. By the way, what's that say on your T-Shirt? 'Think Different'. Is that what that says?"

"Yeah, 'Think Different'. It's kind of like our slogan, you know. We all wear the T-Shirts."

"You mean you all wear T-Shirts that say 'Think Different'. Doesn't that seem a little strange to you? Everybody wearing the same shirt that says 'Think Different'".

"You don't get it, man. Apple gets it. Nobody else gets it, but Apple gets it."

"Yes, but it seems contradictory, you know. 'Think Different' and everybody wearing the same thing."

"Apple just gets it, man. You don't get it. Apple get's it."

"Well it looks like there's been some kind of delay down here at Apple headquarters so we'll throw it back to you in the newsroom. Hopefully, we'll have something for you a little later in the newscast."

(We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog in progress)

"Well, whatever way the sun rises it doesn't look like we're ever gonna see it again. Least not in our lifetimes, eh Harve? Harve? Hey Harvey, you asleep?"

Zzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Yeah, looks like you dozed off. I'm feeling pretty tired myself. Hey Nurse. Nurse. I'd like to go back to my room now."

"So soon? Did you and Mr. Cznewski have a nice little talk?"

"We argued. For an hour and a half we argued. What do you expect from a couple of old goats."

"What we're you arguing about?"

"The sun."

"?"

"Don't ask. Listen, I'd like to go back to my room and lie down for a little while."

"Okay, I'll ask Joaquin to take you back up."

"Tell him to hurry, will you. I don't know how long I can hold my bladder."

"He'll be right out. Just wait right there."

"Sure I'll wait here. Where am I gonna go? Down to the Copacabana for a little cha-cha-cha?"

"Joaquin, can you take Mr. Myers back to his room."

"Sure. All tired out from your long day, Mr. Myers."

"I gotta pee."

"Well, try to hang on till we get you back to your room, ok. Joaquin don't mind wheeling you around but he sure don't want to do any mop duty today, ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just hurry up will you."

"Have you there in a jiffy. How about Harvey? You want me to wake him up so you can say goodbye?"

"No, let him sleep. I got nothing to say to him anyways."

"You're the boss. Hang on, now. We wouldn't want to lose you in the elevator."

"Save the jokes and hurry it up before I make a mess down here, ok?"