Quick Hits

Ok, I've never tried a quicke blog, so here goes.

First the technology news: ZDnet reports that Microsoft is working with OEMs to develop a Mini Tablet PC. According to the article the form factor is rumored to be bigger than a PDA but smaller than a regular-sized Tablet PC. If it's true then we may finally see the type of device I have long been looking for, with enough screen size to make web surfing and other common tasks actually doable on a portable device, but still small and light enough to easily carry around the house or on a trip. No details were announced but if they can fit a keyboard on it (a slider maybe?) and deliver respectable battery life then count me in.

Technolgy news part 2: Oops, looks like Lexis-Nexis might have kind of accidently leaked personal data on about 310,000 consumers, sort of. Well, what can you say really. It's only our social security numbers and bank account numbers and credit card numbers, etc... Is that such a big deal? The part I like about this whole mess is that the credit bureaus tell us that if our information has been compromised we can put a freeze on our credit reports. This means that no one can open a new credit card or take out a new loan in our name without our authorization. Oh, and by the way, if we do want to give our authorization to open a new account then there will be $10.00 charge for each new account opened. What a deal! Some information broker screws up and we're the ones that have to pay the credit bureaus to keep our records secure. In the business world that 's what they call "having you by the balls."

Financial News: Stocks finished sharply lower today on news that American's aren't buying enough stuff. So America I begging you, I'm pleading with you, I'm down on my news. Please, please go out and buy more stuff, will ya'. My retirement is depending on it.

State News: Dear friends, as we gather here today to remember the once promising career of Governor Arnold let us take a moment to consider the notion of hubris, and let us also consider knowing how and when to pick your fights. As it becomes clear that the governership of Arnold Schwarzenegger is now effectively dead in the water, and as it is only right that we give the democrats a few moments to gather 'round his grave and begin their victory dance, let us further reflect on just what it is that they have won. The budget is stil a mess, more bonds will be issued to get us through the next fiscal year, and the power brokers that were pulling the strings yesterday will still be pulling the strings tomorrow. We bid you farewell, Arnold, and give thanks to the status quo.

Local News: Dateline San Jose, California 10 April 2005. The Cheerleaders of San Jose State have been suspended by the University after performing a routine at a basketball game that one elderly fan described as "vulgar" and a "burlesque, with bumps and grinds." The suspension comes amid a recent flurry of complaints about the general moral decline of our country and its institutions. "Whatever happened to wholesomeness" one man complained. "Why I've got a daughter myself and I can tell you I'd never allow her to go around flaunting herself like that, dancing in public and making herself up to be sexually attractive. God only knows what's going through the minds of those men." Asked to comment his daughter added "But Dad, I'm 37 years old." Reminded that audiences once considered the dancing of Elvis Presley obscene only later to see it as a no more than a tempest in a teapot, the man replied "No daugther of mine. No sir, no daughter of mine." The University will decide later this year on further guidelines and the future of the cheerleading program. Meanwhile I'm just sitting here kicking myself and asking how I could have been so foolish as to miss that game.

Do They Have Cable TV In Heaven?

I was driving past the gas station today and the one sign said "Regular Unleaded $264.9" and the sign next to it said "Cigarettes $2.59 pk". Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it strange that heart and lung disease now costs less in California than a gallon of gas. Seemed strange to me, and the next time someone comes up to me and says "life is cheap" I can tell them "No you're wrong. Death is actually a nickel cheaper."

Being the financially prudent type myself, I chewed on this awhile and came to the conclusion that budgetarily speaking it wouldn't be such a bad idea to sell my car and start smoking cigarettes. After all, a penny saved is a penny earned you know, but then events which have been so prominent in the news lately made that plan seem less worthy - or should I say stupid. So rather than surrender to my prudent, rational self I decided to give in to my more spendthrift, irrational self and go out and buy a new DVD player instead. Granted, this has no express relationship to either cigarettes or the price of gasoline, but does show that a person has to break the mold every now and then and doing something foolish, if only to avoid being ambushed by the corruptive influences of too much good sense.

So, I took this uncashed gift card I got last christmas and went down to the local electronics superstore, fiercely determined that come hell or high water I was going to be rid of it and find something to spend it on. The computer stuff didn't interest me, nor did the cameras and telephones and movies, etc..., but I did have this 6 or 7 year old DVD player at home and figured I could use something newer that would play movies and mp3's and jpeg's and all those formats that were hopelessly beyond my old antique. And while I was at it, I figured, why not get one of those new ones that can record DVD's as well as play them. That way I could back up some of those movies and TV shows I had on my TIVO and put them away for safekeeping.

And so I walked into the store with a gift card and walked out with a new DVD player/recorder.

That's what I'm going to blog on tonight - my new Toshiba D-VR4SU Hi-Fi VCR & DVD Video Recorder. First let me say there were cheaper recorders available and some well under the $200.00 I paid out of pocket after cashing in my gift card, but I've always had good luck with Toshiba in the past and so that's the one I got. Anyways, who cares why I bought this particular model - let me just pass on my experiences to others who might be considering buying one for themselves.

My experiences:

Let me begin by saying it works just fine, and by that I don't mean it worked fine the first time I tried to use it, only that after some trial and error I finally figured out how to get the thing set up and working the way I want it to. The unit ships with a remote, some batteries, an RCA cable and a coaxial cable for those still getting their TV over an antenna. The unit also has connections for S-Video, Component Video and Digital Audio (both coax and optical), but cables for those connections are not included. As an added bonus they also bundle in some extra packing paper in the form of something jokingly referred to as the "Owners Manual". My advice is that after unpacking the unit, immediately throw the "Owners Manual" in the nearest trashcan. I guarantee this will save you hours of confusion and frustration.

Being the naive type, I didn't throw away the manual and after following the instructions for hooking up my satellite box (or cable box as referred to in the manual - same difference), I happily spent the next hour or so checking cables, connections and settings and trying to figure out why I wasn't getting any picture. The manual kept saying to tune the tuner on the DVD recorder to channels 3 and 4 and you should be able to see your TV signal, but all I was getting was a big, blue, empty screen full of nothing. Finally I started playing around with all the settings and drilling down through all the setup menus and discovered a spot on the DVD tuner called "Line Input". I changed the channel to Line Input and presto - I finally got my picture. I then went back through the manual and I swear to you "Line Input" is not mentioned anywhere. Typical, I guess.

So now I had the picture coming from my TIVO piped through my DVD Recorder and it was time to burn a disc. This was remarkably easy and anyone who has ever taped anything with a VCR would have no problems with it. In fact, it's exactly the same with both one-touch recording and timer recording available. Just put a blank DVD-R or DVD-RW in the machine, start the recording and that's it. I should mention that this model will also record to DVD-RAM but since most DVD players and computers can't read DVD-RAM discs I don't know why you would want to use it. Still, it's available.

After the recording is done the last step is to "close" or "finalize" the disk. This is only necessary if you want to take the recorded DVD and play it in some other machine. I'm guessing you probably do, so you will need to enter a setup menu, drill down a couple of levels and tell the machine to "finalize" the disc. Once this is done you have yourself a nice little DVD that you can st0re away or give to a friend or whatever.

At least that's the theory.

In actual use there can be problems. The one I ran into on the my first burn attempt was this thing called "title editing". I don't want to go into great detail here but let me just summarize and say that before finalizing the disc you have the option of editing the titles of the videos contained on the disc. By default the machine names them by date and time (I think), but if you want to give the videos a more descriptive names you can. This seemed pretty cool to me so after my first burn I tried changing the title to the name of the TV show I recorded. It went smoothly enough but after I finalized the disc and tried to play it on my computer it spit it right back in my face with an "unrecognized format" error. This was not what I expected and when I explored the disc I found that VOB file containing the actual video played just fine, but the VOB containing the title was hopelessly mangled. Moral of the story - don't mess with title editing unless you've got some spare blanks and feel like experimenting. I just leave the titles alone and have had nothing but clean burns since. The DVD's play on all of my computers and on my housemate's DVD player as well.

The only other problem I've had with the DVD portion of this unit is that it gets confused a lot between the different types of discs I throw at it. In fact the "C104 - Disc cannot be recognized" error is pretty common and it usually takes more than one process of opening and closing the DVD tray to get it to correctly identify the disc, whether it is a commerical DVD, a DVD-R, a DVD-RW, and so on. Sometimes even opening and closing the tray doesn't work and I've had to shut off the unit completely and restart it before it would recognize the disc. It's very annoying, but once the disc is recognized I've never had any problems playing or recording.

The VCR portion of the machine works as expected and it's nice being able to replace both DVD player and VCR with just one machine. Like most combo VCR/DVD Recorder units the Toshiba can also dub from Tape to DVD and vice-versa, but I haven't actually dubbed a tape yet so I can't comment on that. I can tell you that it won't dub commercial VHS tapes to DVD though, because I did try that and it didn't work. The tape I tried to dub is an old Cranberries Concert video that has apparently been Macrovisioned, and when I tried to dub it the machine immediately stopped and gave me a "CR254 - Naughty, naughty, naughty" error, or something like that. It's unfortunate, but understandable. Just forget about dubbing anything copy protected and you should be fine for everything else.

So that's my little Toshiba D-VR4SU consumer review. The manual stinks but the machine works as advertised. It records DVD-R, DVD-RW, DVD-RAM and VHS tapes, and plays DVD's, VHS tapes, CD's, CD-R's, CD-RW's, VCD's, and SVCD's. Iit's nice being able to move stuff off of my TIVO and onto DVD where I can put it in permanent storage or manipulate it into other formats, and although there are some minor problems with the unit, overall I'm pretty pleased.

Of course there are other methods available for recording video and I've considered them, but having a dedicated DVD Recorder works if you don't have a computer in your living room or don't want to run a bunch of cables back and forth. A hard drive inside the unit would be nice but s0 far the hard drive DVD Recorder's are over my budget. Besides, I have a TIVO so a hard drive would be a little redundant.

Anyways, the prices are coming down and people looking to replace their DVD players might want to consider getting a recorder. I know I heard the horror stories when they first came out but they seem to be getting the bugs worked out, and even though Blu-Ray and HD-DVD are coming these current Recorders are still inexpensive enough to be a good interim solution.

Verdi, Verdi, Verdi, Verdi, Verdi

"I wish I was into jazz."

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean people who are into jazz are cool, you know."

"Says who?"

"Says me, that's who. C'mon man, admit it. Jazz is just so cool."

"I like opera, and the classics."

"Well so do I but face it - opera ain't cool. In fact, it's like 180 degrees from cool, man. It's like cool times a negative one, you know what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, well so what. I still like opera and I don't care how cool it is or not. Besides, jazz ain't cool - rap is cool. Hip-hop is cool. Jazz is like, well, who listens to jazz anyways?"

"No, man, hip-hop isn't cool. Hip-hop is hip, but it ain't cool."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Hip-hop is the mainstream, man. That makes it hip, but it don't make it cool. If you want to be cool you got be out there on the fringes, you know, off the radar."

"Dude, what you been smoking? Hip-hop is mainstream, and it's cool. The clothes are cool, the talk is cool...it's just cool, ok. "

"Naw, it ain't. I'm telling 'ya. Jazz is cool. Hip-hop is the culture, it's what everyone is into. You can't be cool if your just doing the same thing everyone else is. But jazz... I mean, no one listens to jazz. That what makes it so cool."

"Now you're just being stupid. No one listens to opera either and that don't make it cool."

"Yeah, but people who listen to hip-hop and rock and all that stuff - they know deep down in their hearts that if they was really cool then they'd be listening to jazz. I mean, they know that if they was sophisticated and cultured and had lot's of women then they'd be into jazz too. It's like deep down they know that's something they should aspire to even if they don't like the music or understand it. But no one who listens to rock aspires to listen to the opera. Not unless they want to be a nerd."

"Yeah, ok, I get your point, but I still say that jazz don't make you cool. I mean you used to listen to jazz and that never made you cool, did it? Damn, besides, the only people who listen to jazz are college professors and black intellectuals and they don't seem very cool to me."

"Yeah, I used to listen to jazz but it didn't take me very far. Oh man, 'The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady'. Did you ever listen to that record? I swear, that was just too good to be jazz. If there was more like that I would have listened longer, but a lot of the jazz I heard just sounded like new opinions on the same old topics. It was still cool though."

"Whatever. You know what jazz don't have though? It don't have sex and violence, that's what. I mean, just go to the movies and turn on the TV and it's like the whole world is crazy for sex and violence. That's why people like the hip-hop and the rock, and that's what makes opera cooler than jazz. Opera's full of sex and violence. People want that. That's why people don't like jazz, it's TOO cool, man. People want a little heat with their music, you know what I mean."

"Now who's being stupid. Jazz is nothing but sex, man. Damn, people go to bars and get drunk when they listen to jazz. There's all kinds of drugs and violence and jealous lovers hanging around those kinds of places, man. That's why it's so cool. They aren't looking at sex and violence on some movie screen or on some stage - they're living it, man. When's the last time you saw a bar fight break out at the opera house."

"That's bull, man. That's just plain bull. You mean to tell me that when McCoy Tyner is up there playing and stuff that the people in the audience are out there murdering and fornicating and getting into bar fights? Right. I'd like to see that."

"Ok, ok, but still you know as well as I do that sex and violence at the opera ain't the same as it is in the movies or on TV."

"Sure it is."

"Bull. You been to any movies lately? When people die in the movies they show everything, man, and I mean everything. You get to see the flesh explode and blood flying and the brains and stuff all falling out. Man, you go the opera and some guy dies and all he does is lay down on the ground and start singing an aria or something. It's so phony, man. Nothing like it is in the movies."

"Well people at the opera don't want to see the tenors brains start falling out if that's what you mean. That don't mean that the opera can't be just as depraved as the movies, does it? Hell, what about Rigoletto? That's pretty depraved, isn't it? I mean you got kidnapping and rape and assassination and murder for hire and a deformed old hunchback and filicide and..."

"Naw, it wasn't actually filicide. Still, Rigoletto's pretty depraved. "

"Yeah, wouldn't that be like the perfect opera to go to for your first opera? Especially for a teenager. I mean teenagers are into that nihilism and death and maiming and stuff. They'd probably dig opera if it was really depraved like Rigoletto."

"Especially if they could modernize it, you know. Make the Duke a drug lord and make Sparafucile and ex-CIA agent who turned bad or something. Then at the end when Rigoletto opens the sack maybe you could have Gilda's guts spill out all over the stage..."

"You really got this thing for seeing peoples guts hanging out, don't you?"

"Naw, I just mean they should modernize it. You know how they're always talking about how they should try to introduce opera to younger audiences, well, you know, you gotta change with the times if you want to keep the kids interested."

"You mean if you want to be cool."

"Yeah, if you want to be cool."

"Then you're saying that opera is cool?"

"No, I'm saying opera is depraved. Jazz is cool."

Cut And Paste (In The Key of G)

Now, more than ever, what the top-selling pop artist needs is looks. Sure, attractiveness has always been part of the equation, but with the growing dominance of the producer and sound engineer these days it seems like even the merest of talents can make it to the top if they're good looking enough and have the right kind of studio talent. I say that from the perspective of a listener not an insider, of course, but just look at the CD covers and listen to the music and tell me I'm wrong. It's abundantly clear that technology has finally completed it's triumph over art, and to prove my point all you have to do is look at the mashup.

Have you heard these things? They've been around for a while and just seem to be getting more and more popular every day, though lord knows why. Let me backup a bit. For all of you non-hipsters out there I should probably explain that a mashup is just this thing you get when a person takes different songs or pieces of songs or pieces or whatever and meshes them together into a sort of hybrid noise strung together with a loud, pulsing electronic beat. They're quite common on the internet and in podcasts and the beauty of the mashup is that you don't need an artist to create one - all you need is technology. Well, no, the engineers and technologists on the internet call them art, but I have my doubts.

To tell the truth, mashups remind me of those collages we used to make in junior high art class. If you remember, the collage was a wonderful thing because even the most hamhanded artistic wannabes, the supremely ungifted who couldn't draw a line or make the simplest gumby-like clay sculpture, could nevertheless make a collage. All you had to do was cut some pictures and things out of a magazine and paste them onto a piece of posterboard and voila- instant Rauschenberg!

That's the idea behind the mashup, anyways, and though there are technical skills involved, I can't bring myself to call it art. A folk art, maybe, like quilting, but not "art" art. Ok, maybe I'm just being condescending here. There is certainly nothing wrong with quilting or mashups and they certainly take more skill to produce than I have, and if millions of people enjoy them then more power to them. Still...

Maybe I should backup a bit. The only reason I'm even talking about this is because of an old Dan Hicks record I was listening to today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. The old man's getting nostalgic on us. He's reminiscing about the good 'ol days and how they don't make 'em like they used to, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, so maybe I am.

That's what happens to you when you get older, you know. Somewhere along the line you pass a tipping point and the simple truths of the past start looking more attractive to you than the false hopes for the future. I don't know where the exact meridian is, but I'm sure has something to do with experience and the knowledge that far too often the gains aren't worth the losses. You'll get old someday and understand what I mean.

Anyways, I was listening to Dan Hicks and it just occured to me that this is something you'll never hear again; a popular music built on acoustic instruments, simple harmonies, tight musicianship and execution. Nope, you'll never hear the likes of that again. Technology has taken over, almost like it has become the antonym of art.

Which brings me to what I really want to talk about.

The difference between art and technology, you see, is a lot like the difference between fiction and nonfiction. Nonfiction gives you the facts and the details, and yet can be strangely ambiguous or inconclusive as to the actual truth. In most cases, I've found that fiction actually comes closer to the real, universal truths than nonfiction does. To know the facts you need the journalist or documentarian; to know the truth you need the imagery and imagination of the novelist or poet.

That's why I've always thought that computers (strictly nonfiction machines) have such a terrible time of showing any real intelligence. I mean, to perform even the simplest task a computer requires endless detail and instruction, each step carefully laid out, each contigency anticipated and responded to. Vary from the program even a little and the computer is lost. Why? Because it has no imagination. It only has the tools and materials it was given and it's list of appointed tasks.

So what is missing from the mashup? It's simple. The creative concept. Imagination. Truth.

But then, those are old-fashioned things, aren't they. All we ask for in these modern times are consumables, not truths. Technology we can buy to occupy our time and keep the silence and the boredom away. Ahhh, these modern times. I wonder if Beethoven were alive today if he would be composing or just sitting at a mixing board doing mashups?

Yeah I know - he'd be doing mashups.

Let's just be grateful he isn't alive today.

If You Want It, Here It Is, Come And Get It
(But You Better Hurry 'Cause It's Going Fast)

For the older generation, or should I say for the non-techie population, the news probably passed unnoticed. The Supreme Court is hearing arguments in the case of MGM vs. Grokster, and as hundreds of millions of Americans yawn a chill is being felt throughout the global tech community. "Why is that?", you ask. Well, if you buy all the hype and hyperbole, this is a case which will decide America's technology future, or at least the future of file-sharing over so-called P2P networks. For those of you not up on your internet lingo, P2P is the technology so much in the news these past few years that allows the wholesale distribution of copyrighted materials to millions of internet users each day. I realize this whole subject may seem a bit obtuse to those who aren't tuned in to the P2P scene so let me try to explain what's going on.

First of all, don't believe everything you read on the internet (except for this blog, of course). While it's true that the internet is a vast, diverse ocean of thought and ideas, venturing out into the water quickly makes it clear that for all it's breadth its deepest point the it is no more than a few inches deep. In fact I'd characterize it as a very incestuous place, endlessly self-referential, and constantly parroting the same opinions, discarding the same facts, and shouting down the same people who challenged its most sacred and misguided assumptions. If you want to know how many gigaflops that new processor can do, or what the temperature in Jefferson, Mississippi might be, the internet is the place to go. Otherwise, I'd sooner trust an email asking me for my bank account number than the internet, at least when it comes to diverse or divergent points of view.

As a case in point, let's look at MGM vs. Grokster. Go to any techie website, read any techie blog or news report, browse any techie forum and I guarantee you will find mimicked there the same P2P oath that no self-respecting internet junkie would ever dare speak against.

"It's just like back in the 70's when they (they being the evil 'them') tried to outlaw the VCR."

"What are they talking about?", you ask. Well let me try to explain. You see, according to the unofficial hardcore techie creed new technology is good, subverting the status quo is good, and free...well, that's best of all. Conversely, asking accountability of new technology is bad, law and order is bad, and, worst of all, asking payment is downright obscene. You have to understand the creed before you understand their position.

And so the techie argument goes like this. Back in the 70's there was this new technology called the VCR which the TV networks and the Hollywood studios were sure would be the death of their industries. They filed a lawsuit charging that VCR's should be made illegal because they allowed people to violate their copyrights and make unauthorized copies of their properties. The case eventually made it to the Supreme Court and the Court decided that since the VCR had substantial non-infringing uses the manufacturers could not be held liable for the acts of those who used the machines for illegal purposes. In other words, the media companies lost and we all got to keep our VCR's. I may have misplaced a fact or two along the way but I'm sure I got the gist of it right.

Now we fast-forward to the 21st century and we have this new technology called P2P that techies argue is the same old VCR thing all over again. Like brainwashed acolytes they parrot that the media companies are trying to restrict our access to new technologies by holding technology companies responsible for the illegal actions of its users, just like they failed to do back in the 70's.

And here's where I part company with the techies.

Now hear me on this because it's important. (In fact you may want to take 0ut a pencil and paper and write this down) If you understand nothing else about this issue understand this: The techies are lying to you America, and they know it. Let me repeat that for emphasis. The techies, and by that I mean the technology companies, their lawyers, and the tech community at large, are LYING to you. "What is the lie?", you ask. It's simply this.

P2P, unlike the VCR, is not a reproduction technology - it is a distribution technology.

So what, you ask. Is there a difference? Let me explain. In order to distribute millions and millions of copies of copyrighted works over the internet you need two things: Some means of copying the content off of the CD or DVD or cable or satellite network, etc..., and some means of distributing the content to other users. The first step, the copying, is easily done and there are literally hundreds of programs out there that will copy or "rip" CD's and DVD's and dozens of devices that will capture content off of an audio or video source and transfer it to your computer. When the techies talk about the VCR this is what they are really talking about, because this is really the only part of the process analagous to VCR's and the taping of TV shows that we are all familiar with.

However, the second part of the process is much different and is made possible largely by the ease with which digital content (as opposed to the analog content found on those old VHS tapes) can be transferred over the vastness of the internet. Digital content, it turns out, is very portable and compressable and amenable to the distribution models that P2P networks like Grokster and Streamcast are happy to provide and profit from.

Now I don't want to confuse anyone by going into the why's and where's of P2P technology, but you should be aware that there is nothing even remotely analagous to P2P in the VCR world. In fact, a good analogy for P2P would not be the VCR but rather cable TV. Again, remember, Grokster is not a copying program, it is not "ripping" software, and the techies that tell you it is are liars. Just like the cable company, Grokster is a conduit and facilitator for the distribution of content. The cable companies distribute content over their private networks, and the Grokster's of the world distribute it over the internet. However, with one important difference.

The content coming over your cable box has been paid for. Licenses have been bought, royalties have been paid. The content coming over Grokster is stolen. Well, I should say 'technically' it's been stolen, because we have to remember the techie creed. Free is good. The air is free, the sky is free, butterflies are free - why shouldn't CD's and DVD's be free too? If I can take it and you can't stop me, then that's just an expression of my freedom, isn't it. Can't we all be brothers? (I could go on but I feel a Jesse Colin Young song coming on)

Anyways, everywhere you go on the internet that's the argument you hear, and one that I think leads to an obvious question. If Grokster wins this case, shouldn't the cable companies and satellite companies also be allowed to distribute unlicensed (i.e. stolen) content over their networks? Shouldn't Comcast or Time-Warner be allowed to add bootlegged movies to their Pay-per-view lineup? Well, it's just a thought, and besides, we all know the consequences of Grokster losing this case would be far worse. Why Xerox machines be illegal if that happens. Right? Oh wait a minute. I almost forgot - Xerox makes copy machines, don't they?

Damn, there's that lie again.

On The Evolution Of The Species

Enough about me. What I want to know is how do YOU pass the time when you're having your bowel movements? Do you just sit there? Do you talk on the phone? Do you read? Oh no, don't tell me you're one of those people who scribble things on the wall. You are? Why? Is it boredom? Is it the illicit thrill of writing forbidden words? Is it because the visceral feel of having your underwear wrapped around your ankles just somehow brings out your natural expressive instincts? Well, I have a theory about this, and like it or not you're gonna hear it.

My theory is that there are three kinds of people in this world. The first are the happy and carefree Bruce Willis types who truly enjoy their bowel movement and joyfully, and sometimes quite poetically, sing its praises. The second are the serious and self-important Jerry Falwell types who find their bowel movement humiliating and dirty and often write cruel, smutty missives full of foul language and hateful speech as a means of venting their feelings of disgust and debasement. There are a lot of those types around these days. And then there is the third type. People like me who find their bowel movement a necessary inconvenience and would rather be done with the process entirely, or at least as quickly as possible. We don't write on the walls of toilet stalls and merely wonder at those who do, generally keeping our opinions to ourselves and spending our creative energies on more urgent and pressing matters.

Like blogging, which, after all, is just the internet equivalent of toilet stall graffiti. Well, this blog is at least.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand, I think it's true that most of us who don't write spend our bowel time reading newspapers and magazines and books and things like that. I know I do and I really get tired of the remark you hear sometimes.

"Geez, what were you doing in there? Reading a Book?"

To which I reply,

"Well...yeah, actually I was. What do you do when you're in there? Draw dirty pictures?"

What can I say. I read when I'm in there, and I think some of my most peaceful literary moments have come while perched upon that throne. Peaceful, that is, when I remember to bring along something to read. Oftentimes I forget and when that happens I usually find the experience anything but peaceful. I don't know if you've ever been in that situation, but when I don't have anything to read in there I desperately start looking around for something to occupy my eyeballs. A medicine bottle, a tube of toothpaste, a can of hairspray - anything. Something with printing on it so that I can get my mind off of the business at hand.

Which brings me to the real subject of this blog. You see, there I was today, sitting in my usual spot with nothing to read and panic setting in, when I turned to the right and what should I see but a stick of anti-perspirant sitting next to the sink. Perfect, I thought, and so I picked it up and started reading.

Warning! For external use only.

Ok, I wasn't planning on eating it anyways.

Uses: Reduces underarm wetness.

Well, that's sort of stating the obvious, isn't it. And then I read the next paragraph.

Active Ingredient: Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex.

That's when I freaked out. I mean, did you know know that they were putting Aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrex in that stuff? I know I didn't, and if I did I certainly would have insisted on an explanation. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you came home and there was some scientist in your bathroom telling you

"Mr. Myers, we have some bad news for you. Our team has detected high concentrations of Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex in you bathroom."

"Well get it out of there, dammit!"

"Please don't be alarmed Mr. Myers. It's perfectly safe."

"Like hell it is. If you don't get that stuff out of there I'm gonna call the cops, and then I'm call my congressman, and then I'm gonna call my lawyer. You understand what I'm saying to you."

But I'm just being foolish, aren't I? Of course it's safe. A little Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex never hurt anyone. What it really points out is how strange an animal we human beings really are. I mean, just think about it. You never see apes or monkeys or any of your other lower primates rubbing Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex over their skin and into their hairy pores, do you. No, of course not. Only homo sapiens does that, and I bet the rest of the animal kingdom has got to be scratching their heads and thinking what a really weird thing that is to do. Just imagine the scene if chimpanzee teachers were to take their students on field trips to the zoo to see the humans on display.

"Teacher, teacher, what's that man doing?"

"Oh well, you see, human beings are very clean animals, dear. When they get up in the morning they always wash themselves off with water and coat their skins with Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex."

"But why teacher, why?"

"We're not really sure, dear, but we think it part of the mating process. You see, millions of years of evolution have taught male humans that female humans are less likely to reject them as potential mates if they don't smell like day old underwear. We believe that the Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex helps mask this smell and make the females more receptive to the male's advances."

"I don't understand teacher?"

"Neither do I, dear. But the animal world is full of many strange and mysterious things."

"Yeah, that's really weird. But teacher, if humans are so clean then why is that male over there bending over and picking his toes. Why is he doing that, teacher. Why?"

"Which male? Where dear?"

"Over there teacher. Don't you see him. Eeew, he's picking crud out from under his toenails and sniffing it with his nose. Eeewwww..."

"Oh, yes, I see him. That is disgusting, isn't it. I tell you what - why don't we go over and look at the tigers now. Ok?"

"Eeeeeewwwww...."

Well, I'm sure I've just brushed the surface of this topic. Some of you may want to do some further research on your own so I recommend a visit to www.speedstick.com. It's really a wonderful resource full of FAQ's and product news and even a product selection tool for those of you who may be wondering just what anti-persperant is right for you. One more resource you might try is Colgate World of Care which answers a question I know I've often asked.

"What anti-persperant is rec0mmended for vegetarians?"

Well, if you want to know the answer is here.

Here Comes The Sun

Greetings from Tornado Alley. Yeah, really. We had a tornado here in the Bay Area this past week and it was so weird - one week it's sunny and 85 degrees and the next week we've got rain and wind and tornados and all kinds of crazy stuff happening. Reminded me of that Dennis Quaid movie where everything is normal and we're all just driving around in our SUV's and then all of a sudden the atmosphere starts freezing and the oceans turn to ice and there's tornados in L.A. and planes are crashing and people are dying and there's this big sucking thing happening over Minnesota and we all have to evacuate to Mexico before or we all die and...

Hey, it could happen.

Anyways, I didn't come here to talk about the weather. I came to talk about gift cards, and in particular about a $65.00 gift card I currently have in my wallet for a major electronics store. I got the card last Christmas and I thought it was very nice and thoughtful present and was genuinely grateful to receive it, but the problem is it's almost the end of March now and I still haven't used it. Which brings me to the point I'm trying to make.

Like I said the card is from a well known electronics retailer who I don't want to name or libel in anyways, so let's just call it Pest Pie. There are many Pest Pie stores around the country and they sell a variety of electronic goods ranging from TV's to computers to digital cameras to stereos to cell phones to...well, suffice it to say that if it has anything to do with audio or video or computing they sell it. They are, in fact, an electronics supermarket, and anyone who knows me and my attraction to all things electronic would naturally assume that a Pest Pie gift card would be the perfect Christmas gift, and they would be right. Yet, for some reason, the card still sits in my wallet unused.

What is going on here?

Well, two things really. The first is that it's hard to buy anything at Pest Pie for $65.00. Oh sure, you look at the ads and it looks like there's plenty of stuff to by at that price, but if you look a little closer you see that there is more going on here than meets the eye. For example, in the ad you see the latest electronic wonder gadget selling for a ridiculously low price of just $49.95 and you say "Wow, I can get one of those", but then you look a little closer and you notice that the advertised price is not really the price you are going to be charged. You might have to squint but it's right there in tiny black print at the bottom of the ad.

"In store price $999.95 less $500.00 mfr. mail-in rebate less $300.00 Pest Pie mail-in rebate less $150.00 special promotion mail-in rebate = $49.95 final cost."

Oh, I get it. That $49.95 price is not the real price, that's just the teaser price. In actual dollar terms you $65.00 gift card is still going to leave you about $835.00 short. Well, that's ok, it's just a matter of sending in a form and waiting for the check to come back, right? So then you go to the store and read the rebate offer and they've got all this paperwork for you to fill out and copy and mail in and then they say you've got to allow them 12-15 weeks to process your rebate and send out your check and of course by that time they're hoping you'll have forgotten about it or lost all your paperwork so you won't have any evidence to back you up when you call them up and ask where your rebate check is, and then it dawns on you. What a scam, and apparently a pretty successful one too judging by all the rebate deals they offer. Sheesh, you can't even buy a 50 cent pack of gum at Pest Pie without doing some kind of rebate - "In store price $9.99 less $9.00 mfr. mail-in rebate less $0.49 Pest Pie mail-in rebate = $0.50 final cost."

So that's the first problem I'm having with the gift card. The second and more fundamental problem I'm having is that there is just nothing at Pest Pie that I want to buy. I've been down there a couple of times already and gone all throughout the store and I just can't find anything. I know I've blogged on this before, but it's still true - I've got all the electronics I need and I don't want any more. That $65.00 gift card might as well be for Mary Kay cosmetics for all the good it's doing me. It's just so sad.

So instead of just letting it expire I was thinking maybe I'd get one of those new Sony PSP's that go on sale tomorrow. You know the really cool looking ones. They cost a lot more than $65.00 but the card will give me a nice discount. Unfortunately that's no good either because they'll be sold out of those pretty quick, and besides I don't know what I'd do with a game machine even if I had one. I don't play many videogames anymore and certainly not the console kind, so the fact that I'd even consider buying one just shows how effective the whole Sony hype machine has been. Just think, even people who don't play Playstation games want one. That's good marketing, and I can just see myself camping out in front of the local Pest Pie tonight just so that I can buy the latest cool thing and let it fill the big whole in my life for the next month or two until the next cool thing comes along and leaves me yearning and empty all over again.

You see, that's the way it is when you're an electronics junkie.

Only now I'm thinking maybe I've changed. A $65.00 gift card and no desire to use it. It's kind of spiritual, really, and liberating. Maybe this is a new path, a new beginning, a new...

Oh God, I hope this doesn't mean I'm going to start eating organic foods and listening to Yanni records.

Just Because I've Got Nothing To Talk About That Doesn't Mean I've Got Nothing To Say

By now I'm sure we've all had a chance to finish this month's Opera News so let's discuss it, shall we? Might as well since I don't have much else to blog on tonight.

Let's see, Placido Domingo is on the cover and the big story, of course, is his grueling schedule. It's all old news for Domingo fans but incredible nonetheless. In the span of about a month he sings the title role in Idomeneo in L.A., sings Siegmud in Die Walkure at the Met, conducts Carmen in both New York and L.A., and still fulfills his duties as general director of both the Los Angeles and Washington National Operas. And then you can add to all that all the preparation he is doing for a couple of upcoming projects he has set for later this year. How does he do it?

Glad you asked because I was wondering that myself. No one could possibly do all those things and be all those places without dropping dead from exhaustion. I knew this needed further investigation and I started by picking up the magazine and making a good, careful study his picture on the cover. You know, really look at man, see what makes him tick. And that's when it struck me. The frozen expression, the stiff pose, the strange vacant look in his eyes, it all pointed to one thing -

Placido Domingo is a borg.

Look for yourself if you don't believe me. Sure, I'll admit it's a good disguise, but there is something undeniably borg-like about that picture. Something mechanical and alien and unnatural and one can only wonder how many other borg's are out there in our studios and opera houses. Hmmm, I'll leave that for you to discuss among yourselves.

Continuing on with the Opera News...There is a shocking Der Rosenkavalier exposé on page 31. Turns out that the real 1760's Vienna was nothing at all like the one described in Hugo von Hofmannsthal's libretto. Yeah, really. No kidding. My God, such a scandal! I'm sure we'll see Mike Wallace busting down doors and demanding answers on an upcoming 60 Minutes. Oh well. I love the magazine but sometimes it seems like opera people get themselves worked up over the littlest things. I think they need outside hobbies.

Ok, continuing on...Here's an interesting little item on page 37. The Houston Grand Opera is announcing it's 50th Anniversary Gala Concert with Renee Fleming, Elton John, and others TBA. Wait a second did I read that right? Renee Fleming and Elton John? Elton John? Not that "Elton John"? Geez, when did he make his operatic debut? I don't know about you but I'm not exactly sure which would be scarier - Elton John singing "E lucevan le stelle" or Renee Fleming singing "Crocodile Rock". Just pick your poison I guess. Oh well, I'm sure it'll all work out, and besides we all know that Sir Elton is a bona fide opera luminary now that he has taken that awful Aida score that Verdi wrote and re-worked it as a Disney extravaganza. Bravo, I say, bravo Elton.

Anything else to talk about in the Opera News...not really. Just the usual back of the book kind of stuff. You know, subscription offers and opera tours and things like that, although I can never figure out why anyone would want to go all the way to Milan or Prague just to see an opera. Seems like an expensive night out to me and a bit unnecessary. I guess if you need an excuse to go to Prague then an opera is as good an excuse as any, but it does seem to add to this image of opera goers as rich and spoiled (and they wonder why so many people are turned off by opera). Personally, for myself, I say if you want to go to the opera then go to the opera. Don't worry that you aren't rich enough or haven't read enough books, and don't think you have to travel all the way to Milan or Prague just to see a good one.

There, got that off my chest.

Last but not least I guess we should turn to page 13. Now isn't that a lovely young soprano there, and isn't it nice to see a singer who doesn't have a weight problem for a change. I certainly don't want to make a big deal out of this and I'm certainly not someone to be talking about other people's weight problems. Operatic stars should be judged on their singing and acting, not their dress size, and yet it's hard not to notice the heft and bulk of many of the people you see on opera stages or, even worse, on opera DVD's. If you've seen any opera at all I know you know what I'm talking about. It's almost like a tradition. Ballet stars are anorexics and operatic stars are 300 pound diabetics. Well, Sarah Coburn (the soprano on page 13) doesn't seem to have that problem. Not yet anyways and let's hope she keeps it up. Besides, she's kind of a looker.

So that's the the March Issue of Opera News. Yeah, I know, kind of a pathetic blog. Sorry to waste your time, but I think I've got a scoop with that Placido Domingo thing. Can't wait for the wire services to pick up on it.

The Big Broadcast Of 2005

As much as I'd like to say that I've got the new religion, that I've caught the podcasting fever, I'm afraid I'm beginning to have my doubts. Yes there are some shows I like and yes I like the convenience of being able to time shift the content to fit my schedule, but more and more I just get this feeling that podcasting will never be the next big thing.

Maybe I should backup first and explain what I'm talking about.

Podcasting, for those of you who may not be familiar with the term, is a means of distributing radio over the internet. Unlike the streams which are typical of traditional internet radio, podcasts are distributed as simple mp3 files. This means that instead of tuning in to a station at a particular time to hear a broadcast, a podcast listener can store the audio file on his computer or device and play back or "time shift" the content at his or her convenience. Strictly speaking this is not a new concept and companies such as Audible.com have long offered radio shows and audiobooks for download at their sites, however podcasting offers some important differences.

The first is that podcasts are free. Sites such as Audible.com charge for their content and encrypt their downloads to prevent unauthorized copying and distributi0n. Podcasts have no such restrictions and do not charge for their content. Their files are in the common mp3 format, the lingua franca of the digital audio world, and playable on just about every conceivable computer and device currently in existence. Audible's content will only play on machines authorized to receive Audible content and licensed to receive the specific show or book being downloaded. This all relates to a concept called DRM (Digital Rights Management) that I will talk about later.

The second important difference is the means of distribution. Podcasts are not distributed through a central server or website like Audible.com but rather through a method known as syndication. To put it in very simple terms, to receive podcasts a listener needs to subscribe to a providers "feed" (commonly called an RSS feed) which will deliver the content to his computer as it becomes available, much like a magazine that arrives in the mail each month. That subscription, in turn, is handled separately by a free program such as Ipodder or Doppler which the user downloads and installs on his computer. It is this software which manages the subcription(s) and keeps the downloaded podcasts up to date and organized. If this sounds complicated, it's not. The software does most of the dirty work.

Of course what this all means to the user is portablility. As I mentioned before podcasts are simply mp3 files which are playable on just about any portable device. This means that rather than being tied to a computer to listen to your internet radio, you can download the shows to your mp3 player or similar device and take the show with you. Podcasting isn't unique in this and sites such Audible.com and Napster also allow you to download their content to portable devices, but with restrictions and for a fee. There are no restrictions on podcasts and everyone is free to create, listen to and distribute them as they wish.

So what's the problem? Podcasting sounds great, doesn't it?

Actually, there is no problem. Podcasting is great, and it really exploits this whole idea "narrowcasting" or niche programming. That is, because it's free and often a labor of love, podcasting encourages all sorts of enthusiasts and hobbyists and assorted oddballs to offer programs that would never be aired over conventional radio. One of my favorite's is a half-hour show called Dave's Ipaq dedicated solely to Hewlett Packard PDA's. It's done by guy named Dave Ciccone who also runs a website of the same name, and although the show is very well done it's probably not of much interest to anyone who doesn't own an Ipaq or other Pocket PC. Another favorite of mine is EarlySound which features music of the Renaissance and Early Baroque. It is hosted by a robot named Mr. Sauterne (yes, like the wine) and is a concept so imaginative and weird that no professional media company would ever consider doing it. Unfortunately only one show has been done so far, although I'm hoping there are more to come.

Of course, amateur radio being amateur radio there are also plenty of shows that are a complete waste of time. Take for instance a show I once downloaded that started off with some high school or junior high school kid making fart noises into his microphone (a concept that was probably funnier on paper than it was on the air). I'm sure his friends got a kick out of it but I didn't stick around to hear the rest of the hilarious goings-on. Or how about the show where the guy just kept banging the microphone on his desk. That was a good one. I guess he was having sound troubles because he sounded like he was about a mile and half away. You couldn't hear a word he was saying and that would have been bad enough, but all the time he was recording he kept fiddling with things and making these really irritating banging and rubbing sounds as he moved the microphone back and forth across his desk. Sheesh. Thirty seconds of that and I filed it straight into the recycle bin.

Yeah, this podcasting is a new frontier all right, it's unpredictable and it's fun but I don't think it will ever go mainstream. I didn't used to think that. I mean I was seduced at first like all the others, but as I listen to more and more of these things I realize it's strictly a sideshow. Why? Because although it might be new and exciting right now, eventually most of these amateurs are going to tire of podcasting and move on to something else. They're going to run out of ideas and begin to repeat themselves, and they're going to wonder if it's worth all the work involved. Especially if there's no money to be made.

And money's the big reason podcasting will never go big time.

There's simply no way to make a profit from it. What are these podcaster's going to do - find sponsor's and sell ads? How? Unless Congress makes the fast-forward button illegal (and I wouldn't put it past 'em) then ad's aren't going to work. It simply too easy to skip them. What will the podcasters do then? Are they going to start charging for their subscriptions? How can they do that without some kind of DRM. If they can't control the distribution of their content then how can they charge for subscriptions? And if they do start DRM'ing their content then they're not podcasting anymore - they''re just the same as Audible or Napster.

Nope. Without a path to profitabilty (I think that's what the business geeks call it) the big guys are never going to buy the podcasting concept and the little guys are just going to get tired and fade away. Sure, some of the more successful websites will maintain podcasts as an adjunct to their core content and there will be radio stations offering bits and pieces of their programming as a way to reach a larger audience, but the idea of a little guy starting with nothing more than a microphone and a computer and building a media empire is just childish fantasy.

At least at this point it is.

Anywhere You Go It's The Same Thing
(Money Worries, Money Troubles)

According to the Murky News (that would be the San Jose Mercury News for all the non-locals out there) it turns out that I am living in the most affluent community in America. As they reported earlier this week, the median household income for Santa Clara County (that would be the Silicon Valley for all the non-locals out there) is somewhere around $70,000, a good $11,000 more than our nearest rivals. So how does it feel to be so affluent, you might ask, well I'll tell 'ya.

For starters the houses are a little cramped and the yards are a little small, but then who can afford one anyways. Some people can, but at a median Bay Area price of $666,000 most are left out in the cold. Just do the math. A $600,000 mortgage with a 5.75% interest rate for a 30 year term leaves you paying a mere $3,484.74 a month. That's around $42,000 a year or about 2/3 of the median households $70,000 yearly gross income. But wait, we're the most affluent people in America, the Murky News said so, so you know that can't be right. Especially since that 2/3 doesn't even include property taxes and insurance. I must have multiplied somewhere when I should have divided.

That's ok because everything else is cheap. Take gas, for example. Well, on second thought that's not a very good example. Hmmm, well take utilities then. No, that's not a very good example either. Insurance? Health Care? Transportation? College for the kids? Geez, there must be something that we can buy with all this affluence (besides 60 rolls of toilet paper at Costco).

I'll think of something.

You know, when you get right down to it $70,000 a year won't buy you a whole lot in the Santa Clara Valley. It'll put a roof over your head and a little food in your belly, but if you want to own anything around here you better be making double that, and even then you'll still standing in line at Costco along with the rest of us. If you're thinking about moving here and joining in on all this affluence - don't say I didn't warn you.

But enough of that. Let's talk about who'll replace Dan Rather instead.

Have they made an announcement yet? I haven't heard anything although there have been rumors on the internet. But, I mean really, c'mon. Donald Trump? Paris Hilton? Kofi Annan? I'll believe it when I see it.

If it was up to me to choose (which of course it isn't) I think I'd go for a urban anchor. I say that because I was listening to Terry Gross do an interview with the RZA the other day and I think he'd be a great choice for the Evening News, and I mean I'm dead serious about this. We've got plenty of white males doing the national news these days so why not give a person with a different perspective a chance. It would certainly give a whole new meaning to the nightly "rap"-up, I can tell you that, and probably wouldn't be bad for the ratings either.

(This should be the point in my blog where I write some kind of news "rap" to illustrate my point but I'm not going to do that. Look, I'm old, I'm half-japanese, and old japanese guys don't rap. Sorry, but I'm sure you can see my point. Anyways, it's been a long week)

They'll never let an urban black guy do the news, though, so we're probably just gonna get another white guy. Why is that? They could at least give the job to a woman or an old japanese guy instead. I know I'd like to see that, and there are certainly a lot of qualified people who aren't white and male who could do the job. Susie Gharib, Gwen Ifill, or how about Terry Gross? TV is just radio with a camera sticking in your face.

Take a chance, CBS, and do something different.

Oh well, plus ca change...

Is It Just Me Or Do I Feel A Draft

Isn't it great that baseball has finally put to rest all those steroid rumors that have been hounding it all winter. Now, at last, we can get the crime news out of the sports pages and back into the business section where it belongs. And speaking of Worldcom, doesn't it just confirm what hundreds of millions of working people have been secretly wondering ever since the dawn of the modern megacorporation began. Namely, just what exactly does the boss really do all day?

At Worldcom, apparently, not a whole heck of a lot. Let's face it, the night janitor probably knew more about what was happening inside that company than poor old Bernie Ebbers. The guy was just an innocent dupe. It was hard work keeping track of all the millions and millions of salary and stock options he was raking in year after year- you can't expect him to spend time actually running the company or staying on top of a billion or so dollars worth of fraud can you? Let's be reasonable here.

Yeah, poor Bernie. I feel for the guy, but that's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about naked opera singers. Yeah, I know, I know, you're probably sick of it. Seems every other blog you read nowdays just wants to go on and on about some naked tenor or mezzo or something like that, and it's not like I can really add anything new, but you know this is an important topic. It deserves it's place on the internet.

So what I'm thinking is that it's really hard to ignore a naked opera singer. Think about it. There you are watching an opera and the drama is intense, the music is inspired, and the singing is breathtakingly beautiful, and then all of a sudden one of the singers takes her clothes off. How are you supposed to react to something like that? Do you hoot and holler? Do you modestly avert your gaze? No, of course not. If you're truly the refined and cultured patron of the arts you think you are then the obvious thing to do is simply pretend you don't see it. But that's hard to do.

"Enjoying the opera?"

"Why yes, it's wonderful. But I was wondering, why is the soprano naked?"

"The soprano?"

"Yes, up there on the stage."

"Naked?"

"Yes, don't you see her. She doesn't have any clothes on."

"Oh, wait a minute, hold on here, I think you're right. By George she is naked isn't she."

"You mean you didn't notice."

"Me? No. You see I find the whole experience of the opera so ennobling and enriching, so elegant and refined, that I don't even notice such frivolous things. After all, what's a pretty young girl to me when there is Strauss in the air, even if she is naked? No, for a truly enlightened man such bawdiness is merely primitive and base and of no more interest than a speck on a wall."

"Oh, you are good and just and true."

"There there, my dear, there there."

Yes, I suppose that's how I should react, but I seem be made of coarser stuff. I want to be noble - really I do. It's just that when I'm watching the DVD and I see the soprano get naked those noble thoughts don't come to mind. Instead I start thinking "Wow -look at that!!", and for some reason I don't care about the music or the singing or the drama anymore - I just want the camera to shift a little to the left so I can get a better look. Call me crass, call me crude, but that's the way it is.

And that's why I think maybe it would be better for all involved if the singers just kept their clothes on. Not that I'm a prude mind you, but it makes for a less of a distraction if you're not sitting there in the audience or in front of the TV with your tongue wagging and your eyes bugging out. You kind of lose track of things when that happens.

If you don't believe me then go watch soprano Maria Ewing starring in Strauss' Salome. It's on DVD and after you've seen it tell me how much of the opera you remember after she does her Dance of the Seven Veils.

Yeah, uh-huh...liar!

I Love You California

March is here, the sun is shining, and spring is just around the corner- all in all it's not so bad living in California. Especially when you look at the news and see those poor folks back east suffering through the wind and cold and ice and snow - it must be tough for them. And I know they resent people like me who live out here in the Bay Area where it's sunny and warm. I know they call us shallow and narcissistic and pampered and all sorts of nasty things. Yeah, it hurts. Yeah, I feel guilty, but it doesn't last long. After a while I get used to it and do what all Californians do. I just say "Who cares - I'm going to the beach."

But listen if it will make any of those New Yorkers or Bostonians out there feel any better then at least you can get a little satisfaction from knowing that here in California we're expecting a little storm of our own tonight. No snow or ice, mind you, but the weatherman says we could get a quarter of inch of rain and the temperatures could drop all the way down into the lower fifties.

You see we have our hard winters too.

Speaking of California, have I talked about the great rise and fall of the man they called the "governator" yet? I d0n't think the national press had got hold of the story so in case you haven't heard let me fill you in. Let's see, where was I? Oh yeah, if I remember correctly when last we left Arnold he was riding the crest of a wave, a sort of 'Mr. Schwarzenegger Goes to Washington, er Sacramento' figure who had entered politics to reform the system and loosen the stranglehold of party politics and special interests over state government. Remember? Well, that's all different now.

If you've read this blog in the past (and I can't imagine y0u have but, who knows, I may have one lonely reader out there) then you'll remember I was enthusiastic about the new governor's ambitions to energize state government back then but also admonished him to leave the public schools alone. No one, I felt, not even Arnold Schwarzenegger would be foolhardy enough to commit political suicide by taking on the state's education establishment, particularly the formidable 9000 pound gorilla of California politics, the California Teachers Association.

Well, sorry to say, Arnold didn't listen.

I don't know why he didn't listen to me. I figure it's probably because he read that editorial in Barron's a while back that pointed out how the U.S. leads all the other industrialized nations in per capita spending on education and yet seems to have the least to show for it. In fact, the editorial pointed out we don't just spend a little more, we spend a lot more per capita. Why is it, they asked, that we spend so much to attain such meager results? I guess after reading the article the governor probably got ambitious and decided it was time for Californians to start asking questions ourselves.

So off he went on his little crusade to try to find out what is really wrong with California schools, to find out if the problem wasn't just a matter of spending more money but also a matter of how the money is spent. It was a brave thing to do, I'll admit, and yet incredibly naive at the same time. For someone who is supposed to have some political savvy and be surrounded by some of the savviest people in the business, it just seemed a peculiar thing to do.

The first news of the governors education reforms that most Californians got was from the local newscasts. You knew he was in trouble when you listened to the broadcasts and they all announced it like "The governor began his assault on California's children today by unveiling his...". Of course when the state's democrats heard this they felt like they just found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Up till then Arnold had been riding high in the polls and winning the support of both Republicans and Democrats, but after he decided to take on the schools he wasn't nearly so bulletproof anymore.

The plan mainly consisted of smaller than expected increases in education spending coupled with reforms to base teacher pay on merit rather than tenure. The public's reaction to the meager increases in spending was a predictable "Just because we're broke doesn't mean we shouldn't spend more money", while the CTA's reaction to the merit pay proposal was "This governor is trying to demonize teachers." Soon everyone huddled together in a kind of "we've got to protect our children" formation and the governor's goose was pretty much cooked.

Meanwhile, back at the statehouse, there wasn't a Democrat to be found. Before the governors proposal came out you couldn't walk ten feet without tripping over a Democrat trying to get his face on TV and shoot a few holes in the 'governator', but after the proposal they all just seemed to disappear. Where did they all go, we wondered, even though we knew they were just laying back and enjoying the sight of the once high and mighty reformer being eaten alive by his own political ineptitude. "Yes, yes, yes", you could hear them chuckling to themselves, "how could he be so stupid?"

And so Arnold started to sink in the polls. His approval ratings are still good, but not what they were, and if he continues to push the voters towards a decision between their children and Conan The Barbarian, well, all I can say is it will be a sad end for a once promising political career. Of course if he has any brains at all he'll walk away from this school thing and try to get some of his other reforms through. Whatever happens, though, let this just be a lesson for all those who seek higher office in California-

Don't mess with the schools.

If you've got to shut down the prisons, close the hospitals, and lay off every policeman and fireman in California, just do it. If you've got to sell the state parks, close the freeways, and leave every widow and orphan to go begging, just do it. If you've got to borrow from your parents, your children, your brothers, your sisters, and every aunt, uncle, nephew and cousin you can find, just do it.

Just don't mess with the schools.

And so that's the news from sunny California where the coffers are empty, the mortgage is past due, and governor hates children.

Deal Me In George

Haven't talked much about Social Security lately but Lord knows everyone else has. Which is a bit strange don't you think? I mean the whole Social Security debate is really like a bunch of people on Let's Make A Deal all arguing about what's behind door number 3. Who knows? Everyone's got an opinion but no one seems to know the details. Well I figure the only way I'm ever going to get a clear explanation is by going straight to the top.

"Hello Mr. President. Can you please explain to the American people just what your plan for Social Security is?"

"It's all about ownership and people taking responsibilty for their own futures."

"Yes I see but what will it cost?"

"What's the cost of doing nothing?"

"You see that's my point. What IS the cost of doing nothing?"

"The cost is a Social Security system that's bankrupt and unable to meet it's obligations."

"Do you mean that at some point Social Security is going to stop paying benefits?"

"We will not break our trust with the American people."

"Huh? Does that mean you are going to reduce benefits?"

"Young workers will do far better with Personal Savings Accounts than they would under the current system."

"How much are you going to reduce benefits?"

"Personal Savings Account will give many young workers a real opportunity for wealth creation."

"Yes, but by how much are you going to reduce benefits?"

"Under our plan all the money you earn in your Personal Saving Account is yours. You own it and the government cannot touch it."

"Yes, but the benefits. How much will they be cut....Oh, never mind."

"We need to move to an ownership society."

"As opposed to a leasehold society, I suppose. Well let's pretend for a moment that I know what you mean by that. Some say that under your plan benefits will need to be cut by about 55% in order to balance the books, and others say that the real purpose behind your reforms is to gradually abolish the Social Security System all together. Would you care to comment on that?"

"No one over the age of 55 will be affected by my proposal nor see any changes to the benefits they are receiving now or plan to receive in the future."

"Thank you for your clarification Mr. President, and let me just say that I happen to agree with you that younger workers need to save more for their retirements. I'm not sure if gutting Social Security is the best way to achieve that goal, but if I were a twenty-something just starting out I'd certainly be in favor of Personal Savings Accounts. What we don't know, of course, and what you won't tell us, is how much safety net will be left forty years down the road or even if our PSA's will be all the net we get.

On the other hand maybe it doesn't matter because unless these twenty-somethings don't plan on getting sick or old when they retire, their medical costs are going to eat up any money they may have managed to set aside. Let's face it, with costs rising the way they are now that 50, 60 or 70 thousand dollar hospital bill you might get today will seem pretty cheap forty years from now when that same stay could run into the tens of millions. And that's not even accounting for the monthly drug bills, lab bills, long term care, it just goes on and on."

"Which is why we passed our Health Savings Accounts legislation back in 2003."

"You think the HSA's will cover it?"

"The important thing is that workers will have a choice. They can either choose to get the drugs and other treatments, or they can choose to drop dead. That's not a decision the government should make."

"Well thanks again, Mr. President. It's been terrible talking to you."

"Anytime."

Diogenes Calls It A Day

And so it came to pass that I grew tired of this life - tired of the hypocrisy, the money grubbing, the sycophants and ass-kissers - and became a wanderer and seeker of truth. Through countless towns and villages I travelled, through cities and farms, across oceans and continents, everywhere asking "where is meaning, where is truth" and finding none. Till one day I came to rest beside a small stream and spied a small water nymph.

"Oh water nymph", I cried in desperation, "where is the truth? I've searched everywhere but all I've found is obfuscation and lies. Is there no truth to be found in this world?"

Crushed and disheartened I lay my head down in the tall grass and began to sob. To my amazement a voice spoke to me.

"If you seek the truth, o' wanderer, then you must travel far from here and find the 'true path'. Only the 'true path' that can lead you to the land of enlightenment and self-knowledge."

Stunned, I looked around to find the speaker of these words, but there was no one. I looked upstream and downstream, I searched the trees and bushes and scanned the horizon as far as the eye could see, and yet not a soul could I find. Finally, looking down into the water I saw it was none other than the water nymph who addressed me.

"Water nymph", I cried, "is it you who has spoken so wisely just now?"

"Yes", said the water nymph. "Leave this place and find the 'true path'. It is there to the east, beyond the river and the sea. Find the 'true path' my son and all your wanderings will be over."

Full of promise and hope I thanked the water nymph and began my journey to find the 'true path'. And it was there in the east, just as he had said. Eagerly I began to walk down the path of enlightenment, and so it was that after several days journey the path ended and I found myself in front of a great iron gate. Nearby, a small hut stood in a clearing and anxiously I entered. Inside it was dark and musty and I spied a bearded old man smoking a pipe beside a fire.

"Are you the source of all truth?" I asked him.

"Oh, ho, ho, heavens no my son. I am merely a poor gatekeeper. Is it the truth you are looking for?"

"Yes, Mr. Gatekeeper, and I've travelled so very far. Tell me, how much farther is it till I find the real, honest, everlasting truth?"

"Oh, you are very close my son. I can see you have travelled very far and now I will tell you your wandering is almost over. Hear these words. Past this gate you will find the 'Mountain of Lies ', and know this - before you can enter the realm of truth you must ascend this mountain, and the climb is perilous and slippery and full of danger and deceit. "

"I will climb this mountain" I cried. "I am not afraid."

"You are very brave, my son", said the old man, "and know this - at the top of the mountain you will find an altar. And within the altar you will find the Oracle. Ask the Oracle for guidance and he will answer you with the truth for which you seek."

Excited and confused I thanked the old man and passed through the gate to begin my climb up the 'Mountain of Lies'. Though my hands were cut and bruised, though my eyes were stung from wind and sand, though my toes were frozen with frosbite, still I climbed, higher and higher, till at last I dragged my beaten and broken body up to the very peak of the mountain. And there I saw it. Bright and golden, gleaming in the distance, stood the altar of the Oracle of Truth. Numbed from exhaustion I gathered all my remaining strength and walked down the gentle slope towards the golden light. As I approached I could see inside the altar, with his back to me, the form and figure of the Oracle. In white robes he sat, a halo of light circling his head, and as I approached I tingled with excitement for finally my search for the truth had ended. I circled in front of him and slowly his face came into view. So this was the face of truth, I thought, so this is face of all that is honest and pure, so this is...

"Jose Canseco?"

"Can I help you my son?"

"Jose Canseco! You're the Oracle of Truth?"

"Yes, let there be no more lies. Did you come seeking the Truth?"

"B...b...b...but Jose, you can't be the Oracle of Truth. I know you. I grew up in the Bay Area. You were always a lying, greedy, self-aggrandizing jerk. How can you now be the Oracle of Truth?"

"Easy - I wrote a book. Now is there something you wanted to ask me? Is there some truth you want revealed?"

"Uh, yeah. Um, I guess so. Let me see. Ok, I got one. Tell me oh great Oracle of Truth, what is the true secret to happiness?"

"Do you have a major credit card?"

"Excuse me."

"A major credit card. I'll need your credit card before I can answer that. I take VISA, Mastercard, or American Express."

"But I don't have a credit card. I left behind all worldly things and material goods when I climbed up this mountain."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that", said the Oracle. "Maybe you can come back later."

"But you said you'd answer my question."

"Well, things are different now, aren't they? Please, why don't you go back and get your wallet and then we'll talk about this later."

"But..."

"Please, you're holding up the line. Please. Step aside and let someone else have a turn."

And so I left, my poor heart full of sorrow and regret. To come so close and not bring a major credit card. How could I be so stupid. But at least I got to see the truth, to almost touch it even. Imagine that. Jose Canseco, the great Oracle of Truth. Who'd have figured.

Wake Me When Supper's Ready

Burt Bacharach was wrong, of course. Very wrong. The world doesn't need any more love, we got plenty of that. If you ask me what the world needs now is sleep.

That's truly the only thing that there's just too little of.

Take me, for example. Every morning when that alarm clock goes off it's obvious that I haven't slept long enough. It's obvious that I'm in no condition to get out of bed and face the world. And yet off I go, groggy, sleep deprived, wondering why it is that just once I couldn't forget all my cares and spend an entire week sleeping in bed. You know, just once wouldn't it be nice to really get some sleeping done. Real sleep. Not just enough sleep to make it through the day, but sleep that would get all the tired right out of me, sleep that would just get down there and drain every little pool of weariness from my body. Ah, that would be nice - an entire week of nothing but sleep. 168 hours straight, and when I finally got up I'd feel new and refreshed and...

go right back to bed and sleep some more.

It would be nice and also provide invaluable data for my sleep theory (in case you were wondering if there was a point to all this). My research is still in the early stages, mind you, so I don't have anything definitive to say at present, however I will be publishing an important scientific paper about it one day (after I finish my great libretto) so I might as well share what I have so far.

It seems to me that we have this sleep thing all backwards. That is, the science so far has all been based on this notion of "why do we sleep?" That's the way most lay people look at it too, and I say that's all wrong. We should not ask "why do we sleep?" but rather "why do we wake?". Think about it. When you were born what's the first thing you did after you had yourself a good cry? Right! You went to sleep. Babies are no fools. They know that if there's no good reason to be awake then they should have themselves a good sleep. It's just the natural and healthy thing to do.

But as we grow and mature into adulthood we begin to forget all that. We lose that inner child. Face it, there are really only 3 good reasons to be awake anyways - defense, nutrition and fornication. Other than those 3 things, there's no need for us to be up and moving about, fighting traffic, talking on the phone, watching TV or whatever. A person could live quite well by just avoiding danger, getting something to eat, fornicating and sleeping. That's what my theory would call the Ideal State of Man.

But we humans, being the higher order creatures we are, like to complicate things. We let our egos get the better of us and all of a sudden we have all these things to do and places to go and people to meet and schedules and timetables and appointments and clocks and alarms and cell phones and blackberries all hammering at us to keep going all the time, just go, go, go all day, everyday, until finally we are beaten into submission and drop dead of a high cholesterol and a heart attack. Don't you see. We don't have sleep disorders, we have wake disorders. In fact some people's lives are nothing more than wake disorders, one right after the other.

And that's why I believe that it's time for all of us to just go back to sleep. It's time for us to reconnect with our inner child. It's time to turn off our alarm clock and not show up to work or school until we're good and rested. It's time for us to be what nature intended us to be. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. C'mon them, sing it with me

Lord, we don't need another mountain
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb.
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross,
Enough to last
'Til the end of time.

What the world needs now is ....

On The Beach

I was watching the Travel Channel and this show about Australia comes on, and it was simply amazing. Did you know that Australia was just one long series of empty, tropical beaches populated with nothing but golden-skinned goddesses in string bikinis? I didn't know that, but that's what the TV show said, so I asked my email buddy Sandy about it. She lives down near Melbourne and first I told her about the show and how there were all these empty beaches with golden-skinned goddesses and then I asked her if all of Australia was like that and she said

Yeah, sure. It's an entire continent of nothing but empty beaches and golden-skinned goddesses.

Well you could have knocked me over with a feather, but then as I was about to book my flight it occurred to me that maybe Sandy wasn't being totally honest. I mean she's a great person and I had no reason to doubt her word, but they must be a few blokes around down there, don't you think? I mean they play that weird kind of football and Rod Laver was Australian, wasn't he? It can't all be bronze goddesses. And then I started thinking if they do have blokes down there, then fat chance they're gonna help me find those beaches.

"Uh, g'day there mate. You wouldn't happen to know where I can find an empty beach with golden-skinned goddesses in string bikinis like I saw on the Travel Channel would you?"

"Eh, bugger off. Those beaches are for Aussies, not the likes of you."

"No, you don't understand. I saw it on TV. Apparently these girls stand around in skimpy swimwear all day just hoping to meet friendly American tourists on winter holiday. If you could just point me in the right direction I'd really apprecia-"

"How about I point my fist into your ugly little face."

"Well you don't have to be rude. I was only asking because I saw it on the Travel Channel and I came all the way down here from America to... Look, I even brought scented body oils in case, you know, one of them needed a little rubdown."

"We ain't got no beaches."

"No beaches?"

"No."

And that would be that. Nothing to do but go home if they're gonna cop that kind of an attitude. Damn Aussies. I wouldn't even have bothered if I knew they were gonna be like that. Whole continent full of golden goddesses in string bikinis and they won't even point a stranger in the right direction. No use in going if they're gonna be like that.

So I stayed home.

And I'm not watching the Travel Channel anymore.

It Ain't Too Hard To Live With Somebody Else's Troubles
(They don't make you lose any sleep at night)

Scientists call them "conversations you don't want to have" and everyone knows how unpredictable they can be. You can be having the most pleasant little chat with someone then all of a sudden - BLAM! - the whole thing starts to turn. I ran into an old co-worker of mine today.

"Hey D. , is that you. Man I haven't seen you in years."

"Tony? How are you? I haven't talked to you in ages."

"Yeah, how long has it been? Must be at least 6 or 7 years."

"You're looking great - haven't changed a bit."

(So far, so good)

"Thanks, you're looking pretty good yourself. Say are you still working for ..."

"No, I got laid off."

(BLAM!)

"Laid off? Are you kidding. Why?"

"I don't know. I've been out of work for over a year and there's just nothing out there."

(Over a year! Oh geez, I do not want to have this conversation)

"Things are that bad?"

"Worse. Thirty years in the business and then suddenly no one wants you anymore."

(You're making me nervous here D. You know I've got over 20 years in the business myself...can we please end this conversation)

"Geez, I'm sorry to hear that. How are you doing? Are you getting by ok?"

"Yeah. I'm getting by. How are things around here? Are you guys pretty busy?"

"No, it's been slow. "

"Yeah, that's what I heard. I've been putting in my applications but no one's hiring. I've got all this experience, you know, but what are you going to do?"

(Tell me about it. All I can say is there but for the grace of God go...no, I don't want to deal with this right now. Please, don't make me deal with this)

"Yeah, it's pretty tough. "

So anyways, for some reason that got me thinking about Siegfried. (Yeah, I know it's weird). I started thinking about the part where he drinks the dragon's blood and the songbird explains to him that now he has the power to hear what is truly in people's hearts. For some reason the whole conversation just started me wondering what would happen if I drank some of that dragon's blood and instead of hearing what is truly in other people's hearts, they could hear what is truly in my heart. If instead of trying to say something kind I just said what was really on my mind. I know it would never work in real life but it just might work in a blog.

"Hey D., how are you?"

"Not too good. I got laid off."

"Oh really. Well, it was just a matter of time."

"What?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that when you start getting old, you know, they want to push you out the door. At least nowadays they do."

"I had thirty years in the business."

"So?"

"So, that ought to count for something."

"Says who? Face facts, D. After thirty years all you are is a great big drag on the balance sheet, you know what I mean? The world's changing. All an employer wants these days is some drone who'll push keys on a computer for a dollar a day. And who can blame them. I mean you can't blame the lion for devouring the sheep, can you? That's the way he makes his living."

"Well thanks. That makes me feel completely worthless. Got any more good cheer you want to spread?"

"Ah, I'm sorry. I don't know what's got into me. I got some dragon blood on my hand and took a little taste and all of sudden I'm saying all these crazy things."

"No, forget about it. You're right. It's all numbers and computers now."

"Yeah, I'm just counting the days myself. So far I've been lucky, but someday my luck's gonna change, you know? I mean it's been nice working in a department that doesn't really have any tech-savvy people in it, after all a technological backwater does have it's advantages, jobwise, but I know that someday some corporate tech-head is gonna come walking through that door and figure things out. You know?"

"Like what?"

"Like the whole outsourcing thing. It's all electronic now, D. It's all online. Sooner or later someone's gonna figure out that there are college grads in Bombay making 10 dollars a week who could do a lot of this work just as well as we can sitting here in this office. And when they do... well, I hope you'll save me a spot in the unemployment line."

"Thirty years in the business and... "

"I hear ya."

"And when that day comes what do you think you'll do?"

"Well I hear there's this blond sleeping on a rock."

"Huh?"

"Forget it. Bad joke."

So that was my day. Pretty depressing, if I do say so myself. After all these years it's back to the same old question of what do you want to do when you grow up. Problem is I still haven't figured that one out.

I think maybe I'd like to be a concert violinist. I say that because I was over at Hilaryhahn.com the other day catching up on all the latest Hilary news, and I tell ya' being a violin soloist looks like it would be a pretty nice job to have. Lots of travel, lots of food, stay at the best hotels - not a bad way to make a living. Probably a lot of partying and hellraising and groupies and all that too, although I'm not really sure if female concert violinists have groupies. Hmmm, not likely come to think of it. I think they just have rich, sculpted boyfriends with gel in their hair and manicured nails.

Maybe that's what I'll do when I grow up. I'll be Hilary's rich, sculpted boyfriend and follow her around to Paris and Berlin and drive expensive cars and drink expensive champagne and strike elegant poses and flirt shamelessly in nightclubs and create gossip and scandal and... oops, I almost forgot.

I'll need some money first. And I'm gonna need some sculpting too. No, I take that back. I'm gonna need lots of sculpting. Which makes me too old to start the violin and too fat and poor to be a gigolo.

I tell ya', this has been a depressing day.

Got A Rocket In My Pocket

The Consumer Electronics Show came and went this year and the big news was that there really was no big news. The TV's are getting bigger, the music players are getting smaller, the computers are getting faster, everything's becoming connected, and yet the fact remains that the world needs a new technology. I never thought I'd say this but tech is starting to get boring.

I think part of the problem can be illustrated with this new PDA I have sitting here in front of me. It's a Dell Axim X30 that I picked up for around $300.00 last Christmas. If you're not familiar with PDA's those are those little Palm Pilot devices that used to be popular about 5 years ago which some people still use for calendaring and contact management. Nice little devices that I've owned in one form or another since I bought my original Palm III back in the late 90's, I guess.

Well, needless to say things have changed over the past decade and my new PDA is nothing like that old Palm III. In fact I've bought PC's that didn't have the hardware specs that my new PDA has - 624MHz processor, 64 MB Ram, 64MB Rom, built-in wireless networking with Bluetooth, etc... Man, we're way beyond calendaring and contact management now.

And that's the big tech problem.

Just think about it. I now carry around in my pocket a slender, lightweight device which can not only keep track of my information but can also play music, play videos, store and display ebooks, store and display audio books, fetch email, surf the web (sort of), download news and rss feeds, store and play radio shows, and, well, just about anything else you could ever imagine or want a computer to do. And that's just the basics. If I wanted to spend a few extra bucks it could also be my gps device, my home theater remote, my digital camera, or any of a dozen or more other uses which have been developed for it. What's even more impressive is that this isn't even a top of the line PDA. In fact, if you've got the cash there are some PDA's and Smartphones for sale that'll blow the lid off of this one.

So what's my point. My point is that I don't need any more technology than this. Other than cleaning the gutters and taking out the garbage, this little device does just about everything I need a device to do. That's why I think the Tech world has hit this little rut it's in - there simply isn't a big enough need out there to lead tech to the next big step. I've already got a desktop PC that's got more power than I can use. I've got a 2 year old laptop that still has plenty of juice to do the things I need a laptop to do (which is less and less since I got the new PDA), and, like I said, I've got this new Dell Axim which is probably the last PDA I'll be buying for quite a while.

Face it all you techies out there, we need a new frontier. HDTV's? Nah, not right now. I can wait a few years for the prices to come down. New music players? I still haven't used up the 60 gigs I've got already. Satellite Radio? Nah, no thanks. I'm lucky to have a great over the air radio station where I live, and even if I didn't I'd rather listen to my own playlist than somebody else's. Mac Mini? Pleeeeeze, I've got more computers and more computing power than I know what to do with.

No, if there's going to be a next step then it's going to be in the direction of better utilizing the technology we already have. That means the future, at least in the short term, is going to belong to the content people like Itunes or Audible.com, or the Podcasters, or maybe even a Movielink or Cinemanow.com. Whoever it is, it won't belong to the Intels or Sony's or other big names we've gotten so used to in the past.

At least that's what my crystal ball is telling me, and, as I've said before, my crystal ball has always been wrong.

PS. Almost forgot, there's is one thing my Axim won't do. One of the first applications I tried was a trial version of 'DVD to Pocket PC' which promised it could rip any DVD and reformat it to play on my PDA. Just to test it out I ripped a DVD of Madama Butterfly (which I happen to own, Mr. MPAA), copied it onto the the storage card, and played it using Windows Media Player for Pocket PC. The results were unbelievable. The video was rock solid, the picture was so clear I could even read the subtitles, and the digital stereo coming through the headphones was sweet and pure and totally in sync with the video. No stutter, no stammer, no nothing, but there was one little problem - no Dolby Digital Surround Sound. Come on Dell. Are you telling me that with everything else you packed into that device you c0uldn't fit 5 speakers and subwoofer in there too? Geez, what a rip-off.