"Hello."
"Hello. You must be Mr. Jones. Please, have a seat."
"Thank you."
"Can I get you something to drink? A cup of coffee maybe?"
"No, no thanks. I'm fine."
"Well, Mr. Jones, what brings you in this morning?"
"I think I need a career change."
"Yes, of course. You know that's very common now days. A lot of people your age arrive at a certain point in their lives, having worked to buy a home and raise a family, and with the children gone and the mortgage almost paid they start to wonder if there isn't something more to life. Something more rewarding or personally fulfilling."
"I'm not married."
"Divorced?"
"No, nothing like that. You see I was downsized last year and..."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, it's ok. I found a new job. But the thing is, I'm still doing the same thing, you know. It's a different company but it's still the same old thing, and I'm just starting to wonder if..."
"Sure, I understand. You want to know what color is your parachute."
"Huh?"
"That's just an expression. It means..."
"I didn't know parachutes came in colors."
"Well that's an interesting point. The fact is that parachutes come in all sorts of colors. We just have to find out what color yours is."
"I don't know. Red?"
"No, that's not what I...tell you what, let's start off by finding out a little bit more about yourself. When you're not working what do you like to do?"
"Sleep."
"Besides sleep, I mean. Do you like to play sports, or work on cars, or something like that, or perhaps you're more the creative type."
"I like sports, I guess."
"Oh, that's good. What sorts of sports do you play?"
"Play? No, I meant I like to watch sports. I'm too out of shape to play sports."
"Do you golf? Fish?"
"I like to eat fish, but I don't catch them. In fact, I'd really rather not watch my food squirm and die before I put it in mouth. I takes away my appetite, you know?"
"And you don't golf?"
"I hate golf."
"Ok, so what do you like to do? C'mon Mr. Jones, there must be something?"
"The truth is I already know what I want to do."
"You do? What's that?"
"I want to be a geek."
"A geek? You mean with computers and things like that?"
"Yes."
"Well, ok, that should be no problem. There are plenty of jobs out there in computers these days. Are you looking for something in IT or MIS perhaps?"
"No. not that kind of geek. Believe me, if it's 3:00 in the morning and Mary in Accounting's printer won't print, I DO NOT want to be the person she calls to get the thing working again. You know what I'm saying."
"Yes, but really Mr. Jones, you're not giving me very much to..."
"I want to be a geek. Like those ones in the movies. You know. The ones that can just walk into someone's office and type a few keys on the keyboard and suddenly have access to all of his classified documents and the schematics to secret CIA facilities in the desert, or can walk into a building and press a few keys on a keypad and disable all the alarms and open all the security doors and cut off all outside communications. I want to be one of those kind of geeks. The problme is that I don't know where you go to learn all that stuff. That's why I'm here. I was hoping you could help me."
"Tell me something Mr. Jones. Do you watch a lot of TV?"
"Not really."
"I think maybe..."
"I want a job like Chloe's. You know Chloe on '24'. I want to sit at my computer and control satellites and deploy police cars and break into government facilities and stuff like that. That would be such a cool job."
"And highly illegal, I might add."
"Well that's the whole point, isn't it. I mean who's to say where we draw the line. Maybe sometimes the ends do indeed justify the means."
"You seem like a detail oriented person, Mr. Jones. Perhaps you might like to try accounting instead."
"Can I tell you a secret?"
"No, please don't Mr. Jones. I'd rather you didn't."
"You know that Chloe - the on on TV. I think she's hot."
"Really? Well that's an interesting detail we can add to your file. But back to the business at hand. What I need from you is ..."
"You don't think I'm serious do you? Well I am. I've been to trade schools. You know like Heald and University of Phoenix, but they don't offer any courses I need. Sure, PHP and XML and things like that, but nothing about disabling building security or decrypting classified documents."
"Mr. Jones, I'm sorry but I just don't know what I can do for you. You seem to have some peculiar career goals in mind and I just..."
"You lied."
"I what?"
"You lied."
"Now wait a minute. I'm sure I never..."
"Your ad in the paper said you could help me find the path to happiness and be whatever it is I wanted to be."
"And I can, it's just that I'm not sure if...by that, I mean I don't think you really understand what...the truth is Mr. Jones, if we're going to find out your true path to happiness then you're going to have to start being a little more realistic, that's all."
"You sound just like my father. When I was a kid he used to tell me to never let anyone or anything stop me from reaching my goals, to never say never. He'd say 'Son, remember you can be anything you want to be.' So one day I told him 'Dad, I think I'd like to be Jesus Christ, the Son of God.' and then after that we stopped having our heart-to-heart talks. Then all of a sudden one day he took me to a special doctor and made me promise I'd never tell anyone I'd been there, and we never talked about being anything I want to be ever again. It was lie, what he said, wasn't it? It was all a great, big lie."
"No it's not a lie. You can be whatever you want to be, but within reason of course."
"In other words, it's true that you can be whatever it is you want to be, but realistically speaking you'll probabaly end up sitting in some cubicle just like everybody else."
"No, Mr. Jones. Please don't be discouraged. I'm sure that..."
"Look, you asked me what color my parachute was. Well, that's my parachute."
(pause)
"You're right. You're absolutely right. Ok, let's get started then. If I remember correctly you said you wanted to be a geek, but not the kind of geek that fixes people's printers. You want to be a geek of danger and mystery. Is that right?"
"Yes, exactly."
"Do you have any experience? I mean I'm not sure what sort of qualifications you need to be a geek, but what's your background. Do you have any kind of 'geek cred'?"
"Well I keep my pockets stuffed full of electronic gadgets everywhere I go, and even though my house is full of cabinets and drawers and boxes stuffed with every conceivable kind of electronic cable, connector, switch and whatever else you can possibly think of, it seems I never find the partcular cable or connector I'm looking for when I really need it."
"That's certainly a start. Anything else?"
"Well, I have poor nutrition habits, no fashion sense, and really lousy taste in art, books and music."
"Great. It certainly sounds like you're off to a solid start. Now there's just the question of where to get your training. Have you given any thought to that?"
"Yeah, well I think organized crime would probably have the sort of position I'm looking for. They always seem to need a geek or two when they commit heinous acts."
"You're right. I bet there are plenty of criminal organization's around that would be eager to take on an intern or some kind of entry-level geek."
"What kind of organizations?"
"I don't know. Latin American drug cartels, Caribbean money launderers, East Coast crime families, Congress. Have you thought about relocating to Washington DC?"
"Then you think I can really do this?"
"If that's what you want. If that's what you really want. Here, let me play this CD for you. Climb every mountain, cross every stream. Follow every rainbow, until..."
"Life is so full isn't it? Such a rich pageant."
"You see that. When you came in here you were feeling all stuck in a rut, and now look at you. How do you feel now?"
"Great. I really think I'm ready. I think I'm finally ready to let go of the past and become the geek I was always meant to be."
"You see. You just needed was a little encouragement, that's all. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No, you've been a great help, and listen...if I do break into a computer someday and steal all kinds of personal information, well...I just hope it isn't yours.I wanted you to know that."
"That's sweet. Thank you. And good luck with your new career."
"No, thank you."
Showing posts with label nonsense. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nonsense. Show all posts
Friday, February 08, 2008
Monday, June 11, 2007
Whatever Happened to Bobby Sherman?
The latest craze seems to be these eating contests. Do you have those in your area? They get a bunch of contestants together to see who can eat the most hot dogs or buffalo wings or whatever in the least amount of time. I don't know why, but for some reason news directors all seem to think that these eating contests make good TV. Personally, I think they're some of the grossest things I've ever seen. I sure hope this fad runs its course.
And the quicker, the better.
But on a evening like this, who cares about greasy slobs pigging out on TV. It's pretty redundant at this point to say that we've been having some weird weather, but, you know, the weather's been really weird this year. Here we are in the middle of June (almost), a season when we'd normally expect hot days and warm summer evenings, and yet the weather couldn't be milder or nicer. Right now I'm sitting out on my patio and the sun is just starting to set and there's a cool breeze blowing down through the pine trees and...man, this is about as good as it gets. In fact, if I had to describe it I couldn't, except to play you this old song that keeps bouncing around my head. For some reason an evening like this makes me think of this song.
So, I'll probably go to jail for posting this, but go ahead and download this. It's an old Afro-Cuban lullaby played on the guitar by Christopher Parkening. As it's playing close your eyes and imagine yourself sitting with me under the trees and staring at the stars. Just the two of us. Ooh, it's a little chilly - would you like to borrow my coat? There, that's better. Oh yeah, this is nice, isn't it?
(Ahem. Sorry about that. I was just having one of my little fantasies again)
So what's new. Well, let's see. I finally got my cable installed. I know, I don't watch much TV but Comcast has a pretty good deal going. It's $29.95/mo for digital cable with HBO and DVR. Not bad. That's about half of what I used to pay for DirecTV without HBO. Anyways, I've got this Comcast DVR thing setup and it's not too bad either. I'd heard horror stories about it, but I haven't had any problems with it at all. The UI isn't as good as my old TIVO, but it's not that hard to figure out.
The best thing is that Comcast gives you dual tuners and you don't have to pay for an extra line. That means is that you can watch one channel while you're recording another, or just record two shows at once. Pretty convenient, but overkill for me. I'm lucky if I can find even one thing on TV that's worth watching, let alone two things at once.
Which leads me to whole Letterman vs. Leno thing. Now that I've got my new DVR I can finally watch both shows, and, more importantly for me, I can see the bands they each have at the end of their shows. I don't know why they always put the bands on last, but that's what they do. Whatever the reason, I think it's clear that in terms of musical quality there's just no comparison between the two shows. Frankly,
Where does the Tonight Show find those godawful bands?
Not that all the bands on Letterman are picked from the top of the talent tree, mind you, but they do have some pretty good bands on that show. I don't remember their names, but I like most of 'em. The Tonight Show, on the other hand, has some of the worst bands I've ever seen in my entire life, and what really bothers me is that most of them can't play. It drives me crazy. Especially the guitarists. They line up there on stage with all these fancy axes and effect pedals - thousands of dollars worth of equipment, just so they can play a couple of chords and make it sound really cool. It drives me nuts. Why don't they learn to play first, and then move on to all the fancy doodads? Too old school, I guess.
The way it works, I think, is that someone from the Tonight Show staff goes down to the local modeling agency and finds a bunch of twenty-somethings with the right "look". When they find them they take them back to the studio, give them an instrument, teach them each a couple of notes, find some insipid little teen pop ballad for them to play, and then put them on in the last 3 minutes of the show when they think no one is watching. I'm watching, though, and let me tell you it's painful.
What I don't get, though, is that both shows have pretty good house bands but they never let them play on TV. All you get is a little snippet here and there, but never the full song. I remember Johnny Carson used to let the band play every now and then, but I guess those days are gone. Audiences are too fickle these days, and if you start indulging the band and let actual musical talent go out over the airwaves, then people are going to start reaching for those remotes. Ah well, there's no business like show business.
One last thing before I go. It's pretty obvious I don't have anything to talk about tonight, but I thought as long as we're talking about guitars I might as well mention this. Sid McGinnis is one of the guitarists on Letterman and he plays a Strat. At least I think so. Either it's a Strat or some kind of clone. Sounds like a Strat though. Felicia Collins is the other guitarist on the Letterman and she plays all different kinds of guitars. Mostly Gibsons, though, as far as I can tell. I've seen her play a Les Paul and a SG, and sometimes she's got a Strat and who knows what else. Might even have an Ibanez around somewhere when she's ready to do some heavy shredding. Kevin Eubanks is the guitarist for the Tonight Show and he plays a custom guitar. Looks like a hollowbody or a semi, I can't tell. It's got a big, fat sound though. Eubanks also has a doctorate in music. Go figure, huh? Makes you wonder why they can't get decent bands for that show.
test
test
And the quicker, the better.
But on a evening like this, who cares about greasy slobs pigging out on TV. It's pretty redundant at this point to say that we've been having some weird weather, but, you know, the weather's been really weird this year. Here we are in the middle of June (almost), a season when we'd normally expect hot days and warm summer evenings, and yet the weather couldn't be milder or nicer. Right now I'm sitting out on my patio and the sun is just starting to set and there's a cool breeze blowing down through the pine trees and...man, this is about as good as it gets. In fact, if I had to describe it I couldn't, except to play you this old song that keeps bouncing around my head. For some reason an evening like this makes me think of this song.
So, I'll probably go to jail for posting this, but go ahead and download this. It's an old Afro-Cuban lullaby played on the guitar by Christopher Parkening. As it's playing close your eyes and imagine yourself sitting with me under the trees and staring at the stars. Just the two of us. Ooh, it's a little chilly - would you like to borrow my coat? There, that's better. Oh yeah, this is nice, isn't it?
(Ahem. Sorry about that. I was just having one of my little fantasies again)
So what's new. Well, let's see. I finally got my cable installed. I know, I don't watch much TV but Comcast has a pretty good deal going. It's $29.95/mo for digital cable with HBO and DVR. Not bad. That's about half of what I used to pay for DirecTV without HBO. Anyways, I've got this Comcast DVR thing setup and it's not too bad either. I'd heard horror stories about it, but I haven't had any problems with it at all. The UI isn't as good as my old TIVO, but it's not that hard to figure out.
The best thing is that Comcast gives you dual tuners and you don't have to pay for an extra line. That means is that you can watch one channel while you're recording another, or just record two shows at once. Pretty convenient, but overkill for me. I'm lucky if I can find even one thing on TV that's worth watching, let alone two things at once.
Which leads me to whole Letterman vs. Leno thing. Now that I've got my new DVR I can finally watch both shows, and, more importantly for me, I can see the bands they each have at the end of their shows. I don't know why they always put the bands on last, but that's what they do. Whatever the reason, I think it's clear that in terms of musical quality there's just no comparison between the two shows. Frankly,
Where does the Tonight Show find those godawful bands?
Not that all the bands on Letterman are picked from the top of the talent tree, mind you, but they do have some pretty good bands on that show. I don't remember their names, but I like most of 'em. The Tonight Show, on the other hand, has some of the worst bands I've ever seen in my entire life, and what really bothers me is that most of them can't play. It drives me crazy. Especially the guitarists. They line up there on stage with all these fancy axes and effect pedals - thousands of dollars worth of equipment, just so they can play a couple of chords and make it sound really cool. It drives me nuts. Why don't they learn to play first, and then move on to all the fancy doodads? Too old school, I guess.
The way it works, I think, is that someone from the Tonight Show staff goes down to the local modeling agency and finds a bunch of twenty-somethings with the right "look". When they find them they take them back to the studio, give them an instrument, teach them each a couple of notes, find some insipid little teen pop ballad for them to play, and then put them on in the last 3 minutes of the show when they think no one is watching. I'm watching, though, and let me tell you it's painful.
What I don't get, though, is that both shows have pretty good house bands but they never let them play on TV. All you get is a little snippet here and there, but never the full song. I remember Johnny Carson used to let the band play every now and then, but I guess those days are gone. Audiences are too fickle these days, and if you start indulging the band and let actual musical talent go out over the airwaves, then people are going to start reaching for those remotes. Ah well, there's no business like show business.
One last thing before I go. It's pretty obvious I don't have anything to talk about tonight, but I thought as long as we're talking about guitars I might as well mention this. Sid McGinnis is one of the guitarists on Letterman and he plays a Strat. At least I think so. Either it's a Strat or some kind of clone. Sounds like a Strat though. Felicia Collins is the other guitarist on the Letterman and she plays all different kinds of guitars. Mostly Gibsons, though, as far as I can tell. I've seen her play a Les Paul and a SG, and sometimes she's got a Strat and who knows what else. Might even have an Ibanez around somewhere when she's ready to do some heavy shredding. Kevin Eubanks is the guitarist for the Tonight Show and he plays a custom guitar. Looks like a hollowbody or a semi, I can't tell. It's got a big, fat sound though. Eubanks also has a doctorate in music. Go figure, huh? Makes you wonder why they can't get decent bands for that show.
test
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Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Perspectives on Economics
"Hello, and welcome to Business Roundtable. My name is Tony Myers and my guests tonight are Harold Smith, chief economist at Fred, Wilma and Barney Associates, and Mary Ann Moore, chief investment strategist at Penny Bank and Trust. Harry, Mary Ann, thanks for stopping by and welcome to Business Roundtable."
"Nice to be hear"
"Always a pleasure, TM."
"Let's start with the news that's on everyone's mind these days - namely, the subprime mortgage crisis. There's a lot of worry on the street that if New Century Mortgage goes bankrupt it could cripple the entire global economy. What's your take on that? Harry, let's start with you."
"Well, what's happening in the subprime market is unprecedented. There's never been a crisis like it in the entire economic history of the civilized world. The idea that a bank could make bad loans and go out of business is simply unheard of, and I'm afraid that unless Congress intervenes we could be looking at mass unemployment, bread lines, and nuclear winter."
"Mary Ann, do you agree with Harry. Will this be a crisis of apocalyptic proportions?"
"It's revolutionary, TM, however I don't think it would be proper for Congress to intervene at this juncture. If New Century goes under we're advising our clients to secure their doors and windows, make sure they're well armed and well supplied with food and water, and not look to the government to provide security or assistance."
"Sound advice, but what does this mean for the housing market Harry?"
"Housing prices will go up. I mean, they may go down a little at first, but then they'll go up again. They always do."
"Do you also see a recovery in the housing market Mary Ann?"
"Of course. All that this subprime mortgage crisis has done is create a pent-up demand among buyers vainly hoping that houses will become affordable one day. As soon as they get tired of waiting they'll be off to the races again and housing prices will shoot through the roof. I've been around a long time, TM, and I've seen it happen over and over again."
"How about the mortgage lenders? Will they have the money to lend?"
"Are you kidding. If you've got a job and a pulse, there'll be someone there to lend you money (at the right interest rate, of course). Lenders are feeling a little chastened right now, but as soon as the next housing rush starts they'll be as careless with their money as ever."
"Turning away from the subprime mortgage crisis for a second, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke was at a MacDonalds today and was overheard asking for a condiment. What do you make of that? Mary Ann?"
"I believe the exact quote was 'I need more ketchup', TM. I tell you, I didn't overhear the complete conversation but I think the fact that he was low on ketchup and needed more has a lot of significance for the financial markets."
"Why is that?"
"I think it clearly signals that we'll see a rate hike - perhaps as soon as this summer."
"Harry, do you think the chairman was signaling a return to higher rates?"
"Well clearly he didn't say 'we need more ketchup' but rather 'I need more ketchup'. There's been a lot of talk about a rift within the Board of Governors, and by going out his own and saying that 'I need more ketchup' the chairman was at least raising the possibility that he was going to split the vote and make his own decision about interest rates. Whether that's up or down is pure speculation at this point."
"No I disagree..."
"Mary Ann you wanted to say something?"
"I disagree with Harry on this. Chairman Bernanke said I 'need' more ketchup, not I 'want' more ketchup. I think that is a signal to the markets that a rate hike is not an option at this point, but a necessity. I think it's safe to say that another 1/4 point rise is a done deal at this point."
"What about that Harry? He did say I 'need' more ketchup. Doesn't that imply that a rate hike is almost compulsory at this point?"
"We shouldn't forget that he was talking about ketchup here TM. My question would be 'what did he mean by ketchup?' Some, like Mary Ann are arguing that ketchup implies blood and suffering, but I think what Chairman Bernanke was really talking about was liquidity. Ketchup is, after all, a liquid, and by signaling that we need more of it I think he may in fact have been signaling a rate cut in the near future."
"A rate cut, Mary Ann?"
"Highly unlikely, DC. Inflation is still a concern, and I think by saying 'ketchup' what he was really talking about was adding some thickness and gooeyiness to the economy. I'd be looking for either a rate hike or at least another quarter or two of the status quo."
"Ok, we'll have to leave it at that. I want to thank my guests - Harold Smith, chief economist at Fred, Wilma and Barney Associates and Mary Ann Moore, chief investment strategist at Penny Bank and Trust. Thank you both for being here."
"Nice to be hear"
"Always a pleasure, TM."
"Let's start with the news that's on everyone's mind these days - namely, the subprime mortgage crisis. There's a lot of worry on the street that if New Century Mortgage goes bankrupt it could cripple the entire global economy. What's your take on that? Harry, let's start with you."
"Well, what's happening in the subprime market is unprecedented. There's never been a crisis like it in the entire economic history of the civilized world. The idea that a bank could make bad loans and go out of business is simply unheard of, and I'm afraid that unless Congress intervenes we could be looking at mass unemployment, bread lines, and nuclear winter."
"Mary Ann, do you agree with Harry. Will this be a crisis of apocalyptic proportions?"
"It's revolutionary, TM, however I don't think it would be proper for Congress to intervene at this juncture. If New Century goes under we're advising our clients to secure their doors and windows, make sure they're well armed and well supplied with food and water, and not look to the government to provide security or assistance."
"Sound advice, but what does this mean for the housing market Harry?"
"Housing prices will go up. I mean, they may go down a little at first, but then they'll go up again. They always do."
"Do you also see a recovery in the housing market Mary Ann?"
"Of course. All that this subprime mortgage crisis has done is create a pent-up demand among buyers vainly hoping that houses will become affordable one day. As soon as they get tired of waiting they'll be off to the races again and housing prices will shoot through the roof. I've been around a long time, TM, and I've seen it happen over and over again."
"How about the mortgage lenders? Will they have the money to lend?"
"Are you kidding. If you've got a job and a pulse, there'll be someone there to lend you money (at the right interest rate, of course). Lenders are feeling a little chastened right now, but as soon as the next housing rush starts they'll be as careless with their money as ever."
"Turning away from the subprime mortgage crisis for a second, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke was at a MacDonalds today and was overheard asking for a condiment. What do you make of that? Mary Ann?"
"I believe the exact quote was 'I need more ketchup', TM. I tell you, I didn't overhear the complete conversation but I think the fact that he was low on ketchup and needed more has a lot of significance for the financial markets."
"Why is that?"
"I think it clearly signals that we'll see a rate hike - perhaps as soon as this summer."
"Harry, do you think the chairman was signaling a return to higher rates?"
"Well clearly he didn't say 'we need more ketchup' but rather 'I need more ketchup'. There's been a lot of talk about a rift within the Board of Governors, and by going out his own and saying that 'I need more ketchup' the chairman was at least raising the possibility that he was going to split the vote and make his own decision about interest rates. Whether that's up or down is pure speculation at this point."
"No I disagree..."
"Mary Ann you wanted to say something?"
"I disagree with Harry on this. Chairman Bernanke said I 'need' more ketchup, not I 'want' more ketchup. I think that is a signal to the markets that a rate hike is not an option at this point, but a necessity. I think it's safe to say that another 1/4 point rise is a done deal at this point."
"What about that Harry? He did say I 'need' more ketchup. Doesn't that imply that a rate hike is almost compulsory at this point?"
"We shouldn't forget that he was talking about ketchup here TM. My question would be 'what did he mean by ketchup?' Some, like Mary Ann are arguing that ketchup implies blood and suffering, but I think what Chairman Bernanke was really talking about was liquidity. Ketchup is, after all, a liquid, and by signaling that we need more of it I think he may in fact have been signaling a rate cut in the near future."
"A rate cut, Mary Ann?"
"Highly unlikely, DC. Inflation is still a concern, and I think by saying 'ketchup' what he was really talking about was adding some thickness and gooeyiness to the economy. I'd be looking for either a rate hike or at least another quarter or two of the status quo."
"Ok, we'll have to leave it at that. I want to thank my guests - Harold Smith, chief economist at Fred, Wilma and Barney Associates and Mary Ann Moore, chief investment strategist at Penny Bank and Trust. Thank you both for being here."
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Here, There, and Everywhere
(It's been a while since Dead Cat sat down to talk with Google co-founder Sergey Brin. Since he lives in the area we thought it was time we caught up with him and find out what's cooking at everybody's favorite search engine company. Although he's worth an estimated 16 billion dollars, it's a little known secret that Sergey likes to lunch on 49 cent Jack-In-The-Box tacos. That's where we sat down with him for this interview.)
DC: Sergey, good to talk with you again.
SB: Thanks. Hey, they didn't give me any hot sauce.
DC: Want me to get some for you?
SB: No, it's not important.
DC: So, other than the taco, how are things going? Are Google's plans for world domination still on schedule?
SB: C'mon, you know we're just a search engine company. When you get to be a huge multinational company people tend to overreact, but underneath it all we're still just an internet company, and we certainly don't have any plans for world domination.
DC: On the level?
SB: I've got no further comment on that.
DC: Ok, how about this rumored "Google Phone" that we keep hearing about. Any truth to the rumors?
SB: As you know, Google is constantly researching new technologies and new opportunities for growth. We have been taking a look at the mobile phone market, but it's way too early to know if anything will come of it.
DC: Why the phone business?
SB: Well it's been estimated that there are roughly 2 billion mobile phone users around the world today. That's about 1/3 of the earth's total population. With those kind of numbers it's only natural that advertisers would want to tap into that market, and Google thinks that is going to be a significant market in the future.
DC: You mean ads on our cellphones?
SB: Yes. Traditional advertising to be sure, but we think that with more and more people using their phones for internet access, something unobtrusive like Google AdSense would be a nice fit.
DC: Google's going to put ads on my cellphone? I already pay out the wazoo for cellular service, and now Google wants me to pay to get ads too?
SB: Let me ask you this. How would you feel about a free phone, with no contract, in exchange for a few AdSense ads appearing on your phone? I think many people will find an offer like that very appealing.
DC: It sounds fascist to me. A little big-brotherish, if you know what I mean.
SB: Why would you say that?
DC: Because, it's my phone. I don't want to walk around with a little billboard in my pocket that's constantly messing with my head and trying to get me to buy stuff. A phone is supposed to be something you talk into, not something that's trying to sell you a big screen TV.
SB: I don't think the younger generation sees it that way. I think advertising and brand awareness are very important to them. Let me ask you something, have you ever seen a young person when he's not being advertised to? Have you ever seen them when they're not plugged into something? What happens. They get bored, that's what happened. They get sweaty and anxious without a constant stream of commercials coursing through their brains. That's why branding is so important. A young person today doesn't ask "who am I" or "where did I come from" or "what will I do with my life" - they ask "what's my brand identity?" That's their whole concept of being.
DC: You're mad, Sergey. You know that don't you?
SB: Ad supported is the wave of the future, Dead Cat, and Google is going to be a leader, not a follower.
DC: So what else are you guys working on besides the "Google Phone"?
SB: Well we do have one project that I'm particularly excited about but I'm afraid I can't discuss that now.
DC: Oh c'mon Sergey, you know that no one reads this blog. Believe me, your secret is safe here.
SB: You're sure no one reads this?
DC: Positive.
SB: Ok, try this on for size. How does "Google Dreams" grab you?
DC: "Google Dreams"? You don't mean...
SB: Exactly. Just think about it. We spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping. That's 1/3 of our lives that's been out of the reach of advertisers. At least, until now.
DC: No, no, no...Now wait a minute. Are you saying advertisers are going to put ads into our dreams?
SB: There's been some very exciting work in this field, and we think the technology is just about ready to roll out. What do you think of an AdSense ad that not only appears on your computer screen, but also embeds itself into your subconscious and waits there for you to fall asleep before re-emerging in your dreams?
DC: I don't think I'll ever want to fall asleep again.
SB: The money Google can make from selling AdWords would be enormous. How much do you think it would be worth for a brand like Folgers or Maxwell House to buy a word like "coffee" and insert it in your dreams, so that when you wake up in the morning the first thing you're thinking is "Mmmmm, I sure could go for a cup of Folgers." Or MacDonalds, maybe. They might like to buy "hungry" so that you'd wake up craving one of their breakfast combo meals. I tell you the potential is enormous.
DC: Or Pfizer could buy the words "Angelina Jolie" so that everytime you dream of her you'd get a Viagra ad.
SB: Exactly! Something like that.
DC: Google ads on my desktop, Google ads on my laptop, Google ads on my cellphone, and now Google ads in my dreams. My God, you guys really are planning to take over the world.
SB: We're just bringing new efficiencies to the market, that's all, and the internet has made it possible.
DC: Now you've got me scared, Sergey. Anything else on Google's radar screen?
SB: "Google Graves"?
DC: Google what?
SB: You know funerals are very expensive. I think a lot of people would gladly accept some discreet, tasteful advertising in exchange for a free funeral service and grave site.
DC: Advertising? Where?
SB: On the headstone. You know, maybe a 1-800-flowers ad or something like that. Very respectful. Or maybe a health spa ad. You know, a 24 hour Fitness or someone like that could place something on the headstone as well.
DC: You mean something like "Don't end up like Fred. Call 24 Hour Fitness for your free trial membership."
SB: Sure. Something like that.
DC: Well thanks for talking with us Sergey. As always, it's been a frightening look into the future.
SB: Don't be frightened. When the world finally let's go of its fear and goes Google, it will be a better place.
DC: Now I'm really scared.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Man Candy
Did I just spend $1,100 for a pair of sunglasses? Well, yes, I did, but thanks to the miracle of modern health care they only set me back $400 bucks. I don't know how I ended up with such a generous vision plan, but all I can say is "thank god for full employment" (knock on wood).
So what do you get for $1,100 that you couldn't get for $9.99 at Walgreens? How about a pair of Maui Jim's with a flexon titanium frame and polarized, polycarbonate progressive lenses. These things are light and strong (unbreakable, or so flexon claims), and, if I do so myself, very sexy looking.
I mean, let's be honest here; I look good in these glasses. What can I say. Some people are just naturally cool, and these are some cool looking shades. That's a picture of me over on the left there. Well...almost. It's basically what I look like if instead of a young, hunky looking guy wearing his Maui Jim's you imagine some old, fat guy wearing his Maui Jim's, but the basic idea is the same.Yeah, the chicks dig me, and why not. You take all that raw, animal magnetism and dress it up in a pair of Maui Jim's, and the ladies don't stand a chance, you know what I mean. You don't? You think I'm kidding? Well, I just want all you guys out there, all of you losers who don't have a cool pair of shades, to take a look at the picture below and see the kind of action I'm geting. Ha, eat your heart out.
(Maybe with a facelift and some liposuction I could be getting that kind of action)
Anyways, I think I'm gonna go down to da' club now and hang for a while. Not to drink or anything like that, but just to stand there with my Maui Jim's and strike sexy poses. You know, with one hand in my pocket and a sort of masculine stare on my face that betrays nothing but promises everything. Yeah, the chicks really go for that sort of thing.
So see ya' later, and if there's no blog post tomorrow that just means I'm busy with the ladies. Oh yeah.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I Read The News Today, Oh Boy
As if people talking on their cellphones while driving wasn't bad enough, read this article from the Wall Street Journal (subscription required) that describes the new phenomena called DWT, or Driving While Texting. Yep, that's right. It seems that increasing numbers of drivers are either checking their email or SMS'ing or IM'ing while driving their vehicles. According to the article, 37% of drivers between the ages of 18 and 27 do it, and why not. What better thing to do while you're screaming down the highway at 70 mph than squinting down to look at a little 3 inch screen. I tell ya', with all the distracted drivers on the roads it's getting to the point where it's just not safe to leave your driveway anymore.
Of course nowadays your higher-end cars you have radar that can detect when you're getting to close to another vehicle, and I guess they should probably get those things installed on all new cars as soon as possible. That way you can be talking on the phone and checking your email and eating your lunch and watching TV and playing video games, all while reading the paper or putting on your makeup, and if you get too close to another vehicle the radar will kick in and perform some sort of evasive maneuver for you. That's what it's gonna come to, you know. Instead of attentively streaming through the capillaries and arteries of our roads and highway systems, we'll all be doing other things as our cars electronically bounce off each other like a bunch of ping pong balls. Probably take a half a day just to go 2 blocks, but hey, at least we'll be entertained.
Ooh boy, I wanna tell you...
(ding-dong)
What's that? Uh-oh, someone's at the door. Maybe if I'm real quiet they'll think nobody's home.
(ding-dong, ding-dong)
Crap. I wonder who it is? You know, maybe I told you this story, but one time around New Years the doorbell rang, and I went down to answer it, and when I opened the door there was one of the most beautiful Vietnamese women I ever saw in my life standing on my doorstep. Apparently she was looking for her friend's house and got the addresses mixed up, and it was like -
"Hello. Is this the Tran residence?"
"What."
"Does Linda Tran live here?"
(Now keep in mind this woman was incredibly fine. What us old timers would call a looker, with long, silky black hair, gorgeous eyes, a beautiful face and a sleek, slender body. Grrrrrrr......)
"The Tran residence?", I said, my eyes staring right at her and my pulse running about 300 beats per second. "Yeah, this is the Tran residence. Sure, why not. C'mon in."
"No, I'm looking for Linda. Is there a Linda here?"
"Oh, you're one of Linda's friends. She's my sister...my, uh, older sister. She just went down to the store but she should be right back. Why don't you come in and wait."
"No, I think I must have the wrong house."
"Oh, don't say that. It's the right house. Believe me, it's the right house. This house. This house is the right house."
"Is this ____________?"
"___________? Um, um...no, I'm sorry. _________ is the next street over."
"Oh, I thought this didn't seem right. I must have missed my turn. Well, thank you. You've been very helpful."
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to come in? (Please, please, come in. Don't make me beg.) You know, warm your bones a little. It's pretty cold out tonight."
"No, no thanks. Maybe some other time. Well, thanks for your help."
"Some other time? Did you say some other time? When? Tomorrow? Next week? How about later on tonight? I'll be here. I don't have anything to do except post to my stupid blog. Please come by again. Please. Do you need my number? Please come back. Please"
And she was gone.
(Unlike 90% of what I post that's a true story. Well, more or less.)
(ding-dong, ding-dong)
Alright already. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that's her. Maybe that's that Vietnames girl. Maybe she decided to come back after all. I better go answer the door.
"Hello, is this the Myers residence?"
"Yes."
"Mr. Myers my name is Bob and I'm doing a survey for BigMedia, Inc. I wonder if you'd have a couple of minutes to answer a few questions about public sentiment?"
"Public sentiment?"
"Yes, that's right. We're trying to get an overall picture of just how the public is feeling these days. It won't take more than a minute if you don't mind."
"I don't mind."
"Good. First, can I ask you how you are feeling about life in general?"
"Pretty good. It's a beautiful day, I got my health, and nothing to complain about."
"Well, as you know the stock market has been taking quite a tumble lately. How does that make you feel?"
"Yeah, well that's kind of a bummer. But hey, it'll come back, and besides, I still got the house."
"What about housing prices? As you know they've been falling and foreclosures are on the rise."
"Yeah, I guess that's kind of a bummer too. I am feeling a little poorer come to think of it."
"Has the rising price of gasoline affected you in any way?"
"It's getting pretty expensive. Forty bucks to fill my tank, and I drive a fuel efficient car. Man, stocks are down, house prices are down, gas is up, and..."
"How about the war in Iraq? Are you comfortable with what's being accomplished there and the mounting casualties?"
"Well, no, how could I be. Yeah, come to think of it we've got falling stocks, falling house prices, rising gasoline, a war in Iraq, and ..."
"Does the gridlock in Washington concern you?"
"You know maybe I'm not that happy after all."
"Crime, pollution, corruption?"
"I think I'm getting a headache."
"Terrorism?"
"I think I need to go lie down."
"Corporate greed, government incompetence?"
"Please, no more, no more."
"Declining standards, failing schools, global warm..."
"All right, all right. You win. I feel terrible, ok. I feel just awful."
"Then you'd say you're feeling pessimistic about the future?"
"Yes, yes. We're all doomed."
"Thank you, that's all we wanted to know. BigMedia would like to thank you for your cooperation. Have a pleasant evening."
"I think I'm gonna go down to the garage and shoot myself. Good night and thanks for stopping by."
Well, that was certainly interesting. Let me see, what was I talking about before I got interrupted. Oh yeah...ah, who cares. We're all doomed, and nothing can save us except...
I wonder if that Vietnamese girl meant it when she said "some other time"?
Of course nowadays your higher-end cars you have radar that can detect when you're getting to close to another vehicle, and I guess they should probably get those things installed on all new cars as soon as possible. That way you can be talking on the phone and checking your email and eating your lunch and watching TV and playing video games, all while reading the paper or putting on your makeup, and if you get too close to another vehicle the radar will kick in and perform some sort of evasive maneuver for you. That's what it's gonna come to, you know. Instead of attentively streaming through the capillaries and arteries of our roads and highway systems, we'll all be doing other things as our cars electronically bounce off each other like a bunch of ping pong balls. Probably take a half a day just to go 2 blocks, but hey, at least we'll be entertained.
Ooh boy, I wanna tell you...
(ding-dong)
What's that? Uh-oh, someone's at the door. Maybe if I'm real quiet they'll think nobody's home.
(ding-dong, ding-dong)
Crap. I wonder who it is? You know, maybe I told you this story, but one time around New Years the doorbell rang, and I went down to answer it, and when I opened the door there was one of the most beautiful Vietnamese women I ever saw in my life standing on my doorstep. Apparently she was looking for her friend's house and got the addresses mixed up, and it was like -
"Hello. Is this the Tran residence?"
"What."
"Does Linda Tran live here?"
(Now keep in mind this woman was incredibly fine. What us old timers would call a looker, with long, silky black hair, gorgeous eyes, a beautiful face and a sleek, slender body. Grrrrrrr......)
"The Tran residence?", I said, my eyes staring right at her and my pulse running about 300 beats per second. "Yeah, this is the Tran residence. Sure, why not. C'mon in."
"No, I'm looking for Linda. Is there a Linda here?"
"Oh, you're one of Linda's friends. She's my sister...my, uh, older sister. She just went down to the store but she should be right back. Why don't you come in and wait."
"No, I think I must have the wrong house."
"Oh, don't say that. It's the right house. Believe me, it's the right house. This house. This house is the right house."
"Is this ____________?"
"___________? Um, um...no, I'm sorry. _________ is the next street over."
"Oh, I thought this didn't seem right. I must have missed my turn. Well, thank you. You've been very helpful."
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to come in? (Please, please, come in. Don't make me beg.) You know, warm your bones a little. It's pretty cold out tonight."
"No, no thanks. Maybe some other time. Well, thanks for your help."
"Some other time? Did you say some other time? When? Tomorrow? Next week? How about later on tonight? I'll be here. I don't have anything to do except post to my stupid blog. Please come by again. Please. Do you need my number? Please come back. Please"
And she was gone.
(Unlike 90% of what I post that's a true story. Well, more or less.)
(ding-dong, ding-dong)
Alright already. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that's her. Maybe that's that Vietnames girl. Maybe she decided to come back after all. I better go answer the door.
"Hello, is this the Myers residence?"
"Yes."
"Mr. Myers my name is Bob and I'm doing a survey for BigMedia, Inc. I wonder if you'd have a couple of minutes to answer a few questions about public sentiment?"
"Public sentiment?"
"Yes, that's right. We're trying to get an overall picture of just how the public is feeling these days. It won't take more than a minute if you don't mind."
"I don't mind."
"Good. First, can I ask you how you are feeling about life in general?"
"Pretty good. It's a beautiful day, I got my health, and nothing to complain about."
"Well, as you know the stock market has been taking quite a tumble lately. How does that make you feel?"
"Yeah, well that's kind of a bummer. But hey, it'll come back, and besides, I still got the house."
"What about housing prices? As you know they've been falling and foreclosures are on the rise."
"Yeah, I guess that's kind of a bummer too. I am feeling a little poorer come to think of it."
"Has the rising price of gasoline affected you in any way?"
"It's getting pretty expensive. Forty bucks to fill my tank, and I drive a fuel efficient car. Man, stocks are down, house prices are down, gas is up, and..."
"How about the war in Iraq? Are you comfortable with what's being accomplished there and the mounting casualties?"
"Well, no, how could I be. Yeah, come to think of it we've got falling stocks, falling house prices, rising gasoline, a war in Iraq, and ..."
"Does the gridlock in Washington concern you?"
"You know maybe I'm not that happy after all."
"Crime, pollution, corruption?"
"I think I'm getting a headache."
"Terrorism?"
"I think I need to go lie down."
"Corporate greed, government incompetence?"
"Please, no more, no more."
"Declining standards, failing schools, global warm..."
"All right, all right. You win. I feel terrible, ok. I feel just awful."
"Then you'd say you're feeling pessimistic about the future?"
"Yes, yes. We're all doomed."
"Thank you, that's all we wanted to know. BigMedia would like to thank you for your cooperation. Have a pleasant evening."
"I think I'm gonna go down to the garage and shoot myself. Good night and thanks for stopping by."
Well, that was certainly interesting. Let me see, what was I talking about before I got interrupted. Oh yeah...ah, who cares. We're all doomed, and nothing can save us except...
I wonder if that Vietnamese girl meant it when she said "some other time"?
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Elgar Was Self-Taught You Know
They sent Scooter off to jail today. Well, not really. They convicted him, though, and I'm sure everyone in America is relieved to know they got the mastermind behind the whole Valerie Plame affair.
What's that? You think this thing doesn't stop at Scooter? You think there might have been higher-ups involved? Tsk, tsk. What a skeptical public we've become.
Oh well, it was Scooter that got thrown to the lions, and that's the game they play up there in Washington, I guess.
Anyways, you're probably wondering how my piano practice is going. Pretty good, actually, except that I've completely lost the use of my right hand. Well, not completely, but it's awful hard to make a closed fist or hang on to a can of soda (damn things keep slipping out of my hand). What's even worse is that picking up a guitar again after 20 years of not playing has had the opposite effect on my other hand. Fingering the strings seems to have put my left hand into a perpetual state of close-fistedness.
So there you have it. In medical school I think this is a situation they call "the mind is willing but the body says 'Dude, what are you doing?'" If you don't know what I'm talking about then you just wait. You'll start piling on the years and you'll see what's it's like to need a magnifying glass to read food labels or a few extra seconds to work your way out of the easy chair. You just wait, 'cause it'll happen to you.
So if I have any words of advice for all you elder statesmen out there who might decide to start playing the piano at an age beyond what common sense would otherwise dictate, it would be this: Go slow- very, very slow. For starters, I'd say a half hour of practice three times a week would be plenty. Then, after a month, maybe a half hour every other day, or something like that.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT make the mistake of thinking that your fingers don't know that you're not a ten year old kid anymore. I've been there and done that, and now it's all I can do to get enough grip in my hand to keep from dropping my fork at the dinner table.
Still, that keyboard is lots of fun. If you don't have any worthwhile hobbies or pursuits and you're looking for something to do with your time, then I'd highly recommend getting one. Just to play around with, if nothing else. I probably shouldn't mention this but that software I'm using taught me how to play the "Ode To Joy" the baby way, but, and I don't want to brag here, I figured out how to play it the right way - using two hands no less. Ha, is that talent or what?
Anyways, sore fingers means less piano practice which means more blogging time, so look for more to come here at the Dead Cat and over at Fiddle News. I know how excited you must be to hear that. And of course, I've still got that opera to write. I hope I can learn the piano real quick 'cause I want to get started on that. Right now, though it's time for me to go soak my fingers.
It's such a pain getting old.
What's that? You think this thing doesn't stop at Scooter? You think there might have been higher-ups involved? Tsk, tsk. What a skeptical public we've become.
Oh well, it was Scooter that got thrown to the lions, and that's the game they play up there in Washington, I guess.
Anyways, you're probably wondering how my piano practice is going. Pretty good, actually, except that I've completely lost the use of my right hand. Well, not completely, but it's awful hard to make a closed fist or hang on to a can of soda (damn things keep slipping out of my hand). What's even worse is that picking up a guitar again after 20 years of not playing has had the opposite effect on my other hand. Fingering the strings seems to have put my left hand into a perpetual state of close-fistedness.
So there you have it. In medical school I think this is a situation they call "the mind is willing but the body says 'Dude, what are you doing?'" If you don't know what I'm talking about then you just wait. You'll start piling on the years and you'll see what's it's like to need a magnifying glass to read food labels or a few extra seconds to work your way out of the easy chair. You just wait, 'cause it'll happen to you.
So if I have any words of advice for all you elder statesmen out there who might decide to start playing the piano at an age beyond what common sense would otherwise dictate, it would be this: Go slow- very, very slow. For starters, I'd say a half hour of practice three times a week would be plenty. Then, after a month, maybe a half hour every other day, or something like that.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT make the mistake of thinking that your fingers don't know that you're not a ten year old kid anymore. I've been there and done that, and now it's all I can do to get enough grip in my hand to keep from dropping my fork at the dinner table.
Still, that keyboard is lots of fun. If you don't have any worthwhile hobbies or pursuits and you're looking for something to do with your time, then I'd highly recommend getting one. Just to play around with, if nothing else. I probably shouldn't mention this but that software I'm using taught me how to play the "Ode To Joy" the baby way, but, and I don't want to brag here, I figured out how to play it the right way - using two hands no less. Ha, is that talent or what?
Anyways, sore fingers means less piano practice which means more blogging time, so look for more to come here at the Dead Cat and over at Fiddle News. I know how excited you must be to hear that. And of course, I've still got that opera to write. I hope I can learn the piano real quick 'cause I want to get started on that. Right now, though it's time for me to go soak my fingers.
It's such a pain getting old.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Once I Built a Railroad
So what if the markets were down about 3 to 4 percent today - look on the bright side: It's not everyday that you can go to sleep thousands of dollars poorer than when you woke up. Just imagine how dull life would be if we just kept getting richer and richer all the time.
(yawn)
I say "easy come, easy go". After all, it's only money. It's only food and shelter. It's only the mortgage payment and the insurance and the electric bill and the water bill and the food on the table and that little something extra you were hoping would see you through your old age. It's only MONEY.
Aaahhh. Well, like they say, the stock market is no place for sissies. If you're gonna jump out a window every time your net worth takes a beating then maybe you should just put your money in a mattress and take up needlepoint or something. Right? If you're gonna be an investor then you (cough) better (sniffle) be (sob) tough.
(Waaahhhhh....what happened to all my money? Waahhhhh....I knew I should have sold everything last week. Waaahhhhh....It isn't fair. Waaahhhh....I want my money back.)
No, no, no. I'm just kidding. My motto is invest for the long haul and always look for new opportunities in the vicissitudes of the market. When life hands him a basketful of lemons, the shrewd investor doesn't complain; he just finds new ways to capitalize on the misery of others. So, Dead Cat, I hear you asking, where should I be investing my money given what has just happened in the market today? Well, I'm glad you asked.
As a matter of fact I discuss that very topic in this month's issue of my "Rich Cat, Poor Dad" newsletter. You'll get investment advice, harebrained analysis, pithy quotes, baffling charts, columns and columns of pointless statistics, and highly suspect first-person testimonials that you just know can't possibly be true - all for the low introductory price of $699 per year. But wait, order your subscription before March 1, 2007 and I'll also include, free of charge, my "Ten Secrets Every Power Investor Should Know". Learn the secrets of the pros - puts, calls, covered calls, naked puts, naked putts, naked golf, naked christmas parties - it's all there. Learn when to split, when to double down, when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, invest like a pro and see your returns double and triple, all within the first week.
That's right. You get my "Rich Cat" newsletter plus the "Ten Secrets Every Power Investor Should Know" all for the low price of just $699 per year. Act now and as your special gift we'll also include our "Rich Cat" datebook and planner with the special "Rich Cat" logo on the cover, because, who doesn't need one of those.
Operators are standing by, and in the meantime just remember - money comes and money goes, but hemorrhoids are forever.
(Yeah, I know. That last joke was pretty stupid. If I wasn't so poor I'd come up with something better)
(yawn)
I say "easy come, easy go". After all, it's only money. It's only food and shelter. It's only the mortgage payment and the insurance and the electric bill and the water bill and the food on the table and that little something extra you were hoping would see you through your old age. It's only MONEY.
Aaahhh. Well, like they say, the stock market is no place for sissies. If you're gonna jump out a window every time your net worth takes a beating then maybe you should just put your money in a mattress and take up needlepoint or something. Right? If you're gonna be an investor then you (cough) better (sniffle) be (sob) tough.
(Waaahhhhh....what happened to all my money? Waahhhhh....I knew I should have sold everything last week. Waaahhhhh....It isn't fair. Waaahhhh....I want my money back.)
No, no, no. I'm just kidding. My motto is invest for the long haul and always look for new opportunities in the vicissitudes of the market. When life hands him a basketful of lemons, the shrewd investor doesn't complain; he just finds new ways to capitalize on the misery of others. So, Dead Cat, I hear you asking, where should I be investing my money given what has just happened in the market today? Well, I'm glad you asked.
As a matter of fact I discuss that very topic in this month's issue of my "Rich Cat, Poor Dad" newsletter. You'll get investment advice, harebrained analysis, pithy quotes, baffling charts, columns and columns of pointless statistics, and highly suspect first-person testimonials that you just know can't possibly be true - all for the low introductory price of $699 per year. But wait, order your subscription before March 1, 2007 and I'll also include, free of charge, my "Ten Secrets Every Power Investor Should Know". Learn the secrets of the pros - puts, calls, covered calls, naked puts, naked putts, naked golf, naked christmas parties - it's all there. Learn when to split, when to double down, when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, invest like a pro and see your returns double and triple, all within the first week.
That's right. You get my "Rich Cat" newsletter plus the "Ten Secrets Every Power Investor Should Know" all for the low price of just $699 per year. Act now and as your special gift we'll also include our "Rich Cat" datebook and planner with the special "Rich Cat" logo on the cover, because, who doesn't need one of those.
Operators are standing by, and in the meantime just remember - money comes and money goes, but hemorrhoids are forever.
(Yeah, I know. That last joke was pretty stupid. If I wasn't so poor I'd come up with something better)
Monday, February 19, 2007
Go Johnny Go
Happy President's Day. Picked up an amp for my new guitar today, so I'm all set to start jammin'. Unfortunately, my fingers are too sore to do any typing, so I thought I'd just post this picture of me with my new Epiphone instead. Enjoy.
Rock on, man.
Rock on, man.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
The Many Faces of Eve
That was the Super Bowl, wasn't it? I just want to be sure because that would mean the Bears were supposed to be a Super Bowl caliber team, wouldn't it? Maybe they should make football more like figure skating and have some kind of compulsory round before they get to the final competition. You know, just to make sure that the teams can perform the basic functions like passing the ball to the right team and, oh, I don't know, maybe handling the snap from center. It might have saved that Grossman guy a lot of embarrassment.
Not that it was his fault. The Colt's offensive line pretty much pushed the Bears defensive line around the entire night. The real suprise was that the score wasn't more one-sided than it was. Either way it didn't make any difference to me. This should have been the Chargers year, and I'm mighty disappointed that they fell out of contention so early in the playoffs. Yeah, I know. Next year, next year...Out with the Colts, and in with the Bolts!
Anyways, that was the news down in Florida. Around here there were a couple of big stories you might not have heard about, the first one being that I've been sick (again) for the past few days. Yes, that's right. This is the third time I've come down with the bug since last summer, and I don't know why that is, but I'm sure it must have something to do with global warming. Whatever the cause, I don't want to be sick no more.
The other big story concerns the Mayor of San Francisco and a certain dalliance with the wife of one of his best friends. Now this isn't a gossip blog and I'm not going to go into the details, but it is interesting to see the reaction it got around town.
One of the local news stations sent a reporter to do some "man-on-the-street" interviews, and you couldn't have found a more clear-cut divide between males and females on the issue. To the men, a guy who sleeps with his best friend's wife is basically a scumbag, or on a scale of high to low would rate somewhere around subterranean. The men all felt the guy had some serious character issues and showed a real lack of ethical or moral substance. In other words, not the kind of guy you'd trust with your sister.
On the other hand, the woman interviewed didn't see the affair as that big a deal. They didn't think it showed any kind of character flaw or moral lapse in the Mayor, and a few even found the whole thing kind of sexy. None felt it changed their opinion of the Mayor one way or the other.
Which raises the question "is moral right and wrong really just a question of whose ox is being gored?" In other words, women might not see anything wrong with a married woman having an affair with a single man, but would they feel the same if the situation were reversed? Would they be so sanguine if this were a case of a married man having an affair with a single woman? Say, a married President having and affair with an unmarried intern?
You know, thinking back on the whole Monicagate thing, it doesn't seem to me that women, in general, were all that upset with the President. I don't remember any protests in the street or anything like that. In fact, I seem to remember just the opposite. I seem to remember certain women's groups actually rallying to the President's defense during his impeachment hearings (I'd fact check that but I don't feel like it right now. I think that's what happened though. Didn't it?)
So what does this mean? Does this mean that fidelity means more to men than it does to women? Do women actually find philandering husbands kind of sexy (as long as he's not "her" philandering husband)? I don't know, but it does bring to mind an old movie I saw once. I'm sorry I can't remember the name or who was in it, but there was this one scene where a young woman is torn between two men and comes to an older woman for advice. She tells the older woman that the one is responsible and steady, but a bit of a bore, while the other is an irresponsible ne'er-do-well, but devishly fun. She can't decide which one she should marry so she asks the older woman what she would do. The older woman replies "It's very simple, my dear. Marry the responsible one, and keep the other for a lover."
So, maybe from the female perspective, a married woman taking the Mayor for a lover was just doing what any woman would do. Geez, that's a depressing thought...
Well, Happy Valentine's Day all you husbands out there.
Not that it was his fault. The Colt's offensive line pretty much pushed the Bears defensive line around the entire night. The real suprise was that the score wasn't more one-sided than it was. Either way it didn't make any difference to me. This should have been the Chargers year, and I'm mighty disappointed that they fell out of contention so early in the playoffs. Yeah, I know. Next year, next year...Out with the Colts, and in with the Bolts!
Anyways, that was the news down in Florida. Around here there were a couple of big stories you might not have heard about, the first one being that I've been sick (again) for the past few days. Yes, that's right. This is the third time I've come down with the bug since last summer, and I don't know why that is, but I'm sure it must have something to do with global warming. Whatever the cause, I don't want to be sick no more.
The other big story concerns the Mayor of San Francisco and a certain dalliance with the wife of one of his best friends. Now this isn't a gossip blog and I'm not going to go into the details, but it is interesting to see the reaction it got around town.
One of the local news stations sent a reporter to do some "man-on-the-street" interviews, and you couldn't have found a more clear-cut divide between males and females on the issue. To the men, a guy who sleeps with his best friend's wife is basically a scumbag, or on a scale of high to low would rate somewhere around subterranean. The men all felt the guy had some serious character issues and showed a real lack of ethical or moral substance. In other words, not the kind of guy you'd trust with your sister.
On the other hand, the woman interviewed didn't see the affair as that big a deal. They didn't think it showed any kind of character flaw or moral lapse in the Mayor, and a few even found the whole thing kind of sexy. None felt it changed their opinion of the Mayor one way or the other.
Which raises the question "is moral right and wrong really just a question of whose ox is being gored?" In other words, women might not see anything wrong with a married woman having an affair with a single man, but would they feel the same if the situation were reversed? Would they be so sanguine if this were a case of a married man having an affair with a single woman? Say, a married President having and affair with an unmarried intern?
You know, thinking back on the whole Monicagate thing, it doesn't seem to me that women, in general, were all that upset with the President. I don't remember any protests in the street or anything like that. In fact, I seem to remember just the opposite. I seem to remember certain women's groups actually rallying to the President's defense during his impeachment hearings (I'd fact check that but I don't feel like it right now. I think that's what happened though. Didn't it?)
So what does this mean? Does this mean that fidelity means more to men than it does to women? Do women actually find philandering husbands kind of sexy (as long as he's not "her" philandering husband)? I don't know, but it does bring to mind an old movie I saw once. I'm sorry I can't remember the name or who was in it, but there was this one scene where a young woman is torn between two men and comes to an older woman for advice. She tells the older woman that the one is responsible and steady, but a bit of a bore, while the other is an irresponsible ne'er-do-well, but devishly fun. She can't decide which one she should marry so she asks the older woman what she would do. The older woman replies "It's very simple, my dear. Marry the responsible one, and keep the other for a lover."
So, maybe from the female perspective, a married woman taking the Mayor for a lover was just doing what any woman would do. Geez, that's a depressing thought...
Well, Happy Valentine's Day all you husbands out there.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Some of My Best Friends are Modernists
"Hello, I'm Peggy Jones, and this is New Breeze"
(cue the music)
"On today's show we talk with painter Colin Palmer, whose new exhibit at the Harper Museum has created a firestorm of controversy over it's irreverent depictions of historical world figures such as Abraham Lincoln and Mother Teresa. The exhibit ends its run at the Harper next week, and then will be moving on for a 6 week showing at the M.W. Simpson Museum in Chicago. Colin Palmer, welcome to New Breeze."
"Thank you Peggy. It's a pleasure to be here."
"Tell me about the exhibit. Were you suprised by the amount of controversy it's created?"
"Yes I was. As an artist, of course, I always want to try to provoke the audience and really get them to think about my paintings and the issues surrounding them, but, frankly, I've been a little overwhelmed by the amount of criticism and really nasty things that people in the media have been saying about me. I just never expected this kind of hostility."
"Do you mean hostility in any kind of a physical way, or..."
"No, not physical. Just a very outspoken kind of backlash, I guess."
"One of the paintings that has been the subject of a lot of criticism is your 'Lincoln Taking a Leak'. Why did you paint that, and why do you think people are so upset by it?"
"Well, people like Abraham Lincoln and Mother Teresa have become so iconic..."
"You're referring to 'Mother Teresa Gets Her Colonoscopy', another one of your paintings on exhibit?"
"Yes, that's right. These historical figures have become so iconic that they've become almost meaningless in modern society. As an artist, I wanted to shatter these icons and try to find a new perspective and insight into who these people really were. I didn't want to just be a portraitist, but really change the entire way we think of them."
"So, by painting Abraham Lincoln urinating in the bushes, you think people will, I don't know, re-examine their attitudes and beliefs?"
"Sure. Lincoln wasn't just the man who abolished slavery and preserved the union, but he was also a person; a person who eats and sleeps and has to go to the bathroom. When I concieved this painting I found that idea very deep."
"But tell me, don't you think people know that Lincoln had to go to the bathroom? Are there people who assume that he just held it in?"
"On a certain level, sure, people know that. But what I'm interested in is raising people's consciousness and forcing them to confront subjects that they might otherwise want to avoid."
"The Reverend Johnny Tripgood of the conservative religious organization Citizens for a Decent America has called you're exhibit obscene, and does not think taxpayer dollars should be used to fund exhibits that are patently offensive to decent church-going folk. What do you say to that, and how much influence do you think the taxpayers should have over what and what doesn't recieve funding in the arts?"
"I don't think the taxpayers or anyone else is qualified to say what is and isn't art, or what and what shouldn't recieve funding. It's hard to judge what is good art and what isn't, and I think that's why it's so crucial nowdays for artists like myself and others to be opposed by the religious right. It helps the public sort out the really important art from the mediocre."
"In other words, criticism from the right sort of sets the agenda for what is important art as opposed to what is unimportant?"
"Exactly. If a piece of art is being criticized by Reverend Tripgood, for example, then that attracts the media and let's the public know that 'Hey, this is something I should be paying attention to.' It's very important for an artist to get that kind of reaction from the right in order to legitimize his or her efforts. We consider it a kind of Merit Badge in the arts community."
"I'd like to ask you a personal question now, and if it's too personal then please don't feel like you have to answer it. But, your wife left you soon after you were married. Is that right?"
"Yes, on our wedding night."
"On your wedding night? Did she ever tell you why?"
"No, we were getting ready for bed and she told me she had to go get a pack of cigarettes, and I haven't seen her since. I should have known something was wrong because she didn't smoke."
"You haven't heard from her at all?"
"Not a word."
"What kind of effect did that have on you? It must have affected your art?"
"It taught me never to trust anyone ever again. People are all a bunch of scumbags anyways, Peggy. That's how it seems to me, and that's why I like to demean and degrade people in my paintings. They're all just scumbags. Abraham Lincoln? He was a scumbag. Mother Teresa? She was a scumbag too."
"Well, Colin Palmer, thank you so much for talking with us today."
"Thank you for having me."
"Coming up after the break, we talk with Darlene May, an avowed atheist who has just been ordained by the U.S. Diocese of the Episcopal Church. Does a person have to believe in God in order to be an Episcopal priest? We'll talk with Darlene May, plus, classical music critic Lawrence Cooper reviews the new CD by hot Latvian violinist babe Baiba Skride. That's all coming up on New Breeze."
(cue the music)
-----------------------------------------------
And now this...
If there's one positive thing you can say about the seventies, it's that we knew how to rock and roll back then. If you're old to enough to know what I'm talking about, then you probably remember a time when rock and roll was upbeat and all about having fun.
Anyways, that's what came to my mind when I saw Peter Frampton on the TV the other night. He wasn't singing about guns and violence and sexin' up his bitch. He was just playing his guitar and turning the amp up to eleven and having a good time.
That's the seventies I remember - all that great guitar rock, and it was great seeing Peter Frampton get up there and do some old time, seventies style jamming. So today I just had to get out my old MP3 player and crank up some of those old tunes, and man, they sounded great. True, I'm not fifteen anymore. My tastes have changed and my musical horizons have definitely been expanded, but every now and then it's great to go back and be fifteen again, if only for a little while.
The only reason I'm mentioning this is because I put together a little mix for myself, and I thought maybe some other people might enjoy listening to it too. It's all old seventies guitar rock and it's not something I'm legally supposed to do, but what the heck. If you want to rock like it's 1975, then here's my 70's mix. It's about 35 minutes long and about a 33 meg download. It has Johnny Winter doing "Johnny B. Goode", Robin Trower's "Day of the Eagle", Montrose with "Space Station No. 5", Pat Travers' "Rock 'n Roll Susie", Lou Reed singing "Rock and Roll", Journey saying you can go home again and travelling to "Mystery Mountain", and ends with a nice mellow "Song of the Wind" by Carlos Santana. Enjoy.
(cue the music)
"On today's show we talk with painter Colin Palmer, whose new exhibit at the Harper Museum has created a firestorm of controversy over it's irreverent depictions of historical world figures such as Abraham Lincoln and Mother Teresa. The exhibit ends its run at the Harper next week, and then will be moving on for a 6 week showing at the M.W. Simpson Museum in Chicago. Colin Palmer, welcome to New Breeze."
"Thank you Peggy. It's a pleasure to be here."
"Tell me about the exhibit. Were you suprised by the amount of controversy it's created?"
"Yes I was. As an artist, of course, I always want to try to provoke the audience and really get them to think about my paintings and the issues surrounding them, but, frankly, I've been a little overwhelmed by the amount of criticism and really nasty things that people in the media have been saying about me. I just never expected this kind of hostility."
"Do you mean hostility in any kind of a physical way, or..."
"No, not physical. Just a very outspoken kind of backlash, I guess."
"One of the paintings that has been the subject of a lot of criticism is your 'Lincoln Taking a Leak'. Why did you paint that, and why do you think people are so upset by it?"
"Well, people like Abraham Lincoln and Mother Teresa have become so iconic..."
"You're referring to 'Mother Teresa Gets Her Colonoscopy', another one of your paintings on exhibit?"
"Yes, that's right. These historical figures have become so iconic that they've become almost meaningless in modern society. As an artist, I wanted to shatter these icons and try to find a new perspective and insight into who these people really were. I didn't want to just be a portraitist, but really change the entire way we think of them."
"So, by painting Abraham Lincoln urinating in the bushes, you think people will, I don't know, re-examine their attitudes and beliefs?"
"Sure. Lincoln wasn't just the man who abolished slavery and preserved the union, but he was also a person; a person who eats and sleeps and has to go to the bathroom. When I concieved this painting I found that idea very deep."
"But tell me, don't you think people know that Lincoln had to go to the bathroom? Are there people who assume that he just held it in?"
"On a certain level, sure, people know that. But what I'm interested in is raising people's consciousness and forcing them to confront subjects that they might otherwise want to avoid."
"The Reverend Johnny Tripgood of the conservative religious organization Citizens for a Decent America has called you're exhibit obscene, and does not think taxpayer dollars should be used to fund exhibits that are patently offensive to decent church-going folk. What do you say to that, and how much influence do you think the taxpayers should have over what and what doesn't recieve funding in the arts?"
"I don't think the taxpayers or anyone else is qualified to say what is and isn't art, or what and what shouldn't recieve funding. It's hard to judge what is good art and what isn't, and I think that's why it's so crucial nowdays for artists like myself and others to be opposed by the religious right. It helps the public sort out the really important art from the mediocre."
"In other words, criticism from the right sort of sets the agenda for what is important art as opposed to what is unimportant?"
"Exactly. If a piece of art is being criticized by Reverend Tripgood, for example, then that attracts the media and let's the public know that 'Hey, this is something I should be paying attention to.' It's very important for an artist to get that kind of reaction from the right in order to legitimize his or her efforts. We consider it a kind of Merit Badge in the arts community."
"I'd like to ask you a personal question now, and if it's too personal then please don't feel like you have to answer it. But, your wife left you soon after you were married. Is that right?"
"Yes, on our wedding night."
"On your wedding night? Did she ever tell you why?"
"No, we were getting ready for bed and she told me she had to go get a pack of cigarettes, and I haven't seen her since. I should have known something was wrong because she didn't smoke."
"You haven't heard from her at all?"
"Not a word."
"What kind of effect did that have on you? It must have affected your art?"
"It taught me never to trust anyone ever again. People are all a bunch of scumbags anyways, Peggy. That's how it seems to me, and that's why I like to demean and degrade people in my paintings. They're all just scumbags. Abraham Lincoln? He was a scumbag. Mother Teresa? She was a scumbag too."
"Well, Colin Palmer, thank you so much for talking with us today."
"Thank you for having me."
"Coming up after the break, we talk with Darlene May, an avowed atheist who has just been ordained by the U.S. Diocese of the Episcopal Church. Does a person have to believe in God in order to be an Episcopal priest? We'll talk with Darlene May, plus, classical music critic Lawrence Cooper reviews the new CD by hot Latvian violinist babe Baiba Skride. That's all coming up on New Breeze."
(cue the music)
-----------------------------------------------
And now this...
If there's one positive thing you can say about the seventies, it's that we knew how to rock and roll back then. If you're old to enough to know what I'm talking about, then you probably remember a time when rock and roll was upbeat and all about having fun.
Anyways, that's what came to my mind when I saw Peter Frampton on the TV the other night. He wasn't singing about guns and violence and sexin' up his bitch. He was just playing his guitar and turning the amp up to eleven and having a good time.
That's the seventies I remember - all that great guitar rock, and it was great seeing Peter Frampton get up there and do some old time, seventies style jamming. So today I just had to get out my old MP3 player and crank up some of those old tunes, and man, they sounded great. True, I'm not fifteen anymore. My tastes have changed and my musical horizons have definitely been expanded, but every now and then it's great to go back and be fifteen again, if only for a little while.
The only reason I'm mentioning this is because I put together a little mix for myself, and I thought maybe some other people might enjoy listening to it too. It's all old seventies guitar rock and it's not something I'm legally supposed to do, but what the heck. If you want to rock like it's 1975, then here's my 70's mix. It's about 35 minutes long and about a 33 meg download. It has Johnny Winter doing "Johnny B. Goode", Robin Trower's "Day of the Eagle", Montrose with "Space Station No. 5", Pat Travers' "Rock 'n Roll Susie", Lou Reed singing "Rock and Roll", Journey saying you can go home again and travelling to "Mystery Mountain", and ends with a nice mellow "Song of the Wind" by Carlos Santana. Enjoy.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Another Hat in the Ring
There has been much speculation in the press, so I want to take this opportunity right now to announce, right here on the internet, that I have formed an exploratory committee and will indeed be a serious canididate to be your next President of the United States of America. Although many have been urging me to take this step, I want to assure the American public that I do not make this decision lightly, and would not run if I did not feel I could make a difference and bring a new vision to the American people.
In fact, I draw my strength from the American people, and share their values. That's why I'm announcing that if elected, I promise that my administration will deliver to each American, as is their birthright, free vodka and porn. Some might call this policy a brazen attempt to bribe the electorate and buy the vote, but what could be more fundamental to the true American spirit than boozing it up and watching porno movies. I say this is the very fabric that has made America strong, and the reason we continue as the beacon of liberty and justice around the world.
What about America's enemies abroad, I hear you say. Will you keep America safe? Let me make this firm commitment to you, and let there be no doubt, that I will indeed keep America safe - at least I think so. Furthermore, let me say that I believe that we are threatened not only abroad but at home as well. Why just yesterday, my neighbor Madge found a terrorist building a nuclear weapon in her backyard. How do we counter such threats, you ask. Well, let me assure you, that if elected one of my first duties as President will be to sit down with Congress and decide, in a bipartisan fashion, how best to invade China.
After all, who is really the biggest threat to America today. China of course. They're selling us TV's and t-shirts and cellphones, and using those profits to buy our bonds, earning interest that we Americans pay to them to fund their increasingly powerful military machine, as was made alarmingly clear by their recent launch of an anti-satellite missile. They also continue to buy huge quantities of Iranian oil despite strong American objections ("C'mon guys, can't you just go along with us just this once?").
An invasion of China will not only deprive Iran of the cash it needs to fuel its nuclear ambitions, but also allow us to welch on those billions of dollars of American bonds they hold. Not only that, but once China is successfully occupied, then maybe we can finally get some of those cool cellphones they keeping holding back on us. And let me further assure you, that as your President I will make it my personal responsibilty to locate, pursue and capture Chinese actress Gong Li. You have my word on that.
So there you have it. Under my leadership, America will be strong again. Under my leadership, the government will serve the people and not the special interests. Under my leadership, every American will have a seat at the dinner table. Under my leadership, American will find a new direction. Under my leadership, every hardworking American will have his or her chance at the American dream. Under my leadership, every...well, you know the drill.
Meanwhile, the election's only two years away so please send me some money. Please?
While we're on the subject, I was up in Berkeley the other day, and I walked into this little cafe/luncheon place, and saw this lady sitting at one of the tables eating a tofu salad (this is Berkeley, remember). Now, I've got nothing against tofu. In fact, being the proud son of a Japanese mother I can honestly say that I've been eating the stuff all my life. I can even remember when you couldn't even buy tofu at the grocery store, but had to go to the special tofu shop downtown, where they'd cut if fresh from the vat and wrap it up in butcher paper. What I'm trying to say is I know tofu.
So that's why I'm also saying, and please don't take offense, that's why I'm also saying that white people don't know how to eat tofu. Here's the scoop. You can eat tofu plain, always cold, with fish flakes and a little soy sauce on top, or, better yet, in a soup or a sukiyaki or something like that, but you do not, under any circumstance, eat it with lettuce and raw kidney beans and some weird kind of balsamic vinagrette crap on the top. Eeewwww, that's disgusting. What are you people thinking?
And I told her that too. I said "Lady, what are you eating? Geez, that's disgusting. How can you ruin perfectly good tofu by eating it with lettuce and all that other junk on top?", to which she replied "No man has ever talked to me like that before. It makes me hot. Why don't you come back with me to my place. I live right around the corner.", to which I said "But I haven't ordered my food yet".
Yeah, you meet some interesting people in Berkeley.
In fact, I draw my strength from the American people, and share their values. That's why I'm announcing that if elected, I promise that my administration will deliver to each American, as is their birthright, free vodka and porn. Some might call this policy a brazen attempt to bribe the electorate and buy the vote, but what could be more fundamental to the true American spirit than boozing it up and watching porno movies. I say this is the very fabric that has made America strong, and the reason we continue as the beacon of liberty and justice around the world.
What about America's enemies abroad, I hear you say. Will you keep America safe? Let me make this firm commitment to you, and let there be no doubt, that I will indeed keep America safe - at least I think so. Furthermore, let me say that I believe that we are threatened not only abroad but at home as well. Why just yesterday, my neighbor Madge found a terrorist building a nuclear weapon in her backyard. How do we counter such threats, you ask. Well, let me assure you, that if elected one of my first duties as President will be to sit down with Congress and decide, in a bipartisan fashion, how best to invade China.
After all, who is really the biggest threat to America today. China of course. They're selling us TV's and t-shirts and cellphones, and using those profits to buy our bonds, earning interest that we Americans pay to them to fund their increasingly powerful military machine, as was made alarmingly clear by their recent launch of an anti-satellite missile. They also continue to buy huge quantities of Iranian oil despite strong American objections ("C'mon guys, can't you just go along with us just this once?").
An invasion of China will not only deprive Iran of the cash it needs to fuel its nuclear ambitions, but also allow us to welch on those billions of dollars of American bonds they hold. Not only that, but once China is successfully occupied, then maybe we can finally get some of those cool cellphones they keeping holding back on us. And let me further assure you, that as your President I will make it my personal responsibilty to locate, pursue and capture Chinese actress Gong Li. You have my word on that.
So there you have it. Under my leadership, America will be strong again. Under my leadership, the government will serve the people and not the special interests. Under my leadership, every American will have a seat at the dinner table. Under my leadership, American will find a new direction. Under my leadership, every hardworking American will have his or her chance at the American dream. Under my leadership, every...well, you know the drill.
Meanwhile, the election's only two years away so please send me some money. Please?
While we're on the subject, I was up in Berkeley the other day, and I walked into this little cafe/luncheon place, and saw this lady sitting at one of the tables eating a tofu salad (this is Berkeley, remember). Now, I've got nothing against tofu. In fact, being the proud son of a Japanese mother I can honestly say that I've been eating the stuff all my life. I can even remember when you couldn't even buy tofu at the grocery store, but had to go to the special tofu shop downtown, where they'd cut if fresh from the vat and wrap it up in butcher paper. What I'm trying to say is I know tofu.
So that's why I'm also saying, and please don't take offense, that's why I'm also saying that white people don't know how to eat tofu. Here's the scoop. You can eat tofu plain, always cold, with fish flakes and a little soy sauce on top, or, better yet, in a soup or a sukiyaki or something like that, but you do not, under any circumstance, eat it with lettuce and raw kidney beans and some weird kind of balsamic vinagrette crap on the top. Eeewwww, that's disgusting. What are you people thinking?
And I told her that too. I said "Lady, what are you eating? Geez, that's disgusting. How can you ruin perfectly good tofu by eating it with lettuce and all that other junk on top?", to which she replied "No man has ever talked to me like that before. It makes me hot. Why don't you come back with me to my place. I live right around the corner.", to which I said "But I haven't ordered my food yet".
Yeah, you meet some interesting people in Berkeley.
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