I Read The News Today, Oh Boy

As if people talking on their cellphones while driving wasn't bad enough, read this article from the Wall Street Journal (subscription required) that describes the new phenomena called DWT, or Driving While Texting. Yep, that's right. It seems that increasing numbers of drivers are either checking their email or SMS'ing or IM'ing while driving their vehicles. According to the article, 37% of drivers between the ages of 18 and 27 do it, and why not. What better thing to do while you're screaming down the highway at 70 mph than squinting down to look at a little 3 inch screen. I tell ya', with all the distracted drivers on the roads it's getting to the point where it's just not safe to leave your driveway anymore.

Of course nowadays your higher-end cars you have radar that can detect when you're getting to close to another vehicle, and I guess they should probably get those things installed on all new cars as soon as possible. That way you can be talking on the phone and checking your email and eating your lunch and watching TV and playing video games, all while reading the paper or putting on your makeup, and if you get too close to another vehicle the radar will kick in and perform some sort of evasive maneuver for you. That's what it's gonna come to, you know. Instead of attentively streaming through the capillaries and arteries of our roads and highway systems, we'll all be doing other things as our cars electronically bounce off each other like a bunch of ping pong balls. Probably take a half a day just to go 2 blocks, but hey, at least we'll be entertained.

Ooh boy, I wanna tell you...

(ding-dong)

What's that? Uh-oh, someone's at the door. Maybe if I'm real quiet they'll think nobody's home.

(ding-dong, ding-dong)

Crap. I wonder who it is? You know, maybe I told you this story, but one time around New Years the doorbell rang, and I went down to answer it, and when I opened the door there was one of the most beautiful Vietnamese women I ever saw in my life standing on my doorstep. Apparently she was looking for her friend's house and got the addresses mixed up, and it was like -

"Hello. Is this the Tran residence?"

"What."

"Does Linda Tran live here?"

(Now keep in mind this woman was incredibly fine. What us old timers would call a looker, with long, silky black hair, gorgeous eyes, a beautiful face and a sleek, slender body. Grrrrrrr......)

"The Tran residence?", I said, my eyes staring right at her and my pulse running about 300 beats per second. "Yeah, this is the Tran residence. Sure, why not. C'mon in."

"No, I'm looking for Linda. Is there a Linda here?"

"Oh, you're one of Linda's friends. She's my sister...my, uh, older sister. She just went down to the store but she should be right back. Why don't you come in and wait."

"No, I think I must have the wrong house."

"Oh, don't say that. It's the right house. Believe me, it's the right house. This house. This house is the right house."

"Is this ____________?"

"___________? Um, um...no, I'm sorry. _________ is the next street over."

"Oh, I thought this didn't seem right. I must have missed my turn. Well, thank you. You've been very helpful."

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to come in? (Please, please, come in. Don't make me beg.) You know, warm your bones a little. It's pretty cold out tonight."

"No, no thanks. Maybe some other time. Well, thanks for your help."

"Some other time? Did you say some other time? When? Tomorrow? Next week? How about later on tonight? I'll be here. I don't have anything to do except post to my stupid blog. Please come by again. Please. Do you need my number? Please come back. Please"

And she was gone.

(Unlike 90% of what I post that's a true story. Well, more or less.)

(ding-dong, ding-dong)

Alright already. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that's her. Maybe that's that Vietnames girl. Maybe she decided to come back after all. I better go answer the door.

"Hello, is this the Myers residence?"

"Yes."

"Mr. Myers my name is Bob and I'm doing a survey for BigMedia, Inc. I wonder if you'd have a couple of minutes to answer a few questions about public sentiment?"

"Public sentiment?"

"Yes, that's right. We're trying to get an overall picture of just how the public is feeling these days. It won't take more than a minute if you don't mind."

"I don't mind."

"Good. First, can I ask you how you are feeling about life in general?"

"Pretty good. It's a beautiful day, I got my health, and nothing to complain about."

"Well, as you know the stock market has been taking quite a tumble lately. How does that make you feel?"

"Yeah, well that's kind of a bummer. But hey, it'll come back, and besides, I still got the house."

"What about housing prices? As you know they've been falling and foreclosures are on the rise."

"Yeah, I guess that's kind of a bummer too. I am feeling a little poorer come to think of it."

"Has the rising price of gasoline affected you in any way?"

"It's getting pretty expensive. Forty bucks to fill my tank, and I drive a fuel efficient car. Man, stocks are down, house prices are down, gas is up, and..."

"How about the war in Iraq? Are you comfortable with what's being accomplished there and the mounting casualties?"

"Well, no, how could I be. Yeah, come to think of it we've got falling stocks, falling house prices, rising gasoline, a war in Iraq, and ..."

"Does the gridlock in Washington concern you?"

"You know maybe I'm not that happy after all."

"Crime, pollution, corruption?"

"I think I'm getting a headache."

"Terrorism?"

"I think I need to go lie down."

"Corporate greed, government incompetence?"

"Please, no more, no more."

"Declining standards, failing schools, global warm..."

"All right, all right. You win. I feel terrible, ok. I feel just awful."

"Then you'd say you're feeling pessimistic about the future?"

"Yes, yes. We're all doomed."

"Thank you, that's all we wanted to know. BigMedia would like to thank you for your cooperation. Have a pleasant evening."

"I think I'm gonna go down to the garage and shoot myself. Good night and thanks for stopping by."

Well, that was certainly interesting. Let me see, what was I talking about before I got interrupted. Oh yeah...ah, who cares. We're all doomed, and nothing can save us except...

I wonder if that Vietnamese girl meant it when she said "some other time"?