Another Hat in the Ring

There has been much speculation in the press, so I want to take this opportunity right now to announce, right here on the internet, that I have formed an exploratory committee and will indeed be a serious canididate to be your next President of the United States of America. Although many have been urging me to take this step, I want to assure the American public that I do not make this decision lightly, and would not run if I did not feel I could make a difference and bring a new vision to the American people.

In fact, I draw my strength from the American people, and share their values. That's why I'm announcing that if elected, I promise that my administration will deliver to each American, as is their birthright, free vodka and porn. Some might call this policy a brazen attempt to bribe the electorate and buy the vote, but what could be more fundamental to the true American spirit than boozing it up and watching porno movies. I say this is the very fabric that has made America strong, and the reason we continue as the beacon of liberty and justice around the world.

What about America's enemies abroad, I hear you say. Will you keep America safe? Let me make this firm commitment to you, and let there be no doubt, that I will indeed keep America safe - at least I think so. Furthermore, let me say that I believe that we are threatened not only abroad but at home as well. Why just yesterday, my neighbor Madge found a terrorist building a nuclear weapon in her backyard. How do we counter such threats, you ask. Well, let me assure you, that if elected one of my first duties as President will be to sit down with Congress and decide, in a bipartisan fashion, how best to invade China.

After all, who is really the biggest threat to America today. China of course. They're selling us TV's and t-shirts and cellphones, and using those profits to buy our bonds, earning interest that we Americans pay to them to fund their increasingly powerful military machine, as was made alarmingly clear by their recent launch of an anti-satellite missile. They also continue to buy huge quantities of Iranian oil despite strong American objections ("C'mon guys, can't you just go along with us just this once?").

An invasion of China will not only deprive Iran of the cash it needs to fuel its nuclear ambitions, but also allow us to welch on those billions of dollars of American bonds they hold. Not only that, but once China is successfully occupied, then maybe we can finally get some of those cool cellphones they keeping holding back on us. And let me further assure you, that as your President I will make it my personal responsibilty to locate, pursue and capture Chinese actress Gong Li. You have my word on that.

So there you have it. Under my leadership, America will be strong again. Under my leadership, the government will serve the people and not the special interests. Under my leadership, every American will have a seat at the dinner table. Under my leadership, American will find a new direction. Under my leadership, every hardworking American will have his or her chance at the American dream. Under my leadership, every...well, you know the drill.

Meanwhile, the election's only two years away so please send me some money. Please?

While we're on the subject, I was up in Berkeley the other day, and I walked into this little cafe/luncheon place, and saw this lady sitting at one of the tables eating a tofu salad (this is Berkeley, remember). Now, I've got nothing against tofu. In fact, being the proud son of a Japanese mother I can honestly say that I've been eating the stuff all my life. I can even remember when you couldn't even buy tofu at the grocery store, but had to go to the special tofu shop downtown, where they'd cut if fresh from the vat and wrap it up in butcher paper. What I'm trying to say is I know tofu.

So that's why I'm also saying, and please don't take offense, that's why I'm also saying that white people don't know how to eat tofu. Here's the scoop. You can eat tofu plain, always cold, with fish flakes and a little soy sauce on top, or, better yet, in a soup or a sukiyaki or something like that, but you do not, under any circumstance, eat it with lettuce and raw kidney beans and some weird kind of balsamic vinagrette crap on the top. Eeewwww, that's disgusting. What are you people thinking?

And I told her that too. I said "Lady, what are you eating? Geez, that's disgusting. How can you ruin perfectly good tofu by eating it with lettuce and all that other junk on top?", to which she replied "No man has ever talked to me like that before. It makes me hot. Why don't you come back with me to my place. I live right around the corner.", to which I said "But I haven't ordered my food yet".

Yeah, you meet some interesting people in Berkeley.