The Bad, The Good, And The Ugly

"Are you my...conscience?"

"Suprised?"

"Well, yes I am. Frankly I was expecting someone a little bit..."

"Older? A white-haired old man in flowing robes or something like that?"

"Yeah, something like that. But you're so young. I mean, you're just a child. How old are you anyways?"

"Old enough to know right from wrong. Don't feel bad - everyone expects their conscience to be old and wise, not some naive little kid just trying to fumble his way through."

"Yeah, it is quite a shock."

"What can I do for you? Is there something you wanted to ask me?"

"I don't know. I wasn't expecting to talk to a kid..."

"Oh, come, come - I know all y0ur secrets you know. Nothing you can say will suprise me."

"All my secrets?"

"All your secrets. All y0ur lies, all your forgetfulness', all your thoughtlessness', everything."

"Hey look - I think I've led a pretty decent life."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Give me one example of something I did that I should be ashamed of."

"Just ONE thing?"

"Yeah. Sure I might of told a white lie or two along the way, and maybe I forgot a birthday, but name me one thing that I should really be ashamed of."

"Ok, let's see...I know. How about back in the 6th grade. Remember Miss Z's class?"

"Sure I remember. I was a great student - model student really. A fine example for others to follow."

"Oh really. Do you think that's how Miss Z saw it? Is that why she had that talk with your father at the Parent-Teacher night? Remember what happened then?"

"You mean how my Dad grounded me for a month and made me read that 600 page astronomy book from cover to cover before he would allow me to watch TV again? You mean how he actually went through the book and tested me on it to make sure I read it? You mean how he came home from that meeting and sent me straight to my room and gave me that 'I've just had a talk with Miss Z and let me tell you there are going to be some changes around here' speech. Is that what you're talking about?"

"Doesn't sound like you were the model student to me."

"Well, ok, Maybe I was a little...you know...precocious."

"Do you remember why she had that talk with your Dad?"

"No, I never did find out what she told him. It was probably a big fuss over nothing. You know how Miss Z was. But I remember thinking at the time that it probably had something to with the flies in the overhead projector."

"The flies?"

"Yeah, a harmless prank. Don't you remember? Sheesh, some conscience you are. "

"Refresh my memory."

"Well, you see, the school I went to was a little overcrowded so the District brought in some portable classrooms. Miss Z's class was in one of the portables and I remember those things used to be ice cold in the mornings before class started. Anyways, the janitor would always let the kids in a little early so that he could go in and get the heater started before class began, and every morning when we walked in there would be hundreds and hundreds of these groggy little flies all stuck to the walls waiting for the heat to start so they could warm up their engines, so to speak, and get on with their little fly lives. So me and my friends would walk into the classroom and see these flies and we would start catching 'em - which was easy to do because they could barely even get their wings started when it was cold like that. I mean with one swipe of the hand you could catch like 10 or 15 flies at a time, easy. "

"And Miss Z didn't want you catching flies?"

"No, Miss Z didn't get in until the class was ready to start, which was about 10 minutes or so after the janitor used to let us in. No, what happened was one day I thought it would be really cool to catch a bunch of flies and throw them into the overhead projector."

"Why?"

"Well, you see, I thought it would be funny 'cause (I thought) when Miss Z turned on the overhead projector to show one of her little diagrams then the projector would light up and you would see all these flies crawling around the screen. At least that's what I thought would happen."

"And?"

"Well, I caught a bunch of flies - I don't know how many, a hundred, maybe more, and I put 'em into the overhead projector. You know it had this little panel that you would swing open so that you could change the light or whatever, and I caught all these flies and put them inside through the little panel."

"Yeah, I get you. Then what happened?"

"Well, the class got started and it was pretty boring as usual, and then around 2 hours into the class she wheeled up the overhead projector so that she could show these little charts she had drawn up. Miss Z was always one for showing little charts. Anyways, she plugged in the projector and I started laughing to myself because I knew that she was going to turn it on and everyone was going to see all these bugs crawling around on the screen and, I don't know, maybe Miss Z would let out a shriek or something. I didn't really know what was going to happen but I was sure it was going to be entertaining."

"I see."

"Look, I'll be the first to admit I was never the brightest kid in school. I mean I wasn't dumb but I certainly wasn't no scientist either, and I certainly didn't understand optics, or focal points or anything like that."

"So Miss Z turned on the overhead projector and..."

"Nothing happened. Nothing you could see anyways. I mean the flies were in there but they were so out of focus that you couldn't even see them. The prank was a total failure."

"So why did Miss Z talk to your father about it?"

"I don't know if she did or not, I just think she did. Anyways, you couldn't see the flies but they were in there and that overhead projector started getting really hot. And as it got hotter and hotter those flies started getting really agitated and flying around and bumping into things. And there was an exhaust fan on the projector, you see, and so there was this natural air current that ran through the little chamber where all the flies were. And the flies must of got wind of that current, so to speak, and all the while it was just getting hotter and hotter inside and so naturally the flies tried to follow that current out of there and flew straight into the fan. Like I said, I put a lot of flies in there and with all of them flying into the fan like that, well, pretty soon the fan started to get a little gummy with all the dead flies and fly pieces and such, and finally the fan got so gummy that it wouldn't turn anymore. So the fan got stuck and when that happened the light went out and the projector stopped working. It was some sort of safety feature I guess."

"And?"

"And, so Miss Z sees the projector stop and she figures that the light bulb must be burnt out or something. So she goes back to the projector and opens the little panel and..."

"Don't tell me."

"Yeah, it was a massacre in there. It looked the Little Big Horn of flies, corpses and little fly pieces lying everywhere, and only a handful of survivors buzzing around or dragging their crippled bodies across the bottom of the projector. It was a somber scene, man, and then Miss Z stands up and says 'What's going on around here?', so of course L.R., one of the other kids in the class, stands up says he saw me do it. Geez, what a little suck-up that kid was. Teacher's Pet, you know the type."

"And then what happened?"

"Nothing. I just told Miss Z I didn't do it and she couldn't prove I did, but I don't think she believed me."

"So let me get this straight. You tortured and maimed these poor little animals and then you lied to the teacher about it?"

"I didn't mean to torture and maim them. I didn't expect them to get all excited and start flying into the fan or anything like that. I'm not some kind of serial killer, for Christ's sake."

"But you did lie to the teacher?"

"Ah, leave me alone will ya."

"But I'm your conscience."

"That's right, I forgot. Yeah, I killed those flies and I lied to the teacher about it, and I'll probably burn in hell for it one day. Happy now?"

"Oh, give me a break. Let's not be overdramatic here, ok? I'm only your conscience, not your judge."

"Pffft, right!"

"No, I'm serious. Sure, I know all the bad things you've done, but remember I also know the good as well."

"Well thank you Mr Conscience, sir. At least I get credit for something around here."

"Of course you do. Remember your friend D back in the 4th grade?"

"Yeah, of course I remember D."

"Remember that day you rescued him from those kids at school."

"I didn't rescue nobody."

"Oh? That's not what I heard. Why don't you tell me about it."

"Nothing to tell. It was in the 4th grade and I was walking from tetherball courts over to the other side of the playground by the backstops when I look over behind one of the classrooms and see a bunch of kids standing around yelling at somebody."

"A bunch of kids? Who were they yelling at?"

"I'm getting to that part. So I walked over there and they're all standing around in a sort of semicircle and calling this kid some name I never heard before. So I walked up a little closer and I see my friend D standing in the middle of all these kids with his back up against the wall of the building and looking like he was gonna bust out crying or something."

"And?"

"And what?"

"And, what did you do?"

"Like I said I didn't do nothing. I just walked past the little semicircle and went up to D to ask him what was going on, only D was so upset that he didn't say anything. Anyways, after I went up to talk to him the crowd sort of broke up, I guess, and everyone just walked away."

"C'mon, there's more to the story than that."

"No, that's all that happened. I swear. Except for later that night when I was riding in the car with my Dad. I remember he had just bought some gas and we were leaving the gas station and I just kept wondering what it was that everyone was yelling at D that day. I mean it was a name I never heard before so I finally decided to ask my Dad what it meant."

"And what did he say?"

"Well, I asked him 'Dad, what's a Jew?', and he told me that it was some kind of religion, you know like some people are Catholics, and some people are Protestants, and some people are Jews.

"So what did you say?"

"I didn't say nothing. I mean, that didn't make any sense to me. At least I couldn't figure out why it would be a bad thing, or why anyone would call someone that. I knew there must be something more to it, something really awful, 'cause you know even the yard duties didn't try to break it up or anything. Usually if the yard duties see someone being harrassed like that they'll do something, but they didn't do anything. So I figured there must be something my Dad wasn't telling me, but I didn't press."

"Well if those kids had started beating him up the yard duties would have done something, wouldn't they?"

"I don't know. I've always wondered that. But as it turns out, they didn't have to do anything. No one got beat up."

"Because you broke it up."

"No, no, no. Look, I just went up to talk to my friend and that sort of broke the mood or something. I don't want to give the impression that I was trying to be some kind of hero or anything. It wasn't like some Hollywood Movie where the good guy gets up in front of the angry mob and stares 'em all down. It wasn't anything like that. It just happened, and then it was over."

"An unintentional good deed, perhaps."

"Yeah, purely unintentional. But I'll always remember that day. I mean, it will always stick in my conscience."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know, it's like people can be ok one-on-one because most times they want to make a good impression, but you get 'em in a crowd like that and it's like they lose all their inhibitions and show their true natures. You know what I mean? People in crowds are different than a person alone. You know, they're more themselves, and that's too bad."

"What do you mean. What's too bad?"

"I mean people are dirty bastards. They try to cover it up, but they're really just dirty bastards."

"Uh-huh, maybe some of 'em are. Anyways, what did you come here to talk to me about?"

"Ah, I don't know. Something's been buggin' me I guess."

"That's what I'm here for. What do you want to tell your conscience?"

"It's this whole war thing. Did you hear the news? 2,000 dead as of yesterday."

"So, what's that got to do with you?"

"You know what we've got? A war of attrition, that's what. It's true, even the generals and politicians say so."

"And what's your point?"

"You see a war of attrition is where you see which side runs out of live bodies first. They kill one of ours and we kill ten of theirs until finally one side or the other runs out of soldiers. It's like a giant spreadsheet where you just keep running the numbers and recalculating your odds and keep the score based on that day's tally of corpses. That's what a war of attrition is."

"I'm listening."

"So I'm asking myself why are we playing this game?"

"To spread democracy in Iraq."

"Oh yeah? Is that why we're doing it? You know I remember 9/11 and I don't remember any cries of "let's democratize Iraq" as the towers of the World Trade Center were coming down. As I remember it all people wanted to do back then was get an army together and go kick sombody's ass."

"So what are you saying? That we're in Iraq for revenge?"

"No, no...maybe...I don't know. I don't think so. You know what I think? I think we're in this war just so that we can feel good about ourselves again."

"Huh?"

"Sure. Nothing makes a person feel higher or mightier than to be engaged in some noble cause. Even if it's not us but someone else doing the sacrificing and dying, it's still ennobling when you can honor someone's who's laid down their life for you. It fills you with pride and purposefulness, you know what I mean. I don't suppose a person ever feels so righteous and moral as when he's honoring the dead."

"You know this isn't the kind of thing you should make light of."

"I'm not making light of it - it's the truth. Soldiers want to be heroes, and good citizens want to honor the dead. Why else would we be so eager to have them die in wars of attrition, if not to have the honor of being appreciative of their sacrifice. Politics aside, when you get down to it that's what most wars are about."

"You're crazy. Look, I may just be your conscience but even I know that without wars there would no means of ending tyranny or fighting injustice. Wars are horrible, but sometimes they're necessary."

"And sometimes wars are necessary because once started, they can't be finished. "

"Sooner or later, all wars come to an end. Anyways, I still don't see what any of this has to do with you."

"I realized when I heard the news about the 2000 deaths that I really don't pay that much attention to this war. I mean I catch it on the news every now and then, but it's not something I think about all that much. Like a lot of people I'm much more concerned about the price of gas or the latest natural disaster. The fact that 3 soldiers died, or 4 or 5 or whatever, doesn't even rate a mention on the front page anymore. It's just a little here, a little there, and slowly the numbers build and build. And yet when it comes time to honor the dead I'm the first to stand up and give out a hearty 'here, here'. What do you think about that? What do you make of a people that are so proud to have their soldiers die, just as long as they don't intrude on their lives or interrupt their primetime schedules?"

"I think it makes them good citizens who support their country."

"Or..."

"Yes?"

"A bunch of dirty bastards."

Just Notes To Myself On The End Of TV As We Know It

The one good thing about soaring energy prices is that it forces people to reexamine their budgets and trim a little of the fat that they've built up over the years. I know that's what I've been doing and it's been a little bit of a blessing in disguise discovering all the money I've been wasting on things that I hardly ever use.

Like Satellite TV.

I spend way too much money for Satellite TV and premium channels that I hardly ever watch, so it's nice to have an excuse to finally cut the cord and jettison all that excess baggage. Goodbye HBO, goodbye STARZ, goodbye Showtime...goodbye to the same ol' crap month after month. Which has got me to thinking about this "new media" thing again.

That's because ridding myself of all that "old media" content was, suprisingly, really pretty painless. To tell the truth, since cancelling I've been so busy listening to podcasts and reading ebooks and surfing the internet that I haven't hardly noticed that I don't have HBO or Showtime anymore. And now that Apple has announced that they're getting into the video content delivery business, I have to wonder if I really need TV at all. After all, if I can download the content I want off the internet and watch it on my schedule then why should I pay a satellite or cable company 'X' dollars a month to stream it to my home at a date and time that's convenient for them?

Hmmm....

Maybe we should backtrack a little. First of all, as any geek can tell you video content on the internet is nothing new, and the new IPod is hardly the first portable video device to come down the pike. Sheesh, we Pocket PC users have had portable video devices for years, and have been ripping and downloading and transcoding quite happily without any help from Apple, thank you very much. What we've always lacked, however, is an easy, one-stop source for video like the Itunes Music Store. Now Apple is going to change all that by making downloading and watching video pushbutton simple.

For a price, of course.

So what does it all mean? Am I going to pay $1.99 to download the latest episode of "Lost Housewives" (or whatever it's called)? Well, no, I'm not. First of all I'm not interested in watching "Lost Housewives" and second, even if I was interested, all I'd have to do is TIVO it. So why pay the 2 bucks? Now I admit I'm not the typical TV watcher and there are probably billions of people out there who would live idle, empty lives were it not for the "Lost Houswives" show, but are they going to pay 2 bucks a pop to download it or are they just going to watch it for free on TV? I don't have a clue, but my guess is that they'll go the cheaper route.

But there's another way of looking at this. What about video c0ntent that you can't get on TV? Would people be interested in original programming created only for the internet?

There's a show called "Digital Life TV" that I like and which is currently available only as an internet download. It's a pretty geeky show and probably not everyone's cup of tea - that is, unless they're fascinated by video card framerates and HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray debates (like I said, I'm not the typical TV viewer), and to get it you have to go to the Digital Life TV website and pick through a list of episodes and video formats and choose the one you're interested in and a format that's compatible with your system and then either stream it or download it to watch on your computer or transfer to some kind of portable device. It's not as complicated as it sounds but the producers do assume that the viewer is going to know the difference between Windows Media, Quicktime H.264, Mpeg 4 and Xvid, and truth be told anyone who doesn't know the difference probably isn't going to be very interested in the show in the first place.

Anyways, I like the show and I think a lot of other people would like it too if only they could find it and watch it. But in order for that to happen there needs to be a central location, a store perhaps, where lots of different shows would be offered for download and where they all would be in the same format and guaranteed to run on store-branded playback devices. A place like, oh, the Itunes Music Store, where all the viewer has to do is click on a button and the computer takes care of the rest. And more importantly (from my point of view at least), a place where Digital Life TV could gain access to a much larger pool of potential viewers while, in turn, viewers could gain access to programming that they couldn't get anywhere else. To me, that's what the video portion of the "new media" is really all about, not day-old reruns of network TV.

But would I pay 2 bucks a pop for Digital Life TV? Yeah, come to think of it I probably would, although I'd still like to be able to watch it on my Pocket PC. I don't know how they could make that happen, but you know this portable video thing has some potential. And the best part is that we're still so early in the process. I don't if this is the future of TV, but I tell ya', if I was in the TV business I wouldn't be feeling too smug and complacent right now. Not when there are so many smart people out there figuring this whole thing out.

They Grow Up So Fast

It's no secret that Barbie is in trouble. Sales are down and it seems like little girls just aren't as taken with the young Miss' as they used to be. I think maybe it's time to update the franchise and bring Barbie into the modern world, don't you? After all, what the young girls of today need is a plastic doll they can relate to, a doll more in tune with the 21st century. Here are a few of my suggestions to freshen up the franchise and make Barbie more compatible with today's young bobby-soxers.

1. The Barbie Tattoo Kit - Battery operated power supply and all the needles and inks your little 7 year old will need to adorn her Barbie with the latest tattoo styles. Also includes basic rose, skull, and barbwire templates that she'll need to get started, with an easy-to-follow booklet to illustrate more advanced designs she can make on her own. Imagine the fun you'll have as you help your daughter find just the right tattoo for her new Barbie, and then discuss the type of tattoo she might want to get when she gets when she becomes a teenager. Completely safe and non-toxic.

2. The Barbie Body Piercing Kit - Includes pliers, rings, piercing needles, antiseptic towelettes and special Barbie edition body jewlery. A perfect introduction to the ancient to the ancient art of body piercing. You'll be amazed as she pierces parts of Barbies body that you never imagined could be pierced. Nose, tongue, navel, kneecaps - the possiblities are endless. A special bargain when purchased with the Barbie Tattoo Kit.

3. The Barbie "Let's Hang Out at the Mall" Kit - Includes Barbie cellphone, Barbie credit card and Ammonia Inhalants. Hours and hours of endless fun as Barbie hangs out at the mall, flirts with the boys, SMS's her friends and shops for all the latest fashions. A perfect way to introduce young girls to the busy world of commerce, dating and multitasking. Ammonia Inhalants provided to revive the parents when they receive the end-of-the-month bills.

4. The Barbie Cosmetic Surgery Kit - Watch your daughter explore with this collection of syringes, scalpels, Botox, Collagen, Lyposuction machine and body enhancing implants. Thrill as she mixes and matches, adds and subtracts, and creates the perfect Barbie. (Note: This kit is automatically included with special "California" edition Barbies. Available separately on all other models).

Well, that's all I can think of right now, although I'm sure you can think of a few more. But hey, here's an idea. How about a replacement for that old G.I. Joe doll? You know the doll that's made for little boys. Personally, I never played with dolls when I was a kid, but I know that some boys do so why not an updated model for them too. We can call it the "Gameboy Jim" and it would be really simple. Just a male doll dressed in a dirty T-shirt and jeans, and the box would include a little toy TV, and a little toy game console and controller, and a little toy couch. Of course, the doll wouldn't do anything - it wouldn't even have to move. All it would have to do is sit there on the couch with it's hands wrapped around the controller while it stares at the TV. Yes, that's a great idea. I bet there isn't a young boy in the entire country who couldn't relate to that.

I really ought to be in marketing.

He Ain't Heavy, He's My (Big) Brother

I warned you about that Stagflation thing, didn't I? Yeah, well, you never listen to me anyways. So here we are a couple of hurricanes later and what do we have - rising prices and a slowing economy, that's what. But I didn't come here to say "I told you so", I came to ask "what can we do about it?"

So here's my solution.

See, I've been thinking on this and trying to figure out what we should do . I mean we've got this souring economy with soaring energy prices, rising credit card delinquency rates, slower than expected job growth (before the hurricanes), and all the rest of it. What should we do? Well, it's obvious isn't it?

We should sell the economy.

I mean let's dump this turkey on some unsuspecting rube and go out and buy ourselves a new one. I was thinking maybe we could put it up on EBay. You know...

For Sale - One National Economy. 229 years old. Mint condition with some minor blemishes (rising prices and shrinking manufacturing base) but otherwise excellent. Secure markets and sound infrastructure an added bonus. Must see!!!
Current Bid $1.00

Sure, that'd sell. I bet we could get 2, maybe 3 trillion dollars for it. Then, once we had the cash we could go out and buy Shanghai or something. Maybe even have a little left over for a nice downpayment on Singapore or Hong Kong. Geez, that'd be a perfect solution.

But then I thought about it some more and and even better idea came to me. Don't sell it on EBay, sell it to Google instead! Sheesh, they can afford it, and as far as I can tell they haven't bought a national economy yet. Yeah, what a great idea, and as luck would have it they just happen to be headquartered right here in Silicon Valley. It would be a breeze for me to just pop on over there and see what they have to say.

So that's what I did.

I got in my car and headed north. You know even though they're right up the road from me in Mt. View I'd never been to the actual Google HQ before, and boy what a treat that was. That beautiful glass building glimmering Ozlike in the California sun...well, words alone can't express the wonder and awe. I parked my car and entered the front lobby where I immediately spotted a sign posted at the front reception desk.

Ezevkedd Jgg, Ezed Google.

Puzzled, I asked the receptionist what the sign said.

"Oh, it is a little strange isn't it?" she said to me.

"Yes it is. I've never seen anything like it."

"Well", she explained, "at Google we discovered that if we're ever going to realize our goal of indexing the entirety of human thought and experience and hyperlink every idea and fact as it exists in the world today, then we would have to come up with some kind of common language to describe it all. You know, a truly international language that would unify all the nationalities and ethnic groups around the globe."

"You mean you invented your own language?"

"Yes...we had to."

"What is this language of yours called?" I asked.

"Why Google, of course. We call it Google, and the founders tell us that someday it will replace all other languages."

"Google? Are you serious? You really expect everyone to drop the language they're currently using and learn Google?"

"Why of course we're serious, and after all when Google becomes the architecture what other choice will they have? There will be only Google, the founders have decreed it. In fact the founders have seen it in a vision. The day will come when we will all be Google, when we will all think Google, when the first words out of a babies mouth won't be Mommy or Dada but..."

"Google?"

"(sigh)"

"Well I'm pretty old-fashioned I guess and I don't speak much Google so would you mind telling me what the sign says. In English, that is."

"Sure. It says 'There are no secrets, there is only Google'."

"No secrets, only Google huh. Sounds a little sinister if you ask me."

"I knew you were going to say that."

"You did?"

"Yes, Mr. Myers, you have no secrets from us."

"Right... No secrets."

"Now I believe you're here to see Mr. Brin, is that right? Something about the national economy?"

"Yes, but how did you..."

"What did I just say. No secrets, Mr. Myers. No secrets."

"Oh yeah, only Google. You know you're starting to scare me."

"Mr. Brin asked me to tell you that he can't see you right now, however he knew you'd be up here to make the offer and he wants you to know that Google is already in prelimary talks with the government about issues which may or may not be related to those which you wish to speak to him about."

"You mean they're really going to do it? Google's going to buy the entire U.S. national economy?"

"..."

"Oh c'mon. You can tell me. Are they really going to buy the whole economy?"

"I'd love to discuss this with you but I'm afraid I can't unless you sign a Non-disclosure Agreement. Of course we knew you were on your way here so we've already got one prepared and ready to go."

"You people are unbelievable. You knew I was coming so you..."

"There are no secrets, only..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let me see that Agreement."

"Oh that won't be necessary. We already know that you'll sign the Agreement, so if you'll just take this pen and sign here."

"You already know I'll sign the Agreement? Well, of all the nerve. You know maybe I don't feel like signing the Agreement. Maybe you people aren't as all-knowing as you think you are. Maybe you can take this Agreement and shove it right up that all-seeing Oracle of yours. Yeah, what do you think about that?"

"You'll sign it."

"Oh yeah, why's that?"

"Because if you don't then this entire post will have been a waste of time."

"How do you work this pen."

"Just twist the end there. That's it. Good. All signed. Now what is it that you want to know?"

"I want to know if Google is really going to buy the United States of America?"

"Actually, it's just the data we want. You know, there is a lot of top secret data that we haven't been able to access yet. The founders feel that by purchasing this country, among others, we'll be able to index that information and add it to our databases and thus extend our reach ever deeper into the lives of every man, woman and child alive in the world today."

"Wait a second. I thought your motto was 'No secrets, only Google'. You mean to tell me that there are databases that you don't have access to?"

"Give us time, Mr. Myers. It's only a matter of time."

"I don't know what to say. Words escape me. I'm...I'm...I'm... so humbled."

"Be at peace, Mr. Myers. Let Google be your light in the darkness."

"I feel so small, so frail somehow. Yes, it's true. You have shown me the way. There is only Google. The one, the only. No secrets, only Google."

"Rest now, my son. Lay down your burden and embrace the kingdom which is Google. Be Google, Live Google, Know Google."

"I feel so safe."

"Google will protect you."

"I feel so strong."

"Let Google be your sword."

"I feel so loved."

Amen

Amen

I Love You California – This Is Only A Test

Well, this is pretty cool. Blogger now lets you use Microsoft Word instead of their own online editor to compose your posts. So, let’s give it a test.

This is only a test.

Here is your top story for Tuesday, September 20, 2005.

A rare September storm swept into Northern California today dropping rain and triggering lightning strikes and thunder throughout the Bay Area. Responding quickly to the crises, the California Teachers Association immediately released a series of Television ads blaming the storm on Governor Schwarzenegger.

“The Governor continues to attack the children and hardworking people of California” the CTA proclaimed. “He’s trying to use lightning and thunder to frighten the people of this great state, but the people, the police and firefighters, the nurses, and above all the children will show the Governor that we will not be frightened.”

Asked if the CTA believed that the Governor was really behind the freakish weather the CTA responded “Where’s our money!”

In related news, last week in San Diego the Governor announced his reelection bid to an invited crowd of Republican supporters. When told of his announcement the state’s leading democrats burst out in fits of uncontrollable laughter. However, when it was pointed out that the likely Democratic contender would be Phil “dull as dirt” Angelides the mood grew decidedly somber.

“Bill will make a great governor” said State Assembly leader Fabian Nunez. “In his role as State Treasurer he has already shown the kind of leadership that Grey Davis brought to his role as State Controller.” When reminded that the name is “Phil” Angelides, not “Bill” Angelides, Assemblyman Nunez remarked “This is not a time for divisiveness. We must show the people of California that we can put politics aside and deliver on our promise to give the unions of California the kind of government they deserve.”

Asked for their reaction, the CTA responded “Does this mean we get our money?”

Old Man Radio - So Far

So, where was I?

Oh yeah, when last I left you I was posting more useless junk about one thing or another. Let's see, that would have been...

Last month!?

Man, has it been that long? Oh well, truth is I've been busy with my Oldmanradio podcast. I'm up to episode 7 now and things are going a lot better than I could have ever imagined.

Which is a problem.

Regular readers of this blog (alright, alright, don't laugh) may remember that I started this whole podcast thing as sort of a lark. I've always wanted to be a media mogul, you see, and this seemed like an easy way to sort of test the waters and see what kind of a radio show I could come up with. I thought I'd do an episode or two, maybe, and then be done with the whole thing. But then something funny happened...

Two things actually.

1. I found out that podcasting is a lot more fun than I thought it would be. Not that I'm any good at it, mind you. I mean I'm getting better but I don't think that Howard Stern is looking over his shoulder and worrying if that middle-aged japanese guy is gaining on him.

2. I've managed to attract an audience. Not a big audience, not thousands or millions, but an audience just the same. In fact my latest stats show that I've got 162 subscribers to my podcast, and if you've ever heard Old Man Radio then you've got to be asking yourself "162 people are subscribed to THAT!?" Well, what can I say. I certainly didn't expect it either, but now that they're out there I kinda feel this responsibility toward them.

(sigh) My subscribers.

To make matters worse, if you count the people who don't subscribe but rather download the show directly from my website then the number gets up around 200 or so, depending on the episode. Lately the trend has been up and to the right according to the little graph my web host gives me which seems to indicate that either the shows are getting better or there are people out there that have got nothing better to do than click the links on my website.

But wait, wait...I won't denigrate my audience. They are obviously a cultured and sophisticated lot who appreciate what I'm trying to do, i.e. bring them the very best podsafe music from the queit side of the net. Actually, I'm suprised at the quality of the music being offered out there nowdays and it's really lots of fun just going out there and finding it and putting it into playlists. The great thing about doing a music podcast is that no matter how lame or inept the presentation, the music still speaks for itself.

And like I said, I'm getting better. Or at least I think I'm getting better, and I love the music.

So, anyways, this is the process. First you do the podcast, and then you get a little bit of an audience, and then the real weight and responsibility of the enterprise starts hitting you, and by responsibility I mean bands start looking to you as a means of promoting them and getting their music out there. I've got to be honest, being a total novice at the music business that whole side of the equation never entered my thinking, but there it is.

And I'm not talking about the blog spam that all podcasters get. I mean if a band doesn't have any more consideration for me than to just send me a form email plugging their song or CD or whatever, then the odds are pretty slim that I'll ever play them on the podcast. I mean, at least let me know that you've listened to the podcast or something like that. Even if you don't like it you could still personalize the email a little so I don't feel like some promotional tool that you can just feed a PR release to and get your damn song played. That's the way I look at it at least, and if a band is going to just go around spamming podcasters like that then the least they could do is offer them a little payola, you know what I mean?

Hey, I'm not above taking a bribe.

But that's just a small part of the promotional side of things. Mostly, the musicians you hear from are sincere and hungry and some of their stuff is really good. When it is I play it, but always with the caveat that I'm small potatoes in the podcasting world and though I'll do what I can, what they really need to do is get some of the big boys to play their stuff. If Old Man Radio plays it I guarantee that 162 people will hear it, but if they can get the Daily Source Code or Catholic Insider or someone like that to play it, then thousands and thousands of people will hear it. Which is the honest truth, and I do tell them that, but it always makes me feel a little rude in saying it. Or at least a little too honest.

Which brings me to the next step in the whole podcasting process - promotion. That's something I've stayed away from so far because, like I said, I never really took my podcast that seriously or thought that I would keep doing it as long as I have. But I find that I really want to help these people out. That's a big part of why I'm doing what I'm doing, and so I may find myself having to promote the damn thing so that I can deliver an audience to these musicians and get their music heard. It's a responsibility that comes with the territory.

Problem is, I don't know a thing about promotion. So that's why I haven't been blogging too much lately. Instead, I've been listening to music and podcasts and trying to learn how to do promotion in a way that actually attracts an audience. And believe me, there are plenty of weird and cutesy promo's out there that I'm sure were a lot of fun to put together but don't necessarily make me or anyone I can think of want to subscribe. On the other hand there are really good promo's out there that do make you want to subscribe, but you can't just imitate what's already been done either. The promo has to be unique and snappy and entertaining, but also a good sample of what the podcast has to offer. It would be stupid of me to do a promo with a bunch of fart jokes and then have people tune in only to find that I'm basically just playing really good music.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm a micro cap podcast trying to graduate into the small cap world and not really sure what the next step is. But then again, I've got an audience of around 200 and that's a lot more than I ever imagined I'd get, so I'm making progress. Sheesh, this media business is harder than it looks.

Sunrise, Sunset

You know, newspaper reporters have it easy. I mean there's always something going on, always something to write about. Sports writers always have a game to talk about, movie critics always have a batch of new movies to write about, and even the lowliest beat reporter can always find some kind of dirt that needs digging. But us bloggers...what is there for us? To what great crisis do we turn our gaze?

The economy? Pffft, the markets up and then it's down. Politics? Pshaw, it's all just money and lies. Culture? Are you kidding? In America? Social history, the great struggle against the injustices of our time. Bah, they ought to just nuke this place and put us all out of our misery.

Nope, it's time to face the ugly truth that after a year and a half this blog simply has nothing left to say. No insights, no perespectives, just a lot of blah, blah, blah. It's pretty pathetic really, and I could just sit around and feel sorry for myself but I won't. I'll climb out of this rut. I'll find some way out of this feckless, pointless, maze of lethargy and alienation. I'll....I know...I know what I'll do...

I'll go talk to Bill.

Bill Gates, that is. The Chairman of Microsoft and the world's richest man. Yeah, Bill Gates. He'll know what I should do. In fact, that's his house over there. Maybe I'll just ring the doorbell and see if he's in.

(Ding-dong)

Hmmm, no answer. Maybe I should try knocking.

(Knock, knock, knock)

Hmmm, still no answer. Maybe nobody's home.

"Hello"

(Where did that come from)

"Hello", (there it is again) "can I help you?"

"Uh, yes, I'm looking for Mr. Bill Gates. I was hoping that...say, where are you?"

"I'm up here, on the balcony."

"Oh, up there. Now I see you. Hello, My name is Tony Myers and I'd like to speak with Mr. Bill Gates please. Is he home?"

"Of course he is -who do you think you're talking to?"

"Oh, sorry. Of course, you're...Heh, I guess I didn't recognize you in your bathrobe."

"What do you want?"

"Gee, you're really Bill Gates huh? I've never talked to a multibillionare before."

"What do you want?"

"Oh yeah. Well you see Mr. Gates, sir, that's sort of the problem. I mean, that is to say, um... well, I guess I'm not really sure what I want. That is...look, I know how strange it must seem to you to drop by unannounced like this, and... I guess I just want to talk that's all. That is, if you don't mind. You see, Mr. Gates, the truth is that I've been feeling a little detached lately, and, I don't know, sort of indifferent and uninspired, and I was hoping that..."

"Are you drunk or something?"

"No, no...nothing like that. You see I was just hoping that..."

"Well, I don't know what I can do for you."

"Please Mr. Gates, if you'll just give me a minute of your time."

"What for?"

"Please Mr. Gates. Just 5 minutes. That's all I'm asking. I promise. If you can just give me five minutes to explain..."

"Can't you see I'm busy."

"Five minutes, Mr. Gates. Please. What's five minutes to you if it can help a lost and wandering soul find new meaning and a reason to go on..."

"You sure you're not on drugs or anything?"

"No, honest. It'll just be five minutes, I promise. If you just give me five minutes I..."

"Alright, alright. C'mon up. But you've got five minutes and that's it. Understand?"

"Yes, Thank you sir. Thank you. I'll be right up."

(I try turning the door knob but it won't budge)

"Excuse me, Mr. Gates sir, I think the door's locked."

"Just use the key."

"But I don't have a key. You see..."

"It's under the doormat."

"What?"

"Under the doormat. The key is under the doormat."

"Oh, ok...thanks. I'll be right up."

(And so I enter the house, and climb the stairs to the office, and there I see Bill sitting at his desk)

"Mr Gates...thank you for seeing me. I'm really sorry to bother you like this but..."

"Yes, yes, what can I do for you?"

"Well...you see..."

"Yes"

"Um, well...the thing is...uh, do you want your front door key back? I mean I have it here in my pocket if you want it. I didn't want to leave it laying under the doormat like that, you know. It seems so insecure."

"Insecure?"

"Yeah, you know, leaving your key laying around like that isn't really safe. I mean a stranger could just come along and find it and then break into your house and start messing around with everything and taking stuff. You know."

"No, I'm afraid I don't know. What are you talking about?"

"Well, I mean leaving your house wide open like that is kind of dangerous, isn't it?"

"Dangerous? Why?"

"Well, because...oh never mind. It's not important."

"If I didn't leave the key under the mat then how would our partners come in and do all those awesome things?"

"Right. Well there you are. See, I didn't think of that. I guess that's why you've got 40 billion dollars and I'm still living on food stamps and credit cards."

"Yes, I do have this vision, it's true. But this security thing is interesting... I hadn't thought of that. Yes, I think I'll bring it up the next board of directors meeting and see what they think . Perhaps we can patent it."

"That would be awesome Mr. Gates."

"Yes it would, wouldn't it. Yep, I'll definitely need to bring it up. Let me just make a note of it...there. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"Blogger's block."

"Blogger's block?"

"Yes, I've got this blog, you see."

"What kind of blog?"

"A clever, cogent, insightful one, sir, full of weight and importance. The kind that millions of hungry readers depend on for perspective and analysis on the breaking issues of the day."

"I see."

"No, I'm afraid you don't see. That is, I mean, well, it's like I've hit a wall. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I just don't have anything left to say."

"Well, I'm flattered that you've come to me but honestly I don't what it is that I can do for you. Isn't there someone else you can talk to about this?"

"No one sir. No one with your vision that is."

"Please, call me Bill."

"Bill?"

"Yes, that's what my friends call me."

"Ok, uh Bill. I really need your help with this."

"Are you sure you don't have a priest or a rabbi that you can go? They may be able to help you find your way."

"No, I'm not particulary religious that way, uh, Bill."

"Oh, well, since there's nobody else let's see what I can do. Hmmm, I know. Couldn't you do a blog about technology? People like technology and I might even be able to help you out a little."

"What should I say?"

"Well, you could talk about all ways that Microsoft is working with it's partners to bring cool and awesome solutions to the billions of people, using it's vision and leadership to take computing and the Windows platform into the 21st century."

"Yeah, I could talk about that."

"Well?"

"To tell you the truth, Bill, Windows has gotten kind of boring. OS X is where it's at these days."

"OS X? That's not a serious business OS. You don't see Fortune 500 companies running OS X do you? When sleazeballs and script kiddies want to bring down a a major corporation they don't write worms and trojans to attack OS X, do they? Hell no, turn to Windows. That's where the vulnerabilities are. That's where they can do the most damage. They don't want to waste their time on some puny little operating system like OS X."

"Well you see Bill, maybe that's the point..."

"And what about Vista? Haven't you heard about Vista? This is cool stuff. Our partners think it's awesome. Software companies, IT Departments, virus authors, spyware scammers...they've all told us how eager they are to take this next leap forward."

"Ok, maybe when it's released a year or two from now I can blog about Vista. But I need something to blog about now. Have you got anything else?"

"Yeah, we've got XBox 360 - you could blog about that."

"I'm not into games."

"It's not a game machine. It's a powerful home multimedia center that just happens to play games."

"Really? What can it do?"

"It can play DVD's."

"But I've already got a DVD player."

"It can connect to the internet."

"But I'm already connected to the internet. How do you think I post my blog?"

"If you want you can even add a hard drive."

"But...so, in other words, it's going to do all the things my computer already does."

"Yes, but your computer isn't connected to your TV."

"How much do you want for this thing?"

"300 bucks for the basic unit, 400 bucks if you want to add a hard drive."

"I'll pass."

"But you haven't even seen all the awesome products that..."

"Our partners are working on. Yeah, I know. Thanks, but I think I'll pass. Got anything else?"

"Windows Mobile 5?"

"Yeah, ok, there you go. I like my smartphone. Needs 3G though. And the screen gets all greasy whenever I put it up to my ear to talk. Any awesome solutions coming from your partners on that?"

"Windows Mobile 5 will deliver to the consumer the kind of awesome experience that..."

"Yeah, ok, ok. Windows Mobile 5 sounds cool but I've already blogged on smartphones."

"You have?"

"Yeah. You see the problem, don't you? I've got this blog but there's just nothing new to say."

"I see what you mean. That IS the problem isn't it. It's like how we used to be cool but now all people want to do is complain about us or sue us or blame us for every little thing. Have you seen our stock price lately? Nothing. Up a little, down a little, up a little, down a little...geez, I've seen bingo nights at the local retirement home that were more exciting than our stock price. How did everything go so stale all of a sudden?"

"Maybe the ideas just stop coming."

"But our partners, our awesome solutions....it happened so fast."

"That's the way life is, Bill. One day you're a fresh young flower just waiting to be plucked, and the next you're just a wilted, empty stem, your youthful glamour spent as you sit there barren and useless and unwanted. Yes, nature is a cruel mistress, Bill, and the days pass, and the sun sits low in the sky, and the light thins and pales, and then what? What do you do then, Bill? Do you just wither and sag and eat your suppers alone as you watch the young bucks chase after fresher game? Or do you refuse to succumb to the ravages of time and vainly try recapture some of your lost youth? Do you seek out some specialist who can smooth the wrinkles and hide the blemishes and tighten up the loose spots? And then what happens , Bill? How long do you deny the relentless march of time? Week after week, month after month, year after year, and all the while your youth escaping as you go from one operation to the next, desperately trying to hold on even as you become cadaverous and hideous and grotesque, not knowing anymore where the plastic ends and the flesh begins, denying your true self to pursue some fleeting vision of youth and beauty and happiness and all the time knowing that true happiness can only come from within, that true love starts when you accept yourself and love yourself for who you truly are. Is that the answer, Bill? Is that what life is all about? To go on pretending, to go on living a lie, to go on acting out this macabre comedy of deception and deceipt only to..."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"My next blog, Bill. That's it. I've got it now. Thank you, you've been a tremendous help."

"I have? Geez, but I feel terrible. I mean everything was going great until you showed up. I was even planning on going over to Steve's house later to squash a few bugs but now, I don't know, I just don't feel up to it somehow. You know, I guess this has just been one of the worst conversations I've ever had in my life."

"That's funny, it's been one of the best conversations I've ever had. You've given me new inspiration. The greed, the ambition, the whole dirty, sordid truth. It's all there."

"Sordid Truth? That's going to be your blog?"

"Yep, as soon as I get back to my computer and write it all down. See ya' Bill."

"Yeah, see ya'. Say, you're not coming back are you? 'Cause if you do I want you to be sure to ring the doorbell so I can pretend I'm not home."

"Ok, but aren't you forgetting about that key under the doormat?"

"Damn!"

Sind Wir Dort Noch


Not that the issue was ever in doubt, but just to prove I'm no Ansel Adams I thought I'd post a Half-Dome picture from my recent trip up to the mountains. As you can see, my shot isn't quite as dramatic as others you've seen, but after all it's only a picture of a rock. What did you expect?

Anyways, nice to be back here in the valley. Back from the quiet of trees and wind and clear mountain streams, back to the belching and screaming and shoving of the wretched masses, back to the crime and the grime and the traffic, back to the...

Oh, fuggedaboutit!

Yosemite was nice, though. Yeah, you got your wretched masses up there too, but there are still a few places you can go to get away from it all, relatively speaking that is. If you decide to go anywhere where there's food or bathrooms or just a nearby roadside attraction then don't expect to find any peace and solitude.

And they're all Germans too. Everywhere I went it was "dis" this and "der" that. Guess they don't have enough moutains in Germany so they gotta come over here and gawk at ours. It was kinda funny though because it seemed like German families on vacation are just the same as American families on vacation. I mean first you got Dad walking up the trail with 500 pounds of photographic equipment strapped around his neck and over his shoulders, then you've got Mom walking behind with this "my isn't this wonderful - let's buy something at the gift shop" look on her face, and then of course you've got the kids running around and poking their noses into everything and stopping every 15 seconds to pose for another one of Dad's pictures. If they never talked to one another then you'd never know they were German, but they were speaking lots of German.

Anyways, even with all the crowds and commotions Yosemite is still one of the wonders of the natural world. I guess that's why people get on jets and fly halfway around the world just to see it. I only live a couple hundred miles away and have seen it dozens of times and it still amazes me sometimes. What's funny is for someone local to the area to go back and read John Muir's book on Yosemite and just think about how much California has changed in the past 100 years or so. Muir talked about leaving the lush Santa Clara Valley and standing atop the Pacheco Pass to behold the marvelous spectacle of the Sierra Nevada Mountains towering up in the distance, and nowdays the Santa Clara Valley is just a sprawling suburb and the interior of California is so choked with smog that you'd be lucky to even make out the Central Valley from Pacheco Pass, let alone the Sierras in the distance.

Oh, to have lived a hundred years ago.

Of course, back in John Muir's day if you wanted to see Yosemite Falls you couldn't just pull up in your SUV and find a parking spot out front either. Back then you had to walk, and it was a hell of a long walk too. And you couldn't just get a burger and fries at the snack bar, or a T-Shirt with with a picture on the front or batteries for your camera. None of the necessities that today's intrepid wilderness traveller would dream of being without were available back then. So I guess you have your tradeoffs, don't you.

I decided to go the John Muir route and rough it on this vacation, which for me meant unplugging myself and actually leaving my computer at home for a change. I've always thought about doing it on past vacations but somehow the thought of being without the internet for a week or even a couple of days always gave me the shakes. But this time I finally did it - I cut the cord, so to speak, and went out into the wilderness totally unarmed. Well, almost. I still brought my PDA, of course, and my MP3 player, and my digital camera, and my cellphone. But other than that I was totally unwired!

I also picked up this little FM Transmitter thingy for my MP3 player that let's you listen over your car radio. They're pretty useless in the city where the airwaves are thick with traffic, but out in the mountains they're pretty handy things to take along. I just loaded up with Podcasts and audiobooks before I left, and as soon as I started to lose the normal radio signals I just fired up the transmitter and got crystal clear reception from my MP3 player. I was really suprised how well it worked, and after a spending hours and hours crawling behind lines of motorhomes climbing their way up twisty mountain roads I was glad I brought it along. And it sure beats spending hundreds of dollars and $13.o0/mo for satellite radio.

But now my vacation is over and here I am back in front of the old computer again. Geez, it was nice while it lasted but unfortunately it's time to move on. I've got blogs to write, podcasts to record, and miles to go before I sleep.

Miles to go before I sleep.

However I can't leave yet without one last little commercial. I found a great podcast while I was away and I want to plug it (because I know just how influential this blog can be). It's called Podopera and it's and a podcast about (duh) the Opera. Actually, it's done by a outfit called HatstandOpera out of the UK and it features interviews, and arias, and commentary and all kinds of good stuff courtesy of a very enthusiastic lady named Kirsty Young. I was listening to it while I was making my way through the High Sierra and I just loved it. In fact listening to it made me uncomfortably aware of just how badly my own podcast sucks. Oh well, that's my problem I guess. Anyways, if you're a music lover then check out Podopera. I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it.

Think I'll Just Sit Here On This Bank Of Sand And Watch The River Flow

And now for the Financial News:

Diamond Foods (DMND) made headlines this week when their IPO opened at $17.00 a share and quickly rose almost 25% to $21.05. Diamond Foods is engaged in the processing, marketing and distribution of nuts both here in the U.S. and internationally. I was going to buy some shares on margin myself, but was afraid of the phone call I might get if stocks should suddenly hit a wall and turn south. I mean I can just hear my broker calling me now -

"Tony, the bottom's dropped out of the market. You better cover your nuts."

(Ok, ha, ha, ha, just a little stock market humor there).

Don't know if you caught it on NBR but Susie Gharib had the CEO of Diamond Foods on the show tonight. It was a pretty good interview until they got to the part -

"Mr. Mendes, your stock has had a pretty good rise today. Is it time for investors to consider selling some of their shares and taking some profits?"

"No Susie, we think the stock still has a lot of upside. This is a growing market and even with the tremendous rise we've seen so far in the stock, I wouldn't be selling right now. I think I'd be holding my nuts."

(Hee, hee, hee...Yeah folks, I got a million of 'em)

Alright, alright, alright...enough of the Diamond Foods jokes. So what else is new? As you can probably tell this is one of those blogs where nothing is happening and I've got nothing to talk about.

Well let's see, I bought a new car. Yeah, whoopee!!! It's a nice car, got it a good price, and the first 200 miles or so have been trouble-free. So far, so good, and I can't complain I guess. (Yawn)

Gee, that was exciting. Let me think what else is happening.

Oh yeah, I was thinking about the last housing slump we had here in the Bay Area back in the 1980's. I know most people out surfing the net weren't even born back then, but if you remember at the time we had out-of-control spending in Washington, a ballooning deficit, and a lot of fast, easy money flowing into the real estate market. Of course we also had a lot of foreign investors bidding up real estate prices to unsustainable heights back in those days, but just bear with me on this, will 'ya.

Oh, and while we're at it there's something else I want to get off my chest. Why is it that whenever Asian investors start buying up American assets it's percieved as a grave threat to national security, and yet whenever Europeans start buying up assets no one even seem to notice. If you remember that's the way it was back in the 80's when Japanese investors started buying up office building and golf courses and everyone started saying what a crisis it was for the U.S., and that's the way it still is today when a Chinese company tries to buy a U.S. oil company and sets alarms ringing all the way from Capitol Hill down to the White House. Geez, if a English company had tried to buy Unocal do you think it would have created a national scandal?

Or do you think there might just be a little racism going on here? Beware the yellow peril?

Anyways, where was I. Oh yeah, I remember back in the 80's the first sign of trouble I saw in the real estate market was the rising number of homeowners that seemed to be delinquent on their property taxes. Everyone always focuses on mortgage delinquencies when looking for signs of trouble in the real estate market, but I noticed back then that it seemed like people get behind on their property taxes first, and then later on they start falling behind on their mortgages.

Another thing that happened back in the 80's was this whole business of appraisers overvaluing properties and defrauding lenders into making loans that were wildly over the true market value. I can't say I noticed that at the time, but of course we all found out what was going on when all the Savings and Loans started failing because of the billions and billions of dollars of bad loans they were holding in their portfolios.

So now let's fast forward to the present and what do I see? Well obviously I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't see the same thing starting to happen all over again. It just so happens that my job gives me a good overview of what is really happening in the local real estate market and let me tell you - I bet a good 7 out of 10 sales I see all have owners who are delinquent on their property taxes. Now to be fair it's also true that I usually see a lot of delinquent property taxes on sales because, well, what happens when people start getting behind on their taxes? Right, they sell the house. But the point is that I am seeing a LOT of people delinquent on their taxes, and it seems to me that we are starting to get into some dangerous waters here.

And then you add to that the fact that I'm also seeing more and more lenders getting questionable appraisals, and by that I mean appraisals that are just plain wrong (deliberately wrong?) as to some of the facts, and it seems to me that we may be headed for another shakeout. Not that I'm trying to predict the future or anything like that, but the warning signs are there. I think if I had some money invested in any of the big mortgage lenders out there I'd be scrutinizing things very closely and getting ready to bail at the first sign of trouble.

But like I said, I don't have a crystal ball and only a fool would take investment advice from a blog.

Well, so much for that.

Let's see, anything else happening. Oh yeah, my favorite musical superstar is coming out with a new Mozart CD next month. If you go to the Deutshe Gramophone site and look up Hilary Hahn you'll see they've got a few excerpts there you can stream. You can't tell much from a 60 second sound clip, of course, but it seems to me that we are going to get a different Hilary on this CD than we have in the past. I dont' know, there's just something in her sound that's not the same, like the child prodigy days are gone and now the mature artist phase of her career is setting in. But, like I said, how much can you really tell from a 60 second sound clip.

Sheesh, some blog huh? Probably shouldn't even have bothered. Oh well, I'm just so burned out from all the car shopping I've been doing over the past couple of weeks...Hopefully I'll have something stimulating and provacative to add to the 'ol blogosphere next time.

Hopefully...

This Whole New Media Thing Explained

It was hot, I was tired, so I decided to head over to the Big Media Deli to get a bite to eat.

"Hiya Joe, give me a Reuben will ya."

"No can do, man. If you want a Reuben you'll have to wait until 7:30."

"But Joe, that's an hour and half from now," I says. "Can't you just make me up a sandwich now?"

"Like I said, you want a Reuben then you'll have to wait."

"Don't you got any Pastrami?"

"Yeah, I got Pastrami."

"Don't you got any Rye?"

"Yeah, I got the Rye."

"Then why do I got to wait around till 7:30?"

"Cause that's the way we do things around here. Look, you want a Reuben then come back at 7:30. You want to eat now then we're serving Tuna Salad."

"But that don't make no sense, Joe. If you got the Pastrami and you got the Rye then why can't I..."

"Look Buddy," Joe says to me as he reaches his hand under the counter, "We gonna have trouble here?"

"No, no trouble. Hell of a way to treat your customers, though."

"Treat the customers? Look, you see that Ferrari parked over there in the parking lot?"

"Yeah I see it."

"You know who owns that Ferrari?"

"You?"

"Yeah, that's right. ME. And you know how I got the money for that Ferrari?"

"Beats me."

"I got it because I know what the customer wants. I been in this business for over 50 years and believe me, no one knows what the customer wants better than me. Not EVEN the customer."

"Well, what if the customer wants a Reuben?"

"Then he comes in at 7:30, and if he wants a Tuna Salad then he comes in at 6:00. Got it?"

"No. I don't 'get it'. You got Pastrami, you got Rye bread, I've got money to spend, so why don't we just do this now instead of waiting until 7:30."

"Cause like I told you - that ain't what the customer wants."

"Look Joe, how 'bout we do this. How 'bout you make me up a Reuben now, at 6:00, and I pay for it, but then I promise you I won't eat it until 7:30. Would that be ok? That wouldn't break any rules would it?"

"You mean I give you the sandwich now so that you can eat it later?"

"Yeah. We can call it timeshifting."

"No way."

"Why not?"

"How do I know that if I give you that sandwich now that you won't turn around and share it with some of your buddies, huh? And then what? Maybe they start sharing it with some of their buddies and pretty soon no one will want to buy any more sandwiches. No. No way. No deal partner."

"You're crazy Joe. You're totally Looney Tunes, man. Ok, say I come back at 7:30 and buy a sandwich, what's to stop me from sharing that sandwich with some of my buddies then? Huh?"

"This baseball bat I got under the counter, that's what."

"Baseball bat? You mean if I buy the sandwich and try to share it with someone you're gonna hit me over the head with a baseball bat?"

"Yeah, that's right. I call it DRM - Disfigure, Ruin and Maim."

"Well what if I get the sandwich to go? You gonna follow me around with a baseball bat?"

"To go? We don't have sandwiches to go. That ain't what the customer wants."

"Well maybe he does Joe. Maybe the customer wants the freedom to order a sandwich when it's convenient for him and eat it wherever and whenever he chooses. Does that seem so strange to you?"

"Damn right it does. If I say the customer wants his Reuben at 7:30 then that's when he wants his Reuben, see. Remember, I'm the one that's driving the Ferrari here. Got it?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"No" Joe says as he reaches back under the counter, "I said DO YOU GOT IT?"

"Yeah, I got it. Don't get yourself all worked up."

"Good, now is there anything else I can do for you?"

"How about a ham and cheese. Can I get a ham and cheese?"

"What did I just say. I said we got Tuna Salad, or don't you hear so good."

"But what about one of those ham and cheese sandwiches over there in the refrigerator. You don't even have to make 'em - they're all ready to go."

"Those are saved for group parties only."

"Huh?"

"It's a system. First we sell ham and cheese to large groups, then we sell them to food processors to be repackaged and sold in the supermarkets, then we sell them to caterers to resell to their paying clients, and then we sell them to the general public."

"So when can I get one?"

"Try me in about 6 months."

"6 months? Why can't you just sell me one now? I mean I'm here, I'm ready to buy, what's the problem?"

"Like I said, it's a system. This way everyone gets their cut, and besides, it's what the customer..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if I want a ham and cheese now I gotta go drive somewhere and buy a ticket so I can sit with a bunch of other people and we can all eat our ham and cheeses together. Is that how it works?"

"The experience is much better and it gets you out of the house."

"Sure it does, and I tell you after I go to all that trouble it better be one hell of ham and cheese sandwich. But what if it's just a so-so sandwich that I'd rather enjoy sitting on my sofa at home. You telling me I gotta wait 6 months?"

"That's the system."

"And that's what the customer wants, right?"

"You're catching on."

"Well, ok, let's say I wait the 6 months and I buy the ham and cheese. Will I be allowed to take it home?"

"Sure, that's the whole idea."

"And when I get home then I can do whatever I want with it?"

"Say, wait a minute..."

"I mean, if I want to share it with some of my friends that'll be ok?"

"Not unless you want me to whoop some DRM on your ass."

"No sharing then."

"You want to see my baseball bat?"

"No, that's ok. But how about if I don't want to eat the whole sandwich. How about if I want to save some of it. Not to share with anyone else, mind you, but just for my own personal use. Can I do that?"

"What do you mean personal use? That sounds like a bunch of crap to me. You're just saving it so that you can share it over the internet aren't you?"

"No, not share - personal use. My own, personal use."

"Look buddy, you buy the sandwich then you eat the sandwich. That's the way it works. You want to try anything funny then it's your ass, not mine."

"No personal use, then."

"..."

"Ok, ok...You know what I think. I think you can take all your rules and restrictions and shove 'em. If I want a Reuben or a ham and cheese then I don't need your permission - I'll just take 'em. And if I want to share 'em with my friends then I'll go ahead and share. And if you want to whoop a DRM beatin' on my ass then you just go ahead and try. Just remember you gotta catch me first."

"I got dogs."

"Dogs?"

"Yeah. Mean, ugly dogs with briefcases. Believe me you don't want to mess with those dogs 'cause they'll hunt you down and eat your liver."

"Heh - you don't scare me. Besides, who needs you're stupid sandwiches. We'll get some bread and ham and cheese and make our own. Then we won't even need your stupid deli, and if we feel like having a sandwich we'll just make one, and we can do whatever we want with it too. Eat it, share it, save it, anything we feel like and you can't do nothing about it. Yeah, we'll make 'em just the way we want 'em and and eat 'em whenever we feel like it. What do you think about that!"

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,ha, ..."

"What's so funny?"

"That'll never work."

"Why not?"

"Cause that's not what the customer wants."

No I Don't Need The Extended Warranty

I'm not a car guy so why does it come as no suprise that the big event this week in San Jose is a car race through downtown San Jose. Not that I mind, it's just that you've got all these Champ cars coming to town and racing around and making all kinds of noise and for what? Just to go around in circles and arrive back where they started from? Sheesh, what's the hurry?

But then, like I said, I'm not a car guy. Back in high school I was never one of those you'd see standing around the quad talking exhaust manifolds and carburators and reciting a bunch of numbers they memorized from a magazine with tailpipes and busty bikini models on the cover. Maybe I should have but the fact is I was too busy being one of those musician wannabes hanging around the music building and trying desperately to become the next Duane Allman or Jimi Hendrix.

"Hey man, show me how to play that".

"Sure, it goes like this (bee de lee de bee de bee bee twang). Got it?"

"No, man, you played it too fast. What was that first part again?"

"See ya'. "

"Oh...oh...ok, that's cool. You gotta jet, I get it. That's alright I think I got it. Let's see (thunk bip buzz buzz kdunk buzz...) Damn, I missed that last part. How did that go again? Oh yeah, I forgot. See ya'...thanks."

I wonder what's more pathetic - the wannabe's that try to talk cars and don't know what they're talking about or the wannabe's that try to be guitarists and can't play. Well, better to be one or the other than wind up being both, I suppose.

So, like I said, I'm not a car guy, and that's unfortunate too because it's that time again. That time that I'm sure so many of us look forward to. That time when we leave our comfortable little worlds, steel ourselves, grit our teeth, march down to our friendly local car dealerships and prepare to do battle with those frickin' people again.

Yes, it's car buying time.

Now if they would just invent a car that would always stay stylish and modern and never break down then I wouldn't have to go through with all this. What's even sadder is that I really don't have to go through with this. My current car is running just fine. It's one of those japanese models and all I do is put gas in it, change the oil, keep the tires and brakes fresh, and it just runs and runs and runs. It's dependable, reliable, extremely cheap to own and even though it's got around 110,000 miles on it I don't see any reason why it shouldn't go another 110,000. All I have to do is just keep doing what I'm doing.

And that's the problem with these japanese cars. They're so dependable and so reliable that after a while you just get sick of them. At least with an American or European car you can count on the thing to break down on you and force you to buy something else, but these japanese things just keep going on and on and on. I mean it's boring.

So I don't really need a new car, but I want a new car, and the prices are pretty good nowdays so why not. And this time I think I'm going to get...well, another japanese car. Geez, I haven't thrown prudence and sensibility completely out the window. This time, however, I'm using the internet to make sure I get exactly what I want.

And that's what this blog is really all about. (Yeah, I know, 5,000 words of introduction and we haven't even gotten to the first theme yet).

So here's the skinny on shopping for cars on the internet - it totally rocks. Now mind you I didn't say buying a car on the internet. That's a whole different story. But researching and pricing cars on the internet is definitely the way to go these days. There is just so much information out there. You got Edmunds, and Intellichoice, and Yahoo Auto, and Carsdirect and the list just goes on and on. You can get reviews, specs, options, dealer costs, dealer incentives, Kelly Blue Book value, trade-in value, loan rates, insurance quotes, and best of all, dealer quotes on any car currently for sale in your area.

Now, without even leaving the house, I know what I'm interested in, I know what the price is, I know what my current trade-in is worth, I know what my financing options are, and I know how much it will cost me to insure it. Grrrrrrr, c'mon Mr. Dealer man, I'm ready for ya. Yeah, that's right, you ain't gonna hornswaggle me! Now mind you, I've said that everytime I've ever bought a car in the past and I've always left the dealership feeling like I just had my pocket picked, but not this time.

No, this time I've got the price quoted in advance.

They say that bargaining over the internet saves the buyer, on average, about $400 over what they would have spent had they just walked into the dealership cold, and I believe them. This price quoting thing is great, and it seems like the dealers don't try to jerk you around so much if they know that you've been to Edmunds.com or some site like that where you have all the numbers right there in front of you. I got about 10 different quotes in on the 3 different cars I'm looking at, and they all were pretty good though definitely not all the same.

For instance, on one of the cars I had a quote that was $500 over Invoice, one that was $200 under invoice, and another that was $250 under invoice. Why so cheap? Because I can see right here on my computer screen that there is a $400 incentive being paid to the dealer by the manufacturer and that the 2006 model is just about to be introduced and some dealers are willing to sell under invoice in order to clear their inventory. That's why so cheap.

So now that I have price quotes in hand and all the other information I need, all I need to do is go down to the dealership and check the car out. If I like it, I buy it, and if I don't, I don't. I'm sure they'll try to lowball me on the trade-in but don't forget - I know what the trade-in value is too. As long as it's close and as long as I like the car then this whole car buying thing might just have gotten a whole lot easier. Yeah, what would we do without the good ol' internet.

Wish me luck!

Grandpa Myers, The Weather, and Whatever Else I Feel Like Talking About

The best part of seeing my Ohio relatives when they came to visit was just listening to them talk. That's because my relatives were real Ohioans, from the old school that is, and for a kid born and raised in California like me it was always a hoot to listen to all those strange Midwestestern things they used to say. Not that Ohioans talk like that anymore, of course, but in those days before the country was flattened by the banalities of a common culture people from Ohio used to talk different. At least my relatives did, and it was always brought out a few giggles from me and my brothers.

Especially Grandpa Myers. Grandpa Myers was Ohio through and through.

"Hey Buddy (that was my father's name), looks like you could use a little rain. Doesn't seem to much water in that crick over there."

(giggle, giggle, giggle)

"What's so funny back there boys?"

"Grandpa, you said crick. It's not crick, it's creek. C-R-E-E-K, creek."

"Creek? Why that little ol' mud puddle. I never heard such a thing. Ain't enough water in it to be a CREEK. Back where I come from a puny little thing like ain't nothing more than a crick. Ain't that right Buddy?"

"Out here they say creek, Dad. You boys have never seen a real creek before, have you? Not like they have back in Ohio."

"You know we had a crick back in Ohio and when your Dad was about your age he used to go diving into it off an old wooden bridge. Lucky he didn't break his neck, ain't that right Buddy? Good thing Grandma never caught you. Ho, good night nurse!"

(giggle, giggle, giggle)

"Now what're you laughing about?"

"Grandpa, what does 'good night nurse' mean?"

"Never mind that boys. Now Dad, what do you and mom want to eat tonight? You feel like going out to a restaurant or do you want Marge (that was my mother's adopted name) to fix something up at home?"

"That's up to you Buddy. Whatever you feel like doing."

"How about a restaurant. Got any favorites you feel like going to?"

"Well, how about that Eye-talian restaurant we went to last time. That was pretty good."

(giggle, giggle, giggle)

"That Eye-talian restaurant, down there by the crick. Is that where you want to go?"

(guffaw, guffaw, guffaw)

"Boys, settle down back there, I mean it. I don't know what you think is so funny."

"It's not Eye-talian, dad, it's It-alian."

"What did I say?"

(snicker, snicker, snort, snort.)

"You said Eye-talian. (giggle, snort, guffaw, snicker) You said the Eye-talian restaurant down by the crick (chortle, snort, laugh, giggle)"

Okay, so I never said we were mature for our age. Anyways, Grandpa always got a kick out of it and after a while I think he used to put on a little extra of that midwestern talk just to get us going. He'd thown in a few "look out Sadie's" and "Katie bar the door's" just to get us giggling, and of course when he said the word "root" it always rhymed with "foot". "You want to get a root beer" always sounded a lot like "You want to get a foot gear" when coming out of Grandpa's mouth.

Grandpa's favorite word, however, was winnergnauss. What did it mean? Well it wasnt' a real word at all but just a made up word he'd use whenever he was talking about horseradish. Yeah, my Grandpa loved his horseradish. Liverwurst sandwiches with horseradish, sausages with horseradish, saurkraut with horseradish, peanut butter and horser...well, you get the idea. But he never called it horseradish, he always called it winnergnauss, for reasons he never explained. But it became kind of like a little family joke.

"How's the steak, Grandpa?"

"Needs some winnergnauss."

(giggle, giggle, giggle.)

"How are the eggs Grandpa?"

"Where's the winnergnauss?"

(giggle, giggle, giggle)

Well, you get the idea. I remember once after Grandma and Grandpa moved to So. California my Grandpa took me to this new German restaurant that just opened up down the street. Geez, he was so excited because there was no place to get any good German food down where they were living at the time, so when this new restaurant finally opened he took me out for a walk one day and headed straight for the place and some good German cooking. We finally got to the end of the block and I could see the big red roof and on top of it was a big yellow sign on top that read

"Der Weinerschnitzel - Grand Opening".

So on we went to take a look and it was almost sad to see the disappointment on Grandpa's face when he looked at the menu. No brautwurst, no liverwurst, no saurbraten, nothing. Finally he looked down the menu and found something that looked at least a little promising. "I'll have a kraut dog", he said and I ordered a hot dog for myself and we sat down to eat. Poor Grandpa, I saw him take one bite and almost sneer with disgust as he put the thing back in it's wrapper and down the dumpster.

"What's wrong, Grandpa. Aren't you hungry?"

"Needs winnergnauss", he grumbled, and that's the last German meal he ever ordered up at Der Weinerschnitzel.

So why am I telling you all this? Well, it has to do with this heat wave we've been having. You see, out here in the Bay Area we have what are called "microclimates". What that means is that in the summertime a huge bank of fog hugs the coast of California and creates these huge climatic differences in the local weather. It's not unusual, for instance, for temperatures to be sub-zero at the coastline and then be 179 degrees only a few miles inland.

And the weatherpeople love this.

Just turn on the news any night in the summertime and you'll see them up there on the TV screen grinning as they make their forecasts. "Look for temperatures around 158 degrees tomorrow in Livermore, and for you folks at the coast be sure to carry chains as there's a winter storm warning in effect for San Franscisco and Pacifica." Yeah, they just love it as we inland folk sit and swelter while they stand around their air conditioned studios and play with all their little weather toys. Pisses me off, too. I say no one should be allowed to stand there and grin while others suffer, but then weatherpeople enjoy the suffering of others, don't they?

Of course they do. When the weather's nice and calm and nothing's really happening they just stand there in front of the camera looking bored and distracted and thinking about what they're going to have for dinner that night or where they're going to go on their next vacation or whatever. But as soon and a tornado touches down or a hurricane blows ashore or a sweltering heat wave settles in then they perk up and get all excited. "Alright", they say, "weather danger, people are suffering, this is so cool". And then they just start their grinnin'. Bah, I say, come down here and I'll wipe that grin from your face, Mr. Weatherperson. Nyah, I'll show you what I think of your forecast, nyah. You think you can mess with Little Rico, huh? I'll show you. Nyah.

Well, anyways. So the best part of when your Ohio relatives comes to visit is when they decide they want to go visit San Francisco for the first time. That is if you live in San Jose, I mean, because being south of San Francisco in the summertime means that our temperatures are around 30 degrees warmer than the temperatures in S.F., and that always makes for great fun.

There they are, your Ohio relatives, it's 95 degrees outside and they've got their shorts on and maybe a sleeveless blouse or a polo shirt on all ready for a nice sunny day in the great city by the bay, and then out you come carrying a sweater or a jacket and they look at like you've got a few bolts loose.

"Buddy, you're not bringing a jacket are you? Why it's so hot out here I'm about to melt."

"It can get pretty cold up in San Francisco ma, you might want to bring a coat along."

"No, I'll be fine. You've got air conditioning in that car of yours don't you?"

"Yeah. Sure you don't want to bring a coat?"

"No I'll be alright."

"Ok, don't say I didn't warn you."

Yeah, those first-timers, they're pretty funny. They never know what they're getting into. They figure if it's hot in San Jose then it must be hot everywhere, but then they get out of the car at fisherman's wharf and that fog and that wind hits them and they get educated real fast. Hooey, that's always good for a laugh, and it's even better when all the native San Franciscans walking around in scarves and winter coats start looking at them in their shorts and thin little blouses and start giving each other those knowing glances. You know the kind.

"Tourists. Must have come up from San Jose".

Yeah, that's just one of the ways that we Bay Areans get our kicks when entertaining out-of-state visitors. And of course we take pictures so that we can look back through our photo albums years later and remember the day. There's mom and dad and me all bundled up and smiling in front of a huge fog bank that's supposed to be the Golden Gate Bridge, and look, there's Aunt Rose shivering like a ghost, clutching her arms together, and the wind blowing her hair while her face turns blue. Wasn't that a great time.

I just love looking back through those old pictures.

Tea And Sympathy

Summertime, and the living is heavy
Sun is high, and my back racked with pain
Dropped a quarter, so I bent down to fetch it
And when I stood I was hurtin', only myself to blame

They don't write 'em like that anymore, do they? Anyways, just thought all of my readers would like to know the lengths to which I go to bring you this blog each week. You see the truth is...I'm hurtin' here folks. I wrenched my back yesterday picking up a quarter I dropped at the soda machine and let me tell you the pain is tremendous. But do I whine? Do I complain? Of course not, for neither rain nor sleet nor stabbing pain will stay this blogger from his appointed rounds. Chin up, shoulders straight, and on we go...

I guess.

Then again, maybe not. Sorry, dear reader, but this isn't working out. I think I better go lay down for a while. I really need to get a pillow under my back and maybe pop a Hilary Hahn CD in the old stereo and try to forget the pain. Yeah that sounds good. Just dream of me and Hilary down at the beach, running and laughing and dipping our toes in the surf. Man, makes me feel better already. The waves crashing, the seagulls gliding in the distance, the crackling of the fire as she smiles and meets my gaze. Yes, I can almost feel the soothing touch of her fingers as she kneels beside me and gently rubs my aching back...

Ow, damn it. I almost forgot. My aching back! Excuse the early exit but I'm gonna have to catch ya'll next time.

And by the way, what ever happened to Hilary? No journal entries, no new CD's, no concert tours. Don't tell me she's down at the beach with someone else. Oh, how I suffer, how I suffer.

Wonder Of Wonder, Miracle Of Miracles

It must be a California thing, I guess, but still there's nothing quite like coming home after a long Fourth of July weekend and finding that your house hasn't been burnt to the ground. Not that people don't try- believe me they do. In fact it's now 2 days past the Fourth and I'm still going to sleep each night with the sound of a hundred little explosions popping in my ear (along with an occaisional Whistlin' Pete, of course - geez, are they still making those things). Oh well, that's life in the combat zone, I suppose.

One nice little suprise I did come home to was left on my front doorstep courtesy of one of the neighbors kitty cats. Ah yes, what better way to greet the day than to open the front door in the morning and find 10,000 flies buzzing around your head, and then look down at your feet and find a half-eaten carcass of a dead garter snake decaying all over your welcome mat. What a pretty sight that was, I tell ya', and especially nice were the 8 billion ants that were crawling over it and carrying it off piece by tiny little piece.

But then I don't blame the cat (and I think I know which one it was). Cats are just neighborly that way, and though I'd rather not take one side over the other, if I had to choose I'd rather have a cat as a neighbor than a dog any day. I mean other than the occasional dead bird or snake they may leave in the yard, cats generally keep to themselves and don't bark all night or crap all over your lawn, do they? No, that's what dogs are for and that's why I welcome my kitty cat neighbors. In fact, after I buried what was left of the snake I have to admit I even felt a little touched that this cat would think so highly of me that it would want to share it's meal. Well ok, maybe not touched, but at least I appreciated the gesture.

But you didn't come here tonight to hear about that, did you. No, people read blogs to catch up on all the latest tech news, so that's what I'm gonna give you.

Have you heard about this new Yahoo Music service? You haven't? Well great, let me tell you about it. For around $7.00 a month (or $5.00 a month if you sign up for the full year in advance) you can legally access Yahoo's entire library of over 1 million songs and download them to your computer or supported MP3 player. Of course Napster and Real Rhapsody have been offering this same service for a couple of months now, but at over twice the price. Yahoo is clearly trying to undercut the competition and win this market, and to sweeten the deal they're also offering a free 7 day trial for the service.

Naturally I had to check this out.

And that's where my next big suprise came because I've looked at these services in the past and have always been disappointed that my MP3 player was not among the ones supported. I could listen on my computer, but the only way I could take the music with me was to download it to my laptop and then lug that around with me whenever I wanted to listen. But when I looked down Yahoo's list of supported devices what should I spy but my cellphone listed as a supported device.

That's right - my cellphone!

Ah, the good ol' SMT5600 just keeps getting more and more useful everyday. So, to make a long story short, I signed up for the trial, downloaded a few CD's to my cellphone, and bada-bing bada-boom, it works perfectly. Now instead of having to carry around a MP3 player and a cellphone with me wherever I go, I have the option of just loading everything on the phone and leaving the MP3 player at home. I say "option" because there are a couple of drawbacks to this whole scenario.

The first is that my cellphone currently has only 512 MB's of storage on it, and that's because I only have a 512 MB flash memory card (miniSD) installed. Of course I could upgrade to a 1 GB card but the 1 gig miniSD cards are currently hard to find and a little on the expensive side. Still, 512 MB gives me room for about 8 hours of the high quality 192kb music which is enough to get me through the day.

The major drawback with the SMT5600, though, is the lack of a standard headphone jack. Like many phones on the market these days, the SMT uses a 2.5mm submini jack instead of the standard 3.5mm mini jack found on all other types of portable audio devices. Given the multimedia capablilities of this phone that seems like an egregious oversight to me and you'd think that Audiovox would at least offer some type of adapter with the phone so that users could use their high quality headphones with the device, but they don't. Fortuantely Palm One offers such an adapter for their Treo line of PDA phones and it looks like I'll be ordering one of those. In the meantime I'm stuck using the regular headset that Audiovox ships with the unit and although it sounds pretty good, I know my regular headphones would sound much better.

But nothing's perfect and, like I said, the music coming over the regular headset sounds pretty good. I know when I first heard that the wireless companies were going to offer phones with MP3 capabilities I thought the whole idea was pretty lame. I mean c'mon, listening to music on your cellphone - who are they kidding. But now that I'm there and doing it I gotta admit it's pretty cool. A little device that fits in your pocket (or on your belt) that can make phone calls, surf the net (sort of), retrieve your email, take pictures (albeit very poor ones), display pictures, play music, play movies, or perform a hundred other little tasks. I tell ya', it's what the modern world is coming to. Tell me this isn't geek heaven.

And I'm not even a geek.