This Whole New Media Thing Explained

It was hot, I was tired, so I decided to head over to the Big Media Deli to get a bite to eat.

"Hiya Joe, give me a Reuben will ya."

"No can do, man. If you want a Reuben you'll have to wait until 7:30."

"But Joe, that's an hour and half from now," I says. "Can't you just make me up a sandwich now?"

"Like I said, you want a Reuben then you'll have to wait."

"Don't you got any Pastrami?"

"Yeah, I got Pastrami."

"Don't you got any Rye?"

"Yeah, I got the Rye."

"Then why do I got to wait around till 7:30?"

"Cause that's the way we do things around here. Look, you want a Reuben then come back at 7:30. You want to eat now then we're serving Tuna Salad."

"But that don't make no sense, Joe. If you got the Pastrami and you got the Rye then why can't I..."

"Look Buddy," Joe says to me as he reaches his hand under the counter, "We gonna have trouble here?"

"No, no trouble. Hell of a way to treat your customers, though."

"Treat the customers? Look, you see that Ferrari parked over there in the parking lot?"

"Yeah I see it."

"You know who owns that Ferrari?"

"You?"

"Yeah, that's right. ME. And you know how I got the money for that Ferrari?"

"Beats me."

"I got it because I know what the customer wants. I been in this business for over 50 years and believe me, no one knows what the customer wants better than me. Not EVEN the customer."

"Well, what if the customer wants a Reuben?"

"Then he comes in at 7:30, and if he wants a Tuna Salad then he comes in at 6:00. Got it?"

"No. I don't 'get it'. You got Pastrami, you got Rye bread, I've got money to spend, so why don't we just do this now instead of waiting until 7:30."

"Cause like I told you - that ain't what the customer wants."

"Look Joe, how 'bout we do this. How 'bout you make me up a Reuben now, at 6:00, and I pay for it, but then I promise you I won't eat it until 7:30. Would that be ok? That wouldn't break any rules would it?"

"You mean I give you the sandwich now so that you can eat it later?"

"Yeah. We can call it timeshifting."

"No way."

"Why not?"

"How do I know that if I give you that sandwich now that you won't turn around and share it with some of your buddies, huh? And then what? Maybe they start sharing it with some of their buddies and pretty soon no one will want to buy any more sandwiches. No. No way. No deal partner."

"You're crazy Joe. You're totally Looney Tunes, man. Ok, say I come back at 7:30 and buy a sandwich, what's to stop me from sharing that sandwich with some of my buddies then? Huh?"

"This baseball bat I got under the counter, that's what."

"Baseball bat? You mean if I buy the sandwich and try to share it with someone you're gonna hit me over the head with a baseball bat?"

"Yeah, that's right. I call it DRM - Disfigure, Ruin and Maim."

"Well what if I get the sandwich to go? You gonna follow me around with a baseball bat?"

"To go? We don't have sandwiches to go. That ain't what the customer wants."

"Well maybe he does Joe. Maybe the customer wants the freedom to order a sandwich when it's convenient for him and eat it wherever and whenever he chooses. Does that seem so strange to you?"

"Damn right it does. If I say the customer wants his Reuben at 7:30 then that's when he wants his Reuben, see. Remember, I'm the one that's driving the Ferrari here. Got it?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"No" Joe says as he reaches back under the counter, "I said DO YOU GOT IT?"

"Yeah, I got it. Don't get yourself all worked up."

"Good, now is there anything else I can do for you?"

"How about a ham and cheese. Can I get a ham and cheese?"

"What did I just say. I said we got Tuna Salad, or don't you hear so good."

"But what about one of those ham and cheese sandwiches over there in the refrigerator. You don't even have to make 'em - they're all ready to go."

"Those are saved for group parties only."

"Huh?"

"It's a system. First we sell ham and cheese to large groups, then we sell them to food processors to be repackaged and sold in the supermarkets, then we sell them to caterers to resell to their paying clients, and then we sell them to the general public."

"So when can I get one?"

"Try me in about 6 months."

"6 months? Why can't you just sell me one now? I mean I'm here, I'm ready to buy, what's the problem?"

"Like I said, it's a system. This way everyone gets their cut, and besides, it's what the customer..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if I want a ham and cheese now I gotta go drive somewhere and buy a ticket so I can sit with a bunch of other people and we can all eat our ham and cheeses together. Is that how it works?"

"The experience is much better and it gets you out of the house."

"Sure it does, and I tell you after I go to all that trouble it better be one hell of ham and cheese sandwich. But what if it's just a so-so sandwich that I'd rather enjoy sitting on my sofa at home. You telling me I gotta wait 6 months?"

"That's the system."

"And that's what the customer wants, right?"

"You're catching on."

"Well, ok, let's say I wait the 6 months and I buy the ham and cheese. Will I be allowed to take it home?"

"Sure, that's the whole idea."

"And when I get home then I can do whatever I want with it?"

"Say, wait a minute..."

"I mean, if I want to share it with some of my friends that'll be ok?"

"Not unless you want me to whoop some DRM on your ass."

"No sharing then."

"You want to see my baseball bat?"

"No, that's ok. But how about if I don't want to eat the whole sandwich. How about if I want to save some of it. Not to share with anyone else, mind you, but just for my own personal use. Can I do that?"

"What do you mean personal use? That sounds like a bunch of crap to me. You're just saving it so that you can share it over the internet aren't you?"

"No, not share - personal use. My own, personal use."

"Look buddy, you buy the sandwich then you eat the sandwich. That's the way it works. You want to try anything funny then it's your ass, not mine."

"No personal use, then."

"..."

"Ok, ok...You know what I think. I think you can take all your rules and restrictions and shove 'em. If I want a Reuben or a ham and cheese then I don't need your permission - I'll just take 'em. And if I want to share 'em with my friends then I'll go ahead and share. And if you want to whoop a DRM beatin' on my ass then you just go ahead and try. Just remember you gotta catch me first."

"I got dogs."

"Dogs?"

"Yeah. Mean, ugly dogs with briefcases. Believe me you don't want to mess with those dogs 'cause they'll hunt you down and eat your liver."

"Heh - you don't scare me. Besides, who needs you're stupid sandwiches. We'll get some bread and ham and cheese and make our own. Then we won't even need your stupid deli, and if we feel like having a sandwich we'll just make one, and we can do whatever we want with it too. Eat it, share it, save it, anything we feel like and you can't do nothing about it. Yeah, we'll make 'em just the way we want 'em and and eat 'em whenever we feel like it. What do you think about that!"

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,ha, ..."

"What's so funny?"

"That'll never work."

"Why not?"

"Cause that's not what the customer wants."