They Grow Up So Fast

It's no secret that Barbie is in trouble. Sales are down and it seems like little girls just aren't as taken with the young Miss' as they used to be. I think maybe it's time to update the franchise and bring Barbie into the modern world, don't you? After all, what the young girls of today need is a plastic doll they can relate to, a doll more in tune with the 21st century. Here are a few of my suggestions to freshen up the franchise and make Barbie more compatible with today's young bobby-soxers.

1. The Barbie Tattoo Kit - Battery operated power supply and all the needles and inks your little 7 year old will need to adorn her Barbie with the latest tattoo styles. Also includes basic rose, skull, and barbwire templates that she'll need to get started, with an easy-to-follow booklet to illustrate more advanced designs she can make on her own. Imagine the fun you'll have as you help your daughter find just the right tattoo for her new Barbie, and then discuss the type of tattoo she might want to get when she gets when she becomes a teenager. Completely safe and non-toxic.

2. The Barbie Body Piercing Kit - Includes pliers, rings, piercing needles, antiseptic towelettes and special Barbie edition body jewlery. A perfect introduction to the ancient to the ancient art of body piercing. You'll be amazed as she pierces parts of Barbies body that you never imagined could be pierced. Nose, tongue, navel, kneecaps - the possiblities are endless. A special bargain when purchased with the Barbie Tattoo Kit.

3. The Barbie "Let's Hang Out at the Mall" Kit - Includes Barbie cellphone, Barbie credit card and Ammonia Inhalants. Hours and hours of endless fun as Barbie hangs out at the mall, flirts with the boys, SMS's her friends and shops for all the latest fashions. A perfect way to introduce young girls to the busy world of commerce, dating and multitasking. Ammonia Inhalants provided to revive the parents when they receive the end-of-the-month bills.

4. The Barbie Cosmetic Surgery Kit - Watch your daughter explore with this collection of syringes, scalpels, Botox, Collagen, Lyposuction machine and body enhancing implants. Thrill as she mixes and matches, adds and subtracts, and creates the perfect Barbie. (Note: This kit is automatically included with special "California" edition Barbies. Available separately on all other models).

Well, that's all I can think of right now, although I'm sure you can think of a few more. But hey, here's an idea. How about a replacement for that old G.I. Joe doll? You know the doll that's made for little boys. Personally, I never played with dolls when I was a kid, but I know that some boys do so why not an updated model for them too. We can call it the "Gameboy Jim" and it would be really simple. Just a male doll dressed in a dirty T-shirt and jeans, and the box would include a little toy TV, and a little toy game console and controller, and a little toy couch. Of course, the doll wouldn't do anything - it wouldn't even have to move. All it would have to do is sit there on the couch with it's hands wrapped around the controller while it stares at the TV. Yes, that's a great idea. I bet there isn't a young boy in the entire country who couldn't relate to that.

I really ought to be in marketing.