He Ain't Heavy, He's My (Big) Brother

I warned you about that Stagflation thing, didn't I? Yeah, well, you never listen to me anyways. So here we are a couple of hurricanes later and what do we have - rising prices and a slowing economy, that's what. But I didn't come here to say "I told you so", I came to ask "what can we do about it?"

So here's my solution.

See, I've been thinking on this and trying to figure out what we should do . I mean we've got this souring economy with soaring energy prices, rising credit card delinquency rates, slower than expected job growth (before the hurricanes), and all the rest of it. What should we do? Well, it's obvious isn't it?

We should sell the economy.

I mean let's dump this turkey on some unsuspecting rube and go out and buy ourselves a new one. I was thinking maybe we could put it up on EBay. You know...

For Sale - One National Economy. 229 years old. Mint condition with some minor blemishes (rising prices and shrinking manufacturing base) but otherwise excellent. Secure markets and sound infrastructure an added bonus. Must see!!!
Current Bid $1.00

Sure, that'd sell. I bet we could get 2, maybe 3 trillion dollars for it. Then, once we had the cash we could go out and buy Shanghai or something. Maybe even have a little left over for a nice downpayment on Singapore or Hong Kong. Geez, that'd be a perfect solution.

But then I thought about it some more and and even better idea came to me. Don't sell it on EBay, sell it to Google instead! Sheesh, they can afford it, and as far as I can tell they haven't bought a national economy yet. Yeah, what a great idea, and as luck would have it they just happen to be headquartered right here in Silicon Valley. It would be a breeze for me to just pop on over there and see what they have to say.

So that's what I did.

I got in my car and headed north. You know even though they're right up the road from me in Mt. View I'd never been to the actual Google HQ before, and boy what a treat that was. That beautiful glass building glimmering Ozlike in the California sun...well, words alone can't express the wonder and awe. I parked my car and entered the front lobby where I immediately spotted a sign posted at the front reception desk.

Ezevkedd Jgg, Ezed Google.

Puzzled, I asked the receptionist what the sign said.

"Oh, it is a little strange isn't it?" she said to me.

"Yes it is. I've never seen anything like it."

"Well", she explained, "at Google we discovered that if we're ever going to realize our goal of indexing the entirety of human thought and experience and hyperlink every idea and fact as it exists in the world today, then we would have to come up with some kind of common language to describe it all. You know, a truly international language that would unify all the nationalities and ethnic groups around the globe."

"You mean you invented your own language?"

"Yes...we had to."

"What is this language of yours called?" I asked.

"Why Google, of course. We call it Google, and the founders tell us that someday it will replace all other languages."

"Google? Are you serious? You really expect everyone to drop the language they're currently using and learn Google?"

"Why of course we're serious, and after all when Google becomes the architecture what other choice will they have? There will be only Google, the founders have decreed it. In fact the founders have seen it in a vision. The day will come when we will all be Google, when we will all think Google, when the first words out of a babies mouth won't be Mommy or Dada but..."

"Google?"

"(sigh)"

"Well I'm pretty old-fashioned I guess and I don't speak much Google so would you mind telling me what the sign says. In English, that is."

"Sure. It says 'There are no secrets, there is only Google'."

"No secrets, only Google huh. Sounds a little sinister if you ask me."

"I knew you were going to say that."

"You did?"

"Yes, Mr. Myers, you have no secrets from us."

"Right... No secrets."

"Now I believe you're here to see Mr. Brin, is that right? Something about the national economy?"

"Yes, but how did you..."

"What did I just say. No secrets, Mr. Myers. No secrets."

"Oh yeah, only Google. You know you're starting to scare me."

"Mr. Brin asked me to tell you that he can't see you right now, however he knew you'd be up here to make the offer and he wants you to know that Google is already in prelimary talks with the government about issues which may or may not be related to those which you wish to speak to him about."

"You mean they're really going to do it? Google's going to buy the entire U.S. national economy?"

"..."

"Oh c'mon. You can tell me. Are they really going to buy the whole economy?"

"I'd love to discuss this with you but I'm afraid I can't unless you sign a Non-disclosure Agreement. Of course we knew you were on your way here so we've already got one prepared and ready to go."

"You people are unbelievable. You knew I was coming so you..."

"There are no secrets, only..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let me see that Agreement."

"Oh that won't be necessary. We already know that you'll sign the Agreement, so if you'll just take this pen and sign here."

"You already know I'll sign the Agreement? Well, of all the nerve. You know maybe I don't feel like signing the Agreement. Maybe you people aren't as all-knowing as you think you are. Maybe you can take this Agreement and shove it right up that all-seeing Oracle of yours. Yeah, what do you think about that?"

"You'll sign it."

"Oh yeah, why's that?"

"Because if you don't then this entire post will have been a waste of time."

"How do you work this pen."

"Just twist the end there. That's it. Good. All signed. Now what is it that you want to know?"

"I want to know if Google is really going to buy the United States of America?"

"Actually, it's just the data we want. You know, there is a lot of top secret data that we haven't been able to access yet. The founders feel that by purchasing this country, among others, we'll be able to index that information and add it to our databases and thus extend our reach ever deeper into the lives of every man, woman and child alive in the world today."

"Wait a second. I thought your motto was 'No secrets, only Google'. You mean to tell me that there are databases that you don't have access to?"

"Give us time, Mr. Myers. It's only a matter of time."

"I don't know what to say. Words escape me. I'm...I'm...I'm... so humbled."

"Be at peace, Mr. Myers. Let Google be your light in the darkness."

"I feel so small, so frail somehow. Yes, it's true. You have shown me the way. There is only Google. The one, the only. No secrets, only Google."

"Rest now, my son. Lay down your burden and embrace the kingdom which is Google. Be Google, Live Google, Know Google."

"I feel so safe."

"Google will protect you."

"I feel so strong."

"Let Google be your sword."

"I feel so loved."

Amen

Amen