Speed Date

"I'd never date a guy who wasn't taller than me."

"Oh really."

"Yeah. It's like something I'd never do, you know?"

"Tall is important."

"It is. I mean, I like tall guys."

"What if he's a serial killer?"

"Tall guys aren't serial killers. Short, ugly guys are serial killers."

"I think Ted Bundy was tall."

"Well, then I guess I wouldn't date him, would I? But then, you know, I'm just this incredibly shallow person so what would I know."

"You're right. I'd never date a girl unless she was a 36EE. I have my mininum requirements."

"What if she was a serial killer?"

"Well then, I guess I'd die with a smile on my face, wouldn't I."

"Guys are worse than girls. All they care about is the T&A."

"No we don't. That's a load of crap. Maybe that's all that tall guys care about."

"That's all any guy cares about."

(silence)

"Nice place, huh? You ever been here before?"

"No... So what do you do, anyways?"

"What do I do? You mean for a living?"

"Yeah, for a living. Do you have a job or something."

"Yeah, I'm a ______."

"What's that?"

"It means I'm a person who organizes other people's messes and passes 'em on down to someone else. A lot of jobs are like that you know."

"You don't sound too thrilled about it."

"It's great. How about you? Don't tell me. You're in marketing, right?"

"Assistant sales manager for ______."

"Assistant sales manager, huh. You know I always say that one thing we can never have enough of is people trying to sell us shit."

"It's not just sales. My clients are doctors who need to keep up with all the latest pharmeceutical products. That's what we make. So it's not just sales, it's also education and problem solving and things like that."

"You're a drug dealer? You mean you push drugs."

"Not like that. You know people would die without the pharmaceutical industry. It's amazing, like people think we're some kind of bad thing, and really what we're doing is saving people's lives."

"Gee, I never thought of it like that. And all this time I thought the drug companies were just greedy, money-grubbing bastards."

"Yeah, well, we're not. Look, maybe this was a bad idea. I think maybe I should go."

"Aren't you expecting a phone call?"

"A phone call?"

"Yeah, you know the 'ol 'get-out-of-a-bad-date' phone call from some friend who has this unexpected emergency you've got to take care of. What time are they supposed to call?"

(silence)

"I told her to call around 8 o'clock."

"Well, that's only a half-hour from now. Why don't you stick around and let me buy you dinner. It's the least I can do after spoiling your evening."

"Oh, you've got this all figured out, don't you?"

"Look, relax. Have something to eat. What have you got to lose."

"What's your problem anyways? Do you always go around with a bug up your ass?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Oh, well that's a winning strategy. You know I used to date this guy and he always has a smile on his face and treated people nice, even when he was feeling like shit. And guess what? It didn't kill him to be nice to people, and he used to have this really nice place and drive like this really nice Porsche and everything. You know you might want to try that sometime. People like it when you're nice to them."

"What are you talking about. I'm always nice to people. It's just that I'm a little more honest than most folks. Besides, I think I'd rather talk about duck turds than some guy and his fancy Porsche."

"Whatever. I think I'll just have a salad. What's this California Salad?"

"I don't know. That probably means it's made out of avocado's and botox or something like that."

"Really? They put botox in salads?"

"I was making a joke. You know, ha-ha-ha. I was trying to be nice."

"Oh. Nice try."

(silence)

"Man, I hate this small talk, don't you. Why don't you tell me about one of your interesting thoughts or unusual experiences or something? You can even pretend I'm somebody tall if that will help."

"Well, here's an interesting thought. You're kind of an asshole, aren't you."

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...."

"You think that's funny?"

"No, but it is the first real thing you've said all night. No offense, but you shouldn't go around trying to impress people all the time. It's kind of phony."

"And you shouldn't go around being such an asshole all the time. It's a little too real."

(silence)

"You're right."

"What?"

"You're right. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm sorry I'm giving you such a rough time. I mean we don't even know each other."

"Look, you're just having a bad night, that's all. I understand. So, did you just break up with someone? I know I get really unsociable when that happens."

"No, not really."

"Not really? You don't know if you broke up with someone or not?"

"Well no...tell me, do you believe in love at first sight. You know, 'Some enchanted evening, you will see a stranger' and all that. Did anything like that ever happen to you?"

"I don't know. I guess so. Anything's possible."

"Well it doesn't happen to me. Not normally anyways."

"Uh-huh. Who was she?"

"What difference does it make. It's like someone dropped a load of bricks on my head, and then she was gone. Poof! Just like that, it was over before it started. Really screwed me up for some reason."

"So?"

"So nothing. Life goes on."

"Well I guess it can happen like that sometimes. Not to me, mind you. The guys I've been with have all been losers, you know. I was glad to see them go. Not that we didn't have fun, but for some reason I just can't ever find anyone normal. I always end up with these liars and control freaks. God, don't get me started."

"You ever been married?"

"No. How about you?"

"No. Seeing anyone?"

"Nothing serious. You?"

"Nah. You might find this hard to believe but a lot of people find me difficult to get along with."

"Sort of an asshole right?"

"Oh, come on. I'm not so..."

"I'm sorry. You're ok, and you're right - I shouldn't try to impress people all the time. I don't know why I do that."

"I don't know. You're kind of impressing me right now."

"I am?"

(silence)

"Hey, let's order up some dinner, ok."

"Sure. I'm starving."

"Hey waiter. I think we're ready."

Waiter: "Ok, what'll it be folks. Today's special is lemon pepper steak."

"What do you want? You still want the salad?"

"Yeah, I think I'll have the California salad. Is there any botox in that?"

Waiter: "Botox?"

"That was a joke. Ha-ha-ha..."

Waiter: "No botox, ma'am, but we can put a little collagen in the dressing if you'd like."

"No, that's ok. She'll have the California salad and I'll have the same. And waiter, how about a nice bottle of wine."

"Wine? (blech....)"

"Ok, skip the wine. How about a (beer?)".

"(ok)"

"Two California salads and a couple of bottles of beer. And leave the bottle caps."