Speed Date

"I'd never date a guy who wasn't taller than me."

"Oh really."

"Yeah. It's like something I'd never do, you know?"

"Tall is important."

"It is. I mean, I like tall guys."

"What if he's a serial killer?"

"Tall guys aren't serial killers. Short, ugly guys are serial killers."

"I think Ted Bundy was tall."

"Well, then I guess I wouldn't date him, would I? But then, you know, I'm just this incredibly shallow person so what would I know."

"You're right. I'd never date a girl unless she was a 36EE. I have my mininum requirements."

"What if she was a serial killer?"

"Well then, I guess I'd die with a smile on my face, wouldn't I."

"Guys are worse than girls. All they care about is the T&A."

"No we don't. That's a load of crap. Maybe that's all that tall guys care about."

"That's all any guy cares about."

(silence)

"Nice place, huh? You ever been here before?"

"No... So what do you do, anyways?"

"What do I do? You mean for a living?"

"Yeah, for a living. Do you have a job or something."

"Yeah, I'm a ______."

"What's that?"

"It means I'm a person who organizes other people's messes and passes 'em on down to someone else. A lot of jobs are like that you know."

"You don't sound too thrilled about it."

"It's great. How about you? Don't tell me. You're in marketing, right?"

"Assistant sales manager for ______."

"Assistant sales manager, huh. You know I always say that one thing we can never have enough of is people trying to sell us shit."

"It's not just sales. My clients are doctors who need to keep up with all the latest pharmeceutical products. That's what we make. So it's not just sales, it's also education and problem solving and things like that."

"You're a drug dealer? You mean you push drugs."

"Not like that. You know people would die without the pharmaceutical industry. It's amazing, like people think we're some kind of bad thing, and really what we're doing is saving people's lives."

"Gee, I never thought of it like that. And all this time I thought the drug companies were just greedy, money-grubbing bastards."

"Yeah, well, we're not. Look, maybe this was a bad idea. I think maybe I should go."

"Aren't you expecting a phone call?"

"A phone call?"

"Yeah, you know the 'ol 'get-out-of-a-bad-date' phone call from some friend who has this unexpected emergency you've got to take care of. What time are they supposed to call?"

(silence)

"I told her to call around 8 o'clock."

"Well, that's only a half-hour from now. Why don't you stick around and let me buy you dinner. It's the least I can do after spoiling your evening."

"Oh, you've got this all figured out, don't you?"

"Look, relax. Have something to eat. What have you got to lose."

"What's your problem anyways? Do you always go around with a bug up your ass?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Oh, well that's a winning strategy. You know I used to date this guy and he always has a smile on his face and treated people nice, even when he was feeling like shit. And guess what? It didn't kill him to be nice to people, and he used to have this really nice place and drive like this really nice Porsche and everything. You know you might want to try that sometime. People like it when you're nice to them."

"What are you talking about. I'm always nice to people. It's just that I'm a little more honest than most folks. Besides, I think I'd rather talk about duck turds than some guy and his fancy Porsche."

"Whatever. I think I'll just have a salad. What's this California Salad?"

"I don't know. That probably means it's made out of avocado's and botox or something like that."

"Really? They put botox in salads?"

"I was making a joke. You know, ha-ha-ha. I was trying to be nice."

"Oh. Nice try."

(silence)

"Man, I hate this small talk, don't you. Why don't you tell me about one of your interesting thoughts or unusual experiences or something? You can even pretend I'm somebody tall if that will help."

"Well, here's an interesting thought. You're kind of an asshole, aren't you."

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...."

"You think that's funny?"

"No, but it is the first real thing you've said all night. No offense, but you shouldn't go around trying to impress people all the time. It's kind of phony."

"And you shouldn't go around being such an asshole all the time. It's a little too real."

(silence)

"You're right."

"What?"

"You're right. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm sorry I'm giving you such a rough time. I mean we don't even know each other."

"Look, you're just having a bad night, that's all. I understand. So, did you just break up with someone? I know I get really unsociable when that happens."

"No, not really."

"Not really? You don't know if you broke up with someone or not?"

"Well no...tell me, do you believe in love at first sight. You know, 'Some enchanted evening, you will see a stranger' and all that. Did anything like that ever happen to you?"

"I don't know. I guess so. Anything's possible."

"Well it doesn't happen to me. Not normally anyways."

"Uh-huh. Who was she?"

"What difference does it make. It's like someone dropped a load of bricks on my head, and then she was gone. Poof! Just like that, it was over before it started. Really screwed me up for some reason."

"So?"

"So nothing. Life goes on."

"Well I guess it can happen like that sometimes. Not to me, mind you. The guys I've been with have all been losers, you know. I was glad to see them go. Not that we didn't have fun, but for some reason I just can't ever find anyone normal. I always end up with these liars and control freaks. God, don't get me started."

"You ever been married?"

"No. How about you?"

"No. Seeing anyone?"

"Nothing serious. You?"

"Nah. You might find this hard to believe but a lot of people find me difficult to get along with."

"Sort of an asshole right?"

"Oh, come on. I'm not so..."

"I'm sorry. You're ok, and you're right - I shouldn't try to impress people all the time. I don't know why I do that."

"I don't know. You're kind of impressing me right now."

"I am?"

(silence)

"Hey, let's order up some dinner, ok."

"Sure. I'm starving."

"Hey waiter. I think we're ready."

Waiter: "Ok, what'll it be folks. Today's special is lemon pepper steak."

"What do you want? You still want the salad?"

"Yeah, I think I'll have the California salad. Is there any botox in that?"

Waiter: "Botox?"

"That was a joke. Ha-ha-ha..."

Waiter: "No botox, ma'am, but we can put a little collagen in the dressing if you'd like."

"No, that's ok. She'll have the California salad and I'll have the same. And waiter, how about a nice bottle of wine."

"Wine? (blech....)"

"Ok, skip the wine. How about a (beer?)".

"(ok)"

"Two California salads and a couple of bottles of beer. And leave the bottle caps."

I Used To Know A Guy Named Billy

"Hey you left the trunk open. Did you just get home?"

"No. There's some Ravioli on the stove if you're hungry."

"Why? Are you going out or something?"

"I just thought you might be hungry, that's all."

"Hey, what's with all the suitcases? Are you going somewhere?"

"What's it look like?"

"What do you mean 'what does it look like?', I asked you a question. What's with all the suitcases? Where the hell are you going?"

"I'm going away for a while. I need some time to...Look, the truth is it's just not working Billy. None of it. I've decided that I can't live like this any more, so... Look, I'm sorry, but please don't try to stop me. It won't do any good."

"You mean you're leaving me? Just like that? 'Oh hello Billy. There's some Ravioli on the stove and, by the way, we're through.' You can't just..."

"Please, don't start in with me. Not now. Anyways, don't tell me you didn't see it coming. You know as well as I do that..."

"Ok, so we've had our problems. We've always worked things out before, haven't we? Everybody has their ups and downs, it's normal. Look, you're upset, that's all. Why don't I make us a nice pot of tea and we can sit down and figure out what's wrong."

"No, you're not listening to me. I said I'm leaving you. A pot of tea? You think this is something you can fix with a pot of tea? What is wrong with you? Did you hear what I said? Don't you get it? It's over, Billy. We're finished."

"Just like that."

"Yeah, just like that. I should have done this years ago instead of waiting around and hoping you'd change, or that somehow you'd finally grow up and make something of yourself instead of us always just scraping by, or that you'd stop coming home drunk every night and expecting me to be there to understand and listen to you blame the world for all your troubles. I got news for you, it ain't the world Billy, it's you, and I'm sick of it. I'm so sick of it I want to just grab you by the throat and strangle you sometimes."

"Oh, so that's it. Look, we've been over this and over this. Sure I like to drink a little every now and then, but if it's bothering you I can stop. It's not a problem. I told you that but you..."

"It's not just the drinking. Not anymore. It's you Billy. When are you gonna stop giving up on yourself? When are you gonna start being a man, instead of just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. How do you think I feel living with a guy who's feeling miserable all the time? Look at me. I'm still young, I've still got time. I want to live, you know, have some fun, try new things. That's why I have to go. Can't you understand that?"

"But you're all I've got Mel. You can't leave me. I...I'd be lost without you. What...I can change. I mean you're right. You're absolutely right. It's time for me to grow up, that's all. Quit the drinking and maybe go back to school or something. I can change, Mel, honest I can. I know I've let you down but not this time. This time it's finally sunk in and I'm gonna be a new man. Maybe I can get a better job and we can buy us a little place somewhere. You know, like them ones we were looking at last summer. I can do this Mel, what do you say? Let's talk about this. Just give me another chance."

"No, Billy, we're all out of chances. Besides, it's too late for any of that now."

"Too late? Why?"

(there's a knock at the door and Billy looks up)

"Who's that?"

"It's probably my ride."

"You're ride? You're ride where?"

"C'mon in Smiley. The door's open."

"Smiley? What's he doing here?"

(Smiley walks in the door and grins at Billy)

"Hey, Billy, what's going on. Nice to see you conscious for a change. What happened? Was the liquor store closed today? Heh, heh, heh."

(Melanie turns to Smiley)

"I'm almost ready. You can start with those suitcases there."

"Sure thing. Did you give Billy the news?"

"Yeah, he knows."

(Billy looks at Melanie)

"Knows what?"

(Smiley walks up to Billy)

"Oh didn't she tell you. Melanie's gonna be staying over at my place for a while. Isn't that right, baby? Yeah, you see she's been telling me all about you. About how you and her ain't been getting along so good, and, well, you know Melanie and I have been getting along just fine, haven't we? So I figured if she needs a place to stay why doesn't she come over to my place for..."

(Billy grabs Smiley by the shirt but Melanie interrupts)

"Smiley, just grab those suitcases, ok? I'll be out there in a minute. Please, Smiley. Let me handle this."

"Ok, but I'll be out there by the car. If he tries anything you just start screaming."

(Smiley takes the suitcases and leaves)

"So that's how it is, huh? You and Smiley. How long has this been going on?"

"A couple of months, I guess."

"And you're gonna go live with him?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"You've been cheating on me, all this time, behind my back? And with that jackoff Smiley? You whore. You little..."

"Oh yeah? What's wrong with Smiley? He's strong, I like that in a man. You know what you're problem is Billy? You're weak, that's what you're problem is. You're always worrying about things and feeling sorry for people. Smiley's strong 'cause he don't give a shit, and I don't give a shit either. And if he up and leaves me for another woman, I won't give a shit about that either. I'm sick of worrying and feeling sorry for people. Especially you, Billy."

"Fine. You think I give a shit? Well I don't. Go off with Smiley. Be a whore, see if I care. He'll just use you like he uses everybody else. You'll see, and when he does don't come running back to me."

"Yeah right. Goodbye Billy."

"I mean it. Don't come here expecting me to take you back. You understand? I don't want you. I wouldn't have a whore like you."

(Melanie leaves)

"No good whore. Yeah, I'm glad you're gone. I wouldn't want you around anyways, whoring up the place. No good..."

(Billy starts to cry)

"Oh man oh man, I need a drink."