I'm Just Wild About Saffron

Well, I've just been gallivanting around, that's all. Not doing the things I should. Not bettering myself or making the world a better place to live. You know, just wasting my time, living the life of Riley, and not even bothering to check if I spelled "gallivanting" correctly.

Which reminds me. Did you see those kids on the National Spelling Bee? What was the point of all that? Was I supposed to be impressed by that? I watched that thing on TV and all I kept thinking was "Geez, don't these kids have computers? Don't they know how to use a spellchecker?" Well, apparently not, or why would they go to all the trouble of memorizing the dictionary. If you ask me, knowing how to spell some Latin medical term has nothing to do with wisdom or intellect or intelligence at all. It's just a bunch of rote memorization and scholastic drudgery, and completely pointless. Those poor kids. What future could they possibly have except as sorters and classifiers of data. They'll probably all end up as librarians or accountants or non-fiction writers or something. My God, is that what you want for your children?

(By the way, I'm a horrible speller)

But where was I...

Oh yeah, I was gallivanting around. You see, the thing is, I'm not being lazy. It's just that I got this new bike. You remember I've been riding around on that old GZ250 of mine? (You do? Why?) Well, I'd had the GZ for about a year, and I decided it was time for an upgrade. I know I said I was gallivanting, but what I've actually been doing is motorcycle shopping. A lot of motorcycle shopping, in fact.

Wait a minute, maybe I should back up a bit.

If you have been down to your motorcycle dealership lately, let me fill you in on what's been going on. As some of you may have heard, there's been this thing happening with the price of gasoline. Namely, it's been going through the roof - four bucks a gallon in most places, four-and-a-half bucks here in California. Of course, with prices like that you'd expect a lot of people to be scrambling for some other means of transportation. Some are looking at hybrids, some are looking at bicycles, and some, it turns out, are looking at motorcycles. Particularly the little ones that get 60-100 miles per gallon. So now dealers, who a year ago couldn't give away scooters and motorcycles, are finding their showrooms full of people and their inventory of little bikes all but depleted.

I went to one dealer up in Hayward and literally had to drive around the parking lot waiting for someone to leave before I could find a place to park. It was like the Saturday before Christmas. Sure, there are still plenty of people looking for a sportbike or cruiser, but it seemed like every salesman I talked to said the same thing - "we can't keep the scooters in stock", and just driving around town I'm noticing more and more people tooling around on their Vespas and Piaggios and Burgmans and whatever.

Man, it's great. I love it. Instead of guzzling gas in their SUV's, people are actually starting to discover the joy of motorcycling. They're getting out of their motorized living rooms and starting to enjoy a little sunshine and fresh air (okay, fresh air/exhaust fumes). I've been seeing what's happening and figured now would be a pretty good time to trade in my little GZ because, believe me, dealers want 'em. In fact, as I was driving out of the lot after I bought my new bike there were already two people talking to the salesman about buying the bike I just traded in an hour before. Damn, I should have put the thing on Craigslist and sold it for full price instead of trading it in, but then I hate dealing with crazy people who answer ads on Craigslist.

Anyway, it was a good time to trade in and I got a good deal and that's why I'm happily gallivanting around on my brand new, 2008 Suzuki Bumblebee. That's not the official title, mind you, but that's what people are calling them. The official moniker is a Suzuki Boulevard M50. The "Boulevard" part means it's a cruiser, the "M" means it's a so-called "muscle cruiser", the the "50" means it has a 50 cubic inch engine (around 800 cc). They call them Bumblebees because they're painted black and yellow and they look like...well, you know.

Well, not all the M50's are painted black and yellow. Most are painted either all black or black and silver, but I didn't want one of those. I wanted one of the Bumblebees, and when I walked into a showroom and saw they had one, that pretty much cinched the deal. It was pretty cool too because after I'd signed the papers a couple of other people walked in and saw my bike sitting in the showroom and started asking a lot of interested questions about it. Huh, sorry, too late. That bike is mine, sucka! One lady who was in there with her son saw them wheeling my bike out the door to get prepped and the strangest expression came over her face like "the hell with shopping for my son. I want to buy me one of those."

Ah, it was a great look. Made me feel good, you know, and when I drove it home I just kept getting the kinds of looks I never got when I was riding around on my GZ. A couple of guys on Harleys even gave me the little motorcyclist's wave when I passed by. That was really strange. I never had that happen before. I always got the impression that HD guys are a bit cliquish and tend to look down their noses at metrics, but maybe they just look down their noses at guys riding GZ's.

Either way, it was a proud ride home. Here's a picture of a Bumblebee so you can see what they look like, although I don't think it's a very good picture. It's not my Bumblebee. It's just a stock photo, but you get the idea. I know looks are subjective, but I like it, and so far it's proven to be quite an attention getter. Especially for a stock cruiser, and especially at this price level.

But how does it ride? I would say it's a big bike that rides "small", except that it's not really a "big" bike. It's strictly midrange with a nice little electronically fuel-injected, liquid cooled V twin that puts out about 45 horsepower and pushes it's 544 pound dry weight through a shaft-driven final drive. It's no sportbike, but it's got more than enough power to get me around town and up and down the freeway. I don't know it's top speed because I don't drive like a maniac, but 70-75 on the freeway comes solid and easy with lots of throttle left if I need it. Running through the curves or putt-putting around the parking lot feels light and nimble, yet it still has enough weight to feel steady in crosswinds and freeway turbulence. All in all, it's a nice midrange ride that may not win a stoplight drag race against a Hayabusa, but feels just about perfect for normal day-to-day riding or a Sunday cruise to the beach.

On the downside the seat sucks, but then I'm getting the impression that all stock motorcycle seats suck. Luckily, there are plenty of aftermarket options out there and I'll probably be looking into one of those. Other than that I've got no complaints. Pricewise, the M50 is about $300 more than the Harley Sportster 883XL, but when you compare features they are really pretty comparable. My bet is that if someone ever does a side-by-side comparison of the two, the M50 will come out on top, but who am I to say. All I want to do is fire up the engine and do some gallivanting.

See you later, sucka.

Class of Aught '08

Are you like me? Are you sitting around on a balmy June night and thinking about John Glenn? Yeah, it's strange how we're both thinking the same thing, isn't it? What do you remember about John Glenn? Hmmm..., really? Yeah, I remember that, but I was thinking about something else.

I was remembering being a little kid standing in the backyard looking up at the sky and hoping to see John Glenn as he passed over our house. You see, my dad told me that Glenn was in a spaceship that was circling around the earth, so naturally I thought I'd be able to just look up in the sky and see this big spaceship flying by. Unfortunately, it never happened. I stood there for about 5 minutes and when I didn't see anything I just figured that my dad didn't know what he was talking about (and not the last time I'd come to that conclusion, especially as I got older).

That all happened back in 1962, and for the 50%, 60%, or 70% of the current population that wasn't alive back then (I don't know the exact figure), turns out my dad was right and Glenn did orbit the earth a few times. Then, a few years later, we landed a man on the moon and all that other stuff you were probably taught back in grade school.

It was an exciting time, especially for us Americans, and there was this feeling in the air that the future was ours and there was nothing we couldn't do if we were determined to get it done. Now, for some reason, that feeling seems to have gone away. I'm not exactly sure where it went, but sometimes if feels like that America, the America that went to space, is gone forever.

But is it? Let me ask you. Do still feel that American technology is leading the world? Is that how most Americans feel, or do we look at European cars and Asian electronics and wonder why it is we can't build stuff like that? Do Americans really "buy American" because we think American technology is better, or rather out of a sense of duty.

Yep, we landed a man on the moon alright, yet the best we can do these days is build a phone with a built-in gps that can help us find the nearest Starbucks. It was our father's and our grandfather's who united the world, at least symbolically, by extending man's grasp and reaching out into space, and now it is our generation that has found a way to look really cool around the office or at the airport. Doesn't seem the same, does it?

Sure, we've got probes and shuttles and we're building a space station, but that's just adding to the accomplishments of the past - the ground that's already been broken. It' the new frontiers we seem unable to conquer and the new challenges we seem unable to meet. How does America respond to global warming and tight fuel supplies? Why, we pass a new tax on oil companies that's how. That'll solve the problem.

You know back in the sixties a President once asked us to "pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship." How different that is from the leaders of today who only ask "if we stick it to the oil companies will you vote for us in November?" That's the kind of bold vision we get now, and instead of Walter Cronkite giving us the latest news on America's space program, we get Katie Couric giving us the closing numbers from the stock exchanges and the latest housing news. Seems we've replaced the "building of things" with the "moving money of things", and, after all, isn't that really more about being clever than being good.

I'm going to my niece's high school graduation tonight, and I'm sure the speeches will go on and on and talk about how our children are our future, which kind of goes without saying if you ask me. What I'd be more interested in hearing is what these bright young grads are really thinking about as they look down from the stage at the people sitting in the audience? I think if they've got any sense at all they'll look at us, the so-called "boomer" generation, and think "what have you done with your lives that entitles you to give us, or anyone else for that matter, any advice about the anything. Sure, you've gotten fat and rich, but look at this country you're now turning over to us. Can you honestly say that it a better country now than the country your parents left to you?"

Well, yeah, in some ways it's much better, and in some ways it's a lot worse. All I can tell you kid is that we did what we could, but we let ourselves get down on ourselves and we left a lot undone. What can I say? We got busy and so wrapped up in our own little differences that we just sort of lost sight of the big picture. I know it's not fair, but you're just going to have to deal with that.

And that doesn't mean we still can't give advice. For example, if I were you I'd start by reforming the political system. No matter what there is that needs to get done, our experience has proved that nothing gets done when you have a dysfunctional government. It doesn't matter how vital or necessary the need for action, if responsibility can be shirked and blame placed on the other party then your government will rest proudly upon it's laurels. Maybe that's our fault for letting our focus become too partisan and narrow. Maybe we would have done better had we not elected so many ideologues and figureheads. The bottom line is that voter apathy eventually leads to Administrations and Congresses incapable of dealing with anything more complex than looking good on the evening news.

All I can say is what's done is done, and our generations legacy to you is a government of itself, by itself and for itself. If you can manage somehow to pick up the pieces and make it whole again, and if you succeed in nothing else, then your generation will have accomplished more than we. Other than that, my only other advice would be to just do what we did - live beyond your means, watch too much TV, drive your kids crazy, and most of all -

enjoy your new Iphones.

For A Change

After being ignored all these years, it looks like the chickens have finally come home to roost. Always too moderate to be "true" conservatives and too grounded to be "true" liberals, the independents will get to have their say in 2008, and not be forced to choose between a bible-thumping Republican or a matronly Democrat as we have in the past. This time, it seems like both sides may come a-courting.

I'm not sure why. It seems like the Democrats would have to shoot themselves in both feet, and both hands and all twenty fingers and toes as well, to lose the presidential election this time, but then these are. Maybe they need us because both of these candidates seem to at least have some passing acquaintance with the middle-of-the-road moderate types, and are each unwillingly to cede their vote to the other.

Being the independent type myself, I'm glad for their attention and happy that this election seems to promise some interesting changes. That's why I was watching the Obama speech last night, and I have to say he gave a hell of a speech. He's definitely got the gift of oratory and, you know, he kind of reminds me of those other two great Democratic orator presidents from Illinois - Stephen Douglas and William Jennings Bryan.

Problem is, despite all his speechifying, I'm never quite sure if Obama really understands the implications of all he's promising to deliver or if he's just playing us. For some reason I just kept thinking "if this guy hadn't decided to go into politics he would have made a great mortgage broker." You know, promising people that they could have the house of their dreams right now for no money down and low, low payments for the first 5 years. Yeah, sounds great, until your 5 years are up.

McCain, on the other hand, well...who knows. I always liked the antecampaign McCain, the fiscally responsible one who was strong on defense and sensible on immigration, but this new McCain sees to be drifting more and more towards that same old Republicanism that seems to be is such good favor around the country these days. If I were him I'd just run as myself, but then I never claimed to know anything about political campaigns. I guess the thing to do is solidify your base and then try to win the votes of independently minded people like me.

The unfortunate thing for McCain, of course, is that the surge in Iraq seems to be working - not spectacularly, mind you, but steadily in the right direction. You'd think that would be a good thing for both McCain and the country, but I don't think the country (and particularly the Democrats) really want the surge to work right now. At least it seems that way because the only time the Iraq War ever makes the news is when an American dies or somebody blows themselves up. The rest of the time the war is back there on page A33 next to the liposuction ads. For some reason only defeat and setback make the news. Success just seems to stick in our craw. It's almost like this war isn't even our war anyway. Nope, it's Bush's war, and we've got nothing to do with it. Hell, it'd probably serve Bush and Cheney and all those other warmongers right if we got the hell kicked out of us, and doesn't it just piss us off when things start to go right.

Funny how things can get turned around like that sometimes. Ever see The Bridge on the River Kwai?

Well, the war is a whole different topic and I don't want to get into it right now. All I'm saying is that either way the war is a no-win situation for McCain. If America makes some progress in Iraq, it's not news. If America suffers a reversal, then the headlines make him look blustering and misguided. Personally, I think foreign policy under McCain will look more like Bush I then Bush II, but that's neither here nor there because in the end reality will settle in and Obama foreign policy won't be much different either. I could be wrong of course. Obama is pretty liberal and if he's anything like the liberals we have around San Francisco then that would be something to worry about. I tell you what. If Obama's first acts as president are to disband the military, raise tariffs and turn the Pentagon into a big homeless shelter, then we'll know just how liberal he really is.

(then everyone around the world will join hands and sing folk songs and form a giant human chain for peace)

Anyway, did you catch that reference to education in the Obama speech. I think it went something like "more money." Now wasn't it just yesterday that we got some report telling us that America ranks number 2 in the world in per pupil eduction spending? Was I just dreaming that? No, it was the 2003 Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development study that found that although America trails only South Korea among the industrialized nations in per pupil education spending, it continues to decline and rank near the middle in student performance. Remember that report? The one that the education establishment dismissed as flawed for failing to take into account America's diverse student population (it must be all those Asian immigrants who are dragging America's ranking down)?

Yeah, you remember it because it got a lot of people wondering why it is we spend all this money on schools for such meager results. In a way it's kind of what the whole "No Child Left Behind" movement was all about. That is, instead of just shoveling more money into our schools, why not ask them to be accountable in some way for the results they achieve? If I understand Obama correctly, we're going to scrap that idea and just start dealing out the dough.

If I were going to ask Obama a question then I'd ask him what he thinks of merit pay for teachers. I know what his response would be. He'd be opposed to it. Why? Because the teacher's unions are opposed to it, that's why. The idea that good teachers should be paid more than bad ones is anathema to teachers. Their position has always been that it's unfair to punish teachers if their students aren't learning to read and write and do math. It's a thankless job and all teachers should be paid more, regardless if they are any good or not.

To their credit, the teacher's unions have been very effective in getting parents and the public to buy into this concept, and you don't have to look very hard to see the results. You ever hear parent's talk about teachers? Why it's a wonder that the Pope doesn't canonize the whole lot of them when you hear parents talk about them. "Why Mrs. Jones is so wonderful and dedicated and committed and selfless and never receives any thanks from anyone for all the sacrifices she makes. My little Suzie just loves her and has learned so much, and I don't mind a bit that she's still reading at 4 years below grade level." Well, instead of putting them on pedestals maybe some parents should start being a little more critical and demanding. Sure, there are lots of good teachers. I was a student once, you know, and I had some good teachers, and some real clunkers too. So why not reward the good ones and get rid of the bad? Why shouldn't teachers be accountable to the taxpayers for their job performance? How do you feel about merit pay for teachers, Obama? That's what I'd like to know.

And my question for McCain? Why not universal health coverage? Why not join the rest of the advanced nations of the world and declare health care a basic human right? No, just don't dismiss it as "big government". That doesn't answer the question. What do you do if a major illness strikes and you don't have insurance or your insurance isn't adequate to cover the expenses or if the insurance company declines coverage? What do you do if you can't pay for that expensive operation or if your insurance company won't pay for it? Are you supposed to be comforted by the knowledge that somewhere there are shareholders who can take comfort knowing their United Healthcare dividend is safe? Tell me Senator McCain, why is universal healthcare really so awful?

Questions, questions...sure voting's easy when all you have to know is the red from the blue, but we independents have some questions.

Leafless Desert of the Mind

It's all about celebrity, isn't it? Politics, I mean. This whole idea that people evaluate the candidate's stand on the issues before making their decision is a lot of bunk, if you ask me. I don't even buy the notion that it's the media's fault for obsessing over the "horse race" to the detriment of the voter's "need to know". More bunk. If voters cared about issues then that's what the news broadcasts and newspapers would cover.

People care about celebrities - film celebrities, music celebrities, sports celebrities, and even political celebrities. We want to know is who's hot and who's not, hence the horse race that people complain about. Yeah I know, what other earth-shattering revelations have I got for you tonight.

Well, the only reason I'm broaching the topic is precisely because of all this issues stuff - you know, health care, taxes, gasoline, the War - what the younger generation would call "boring, old-people" news. That's what they call it - I heard it on a podcast. According to the guy on the podcast, what the youth of today wants is "fun" news, which, when you think about it, is really all that anybody wants from their news reports, isn't it? The youth of today is no different than anyone else in that regard, just more honest.

Think about it. What made JFK so special? He was fun. Ronald Reagan? Always cracking with the jokes. Richard Nixon? Well, he was just no fun at all. So with that in mind, I thought I'd turn my attention to our current candidates and ask the question I'm sure is on everybody's mind -

"If life was an opera, what operatic character would our candidates be?"

Great question, and lucky for you I've got a few ideas. First let's look at John McCain. Although the Democrats would probably cast him as Mephistopheles, I think that's going a bit far. Dick Cheney, maybe, but not John McCain. McCain is more like Don Carlo, I think. A bravado character, full of loyalty, brotherhood and gusto, a "man's man" with a strong sense of righteousness. That sounds more like McCain, although the part about being in love with his stepmother is probably a stretch. Other than that though, I'd say McCain is definitely the Don Carlo type. Dio, che nell'alma infondere!

Okay, how about Obama? Well, that seems pretty obvious. The callow youth who turns away from evil and returns with the holy spear to heal our nation's wounds and bring redemption and salvation to a destitute and forlorn. Obama is Parsifal, my friends, come back to us to reveal the grail and restore all hope and purpose. The prophets told us of his coming, and now the prophecy's come true. Yes indeed, and this is the decision we must make. Will we choose the strength of Don Carlo, or the innocent virtue of Parsifal? Well, I don't want to spoil the election but if you've seen the operas then you know who became king, and who was summoned to the tomb. Geez, let's hope the drama doesn't get that intense.

But enough politics. We haven't even had the conventions yet and I'm already sick of this election. Can you believe they've been campaigning since last year and it's still going on? It's worse than the Academy Awards.

Well, anyway, not to change the subject but I was watching the TV the other night and they've got this show on called Nature. I don't know if you've seen it. It's one of those wildlife shows, you know, with the pretty sunsets and the telescopic slo-mo's of animals bonding and frolicking in their struggle for survival out in the great untamed wilderness.

I'll admit I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff, and this particular show was called "What does the female want?", the premise being that by studying the mating rituals of the animal world we can come to a better understanding of our own natures. At least I think that's what the premise was, and it all seemed more than a little bit ridiculous to me. Think about it. Is there a single human on this planet who can relate to a concept like that? Of course not, and these biologists and zoologists are fools if they think we can. The important question for the human species, and trust me on this all of you scientist people, has never been what does the female want, but rather what will the female settle for. If the male human spent all his energy self-consciously trying to be everything that the female human wants him to be, there would be nothing but a bunch of desperate, defeated males and hopelessly disappointed females left to carry on the species. Then again, that does kind of sound like some marriages I've seen.

So, like I said, I'm watching this show and there's some lady putting a stuffed female wood grouse on a little train and wheeling it in front of a male wood grouse to see what the male will do, and the male wood grouse starts calling and strutting because he's hard up and doesn't know the female wood grouse is a fake. When I saw that I just thought "So what?. What is that supposed to teach us?" I mean, if you bought an inflatable human female doll and put it in front of a lovesick human male, you'd get pretty much the same result, wouldn't you? Well he might not buy it a drink or ask it to dance, but he might try to mate with it.

Anyway, the whole show was like this, and it was late and I started to nod off, and then suddenly I woke up and looked at the TV and found myself looking at a video of two spiders, well, you know...you know. I mean they were doing it right there on my TV, and I'm thinking "Is this what I've been reduced to? Is this what we've all been reduced to? We've split the atom, we've mapped the genome, we've walked upon the surface of the moon, and now we have nothing better to do with our science that watch a couple of spiders exchange genes?"

People, what is wrong with us? That's what I'm trying to say. Is there nothing left to ponder? Are we so sophisticated and advanced that the universe lost it's wonder? Are our celebrities all we have left to inspire and excite us? Do they alone matter, because without them all we can do is sit around and watch spiders ----? \\

The keenest pangs the wretched find
Are rapture to the dreary void,
The leafless desert of the mind,
The waste of feelings unemployed.

-Byron

Opus 1 No. 2

Have you ever gotten a song in your head that you just can't get rid of? All day yesterday I kept hearing this old Neil Young song rattling around my brain, so instead of letting it drive me crazy I decided to sit down at my computer and record it instead. For those of you keeping score, this is now exactly my second computer music project, and although the bar was set pretty low by the first one, I think little by little I'm getting the hang of it.

Like I said it's an old Neil Young song, and I even recorded some vocals. Unfortunately they're my vocals. It's a shame, too, because except for my off-key warble it's not that bad of a mix. However, if I may plead my case, let me just say that anyone who's ever heard Neil Young sing shouldn't be so quick to judge. How much worse could my singing be than Neil Young's? Take a listen and you'll find out.

The mix itself is a whopping 9 tracks and I created eight of them myself, the exception being the ocean waves track that I pilfered from Garageband's built-in library. Other than that there are 3 keyboard tracks, 3 guitar tracks, 1 vocal track and 1 drum track. Once again the drum track was a big headache, and I now understand why so many internet drummers farm-out their work to people willing to pay to get their mixes right. Believe me, the beginner soon learns that nothing will ruin a mix faster than bad drums. Take a listen and you'll find out.

So there you have it. I'm not posting this to prove what a great musical genius I am. Rather, I post it as a public service to those of you who would like to try to record your own music but feel intimidated by some of the really good stuff that others are doing. After just one listen to this song I'm sure you'll soon rest easy and think to yourself "Geez, I can come up with something better than that piece of crap."

And indeed you can. The song is called Midnight On The Bay and Neil Young released it at least 25 or 30 years ago. I apologize for the vocals but that David Cook guy was busy doing American Idol, so I had to step in.




Midnight On The Bay

He's a One Man Band

Yes. After much fiddling around I finally managed to accomplish something with Garageband. That's the music software that ships with the Apple Macintosh, and yeah, I know, it's so easy anyone can use it, but let me remind you of a couple of things: First, I'm an old guy and I've never used a sequencer before, and second, I put my guitar down for about 25 years before picking it up again a couple of years ago and I'm still a little rusty. So cut me some slack dude, and quit harshing my buzz.

Anyway, the file is down below, and frankly it sucks. That said, I created all four of the tracks myself, so I'm feeling pretty proud of it. There's a rhythm guitar track (that was easy), there's a keyboard part (nothing fancy so that was easy too), a drum part (that was impossible. I had to turn the mix down real low on that one), and finally a screeching lead guitar part that I must apologize for. I guess I was so concerned that I had the other three parts right that I sort of let that one get away from me.

But there it is. It definitely needs tightening and some vocals, but it's my firstborn and I wanted to share it with the world, even if it is a little premature. As long as you don't expect too much and are cool with the fact that I really put the "ham" in "hamateur" on this one, you just might be able to sit through it. Either way, I don't care. I'm just so stoked on this whole home studio revolution that I can't wait to try out all kinds of new things.

The song is the classic Elmore James tune "Stormy Monday", but there are no vocals so you'd never know it. Like I said, I'm gonna try to add some vocals and redo the lead guitar so it's not running all over the place, and then maybe I'll have somethng really worth uploading. Until then, here goes...


Story Monday Jam


They call it stormy Monday, but Tuesday's just as bad
They call it stormy Monday, but Tuesday's just as bad
And Lord Wednesday's wasted, Thursday's all so sad.


The eagle flies on Friday, and Saturday I go out to play
The eagle flies on Friday, and Saturday I go out to play
On Sunday's I go to church, and I kneel down to pray


Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy on me
Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy on me
I've been trying, trying to find my baby, won't somebody send her home to me

Attack of the Pinnipeds

In keeping with the local tourist theme, here are some pics from my trip to see the elephant seals at Ano Nuevo State Park. I bring you the sights, the sounds, but thankfully not the smells. Should you go? Well, if the sight of blubber on the beach flips your switch, then go for it.


The California coast and wildflowers as seen from Ano Nuevo



When they're not lying around, elephant seals like to fight. Here are two males getting it on.




With cuties like this around, it's no wonder that the boys have got their dander up. Those lips, those eyes - she's the belle of the beach.



Tragedy strikes. A dead pup lies belly up in the sand.



Look real hard and you'll see a lone seal has staked a claim to this part of the beach - far, far from the madding crowd.




Boys! Boys! All this fighting. You're acting like a bunch of Democrats.






But fighting's not for this little guy. Ahhhhh...he's so cute.




Finally, a couple of videos. They were right side up when I uploaded them, but for some reason Youtube turned them on their side. Well, you get the idea.

I Think I'm Paranoid

Just when everyone was ready to write off the consumer, we come through again. No matter how high gas prices go or how low home prices sink, Americans just want to go shopping. At least that's what the numbers say, and we all know the numbers never lie.

The numbers were brought home to me the other day when I went for a ride through the tony town of Woodside, California. Woodside is a small town up in the redwoods and is home to many of valley's well-to-do, like Gordon Moore and Larry Ellison as well as Michelle Pfeiffer, Neil Young and others. So here we are with gas predicted to reach $5.00 or more per gallon, and yet judging by the number of SUV's on the road you'd never know that gas prices were putting a dent in anyone's wallet up in Woodside. The local gas station had regular on sale for $4.15 per gallon, which had to put the price of a filling up one of those behemoths somewhere north of $100.00 per tankful, yet no one seemed distressed at all. In fact, riding through town felt like riding in the middle of the Russian May Day parade with all the tanks and heavy armor rolling down the street.

Which just goes to prove the point that the price of gas really only affects the poor and middle class. The rich could care less, and if it were practical to take a Lear jet from their front door to the grocery store I'm sure they'd do it, and not think twice about the waste. I guess that's the whole point of being rich, isn't it? You get to tell the whole world to piss off, and there's nothing they can do about it.

So anyway, I'm at this coffee shop called Peet's (you probably have them where you live) and I'm sipping a cappucino and just sort of browsing around the store, when I see this thing called a "double wall tea infuser". So naturally I think to myself "what the hell is a double wall tea infuser?", but instead of asking someone I just opened the box and took a look inside. You know what? It turns out a double wall tea infuser is nothing more than a glass cup with a little basket inside.

Now back in the old days we had these little tea baskets too, only we called them "strainers", and you could pick one up for about 50 cents at the local five and dime. But now, as if to prove the point that people wll buy anything as long as it's "scientific", Peet's is taking a cup and a strainer, repackaging them as "double walled tea infuser's" and selling them to poor unsuspecting suckers for 30 bucks a pop.

Geez, why didn't I think of that?

Of course they're not selling them to suckers, they're selling them to all of those tea gourmet's out there, and I'm sure these people will passionately insist that to make a really proper cup of tea you simply must use a high quality infuser. In fact, I bet some of these people look down their noses at Peet's double walled tea infusers and insist that "authentic" infusers come from England or Italy or something like that, and have to be imported and cost hundreds of dollars. I bet there are people like that. I bet you've met people like that. They live in places like Woodside and drive SUV"s.

Well, all I can say to those people is that I grew up in a Japanese household and probably a day never went by that my Japanese mother didn't make at least one pot of tea, and in all that time I don't ever remember her once asking me to go to the cupboard and fetch her a tea infuser. When mom made tea it was a very simple process. She took some tea leaves out of the can and put them in the teapot, poured in some boiling water, let it steep for about 5 minutes or so, and then poured it into a cup. I swear, as God is my witness, there was no infusion involved.

And after all, what's the big deal? It's just tea. I drank the stuff all the time when I was growing up and it's really no big deal. You find a way to make it the way you like it and that's about all there is to tea. It's not that complicated, people. But of course nowdays everyone has to take things so seriously and be so scientific about everything. They have to buy tea books and take tea classes and learn about all the different tea varieties and have tea tastings and take tea notes and subscribe to tea magazines and then, I don't know, write a thesis or pass a tea test or something.

Ah, the world makes me crazy sometimes. It's just tea. You don't need "double walled tea infusers". Sheesh, what's next?

How about this. In San Jose there used to be a bowling alley called Fiesta Lanes. It was down on San Carlos Street and was in a shopping center next to one of the cities older suburuban neighborhoods. Well, as luck would have it there came a day when bowling wasn't as popular as it used to be, and a few years ago Fiesta Lanes shut down. The city was left with an empty lot and a derelict old building, and needed to find something to fill the space.

Not a problem because at that time the city (and the entire country) found itself in the middle of a wildly speculative real estate boom, and so it was decided to develop the property and build some high density housing on the site, with the stipulation that some of the housing units be set aside as BMR (below market rate) properties. The developer agreed and soon the construction began.

Seems perfectly reasonable so far, except for one thing: they forgot to ask the neighbors. Right from the beginning the project was beset by complaints from neighboring homeowners concerned about the noise created by the construction and the congestion that would result from building a high density project in their backyard, so to speak. Finally, last week things really came to a head when the developer sent letters to some of the neighbors informing them that, according to a recently completed survey, their properties were encroaching onto the developer's lands, some by as much as ten feet.

Well, the story made it into the local paper, and the only reason I'm mentioning it here tonight is because of what the locals said to the reporter who went out to get community reaction for his article. Sure, they were upset that the developer was threatening to tear down fences and take some of their property, but what really incensed people about the whole project was the "ghettoization of their neighborhood."

Remember those BMR units that the developer agreed to provide? Well, it seems the neighbors are afraid that BMR means that the wrong element (latinos, probably) would be moving into their neighborhood and bringing the criminal element with them. That's not surprising. Let's face it, there's a reason why cities build low income housing projects next to the freeway or the railyards and not in Malibu or Central Park West. It's called NIMBY.

The funny thing, though, wasn't the worried neighbors. It was finding out what qualifies as BMR in Silicon Valley. Mind you, out here a million dollar house is considered a fixer-upper and homebuyers don't think twice about writing a check to pay for that 5 or 6 million dollar home up in the hills, but when I found out that the BMR's that the developer was building would be selling for $500k, I had to shake my head and do a double-take. Only in Silicon Valley would a half of a million dollars to buy you a "ghetto" unit. Can you just imagine how destitute the poor unfortunates must be who can only manage 500 grand for a roof over their heads? And the children, the children...

All I can say is if you're planning to move out here, and it seems like plenty of people are, you better bring water (drought), insurance (earthquake, fire, flood), and lots and lots of cash.

Oh, and your SUV, of course.

Meet John Doe

As awful as it was to see Eight Bells break her ankles at the Kentucky Derby and then have to be euthanized right there on the track, I think the audience can at least take some comfort in knowing that things didn't turn out all bad for the young philly - at least she will be spared the agony of another month of Democratic primaries. Praise thee our Lord, thou art a most merciful God.

Not that I mean to demean the political process, mind you - the debating of issues, the arguing of positions, the constant probing of character - each candidate standing before the American people and presenting the qualities that prove their worthiness to command the ship of government. Democracy is truly a remarkable thing. However, enough is enough. After months and months of probing and all the "he said, she said", is there really anything left to say that hasn't been said already?

What's really frightening, though, and what I simply cannot understand is that even after all this time there are still some Democratic voters who are undecided. Can you believe that? Day after day, week after week, month after month, and you're still undecided? Do you really think that there is stilll something we don't know about these candidates that is going to tip your vote one way or the other? Personally, I think anyone who's still undecided after a year and a half of campaigning should be disqualified from voting. Period.

"Pardon me, are you a registered Democrat?"

"Yes I am."

"Are you planning to vote in the upcoming primary?"

"Yes I am."

"Great. Do you mind if I ask which candidate do you intend to vote for?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I'm still undecided."

"YOUR WHAT! After all this time? What the hell could you possibly not know about these candidates that hasn't been gone over at least a hundred times before?"

"Well, I'd like to hear their positions on inner city weed whacking and Burundian prison reform. The media's just been ignoring those issues."

"Really? You think the media hasn't reported just about every nuance and facet of these campaings till you're sick of hearing about it? Till you want to tear out your hair and scream? Till you want to grab some reporter by the throat and say 'can we just get on to the election already'?"

"You know I think they'd both make a good President, but..I don't know. I like Clinton, but then I like Obama too."

"You can't decide?"

"I don't know. I think I can decide."

"Ok, that does it. I'm gonna have to revoke your voting priveleges. A year and half and you still can't decide? That's unacceptable. Come with me, please. Did you bring a coat?"

"You know I wasn't sure if I should bring a coat today or not. I was wondering 'Is it going to be too hot for a coat, or if I don't bring one will it be too cold? Should I even bother coming down here today or should I just watch the election on TV? If I do come down here and bring a coat will I be sorry I did? Should I just wait at home to see what the weather's like and then decide if I should bring a coat or not? And if I wait at home then shouldn't I just watch it on TV and not worry about whether to bring a coat or not. Or maybe, if I don't have a coat and it's too cold then could I then go back home and watch it on TV? Would it better to bring a sweater instead? That way it wouldn't be heavy like a coat if it's too hot, but still enough to keep me warm if it's too cold. And if I stay home I could still wear a sweater in the house and that way if it's too cold I won't have to run the furnace but if it's too hot I...'"

"I swear to God. If you don't stop right now I'm going to put down this microphone and beat you up."

"What (hmmph)?"

"People like you have no business in the voting booth. You hear me? We've been at it for 15 months and you still can't make up your mind? That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. That's it. I'm having you removed from the voting rolls. The American people can only wait so long for people like you to get a clue, and then it's time to move on. I know that's sounds harsh, but unless someone comes to a decision around here this election will never end."

"I can make up my mind, I just need more time, that's all."

"No. No more time. Time's up. Who's it gonna be?"

"Can't we have just one more debate?"

"No. No more debates."

"Isn't there any more dirt we can dig up? Have we checked out all the friends and family members?"

"No. No more dirt. Decide."

"Uh...um...er...oh, I can't. I can't. It's not fair. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings."

"In politics there are always going to be losers. Now decide."

"I can't. I can't I tell you. You decide for me."

"I can't decide for you. You're the one who has to mark the ballot."

"Well, who does everyone else like?"

"Right now it looks like Obama's in the lead."

"Ok, then I'll do that, I guess. He's going to win anyways, right?"

"So that's it. You're no longer undecided?"

"No. I'll vote for Obama."

"Great. The voting booth is right over there."

"Oh, do I have to vote right now? Can't I go later?"

"No, you have to vote right now."

"But what if I vote for Obama and then decide I really like Clinton better. Shouldn't I wait until I..."

"Hey Tom. You mind coming over here a moment and holding this microphone for me."

Just Kickin' It

They want four bucks a gallon for gas, the security lines at the airport are moving slower and slower, the planes are all full of passengers and running late, and the trains...the trains? Sorry, I live in California, and we don't do trains. I really admire all of you road warriors out there, but I don't need the hassle and I can't afford the gas, so the only thing left to do is go local.

Luckily, there are lots of local sites to see out where I live. You know, beaches, redwoods, mountains, theaters and restaurants and all that. Today I decided to play local tourist and put up a quick little post, but instead of writing about the major attractions I decided I'd focus on a couple of local ones instead. So, I packed my little cameraphone in my pocket and off I went.

The first stop was the local gas station for a couple of gallons of gas and away I went up Mt. Hamilton Road. Mt. Hamilton is just east of the Silicon Valley and rises to a majestic height of 4,000 feet or so above the valley floor. To get there you take the only road going east, that being the aptly named Mt. Hamilton Road. The road is one of the last remaining links to the Valley's rural past and was originally built back in the 1870's by the County of Santa Clara for one specific purpose - to provide a means for James Lick to reach the top of the mountain where he could build his famous observatory. The road was finished and the observatory built, and ever since then the "chrome domes" have perched ominously atop the distant mountain.

It's approximately 30 miles from downtown San Jose to the Lick Observatory, but the drive is very demanding. Mt. Hamilton Road was originally built for horses and wagons, not automobiles, and careful drivers can plan on about a 2 hour drive to the top (although a raucous carful of drunken teenagers can usually make it in about 45 minutes, but that's a topic for another day). A more popular way to make it to the top is by bicycle, and on weekends it might be fair to say if that the cyclists outnumber the automobiles on Mt. Hamilton Road. Be forewarned, however, it's a narrow road and drivers need to keep an attentive eye out for cyclists, although their dorky looking cycling costumes make them pretty easy to spot.

I didn't take car or bike but rode my motorcycle up the mountain. As it turns out, this is probably not the best way to travel this road. There are parts where the road is open with the kind of swooping curves that bikers love, but for the most part the road is full of potholes and blind curves and tight, tight switchbacks. My bike is pretty nimble and light, and I can't imagine slugging it out through those switchbacks on some 700 pound hog. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then just walk out to some biker bar and ask one of the hairy gents with the prison tats stenciled on his head if you can borrow his Harley for a while. If he agrees then get on the bike and go out in the parking lot and do nothing but tight, low speed U-turns for about 45 minutes. That's the kind of fun you'd be having trying to slog your way up those switchbacks on a Harley.

Anyway, at the top of the Mountain sits the observatory. In total there are about 9 or 10 telescopes up there, but the Lick's claim to fame are the original 36 inch refractor and the 120 reflector. The public can view both telescopes, but the only one the public can actually look through is the 36 inch refractor, and then only during special public viewings.

I've been up to see the refractor around 4 or 5 times during my life, and actually looked through it once when I was a very young child. Even though it's nearly 150 year old, it's still an impressive piece of equipment. The telescope itself weighs in at around 7 tons, with an added 7 ton counterweight. Even at this enormous size, however, the telescope is so perfectly balanced that it can easily be maneuvered by hand.

Once you've seen the telescopes and visited the gift shop and taken in some of the views, then there's not much to do but come back down mountain. Along the way you'll pass Grant Ranch Park which has some of the best hiking and mountain biking trails in the valley, so bring your hiking boots if you feel up to the challenge. Another warning: Grant Ranch gets very hot and dusty during the summer, so bring lots and lots of water and try to hit the trails early in the morning.

When I got back to the valley I decided to take a little ride out to one of my favorite valley spots. For those of you who don't remember (or don't care), back in the sixties and seventies the City of Santa Clara had one of the most prestigious swimming clubs in the country, called, oddly enough, the Santa Clara Swim Club, which, in it's heyday, boasted probably the two most famous swimmers in the country - Donna de Varona and Mark Spitz.

The swim club is still very much alive, although not so much in the limelight as in it's former days. It sits rather nondescriptly behind the City Library, and other than the plaques on the wall and two very prominent pictures of De Varona and Spitz in the main entrance area, seems to make very little fuss about it's illustrious past. In fact it would be hard to call it a real tourist destination; it's really nothing more than a point of interest.

Still, back when I used to live out around there I used to love to walk over to the pool and think of all the Olympic history that got it's start right there. In fact I remember one afternoon I walked over and got to see Janet Evans swim an event. She didn't swim for the club, but she was there with the Stanford Swimming Team swimming some sort of mete. It was amazing. I didn't have to pay any admission fee or anything like that. I just took a seat in the bleachers and watched a world record holder and multiple olympic gold medalist swim a few races. Don't you wish sports was still like that?

That's my post.

Publish Or Die

Hello, and welcome to today's blog. You're really in for a treat this time because, after many phone calls and much intense negotiation, I'm really excited to announce that I'll be bringing you a live interview with presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain. Yes, you heard me right - a 'live" interview with Senator McCain, with the emphasis on "live". That's the trend these days, you know - blogging live while the event is taking place. It introduces a whole new dynamic to blogging because with live, as-it-happens blogging, the fact that I'm here blogging about something is now just as newsworthy as the event itself. At last the writer is of equal importance to the subject being written about, or, dare I say, maybe even more important? God, I love this modern age.

Anyway, I've got my MacBook and I'm now making my way to Senator McCain's hotel suite. Come along with me as I blog it "live".

That must be his room up there. I'll have to put down my computer for a moment as I make my way through security.

...

There, that was easy. Now, I'll just check in with the receptionist and let the Senator know I'm here.

"Hello, I'm here to see Senator McCain."

"Do you have an appointment?"

"Yes, it's Myers. M-Y-E-R-S."

"Mr. Meyers, hmm...."

"No, Myers. m-Y-e-r-s."

"Of course. Mr. Myers."

"Yes, that's right."

"What organization are you with?"

"I'm a blogger. An independent voice for truth."

"Yes, one moment please."

(She's calling someone on the phone. Probably wants to verify my credentials.)

"Mr. Myers?"

"Yes?"

"I'm terribly sorry but the Senator is currently taking a nap. He won't be giving any interviews this afternoon."

"What?"

"I'm terribly sorry."

"He can't do that. I had an appointment. It took me two weeks to set this up. I'm blogging this live to the internet! What do you mean he's taking a nap?"

"The Senator has a very busy schedule. Perhaps..."

"Uh-uh. No way. You can't blow me off like that. Don't you know who I am? I'm the PRESS! The fourth estate. The voice of the people. You can't just turn me away and say you're sorry."

"Mr. Myers..."

"Do you know the kind of power I have? You're making a serious mistake here Ms. what's-your-name. A very serious mistake."

"Please, Mr. Myers. Hold your voice down. The Senator is trying to ..."

(A door is opening and now a tall, impeccably groomed man enters the room)

"Susan, what's going on out here?"

"This man says he has an interview with the Senator and I tried to explain to him that the Senator is not granting any interviews today."

(The man is turning and giving me his most genuine fake smile. Now he's holding out his hand and offering me a handshake. I compose myself and shake his hand)

"I'm Doug Peters, Senator McCain's assistant. Is there something I can help you with?"

"I had an appointment and now I'm being told that the Senator won't see me. It took me a long time to set this up and I..."

"I understand. Unfortunately Senator McCain has had a very busy day and a long night ahead and needs to get some rest right now. I'm really sorry about that, but if you call his office tomorrow morning I'm sure he'll be happy to reschedule for sometime next week."

"Next week? Reschedule? I can't reschedule. I'm blogging this live to the internet. Right now as we speak there are hundreds of millions of anxious voters eager to hear the Senator's positions on the important issues of the day. You can't reschedule that."

"Please, sir, calm down."

"No, you calm down."

"I'm always calm, Mr. Myers. I'm always calm, composed, and polite and I never perspire."

"Never?"

"Never."

"That's so smooth. I've never met anyone as smooth as you before."

"Thank you. Now, if you call the Senator's office tomorrow then..."

"No, I'm not calling anyone. I don't know who you think you're dealing with but I'll have you know that I'm a member of the press. You can't just sweep me under the rug and think that'll be the end of it."

"Are you making a threat, Mr. Myers?"

"No threat. Let's just say I have certain information. Certain information that if it were to be made public might prove rather embarrasing to the Senator."

"Oh, so now you're Walter Winchell or something, is that how it is? Please, don't insult the Senator's intelligence. This isn't 1953, Mr. Myers. It's 2008. If there were any damaging stories out there then you and I know that they'd be all over the internet by now. There are no secrets anymore, and no pretense of civility either, so let's stop playing games, shall we?"

(Damn, he's calling my bluff. This guy is so smooth)

"I have pictures."

"What kind of pictures?"

"High resolution pictures. No fakes."

"And just what's on these pictures?"

"Tell you what. Just check my blog later tonight and you can see for yourself. So long. It's been nice talking to you."

(He's hesitating. Ha, I finally managed to put a scratch in that glossy finish of his.)

"Wait right here."

"Is there a problem?"

(He's going back in the other room. Yeah, the good ol' pictures trick got him. I don't have any pictures, of course, but let's face it, everyone's done something they'd be embarrassed for anyone else to see. Even if there's a perfectly innocent explanation, no one wants to have it show up in pictures. Let that be a lesson to all of you budding young bloggers out there. Uh-oh, he's coming back)

"The Senator will see you, but you only have five minutes. Do we have a deal?"

"Sure. I don't want upset the Senator's schedule."

"Good. Come this way please."

(Alright, I'm finally going to get my interview, and it's going to be live on the internet. This is so cool. I just hope I don't get too famous when the buzz starts making the the rounds. My privacy is very important to me.)

"Have a seat. The Senator will be right with you."

(Hmm...nice place he's staying at. I wonder if we're paying for it or if the Senator's paying out of his own pocket for digs like these. Yeah right. Just bill it to the taxpayer's and have room service send up another bottle of champagne. Speak of the devil, here comes the Senator himself. He looks older without all of his television makeup.)

"Good afternoon Senator McCain. Thank you for seeing me."

"My pleasure Ms. Couric."

"Huh?"

"How are things at CBS?"

(Mr. Smooth interrupts)

"Senator McCain. This gentleman isn't with CBS."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was taking a nap and I'm afraid I'm still a little groggy."

"No problem", I say.

"Well then, which organization are you with, Mr., er,..."

"Myers, Senator, and I'm not with an organization. I'm a blogger, an independent voice of truth."

"Oh, I see."

"In fact I'm blogging this live over the internet as we speak."

"Is that so? I've never heard of live blogging before. This should be interesting."

"Shall we get started?"

"Yes, please."

"Senator McCain, you announced your new health plan today, saying that by increasing competition between health insurers we would make health coverage more affordable for all Americans. How so?"

"It's a simple fact that competition leads to lower prices. Under our current employer sponsered system, health insurers have little incentive to compete since employees are locked into using just one or perhaps two health insurers. Under my plan, we would do away with employer sponsored health plans and move to a more open marketplace where health insurers would be forced to compete with one another over who could offer the best coverage at the lowest prices."

"Your critics have said that your plan would, in effect, have the opposite effect. They say that health insurers would not compete for the most customers, but would instead only compete for the youngest and healthiest customers, leaving the sickest Americans with no coverage and no choices at all. How do you respond to that?"

"America has the finest health care in the world. What my opponents are proposing would be nothing more than a government health plan where the government makes health decisions, and not families."

(Oh brother, here we go. It's the oldest trick in the book. Instead of answering the question I asked he's answering the question that he thinks will work to his best advantage, and hoping that no one notices the difference. Well, I'm not just some rookie blogger and I'm certainly not going to let him get away with that.)

"You didn't answer my question Senator. Quit trying to change the subject."

"I certainly did answer the question, and I think the American people are with me on this. Do we want a government health plan? Do we want some bureaucrat in Washington making vital decisions for us, or should consult with our own doctors and make the decisions that are best for us? Under my health plan families and doctors would make those decisions, and not the government."

(Arrgh...he did it again.)

"Senator, your critics have said that your health plan is really no different than what we have now. In other words, it's a great plan as long as you're not unemployed, uninsured, or sick. If your young and healthy and don't need a health plan then it's great, otherwise you're in trouble because the health insurers don't want to have anything to do with you. What would you say to those critics and to those Americans with chronic, pre-existing conditions who are shut out of the current health care system? Under a universal health plan those people would be covered, but under your plan they'd be screwed. How can you justify a health care system that doesn't take care of the sick?"

(Ha, let's see him squirm his way out of that one)

"Of course we can always make adjustments to help those who cannot get health insurance, but we must also consider the cost. Competition is the only proven way to keep down costs. I believe that by having health insurers compete we can have a more efficient and more affordable health care system for all Americans."

(What did he just say?)

"You mean all healthy Americans, don't you."

"Competition, not big government, will bring down the cost of health care in this country."

(Ok, time to change gears. Maybe the confrontational approach will get something out of him)

"Senator McCain, you were never known as strict ideologue. In fact, in your years in the Senate you've earned the reputation of being somewhat of a maverick in the Republican party. Why are you so wedded to ideology on this issue? The health care system in this country is crazy. People with chronic diseases are not getting the treatment they need, families are facing financial ruin because of exorbidant medical bills, and yet the Republican party still clings to this belief that private health insurance companies, whose overriding incentive is to sell health insurance to those who don't need it and exclude those who do, are doing the best job possible for the American people. How bad does health care have to get before Republicans break with ideology and start looking at the way things really are in this country?"

"On the contrary, I think the Republicans are completely in tune with the American people on this issue. The fact is that most Americans love their health care plan. They don't want the government stepping in and tying up the system with red tape. It may be ideology, but it is an ideology grounded in the fundamental American values of independence and self-reliance."

(Damn, he's good. Now he's accusing me of being unpatriotic)

"Most Americans who have health plans love their health plans, but that's getting to be fewer and fewer Americans these days. You know a lot of employer's don't even offer sick days anymore, let alone health plans. The Republicans don't reflect fundamental American values, they reflect the new American values that say that health care is just another priveledge of the rich, and not a fundamental human right."

(Oh brother, now I sound like a whiner)

"As tempting as it is to believe it, government is not the answer. We can have a private insurance program that works. We must have a private insurance program that works."

"Is that the maverick speaking, or the idealogue?"

"If you'll excuse me I've got a dinner to attend tonight."

"Thank you for your time."

(The Senator has left the room, and now here comes ol' smoothie)

"Well you got your interview. Do you need help finding your way out?"

"Huh, some interview. Just the same old blah-blah-blah."

"What did you think? Did you think you were going to come here and make a reputation for yourself by making a fool out of the Senator?"

"Well...yeah. Isn't that how it's done?"

"The elevator is out that door and to the left. Oh, and by the way, don't let me see you around here again. As far as Senator McCain is concerned, your credentials have just been canceled."

(So that's it. My live blog is in the can and I'm no more famous now than I was when I got out of bed this morning. This journalism is a hard hustle, man, a hard hustle. It's just talk, talk, talk, and nothing ever changes. The rich get richer, the powerful gets stronger, and the independent voice of truth gets strangled and silenced. For all the upheaval it's created, the internet really changes nothing.)

The Duke of Braintree Finds His Guiding Light

"I must be off to Paris now. We cannot defeat the British alone, so I must secure the cooperation of the French."

"But father, what about us?"

"That cannot be helped. My country calls and I must answer her need."

"But what about our needs, father? What about your family?"

"It is not my wish to be away so far from home, but surely you understand I must go. Without aid from the French we are lost."

"Yes father, but at what cost? Is losing your family not too high a price to pay?"

"You look after your mother while I'm away. Be strong my son, as we all shall be strong, for the future or our nation depends on it."

(Oh, man, this John Adams miniseries is great stuff, isn't it? What other TV drama delivers such a mawkish blend of 5th grade history and primetime soap opera. You know, I think I'd like to try to write an episode myself. Just to see if I could do it. Maybe it'd go something like this. )

"I don't know what to say, Abigail. This has never happened to me before."

"It's alright John. You've been under a great deal of stress lately, that's all. You must try to relax."

"Relax? Relax!? While that scoundrel Hamilton sounds the drumbeats of war? He would destroy this nation with his wrackful war with France."

"John you must not think of such things. They tense you up and...and...well, you see what happens."

"For heaven's sake, I'm not a machine Abigail. What would you have me do?"

"Is there no word from Marshall? We may yet have peace with France. I know Thomas would like that."

"Oh would he? No more than to see himself in my place. I'm afraid no peace can salve the bruise which Mr. Jefferson's stubbornness has brought upon this nation."

"He is a man of principle and worthy of admiration. You cannot expect him to compromise his principles."

"No, but as a true patriot I can expect his support. I'm afraid all he has done is turn from me now when I need him the most."

"You speak too harshly of him, John. Surely, if you only understood..."

"You were always fond of Thomas. Too fond, perhaps."

"Don't be silly John. I merely said..."

"Those nights in Paris when you were away. You told me you were nursing a sick friend. Is that really where you were?"

"What are you saying? Do you think I..."

"Yes I remember now. Those walks in the garden, just the two of you. Him, charming as ever and you giggling like a little girl. I saw you two, but I never thought that..."

"Stop it John. I'll hear no more of this foolish talk. I've always like Thomas and have never kept that from you. We are friends, that's all."

"Is it?"

"Yes, friends and nothing more. It's not like you to be envious and jealous, particularly without cause. It's because Thomas favors the rights of states and you the need for a strong federal government that you torment me so."

"Tell me Abigail, and be truthful now. Is Charles really my son?"

(slap)

"He has another mistress. Did you know that Abigail?"

"You're a liar and a jealous old fool."

"No, it's true. Perhaps you've met her. She's the slave girl Sally Hemmings."

"Sl...Sl...Slave girl? Thomas would never...he is too honorable a man."

"Yes, the slave Sally Hemmings. What? Did he not tell you? The esteemed and honorable Mr. Jefferson forgot to mention that. Oh ho, that is rich."

"I've always been faithful to you John. Even on the darkness of nights, though my soul cried with loneliness, and you too busy to even write me a letter. You cannot know the suffering, and now to be paid so cruelly for my tears. What have I ever done to bring on such reprobation? Why do you treat me so?"

"My dear, suffering wife. It is not you. It is France. They would have us pay to ransom our peace. Such insults cannot be borne lightly, and the Congress would have me deliver our reply at the point of a sword, though such a reply would be our ruin. I am fairly vexed by this business and now find myself turning on you. Will you forgive me Abigail?"

(a knock comes on the door)

"Yes, what is it?"

"News from John Quincy, father."

"News? What news?"

(he opens the door and opens the letter)

"What is it John?"

"France has signed the treaty. There is to be peace between our two nations."

"Oh John, it is the news we have been waiting for."

"Yes. The nation is safe and I...I...I feel a new vigor."

"Do you mean..."

"Come here woman."

"Why yes, Mr. President."

Stay tuned for scenes from next weeks episode.

Elegy for the Living

 

Lament

 

What child was this

Who drank black waters

Lying stillborn, breathless

With blood no hotter

Than the cool lump of its unformed clay.

 

Though curiously not in its way lifeless,

Not dead

More a flightless

Bird, or head-

Less snake

Not perfectly lifeless, but dead.

 

Praise

 

All that was promised, now done

A life started and ended

As soon over as begun

For all that was intended

That alone remains

 

Solace

 

Count the days to me now

Feel their bleak, sunless pallor

Everywhere the flat, muddy-brown

Pond of existence grows shallower

And all point is lost to purpose

 

More surface than form

Through some trickery or conceit

It is my life forsworn

All no more than a neat

And appropriate lie.

 

Yes, it was I who drank the black goo

And I the stillborn son

I, the poisoned well who

Can never be done

But to steal the sky of its' glimmer.

Is That All There Is

Oh yeah, the blog. I'd almost forgot about it. Truth is, I was thinking of dropping the blog, and, judging from the thousands of emails I've received demanding its return, it doesn't appear that it would be missed. But be that as it may, the fact is that I like to core dump my consciousness onto the internet every now and then, and in that way, I suppose, this blog is good therapy. So what the hey. As Frank Zappa, the fervently anti-drug musician and composer, once said "I don't need to use alcohol and drugs to get all weird - I was born that way", to which I say "here, here", and offer my blog as proof.

Which places the burden squarely on my shoulders. If you're reading this then I have to assume it's because you have come here expecting something interesting and informative and worthy of your time, and that's really too bad. I'd much prefer you came here because you've got nothing else to do, in which case this blog shouldn't waste any time that would have been otherwise misspent. In either case, whether compelling or frivolous, I suppose I should find something to write about.

How about the economy. That's topical and blogworthy. Are we in a recession or are things just a little slow? And if so, who's to blame ? Is it government or big business? Is it us? Are we to blame? No, let me assure you it's not us. We were just innocent dupes. Just innocent, gas-guzzlin', status seeking, materialistic, maxed-out, consumption-crazed, leverage every last penny in our pockets dupes. If what we were doing was wrong, then America is wrong, and if America is wrong, then someone should have stopped us before it was too late. But they didn't stop us, did they? So now I say it's up to them to make it up to us. Damn, where's my rebate check?

The old saying goes that when someone else loses their job it's a recession, and when you lose your job it's a depression. If that's the case, then I would have to call this a fin-de-siecle. The fin-de-siecle is what they called that time around the end of the 19th century when the fabled era of European excess, opulence and decadance called "La Belle Epoque" came to a violent and bloody end as Europe descended into chaos and a succession of world wars that would eventually collapse the great European empires and rearrange the pecking order of the great world powers. I think we're going through something like that. Nothing serious, just the violent end of the world as we know it. I don't know if the Fed has any kind of fin-de-siecle policy, but I guess another interest rate cut wouldn't hurt.

What bothers me, though, is that if this is the end of an era of opulence and decadence, then how come I didn't get in on any of it. All those years of riches and gaudiness and moral turpitude, and all I got out of it was this lousy 401k. Man, if I would have known it was all coming to an end I would have made more of an effort to be greedier and more promiscuous. All those wasted years, and now, of course, it's too late. You kids in the audience - let that be a lesson to you.

Anyways, what difference does it make now. The question is where do we go from here? Beats me. Time keeps slipping through my hands and I still haven't found my life's purpose or written that libretto or held that woman I dream of every night. Tilted at windmills, that's all I've done. I've just been tilting at windmills.

I did have an idea about doing a video podcast where I'd ride my motorcycle around and visit all the great opera houses of Europe. You know, sort of a travel podcast for opera-loving motorcyclists. I figured it would be a good idea because that way I could combine two of the things I love the best - opera and motorcycling - and maybe make a little coin off of it too. I'll admit it's a bit niche - sort of a combination of Great Performances and Then Came Bronson (anyone old enough to remember that show?), but you know podcasting exists to serve niche markets. It would be perfect, but then I got to thinking, ok, so I ride my bike and go to these opera houses, and then what? Do I look into the camera and say something like "Sure, I scraped a peg or two on the way in, but say, that La Scala is some opera house, ain't it?" Somehow I couldn't see the advertisers lining up to sponsor something like that.

So anyway that was my great idea. I admit I'm not really the entrepeneurial type. I just don't have that sense of the utility of things, that sense of giving the people what they want (take this blog for example). I'm more interested in the things that interest me, I suppose, much to my misfortune. Oh well, I guess we can add "internet media mogul" to the list of job titles never to appear on my resume, along with librettist and promiscuous money monger that is.

Oh, the hubris, the hubris.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Well, the weather was so beautiful today that I decided to take the blog outside and enjoy a little sunshine. Wait a minute. Who's that over there sitting on that park bench? Why it's Barak Obama. Let's go over and find out what's happening with the Democratic frontrunner.

"Hey 'O', how's it going?"

"Good. Pretty damn good, to tell you the truth. Beautiful day, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I bought a sandwich over at the deli and, you know, it was so nice out that I figured I'd go outside and eat it. You want half?"

"What kind you got?"

"Tuna, on a french roll."

"Yeah, I'll take half of that. Have a seat."

"Thanks. Say, what are you doing in California anyway? Shouldn't you be in Wisconsin campaigning or something?"

"Man, it's 11 degrees in Milwaukee. If it's all the same to you I'd rather be out here in California, you know what I mean?"

"Got that right."

"Besides, I was hoping I'd run into you. You write that blog, don't you?"

"Yeah I've got a blog but I didn't know you read it."

"Oh yeah. I read it all the time. It's great. Sort of perceptive, penetratingly insightful, and yet incredibly stupid all at the same time. I love it."

"Well, variety is the spice of life."

"That's what they say. Hey this sandwich is good. You got anything to wash it down with?"

"Nah. I could go back to the deli and pick up a couple of soda's if you'd like."

"No, that's alright. I'm fine."

"How's the campaign going? You seem to have Hillary on the ropes."

"You think so? I'm not so sure. I'm not polling well in Texas and Ohio."

"Is that right. Hmm. No offense to Hillary, mind you, but she doesn't seem that presidential to me. She seems more like a policy wonk than a leader, you know what I mean. People want someone to follow, not just a bunch of graphs and numbers. Not that I've got anything against her, but for some reason she just doesn't inspire me."

"So does that mean you're going to vote for me?"

"You haven't got the nomination yet, 'O'. Ask me again after Denver."

"Then let's say I do get the nomination?"

"Geez, I don't know. I mean I gotta be honest and...um...let me put it this way. For a guy who talks about all the things he's gonna do, you sure don't seem to have done much. I mean it's probably a good thing that you don't have much of a record to be held accountable for, but still...well...you don't have much of a record."

"I voted against the war, didn't I?

(pause)

"Let me ask you something. Do you honestly believe that you're gonna change Washington? I hear you say it all the time, but do you seriously believe that?"

"Sure I do. I'm gonna stand up to the special interests and ..."

"Do you seriously think that the special interests, the real king makers and powerbrokers in Washington, are worried about what's gonna happen to them if Obama comes to town. Do you think they're telling themselves 'Uh-oh, Obama's in charge now. We better straighten up our act or else he's gonna run us out of town.'"

"I think they're going to find out pretty quick that the days of 'business as usual' are over."

"Right."

"We're gonna have full disclosure when I get elected. The American people deserve to know who's paying what to who, and then we'll just let the cards fall where they may."

"And you know what we're going to find out? We're going to find out that the money goes everywhere, and that everyone's got their hand in the cookie jar. What will that prove?"

"Don't be so cynical, D.C. It's time for change in America, and I'm ready for the challenge."

"Oh I see. This is sort of like 'Destry Rides Again', isn't it. Only this isn't the movies and you aren't Jimmy Stewart."

"Give me your vote and we'll see what happens."

"Nah, even if I believed you could change things I could never vote for you."

"Why not?"

"It's the war. For the life of me I can't see what we gain by abandoning Iraq, especially now that we're finally starting to turn the corner. "

"America was mislead. We have no business being in Iraq. The American people know that, and I know that. The best thing for us to do is get our troops out of there and stop making a bad situation worse."

"But it's getting better."

"Our war is with the terrorists, not the Iraqi's. Everyone knows that?"

"That's not the point. You know General Meade's war wasn't with the state of Pennsylvania, and I'm sure he would have rather fought his battle at the gates of Richmond than up in the Pennsylvania farm country. Unfortunately, at that moment the enemy happened to be at Gettysburg and so that's where the battle had to be. It seems to me the height of arrogance that Americans think we can just start and stop wars at our leisure, and then be so cavalier as to cover our defeats with the excuse that we did not lose, we just chose not to further engage."

"That's not what this is about."

"Tell me something.When this is all over, we aren't going to tun on our TV's and see Iraqis crowding the gates of the Embassy as the last Americans are helicoptered out of Baghdad, are we?"

"Our withdrawal from Iraq is not going to be the end of our commitment to defeat the terrorists and to bring their leaders to justice."

"Are we going to invade Pakistan?"

"Don't go there."

"Let's say we pull out of Iraq and the enemy then feels free to disengage and turn their attention up north, and let's say we start to see a wave of terrorist attacks in Afghanistan with thousands killed and American troops under fire. Will we then follow the pattern we established in Iraq and withdraw from Afghanistan as well? Would the enemy expect anything less of us?"

"You're overreacting to the situation, DC. I'm not going to engage in wild hypotheticals with you except to say that our commitment to the Afghan people is firm."

"Yeah, ok, but I'm sticking with McCain. I think he knows what's at stake here."

"And are you prepared to fight a hundred years war?"

"The Mideast is too volatile. Things will get resolved one way or another before that ever happens. McCain is the adult here. He knows that if you're stupid enough to get yourself into a war, then you're committed to see it all the way through. You don't get to take a Mulligan."

"Well, thank God most Americans don't feel that way. America wants out, D.C., and I do too."

"That's ok 'O'. You seem like a sincere guy. A little wet behind the ears, but sincere. And I think it'd be great if you really do change Washington, but don't give up too easily if you happen to get bloodied up a bit, huh."

"You know I won't."

"Do I?"

 

 

 

"

Carpe Diem, Dude

"Hello."

"Hello. You must be Mr. Jones. Please, have a seat."

"Thank you."

"Can I get you something to drink? A cup of coffee maybe?"

"No, no thanks. I'm fine."

"Well, Mr. Jones, what brings you in this morning?"

"I think I need a career change."

"Yes, of course. You know that's very common now days. A lot of people your age arrive at a certain point in their lives, having worked to buy a home and raise a family, and with the children gone and the mortgage almost paid they start to wonder if there isn't something more to life. Something more rewarding or personally fulfilling."

"I'm not married."

"Divorced?"

"No, nothing like that. You see I was downsized last year and..."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"No, it's ok. I found a new job. But the thing is, I'm still doing the same thing, you know. It's a different company but it's still the same old thing, and I'm just starting to wonder if..."

"Sure, I understand. You want to know what color is your parachute."

"Huh?"

"That's just an expression. It means..."

"I didn't know parachutes came in colors."

"Well that's an interesting point. The fact is that parachutes come in all sorts of colors. We just have to find out what color yours is."

"I don't know. Red?"

"No, that's not what I...tell you what, let's start off by finding out a little bit more about yourself. When you're not working what do you like to do?"

"Sleep."

"Besides sleep, I mean. Do you like to play sports, or work on cars, or something like that, or perhaps you're more the creative type."

"I like sports, I guess."

"Oh, that's good. What sorts of sports do you play?"

"Play? No, I meant I like to watch sports. I'm too out of shape to play sports."

"Do you golf? Fish?"

"I like to eat fish, but I don't catch them. In fact, I'd really rather not watch my food squirm and die before I put it in mouth. I takes away my appetite, you know?"

"And you don't golf?"

"I hate golf."

"Ok, so what do you like to do? C'mon Mr. Jones, there must be something?"

"The truth is I already know what I want to do."

"You do? What's that?"

"I want to be a geek."

"A geek? You mean with computers and things like that?"

"Yes."

"Well, ok, that should be no problem. There are plenty of jobs out there in computers these days. Are you looking for something in IT or MIS perhaps?"

"No. not that kind of geek. Believe me, if it's 3:00 in the morning and Mary in Accounting's printer won't print, I DO NOT want to be the person she calls to get the thing working again. You know what I'm saying."

"Yes, but really Mr. Jones, you're not giving me very much to..."

"I want to be a geek. Like those ones in the movies. You know. The ones that can just walk into someone's office and type a few keys on the keyboard and suddenly have access to all of his classified documents and the schematics to secret CIA facilities in the desert, or can walk into a building and press a few keys on a keypad and disable all the alarms and open all the security doors and cut off all outside communications. I want to be one of those kind of geeks. The problme is that I don't know where you go to learn all that stuff. That's why I'm here. I was hoping you could help me."

"Tell me something Mr. Jones. Do you watch a lot of TV?"

"Not really."

"I think maybe..."

"I want a job like Chloe's. You know Chloe on '24'. I want to sit at my computer and control satellites and deploy police cars and break into government facilities and stuff like that. That would be such a cool job."

"And highly illegal, I might add."

"Well that's the whole point, isn't it. I mean who's to say where we draw the line. Maybe sometimes the ends do indeed justify the means."

"You seem like a detail oriented person, Mr. Jones. Perhaps you might like to try accounting instead."

"Can I tell you a secret?"

"No, please don't Mr. Jones. I'd rather you didn't."

"You know that Chloe - the on on TV. I think she's hot."

"Really? Well that's an interesting detail we can add to your file. But back to the business at hand. What I need from you is ..."

"You don't think I'm serious do you? Well I am. I've been to trade schools. You know like Heald and University of Phoenix, but they don't offer any courses I need. Sure, PHP and XML and things like that, but nothing about disabling building security or decrypting classified documents."

"Mr. Jones, I'm sorry but I just don't know what I can do for you. You seem to have some peculiar career goals in mind and I just..."

"You lied."

"I what?"

"You lied."

"Now wait a minute. I'm sure I never..."

"Your ad in the paper said you could help me find the path to happiness and be whatever it is I wanted to be."

"And I can, it's just that I'm not sure if...by that, I mean I don't think you really understand what...the truth is Mr. Jones, if we're going to find out your true path to happiness then you're going to have to start being a little more realistic, that's all."

"You sound just like my father. When I was a kid he used to tell me to never let anyone or anything stop me from reaching my goals, to never say never. He'd say 'Son, remember you can be anything you want to be.' So one day I told him 'Dad, I think I'd like to be Jesus Christ, the Son of God.' and then after that we stopped having our heart-to-heart talks. Then all of a sudden one day he took me to a special doctor and made me promise I'd never tell anyone I'd been there, and we never talked about being anything I want to be ever again. It was lie, what he said, wasn't it? It was all a great, big lie."

"No it's not a lie. You can be whatever you want to be, but within reason of course."

"In other words, it's true that you can be whatever it is you want to be, but realistically speaking you'll probabaly end up sitting in some cubicle just like everybody else."

"No, Mr. Jones. Please don't be discouraged. I'm sure that..."

"Look, you asked me what color my parachute was. Well, that's my parachute."

(pause)

"You're right. You're absolutely right. Ok, let's get started then. If I remember correctly you said you wanted to be a geek, but not the kind of geek that fixes people's printers. You want to be a geek of danger and mystery. Is that right?"

"Yes, exactly."

"Do you have any experience? I mean I'm not sure what sort of qualifications you need to be a geek, but what's your background. Do you have any kind of 'geek cred'?"

"Well I keep my pockets stuffed full of electronic gadgets everywhere I go, and even though my house is full of cabinets and drawers and boxes stuffed with every conceivable kind of electronic cable, connector, switch and whatever else you can possibly think of, it seems I never find the partcular cable or connector I'm looking for when I really need it."

"That's certainly a start. Anything else?"

"Well, I have poor nutrition habits, no fashion sense, and really lousy taste in art, books and music."

"Great. It certainly sounds like you're off to a solid start. Now there's just the question of where to get your training. Have you given any thought to that?"

"Yeah, well I think organized crime would probably have the sort of position I'm looking for. They always seem to need a geek or two when they commit heinous acts."

"You're right. I bet there are plenty of criminal organization's around that would be eager to take on an intern or some kind of entry-level geek."

"What kind of organizations?"

"I don't know. Latin American drug cartels, Caribbean money launderers, East Coast crime families, Congress. Have you thought about relocating to Washington DC?"

"Then you think I can really do this?"

"If that's what you want. If that's what you really want. Here, let me play this CD for you. Climb every mountain, cross every stream. Follow every rainbow, until..."

"Life is so full isn't it? Such a rich pageant."

"You see that. When you came in here you were feeling all stuck in a rut, and now look at you. How do you feel now?"

"Great. I really think I'm ready. I think I'm finally ready to let go of the past and become the geek I was always meant to be."

"You see. You just needed was a little encouragement, that's all. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, you've been a great help, and listen...if I do break into a computer someday and steal all kinds of personal information, well...I just hope it isn't yours.I wanted you to know that."

"That's sweet. Thank you. And good luck with your new career."

"No, thank you."