Meet John Doe

As awful as it was to see Eight Bells break her ankles at the Kentucky Derby and then have to be euthanized right there on the track, I think the audience can at least take some comfort in knowing that things didn't turn out all bad for the young philly - at least she will be spared the agony of another month of Democratic primaries. Praise thee our Lord, thou art a most merciful God.

Not that I mean to demean the political process, mind you - the debating of issues, the arguing of positions, the constant probing of character - each candidate standing before the American people and presenting the qualities that prove their worthiness to command the ship of government. Democracy is truly a remarkable thing. However, enough is enough. After months and months of probing and all the "he said, she said", is there really anything left to say that hasn't been said already?

What's really frightening, though, and what I simply cannot understand is that even after all this time there are still some Democratic voters who are undecided. Can you believe that? Day after day, week after week, month after month, and you're still undecided? Do you really think that there is stilll something we don't know about these candidates that is going to tip your vote one way or the other? Personally, I think anyone who's still undecided after a year and a half of campaigning should be disqualified from voting. Period.

"Pardon me, are you a registered Democrat?"

"Yes I am."

"Are you planning to vote in the upcoming primary?"

"Yes I am."

"Great. Do you mind if I ask which candidate do you intend to vote for?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I'm still undecided."

"YOUR WHAT! After all this time? What the hell could you possibly not know about these candidates that hasn't been gone over at least a hundred times before?"

"Well, I'd like to hear their positions on inner city weed whacking and Burundian prison reform. The media's just been ignoring those issues."

"Really? You think the media hasn't reported just about every nuance and facet of these campaings till you're sick of hearing about it? Till you want to tear out your hair and scream? Till you want to grab some reporter by the throat and say 'can we just get on to the election already'?"

"You know I think they'd both make a good President, but..I don't know. I like Clinton, but then I like Obama too."

"You can't decide?"

"I don't know. I think I can decide."

"Ok, that does it. I'm gonna have to revoke your voting priveleges. A year and half and you still can't decide? That's unacceptable. Come with me, please. Did you bring a coat?"

"You know I wasn't sure if I should bring a coat today or not. I was wondering 'Is it going to be too hot for a coat, or if I don't bring one will it be too cold? Should I even bother coming down here today or should I just watch the election on TV? If I do come down here and bring a coat will I be sorry I did? Should I just wait at home to see what the weather's like and then decide if I should bring a coat or not? And if I wait at home then shouldn't I just watch it on TV and not worry about whether to bring a coat or not. Or maybe, if I don't have a coat and it's too cold then could I then go back home and watch it on TV? Would it better to bring a sweater instead? That way it wouldn't be heavy like a coat if it's too hot, but still enough to keep me warm if it's too cold. And if I stay home I could still wear a sweater in the house and that way if it's too cold I won't have to run the furnace but if it's too hot I...'"

"I swear to God. If you don't stop right now I'm going to put down this microphone and beat you up."

"What (hmmph)?"

"People like you have no business in the voting booth. You hear me? We've been at it for 15 months and you still can't make up your mind? That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. That's it. I'm having you removed from the voting rolls. The American people can only wait so long for people like you to get a clue, and then it's time to move on. I know that's sounds harsh, but unless someone comes to a decision around here this election will never end."

"I can make up my mind, I just need more time, that's all."

"No. No more time. Time's up. Who's it gonna be?"

"Can't we have just one more debate?"

"No. No more debates."

"Isn't there any more dirt we can dig up? Have we checked out all the friends and family members?"

"No. No more dirt. Decide."

"Uh...um...er...oh, I can't. I can't. It's not fair. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings."

"In politics there are always going to be losers. Now decide."

"I can't. I can't I tell you. You decide for me."

"I can't decide for you. You're the one who has to mark the ballot."

"Well, who does everyone else like?"

"Right now it looks like Obama's in the lead."

"Ok, then I'll do that, I guess. He's going to win anyways, right?"

"So that's it. You're no longer undecided?"

"No. I'll vote for Obama."

"Great. The voting booth is right over there."

"Oh, do I have to vote right now? Can't I go later?"

"No, you have to vote right now."

"But what if I vote for Obama and then decide I really like Clinton better. Shouldn't I wait until I..."

"Hey Tom. You mind coming over here a moment and holding this microphone for me."