With food and energy prices soaring, we all need to do some belt-tightening these days. But what to do? To help you get through these troubling times, Dead Cat asked our consumer reporter (that would be me) to offer up his top 5 money saving ideas.
1. Steal Donuts from the break room:
Your boss is a nice guy, so every Friday he brings in a box of donuts for the staff to enjoy. Well here's an idea that can save you hundreds of dollars on your next grocery bill. When Friday comes around, get to the office a little early and wait in the parking lot for the boss to arrive. When you see him, say a friendly hello and offer to take the donuts up to the break room. He'll be glad for the help. When he hands you the box, tell him you forgot something in your car, and then after he leaves place the donuts in a paper bag and stash them in your trunk.
Be careful to leave one or two of the donuts in the box before taking it up to the break room. That way when he sees the almost empty box he won't think the donuts have been stolen, but just assume that the staff wolfed 'em all down and left none for anyone else except a couple of the crappy ones.
Although it may not seem like much, there are enough calories in the average box of donuts to feed a family of four for an entire summer.
2. Take the train instead:
It's no secret that the fuel prices are higher than they've ever been before. Most of us would like to cut back on our gasoline usage, but we've still got jobs we have to get to and places we have to go. Is there some other more fuel-efficient means to travel? Sure there is, and it can be found in every city and county of America.
It' called the freight train, and for well over a hundred years people like Woody Guthrie and Steam Train Maury have hitching rides back and forth all across this great nation of ours. Don't worry about the price or the mileage, just hop aboard. There's no waiting in line and no ticket to buy, and as energy experts will tell you, trains are still our most energy-efficient means of motorized transportation.
That's great you say, but how do I get started. First, check with your local rail yard and see if they have a list of freight trains that will be running through your area. Also find out if they have a map showing the rail lines that connect the areas that your interested in travelling to. Look for sharp bends and steep uphill climbs as these will be the easiest place for you to hop on board. Then, just bundle up some clothes and tie them up in a bandana, attach it to the end of a pole and you're ready to travel.
3. Save on cleaning supplies:
Along with everything else, the cost of cleaning supplies keeps rising. All those disinfectants, tile scrubbers, stain removers, countertop cleaners, air fresheners, etc... can really put a dent in the household budget. Well why not take a tip from that bachelor friend of yours. He's savings money because instead of wasting countless hours scrubbing and washing only to have to do the very same thing all over again next week, he just don't bother.
After all, as most undomesticated males can tell you, that black grime building up on your floors, sinks and countertops may look unsightly, but it probably won't kill you. Those bathtub stains may make your skin crawl, but they aren't fatal. That putrid stench rising up from the garbage piled up under the sink may be unpleasant at first, but only if you forget to hold your breath. By just letting nature take it's course, you will not only save on cleaning supplies, but lower your water and electricity costs as well. Relax, have a beer, and save money in the process.
4. Saving on that next vacation:
Summer's here and it's time once again for that dream vacation. I mean the neighbors dream vacation, of course, not yours. You can't afford a vacation this year. Well, you could afford a vacation, but only one that doesn't involve flying, driving or eating. No, looks like you'll be stuck at home while the neighbors are out on their Polynesian cruise, so why not use their absence to do a little savings while they're gone.
Chances are the neighbors won't be taking their pet along with them on vacation, so why not offer to watch little fluffy or fido for them while they're away? They'll be relieved to have someone close by to watch their pet, and you can use the oppurtunity to ask for their housekey in case an emergency should arise. Then, as soon as they leave, shut down the water and electricty at your house, and go move into theirs.
Forget about paying the utilities. It's their bill, not yours. No more of this turning the air conditioning off. Turn that sucker on, and leave it on - the lights too. Turn on every light in the house and leave them on day and night, take 45 minute showers, run a hose from their yard to yours and water your lawn as much as you like - make it look like the Everglades if you want to. If they've got a pool, crank up that heater and have a pool party. Call up a caterer and have them send the bill to your neighbors address. Live it up. While they're having their vacation, have a little vacation of your own.
Finally, when the neighbors return home, don't admit to anything.
"Say Bob, you know it's the strangest thing. While we were away in Tahiti, our utility bill almost tripled."
"Yours too? Man, I thought it was just us. These utility rates are ridiculous, aren't they?"
5. Children are our most precious asset:
They never listen, they're always mouthing off, they think they know everything, they won't stop fighting...yes, our children are precious to us. But aren't there times when you'd like to be able to just sit down with your kids, as a family, without any of the distractions or the hustle and bustle of daily life, and...
wring their little necks.
No, I'm kidding of course. You don't want to harm your children, but what if you could sell them instead? Pawn 'em off on some poor, unsuspecting couple and let 'em drive someone else crazy for a while. Well, that's what couples in third world nations have been doing for centuries. By selling their children to unscrupulous middlemen, they not only get a cash payment up front, but save thousands and thousands of dollars on the care and feeding of the ungrateful little buggers.
And what a valuable life lesson you'll be passing on to your kids as well. As they spend then next 5, 10, or even 20 years of their lifes in indentured servitude, down on their knees scrubbing some rich woman's floors, perhaps then they'll finally start to appreciate how good they had it. Perhaps then they'll learn to have a little respect for the mother and father who provided for them all those years (the ungrateful little buggers). Money in your pocket and a valuable life lesson as well. It's a win-win situation for both parent and child.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment