Laura Takes A Gentleman Caller (or Two)


Phew! Thank God that John Ashcroft guy is finally gone. Guess we can all breathe a little easier now. No need to worry about secret arrests, secret courts, or secret trials. Nope, it's morning again in America, and we are free to speak our minds without fear of being labeled a traitor or a terrorist. Well I'd personally like to take this time to say once and for all that as far as I'm concerned John Ashcroft was a great big weenie-head and the country can now count its blessings that he's finally...

Ooops, sorry. Excuse me for a minute, I think there's someone at the door.

"Good evening sir, is Mr. Anthony Myers at home."

"I'm Mr. Myers, can I help you?"

"Good evening Mr. Myers, we're from the Justice Dept. My name is Officer Frank and this is my partner Officer Jack. Mind if we come in and ask you a few questions?"

"Uh, no, come on in. No, wait, could I see some identification first? Ok, that looks right. Come on in."

"Thank you. Mr. Myers, Agent Jack and I are special agents assigned to the special anti-terrorist unit of the U.S. Department of Justice and we're currently canvassing homes in the area looking for possible signs of terrorist activities in your neighborhood. "

"Terrorists, in this neighborhood? Do you have any particular suspects in mind?"

"No, no, just routine. We've been talking to people throughout the country and"

"Excuse me, can I take your coats?"

"No, we're fine. Like I said, we've been talking to various people around the country about"

"You think I might be a terrorist?"

"No, we didn't say that. But if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions...I promise we'll be as brief as possible."

"No, I don't mind. I've got nothing to hide. Ask away."

"Fine, Mr. Myers. Perhaps before we get started you wouldn't mind removing your shoes and socks."

"My what? My shoes and socks?"

"Yes sir, that's correct. As you may know we at the justice department have developed certain, uh, shall we say...terrorist profiles over the years, and one of the things we've noticed is that terrorism seems to be linked with unusually long toes. If you don't mind, we'd like you to remove your shoes so that Agent Jack here can take some measurements. It's strictly routine."

"I don't know, that's seems a little kinky to me."

"Please sir, if you don't mind."

"Ok, sure. Measure away. Like I said, I've got nothing to hide."

"Fine sir. Agent Jack, would you please?"

"Now, Mr. Myers. It has come to our attention that you have made some threatening remarks about the Attorney General lately. Is this true?"

"Threatening remarks? You mean like calling him a 'great big weenie-head'?"

"Exactly. Now Mr. Myers, did you in fact say that about the Attorney General? Did you in fact make a post on your blog calling him a 'great big weenie-head'?"

"Mmmmaaaybeeee...."

"Is that a yes or a no, sir?"

"Sure, I might of said that. But it was a joke. Honest."

"A joke" (long pause) "Sir, would I would be correct in calling you a liberal?"

"No, I'm an American, and just what are you trying to imply?"

"I'm not implying anything, sir, I'm just asking questions. So when you say you are an American does that mean your not a traitorous piece of liberal scum?"

"Huh?"

"Let me ask you another question Mr. Myers. Who did you vote for in the last election?"

"That's none of your damn business!"

"I see. Tell me, Mr. Myers, would I be mistaken in believing that those who don't cast a proper vote to save America from the terrorist threat are, in actuality, our enemies? And if I am not mistaken, then wouldn't it certainly be 'my business' to know how you voted in the last election?"

"I voted for Arnold, ok. There, see, I'm no traiterous liberal scum."

"Ok, Mr. Myers, we'll leave it at that. Tell me, is that an empty yogurt container I see sitting in the waste basket over there."

"Where, over there. Yeah, Yoplait yogurt. I eat it everyday. So what?"

"You eat french food everyday. Like french food do you? Maybe you like french people too, huh? Maybe you'd rather be living in France and cavorting with all those yellow-bellied french socialist scumbag arteestes and intellectuals than living here in the good Ol' USA with us plain old Americans? Isn't that right?"

"What are you talking about? I've never been to France in my life."

"Then explain the yogurt."

"The yogurt?"

"The Yo-Plait, s'il vous plait. Comprendez-vous?"

"It's yogurt, for crying out loud. I bought it at the supermarket."

"It's french yogurt."

"Actually, I think it's American yogurt. And anyways, if I'm not mistaken yogurt is turkish, not french, right? Turkey is our ally, aren't they. Hell, they're part of NATO, aren't they?"

"Hmmm, sounds french to me, but whatever you say. Still, I really hate the french. All a bunch of queers if you ask me. By the way, you're not..."

"Not what?"

"You know, Gay Paree and all that. You're not that kind of frenchie are you?"

"What kind of frenchie, is that?"

"Nevermind, although it would fit the profile. But, like you say, you're not... Like girls, do you?"

"Yes I do, especially the fleshy parts. What has that got to do with..."

"Ok, ok, just asking. No reason to get defensive. Still, it does fit the profile."

"How 'bout you, Agent Frank. You and Agent Jack seemed awful chummy when you walked in the door. You like girls?"

"I'm married."

"Yeah, I'll bet."

(tense silence)

"Ok, let's have a look at that computer. Where is it?"

"Computer? What computer?"

"Let's not play games here Mr. Myers, you know which computer I'm talking about. The one you use to post threatening and highly treasonous, I might add, statements about the Attorney General of the United States of America. May I see it please?"

"Why do you want to see it? It's just a computer."

"I'm afraid we'll have to take it in for evidence."

"Take it in? My computer? When will I get it back?"

(silence)

"You can't just come barging in here and take my computer. I have important files on that computer."

"I see, and what kind of files might that be?"

"Important ones, you know. Financial data, and things like that. Say, you aren't going to look through my files are you?"

"That would be the general purpose, yes. We'll need to do a thorough forensic examination of the contents of your hard drive."

"But wait..."

"Mr. Myers, will you please show us the computer. I'm afraid we won't be leaving here without it."

"Ok, ok, but first I should tell you something. Uh, you might some files, you know pictures."

"What kind of pictures are we talking about, sir."

"Pictures, just pictures, that's all. You know, naked barbie pictures, but I can explain. You see I'm doing some research"

"Uh-huh, just as I thought. You about done there Jack?"

"Toes look a little long, Frank."

"Ok, that does it. The toes, the yogurt, the naked barbie picture, it all adds up. Sir would you mind getting your coat. You'll be coming with us."

"Coming with you, where?"

"We'd like to ask you some further questions."

"No, I'm not going anywhere. Not until I talk to a lawyer."

"There's no need to talk to a lawyer, sir. It'll just be a few questions."

"I'm not answering anything until I talk to a lawyer."

"Sir, if you've got nothing to hide then there's no need for a lawyer, is there?"

"Sure there is. What if this thing goes to trial, then what? I'll need a lawyer then, won't I?"

"There's not going to be a trial, sir."

"No trial? What are we gonna do? Just sit around the courtroom and watch you and Agent Jack make goo-goo eyes at eachother?"

"There won't be any court, sir."

"No lawyer? No court? No trial? Say, what is this?"

"Sir, we live in dangerous times. The terrorists can strike anytime and the Attorney General feels that we don't have time to waste on all the lawyer tricks and legal mumbo jumbo. I think the American people, the true patriots anyways, feel secure in knowing that our government is wasting no time in sending terrorist scum like you straight into the penitentiary where you belong."

"But I'm not a terrorist."

"The toes, Mr. Myers, how do you explain that?"

"But I'm not a terrorist."

"The yogurt, the big weenie-head remark. How do you explain those Mr. Myers?"

"But I'm not a terrorist."

"The barbie pictures"

"Ok, I said I could explain that. Look, I'm not a terrori"

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