It's My Ball So I Get To Be Quarterback

The Holidays. Bah Humbug! Yeah I know that's not what Christmas is all about, at least not the Christmas they advertise on TV. Christmas is supposed to be about family, and giving, and crowds, and calories, and overlimit credit card balances, and... Ah, enough already. I'm sorry if I'm not in the proper holiday spirit but I'm getting tired, and each year it seems more and more like a chore just to make it through the season. In fact I can see it coming already.

How long will it be, you think, before we start seeing those "news" stories about how we're doing this holiday season? You know the ones I mean.

"Retailers report a slow start to the Christmas shopping season, with sales volume 6% behind what they were this time last year. With Christmas accounting for as much as 60% of total yearly sales, many analysts predict that retailers may see revenue shortfalls of up to a gazillion dollars unless consumers get out those credit cards and start running up the balances. Many consumers, however, continue to watch prices closely and wait for discounts to arrive before they start shelling out the dough."

Geez, they always try to make you feel so guilty about not doing your part to add even more heft to the national debt. But I don't care about that, and I don't mind spending the money either, but I do resent it when the news shows and the commercials and even the politicians sometimes start turning the screws and pressuring already overextended consumers to go out there and spend.

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to talk about. What I really want to talk about is charity. Now I know everyone of us tries to do our part, especially at this time of year, and I guess the one thing that I always feel good about at Christmas time is my annual donation to Toys for Tots. I've been doing it for the past 15 or 20 years or so, but it seems like every year I end up donating the same thing. And that bugs me.

You see, I know that kids want to get the hottest, latest, coolest thing for Christmas, but I never know what the latest, hottest, coolest thing is. I imagine it's probably something electronic, or at least something that needs a battery, or maybe something radio controlled, or something that moves or makes some kind of noise, but I never donate those types of things. I could just donate money, but instead each year I give the same old dull, boring, been-there done-that kind of toy you can imagine.

I donate a ball.

It used to be I'd donate a softball or a football but I noticed that kids today don't seem to be playing much baseball or football anymore, so I usually give a soccer ball or a basketball instead. I know, I know, how b-o-o-o-o-r-i-n-g. But wait a second, I can explain, and it all goes back to (are you ready for this?) "WHEN I WAS A KID." You see, when I was a kid I used to get lots of those cool, fad kind of toys too, and I'd play with them intensely for about a week or two before I'd toss them into the closet and beg my parents for the next cool thing. But a ball was different.

My brother got a football for Christmas once and I swear that thing got regular use for at least the next 6 or 7 years. And not just by my brother, either. Every kid in the neighborhood knew who had the football and whenever it was time to get a game together you could be sure someone would come knocking on our door. I don't know whatever happened to that thing, but after a few years the strings were all broken and tied together in knots, and one of the seams had split open a little so that there was a big black bubble on one side where the rubber innertube used to stick out, and the surface had become so worn and smooth that we used to have to throw it shotput style to keep it from slipping out of our hands. But let me tell you, it got used and never sat around in the back of anyone's closet waiting to be thrown out.

So that's why I give a ball every year. You see, in my mind I have this idealized vision of some kid getting this ball for Christmas and getting all the neighborhood kids together and having a game just like we used to do. Realistically, of course, I also know it's far more likely that some poor kid is going to be looking around at all the really cool toys that everyone else got for Christmas and w0ndering why he or she just got this crummy ball.

And I feel bad about that.

Yep, I should donate something else this Christmas. But I keep thinking wouldn't it be great if some kid got a ball for Christmas, and him and his dad went down to the park and started throwing it around, or kicking it around, or shooting a few baskets. Wouldn't any kid get more out of that than some batteries not included gizmo, or some TV show movie deal action figure promo tie-in? Ok, probably not, but then, like I said, I'm an idealist.

That's why I think I'll donate a football this year. Kids don't seem to play much football anymore, and you know, that's too bad because if they did they'd find out that the game is a lot of fun. On a crisp winter day, when there's a bit of a chill in the air, after you've been cooped up inside all day, a football game is...well, if only I could be a kid again. Unfortunately, I'm not a kid and if I went out and played football now I'd probably break every bone in my body, but when you're young it's just about the most fun you can have. My favorite positions were receiver and cornerback, and let me tell you it wasn't like the NFL where all a corner has to do is brush the receiver a little or just look at him funny for a flag to come flying. By our rules, when going for the ball anything short of first degree murder was a-ok by us, and we had some crazy fun. At least it was for me.

Yeah, I'm going to donate a football and who knows, maybe someone will get a game going. Then after I've done my good deed for humanity and dropped it in the barrel I can get back to this business of Christmas. I heard an ad on the radio today where they were seriously suggesting that a Mercedes would make a great gift this holiday season. No kidding. Why not surprise that special someone with a new Mercedes this year.

We've certainly come a long way from frankincense and myrrh.