Every NFL Pregame Show Ever Made

"Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to the NFL Pregame Show. I'm your host Dan Mann here in the studio and joining me, as always, are my co-hosts Rick Razor and Beef Murphy. Good afternoon, gentlemen. Ok, let's get started."

"Ok Dan. Boy do we have some great matchups today."

"Well, let's start off with the matchup that everyone's been talking about. The battle of the two undefeated's - the Mungoville Monarchs and the Kalawaza Kings."

"Dan, here we have a classic meeting between two undefeated teams who are both coming off impressive wins last week and have a lot of momentum going into today's game."

"Let's talk about that Beef. What's your take on today's game."

"Well, I think the story of this game is going to be one of offense versus defense. The Monarch's currently with the league's most explosive offense, and the Kings with the league's stingiest defense."

"Yes but..."

"If you look at last weeks game where the Monarch's scored 750 points against a very good team in the Friendlyville Flies, you have to think that nobody's going to be able to stop them this season. And yet, the Kings have so far held their opponents to just 2 points on the season. Those are impressive numbers."

"You were going to add something Rick?"

"Yes, I was just going to add that while I think the offenses and the defenses will be key in the game today, I think the special teams will have a role to play too."

"What about that King's defense Rick? You've been studying the film."

"What can you say, Dan. The numbers speak for themselves. George Goone has done a wonderful job with that defense this year. Only 2 points allowed through 7 games with 27 of their opponents either killed or injured - this is certainly one tough defense."

"Yet the Monarch's lead the league in offense, Beef. What do you make of that?"

"They do it with players, Dan."

"You mean they have the best players."

"Yes."

"So will the King's be able to stop them?"

"I don't think so. If the King's are going to win today they'll have to put some points on the board."

"I agree with Beef, Dan. The King's have to score points if they want to stay with the Monarchs today. If they can get in the endzone and hold the Kings to under 500 points, then they might have a chance."

"Then I take it you're both picking the Monarchs to win this one."

"If the Kings can get some pressure on the passer and control the line of scrimmage, then they could pull this off. But I just don't see that happening."

"I'd have to agree with Rick on that, though I think if their defense can manage to put a few of the Monarchs in the hospital, that would certainly take some of the pressure off of their offense. Otherwise, I think it could be a long day."

"Ok, when we come back we'll speak with King's coach Monte Jones and ask him his thoughts on today's game. And later we'll have a serious journalistic piece that's sure to stir some controversy. But first, these messages."

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"Welcome back. Monte Jones took over the coaching duties for the Kalawaza King's last season, and after getting off to a slow start has managed to put together a winning program based largely on defense and good players. Last week our Terence Tout sat down to have a few words with the coach."

"Monte Jones, welcome. Two seasons ago the King's had a dismal 1 and 15 record. Since you took over, however, their record has improved to 15 and 7 over the past season and a half. How do you account for the amazing turnaround you've seen in this team?"

"Well, a lot of it had to do with getting rid of lousy players and replacing them with ones who could play."

"Then you credit the players for making the difference?"

"Well, hell yeah. Who else am I going to credit? The cheerleaders?"

"What about your quarterback? Is there a quarterback controversy in Kalawaza?"

"No. Peters is my guy and it's his job to lead this team."

"What about today's game? What's your game plan against the Monarchs and do you mind if we broadcast it on national TV?"

"Our game plan is to control the line of scrimmage and make big plays. If we can do that then we have a chance to win this game."

"Are the players ready?"

"No, but rather than postpone the game I figure we'll just go ahead and play it anyways."

"Thank you Coach. Dan, back to you."

"Thanks Terence. Well guys, what do you think?"

"I think the coach is right, Dan. You can't postpone the game, so you're best off just playing it as scheduled."

"Well we'll see if that strategy pays off. Now we're going to break away from this shallow jock talk for while and do our serious journalistic segment. Jeffrey Payne, what controversial topic do you have for us today?"

"Dan, as you know Monarch's linebacker Thug Thomas was arrested last week on charges of murder, rape, sodomy, drug trafficking, weapons smuggling, and plotting to assisinate the President. Last week I talked to some of the people involved to get some idea on what happened and what it means for Thug's future. Here's what I found."

Wastewater, Illinois. When Thug Thomas first tried out for the Wastewater High Varsity Football Team the coaches knew they had something special. Coach Greg Johnson -

"Thug was something special."

So how did this 3 sport golden boy with such a bright future end up before a Mungoville Judge last week charged with murder, rape, sodomy, drug trafficking, weapons smuggling, and plotting to assisinate the President? We sat down with Thug and asked him that question

"I don't know. I just got in the car. I didn't know they were going to do that stuff."

"They", as we now know, were the Syrian Terrorist Group Al Aquilyou.

"They were just guys, you know, hanging out. They seemed alright to me. I didn't know they were terrorists or anything like that."

Unfortunately for Thug, the FBI had been investigating the terrorist group for months, and last week they raided the groups headquarters where they found guns, drugs, photographs and plans to assisinate the President. Thug surrendered to the authorities the following day and was arraigned last week. If convicted, he could be facing 300 years in prison.

"A very hard-hitting piece, Jeffrey, but tell me something. Where's the NFL in all this? Have they made any special statements on the matter?"

"No, nothing official Dan, but my sources tell me that they are very concerned not only for Thug but for his family as well. As you know these are very serious charges and we can't rule out fines and even a possible suspension if they prove to be true."

"Jeffrey Payne, thank you. We'll be sure to follow this story as the season goes along. Right now, though, let's go out to Diet Pepsi stadium and our announcers for todays game, Mouth Jensen and Bruiser Bejowczki. Gentlemen, what's the situation out there?"

"The fans have been waiting all week for this game, Dan, and there's a lot of excitement in the stadium today. We talked to the coaches and the players in the locker room and they seem to be excited too. As you can see the weather is perfect and it should be a great game today."

"Any last minute changes we should know about?"

"No."

"Ok. Well we're just minutes away from kickoff so we'll be getting back to you soon."

"Ok Dan."

"That was Mouth Jensen and Bruiser Bejowczki out at Diet Pepsi Stadium getting ready to bring you all the play-by-play action. And we'll be back to wrap things up right after this."

(beer commercial, razor blade commercial, car commerical, NFL Public Service Announcement about NFL players working with teachers and parents to combat toe fungus in school locker rooms)

"Dan Mann back here in the studio with Rick Razor and Beef Murphy, and a reminder to stay tuned for the NFL Halftime Report and the NFL Postgame Report where we'll bring all the scores and highlights of today's games. Until then, enjoy the game everybody. Now let's go out to Diet Pepsi Stadium for the Mungoville Monarchs and the Kalawaza Kings."