Dead Cat Searches the Want Ads


"Good afternoon."

"Hello. Uh, good afternoon."

"May I help you?"

"Yes. I'd like to be a terrorist."

"A what?"

"A terrorist. I heard you were looking for new recruits and I'd like to be a terrorist."

"I think maybe you have the wrong office."

"No, no. This is the place. A friend told me to come here."

"And this friend. He is CIA?"

"No. Not at all"

"I think maybe you are CIA?"

"No. Honest. I want to be a terrorist."

"MI-6?"

"Are you looking for terrorists or not? Because if you aren't I'm sure there's someone else down the street who'll want me."

"We are a highly secretive organization. Do you think we can't just let anyone walk in off the street and become a terrorist? Surely you can understand?"

"I want to wear high explosives and blow myself up."

"Yes, yes, of course you do. I understand, believe me. (sigh) Ok, I don't believe you are not CIA. And you are eager. Maybe I can be of some help. You say you want to be a terrorist. What are your qualifications? Do you have any references or prior experience?"

"References? No one told me I'd need references."

"Well, would you characterize yourself as ruthless? Sadistic? Brutally indifferent?"

"I don't know. I..."

"Intolerant? Fanatical? A slave to ideology?"

"I...uh...I..."

"Do you like to read Ann Coulter?"

"Why no."

"Too bad. Perhaps you are not the right type of person to be a terrorist."

"But..."

"Why do you want to be a terrorist anyways? What is your motivation?"

"To bring death to the infidels?"

"Yes, yes, but besides that. Why do you come here today? Is it power you seek?"

"No. I don't think so. "

"Is it fame? Your picture on TV?"

"No. Well, yeah, sure, that would be nice. I guess..."

"Is it martyrdom? Is that what you're after?"

"Yeah, that's it. Martyrdom. I want to be a martyr, you know."

"What do you know about martyrdom? Tell me."

"Well, it's like my friend was telling me. You blow yourself up and you get to be like a hero. And everyone praises you, and..."

"Yes."

"Well, my friend said that you get to sleep with 70 virgins."

"Uh-huh. The virgins. I thought so."

"Is it true? Do they really let you sleep with 70 virgins if you, you know, become a martyr."

"Well, not exactly. If you die a martyr then God will give you 70 virgins and 70 wives and everlasting happiness."

"You mean in heaven?"

"Yes. Of course."

"Oh, my friend didn't tell me that. You mean you gotta die first before they let you sleep with the virgins?"

"What did you think? You must die a martyr and then God will give you 70 virgins and everlasting happiness."

"Well that's a bunch of crap. Isn't there anyway I can sleep with the 70 virgins before I blow myself up?"

"No. How is this possible?"

"A loan, maybe. You know, like sleep with the virgins now and pay later. Can you do that? Can you get the virgins on credit?"

"You must die a martyr and then you will get the virgins. That is how it is written, that is how it must be."

"I see. Well that kind of puts a damper on things. So tell me. How can I be sure I'll get the virgins once I'm a martyred? I mean, is there a guarantee? Can I have it in writing?"

"It is God's word. That is enough."

"Yeah, right, well that's that I guess. How about this? Can I sleep with one virgin before I blow myself up? Just to see if I like it. "

"No. To do such a thing would be a sin against God. The Imam forbids it. We would have to cut off your head if such a thing were to happen."

"Alright, alright. Doesn't hurt to ask."

"A martyr's rewards will come to him. It is God's word."

"Ok, let's say I do decide to become a terrorist. What then?"

"We will train you and tie a bomb around your belly and send you somplace to blow yourself up."

"Like where. Where will you send me?"

"I don't know. London, Paris, America perhaps."

"America?"

"Yes, America."

"Ok, now I know you're BS'ing me. "

"What are you talking about?"

"You're going to send me to America, to be a martyr, so I can sleep with 70 virgins. Dude, where are you going to find 70 virgins in America?"

"The virgins will be in heaven, you stupid...Look, maybe you wouldn't make such a good terrorist after all. Please don't take offense but perhaps this is not a job for someone like you. "

"You got that right. I admit it sounded like fun at first, but geez, you didn't tell me I'd have to find 70 American virgins. Man, by the time I do that I'll be to old to be a terrorist. Listen, whatever you're name is, let me ask you something. What are you trying to accomplish with all these suicide attacks anyways?"

"Accomplish? Hah. Don't you see? The people tremble in terror and fear our wrath. The world will have to answer to our holy cause or suffer the consequences."

"Funny thing about that. See, I don't think the world is trembling in terror. I think right now the world is drinking a beer and watching football. Sure, you make the evening news but after the news is over the world just keeps getting fatter and richer while you hide out in bunkers and safe houses scared to death that someone's going to recognize you and drop a bomb on you. Seems to me like you're the ones living in fear, not them."

"This is jihad. We will not rest until the world gives us justice and surrenders to us all it's wealth and power."

"And you seriously think that's going to happen."

"Even if it takes one thousand years."

"And in the meantime you're just gonna keep blowing yourselves up."

"Yes, this is a holy cause."

"So is peace. So are mercy, tolerance and forgiveness."

"You do not understand. Please, do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"Read Ann Coulter."