Pity Is For The Living, Envy Is For The Dead

"Well doc, how's it look?"

"You mean the blood test?"

"Yeah. Better or worse this time?"

"More of the same, I'd say. LDL too high, HDL too low, triglycerides off the chart. Blood pressure looks good, but you know, according to these numbers you ought to be dead by now. I don't know how you do it."

"Just stubborn, I guess."

"Been watching you're diet like I told you."

"Sure... I mean, yeah...of course."

"And the exercise."

"Well, I'm no Bruce Jenner but I do try to walk everyday."

"That's good...everyday?"

"Oh you know, this lousy weather and all. It's hard to get motivated when it's raining all the time. But yeah, most days... Some days."

"How many days?"

"I don't know. Most days, I guess."

"I don't know why you seem to think you've got all this time to take care of this problem. I mean, I can read you the numbers and tell you what you've got to do, but in the end it's up to you to take of yourself. After all, it's going to be your funeral, not mine."

(Ok, ok, here we go. I thought I was going to get through this without a lecture this time)

"You know, doc, it's hard. It's like...well suppose you told someone not to be thirsty. I mean, suppose you told them if they ever took another drink of water they were going to die an early death. Suppose you told them 'whatever you do, don't think about h0w thirsty you are. Don't think about your mouth being dry, don't think about swallowing. Just don't think about thirst.' You know what'd happen if you told someone that? Of course you do. I guarantee that all they're going to think about from that point on is how thirsty they are. No matter how hard they try, that's all they'll be thinking, and the more they try not to think about it the more of an obsession it becomes, until finally they grab a jug of water and gulp the whole thing down just so they can stop thinking about it."

"But we're not talking about a jug of water, we're talking about your chloresterol and your triglycerides and how if you don't start doing something about your diet and your exercise you'll be headed straight for some serious problems down the road."

"You know what I read today? I read that they did a study at Michigan State that found out that only 3% of the adults surveyed lead what doctors would consider a healthy lifestyle. Only 3% that didn't smoke, that ate right, that exercised daily and that kept their weight down."

"So that's you're excuse?"

"No, that's not my excuse. I'm just saying that if I'm screwing up then there are about 290 million other people in this country who are screwing up just as bad. Maybe it's not so easy being pink and healthy, you know?"

"That's a good one. I guess we should all just sit on our asses and stuff pizzas and ice cream down our throats all day. That's your solution to this problem?"

"I don't eat pizza and I don't eat ice cream and I don't sit around on my ass all day. C'mon, I'm making progress, aren't I?"

"Yeah, you're doing better than you were before, but you're not where I'd like to see you. We just need to bring these numbers down some more. But like I said, it's you're funeral."

"I feel fine doc. It's not like I'm nauseous and dizzy and coughing up blood or anything like that. I promise, I'll work on it"

"I want to see you again in a month."

"A month!?"

(Geez. Why don't I just set up a cot in the waiting room and you can come in and be my conscious every morning.)

"Yeah, and I want another blood test. We'll keep going with the same meds for now, but I want you to try to control your diet and keep going with your exercise. "

"Yeah, got it. See you next month."

(Not much of a blog, but I just want all the yunguns out there to know what they have to look forward to as they start that steady decline into decrepitude. Don't say I didn't warn you, and don't be suprised if you find yourself in a doctor's office someday having this same conversation. Just remember, you won't be young forever so...enjoy that pizza and ice cream while you can.)