Don't Know Much About Geometry


At one time the U.S. stood at number 3 in terms of broadband internet penetration. We then fell to number 4 and have kept on falling all the way to our current position at number 11 on the per capita broadband internet penetration list. We also lag in the average speed of our broadband connections with Japan coming in number 1 at 26 Megabits per second as compared to the U.S.'s 1.5 Megabit per second, making the average Japanese broadband connection about 17 times faster than the average U.S. broadband connection.

In other words, in the internet arena the country that has always sat at the center of the whole hi-tech revolution is slowly slipping behind the rest of the world. Not technologically backwards, of course, just failing to keep up with many of the other developed countries, particularly in Asia.

What does this all mean? Beats me.

In other news, school districts around the country are clamping down on the teaching of evolution in the classroom. While not imposing an outright evolution ban, school boards are requiring that in the name of fairness and balance, students should be told that evolution is only some poppycock atheistic heathen theory that is a slap in the face to God and religion and all the good and moral people of the world. "How can anyone that loves their mother" the students are asked "believe in this evolution crap."

Although it is only a rumor, there is also a movement underway in legislatures across America's heartland not only to prohibit the teaching of the theory of evolution, but to make evolution itself illegal as well. If successful, any species found mutating in those states with anti-evolution statutes in place will be in violation of the law and remanded to the hereafter for further judgement and reprisal. I asked the President about this.

"Good morning, Mr. President."

"Good morning Bill."

"Mr. President, there has been a great deal of movement in many state legislatures around the country to outlaw the evolution of the species. How do you feel about that and do you support these moves?"

"Well, no, um, I don't think it's, um, proper for states to act indepently on this matter. I think what we need is some action on the, er, federal level to have a national...uh, what we need is a law. A federal law, that will put these mutating species on notice, er, um...Well I'll tell you, I think they ought to go to jail."

"I notice you're using a lot of um's and er's, Mr. President, in that sort of exaggerated Texas townhall meeting style you affect whenever you're trying to sell us something. You know, like when you're talking about Social Security reform, for instance."

"The American people know that I'm, um...We're all just folks."

"I see. Then am I correct in saying that you do support the illegalization of evolution, but on a national rather than state level."

"Yes that's right. I'm not ashamed of my beliefs. As you know I believe in a faith based, uh...We can't let these species go on mutating, Bill. That's just not part of God's plan."

"Mr. President, if we do stop the evolutionary process, that is, if we do stop genetic mutations, where will that leave the country? Will we fall behind the rest of the world in terms of adaptability and resistance to disease and things like that?"

"Well you see Bill, that's a misperception that's out there among the heathen scientist community. We don't have to adapt because species don't evolve. Just the other day I was talking to Karl Rove about this and he confirmed to me that that's a view supported by a majority of the American people as well. "

"You mean, Mr. President, that Karl Rove is as highly evolved as mankind is ever going to get?"

"Yes, and the American people support me in that. I think we all want to see more scientists go to jail, and I think a federal law outlawing evolution could be a, er, first step. Go out to Kansas or Ohio or North Carolina and I think you'll see that folks agree."

"Thank you Mr. President."

"Aw, er, um...shucks."

And now just one more item from the medical file. The American Association for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery reports that there were 11.9 million cosmetic procedures performed in the United States in 2004. Leading the list were 2,837,346 botox injections, 478,251 liposuctions and 334,052 breast augmentations, an increase of 44 percent over the number of cosmetic procedures performed in 2003. Which means, of course, that although we might not be as internet connected as others and we might be turning out the lights on scientific progress, our skin is wrinkle-free and we've got lots of cleavage.

Somehow, I can't work up much outrage over that.