On The Evolution Of The Species

Enough about me. What I want to know is how do YOU pass the time when you're having your bowel movements? Do you just sit there? Do you talk on the phone? Do you read? Oh no, don't tell me you're one of those people who scribble things on the wall. You are? Why? Is it boredom? Is it the illicit thrill of writing forbidden words? Is it because the visceral feel of having your underwear wrapped around your ankles just somehow brings out your natural expressive instincts? Well, I have a theory about this, and like it or not you're gonna hear it.

My theory is that there are three kinds of people in this world. The first are the happy and carefree Bruce Willis types who truly enjoy their bowel movement and joyfully, and sometimes quite poetically, sing its praises. The second are the serious and self-important Jerry Falwell types who find their bowel movement humiliating and dirty and often write cruel, smutty missives full of foul language and hateful speech as a means of venting their feelings of disgust and debasement. There are a lot of those types around these days. And then there is the third type. People like me who find their bowel movement a necessary inconvenience and would rather be done with the process entirely, or at least as quickly as possible. We don't write on the walls of toilet stalls and merely wonder at those who do, generally keeping our opinions to ourselves and spending our creative energies on more urgent and pressing matters.

Like blogging, which, after all, is just the internet equivalent of toilet stall graffiti. Well, this blog is at least.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand, I think it's true that most of us who don't write spend our bowel time reading newspapers and magazines and books and things like that. I know I do and I really get tired of the remark you hear sometimes.

"Geez, what were you doing in there? Reading a Book?"

To which I reply,

"Well...yeah, actually I was. What do you do when you're in there? Draw dirty pictures?"

What can I say. I read when I'm in there, and I think some of my most peaceful literary moments have come while perched upon that throne. Peaceful, that is, when I remember to bring along something to read. Oftentimes I forget and when that happens I usually find the experience anything but peaceful. I don't know if you've ever been in that situation, but when I don't have anything to read in there I desperately start looking around for something to occupy my eyeballs. A medicine bottle, a tube of toothpaste, a can of hairspray - anything. Something with printing on it so that I can get my mind off of the business at hand.

Which brings me to the real subject of this blog. You see, there I was today, sitting in my usual spot with nothing to read and panic setting in, when I turned to the right and what should I see but a stick of anti-perspirant sitting next to the sink. Perfect, I thought, and so I picked it up and started reading.

Warning! For external use only.

Ok, I wasn't planning on eating it anyways.

Uses: Reduces underarm wetness.

Well, that's sort of stating the obvious, isn't it. And then I read the next paragraph.

Active Ingredient: Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex.

That's when I freaked out. I mean, did you know know that they were putting Aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrex in that stuff? I know I didn't, and if I did I certainly would have insisted on an explanation. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you came home and there was some scientist in your bathroom telling you

"Mr. Myers, we have some bad news for you. Our team has detected high concentrations of Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex in you bathroom."

"Well get it out of there, dammit!"

"Please don't be alarmed Mr. Myers. It's perfectly safe."

"Like hell it is. If you don't get that stuff out of there I'm gonna call the cops, and then I'm call my congressman, and then I'm gonna call my lawyer. You understand what I'm saying to you."

But I'm just being foolish, aren't I? Of course it's safe. A little Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex never hurt anyone. What it really points out is how strange an animal we human beings really are. I mean, just think about it. You never see apes or monkeys or any of your other lower primates rubbing Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex over their skin and into their hairy pores, do you. No, of course not. Only homo sapiens does that, and I bet the rest of the animal kingdom has got to be scratching their heads and thinking what a really weird thing that is to do. Just imagine the scene if chimpanzee teachers were to take their students on field trips to the zoo to see the humans on display.

"Teacher, teacher, what's that man doing?"

"Oh well, you see, human beings are very clean animals, dear. When they get up in the morning they always wash themselves off with water and coat their skins with Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex."

"But why teacher, why?"

"We're not really sure, dear, but we think it part of the mating process. You see, millions of years of evolution have taught male humans that female humans are less likely to reject them as potential mates if they don't smell like day old underwear. We believe that the Aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex helps mask this smell and make the females more receptive to the male's advances."

"I don't understand teacher?"

"Neither do I, dear. But the animal world is full of many strange and mysterious things."

"Yeah, that's really weird. But teacher, if humans are so clean then why is that male over there bending over and picking his toes. Why is he doing that, teacher. Why?"

"Which male? Where dear?"

"Over there teacher. Don't you see him. Eeew, he's picking crud out from under his toenails and sniffing it with his nose. Eeewwww..."

"Oh, yes, I see him. That is disgusting, isn't it. I tell you what - why don't we go over and look at the tigers now. Ok?"

"Eeeeeewwwww...."

Well, I'm sure I've just brushed the surface of this topic. Some of you may want to do some further research on your own so I recommend a visit to www.speedstick.com. It's really a wonderful resource full of FAQ's and product news and even a product selection tool for those of you who may be wondering just what anti-persperant is right for you. One more resource you might try is Colgate World of Care which answers a question I know I've often asked.

"What anti-persperant is rec0mmended for vegetarians?"

Well, if you want to know the answer is here.