Diogenes Calls It A Day

And so it came to pass that I grew tired of this life - tired of the hypocrisy, the money grubbing, the sycophants and ass-kissers - and became a wanderer and seeker of truth. Through countless towns and villages I travelled, through cities and farms, across oceans and continents, everywhere asking "where is meaning, where is truth" and finding none. Till one day I came to rest beside a small stream and spied a small water nymph.

"Oh water nymph", I cried in desperation, "where is the truth? I've searched everywhere but all I've found is obfuscation and lies. Is there no truth to be found in this world?"

Crushed and disheartened I lay my head down in the tall grass and began to sob. To my amazement a voice spoke to me.

"If you seek the truth, o' wanderer, then you must travel far from here and find the 'true path'. Only the 'true path' that can lead you to the land of enlightenment and self-knowledge."

Stunned, I looked around to find the speaker of these words, but there was no one. I looked upstream and downstream, I searched the trees and bushes and scanned the horizon as far as the eye could see, and yet not a soul could I find. Finally, looking down into the water I saw it was none other than the water nymph who addressed me.

"Water nymph", I cried, "is it you who has spoken so wisely just now?"

"Yes", said the water nymph. "Leave this place and find the 'true path'. It is there to the east, beyond the river and the sea. Find the 'true path' my son and all your wanderings will be over."

Full of promise and hope I thanked the water nymph and began my journey to find the 'true path'. And it was there in the east, just as he had said. Eagerly I began to walk down the path of enlightenment, and so it was that after several days journey the path ended and I found myself in front of a great iron gate. Nearby, a small hut stood in a clearing and anxiously I entered. Inside it was dark and musty and I spied a bearded old man smoking a pipe beside a fire.

"Are you the source of all truth?" I asked him.

"Oh, ho, ho, heavens no my son. I am merely a poor gatekeeper. Is it the truth you are looking for?"

"Yes, Mr. Gatekeeper, and I've travelled so very far. Tell me, how much farther is it till I find the real, honest, everlasting truth?"

"Oh, you are very close my son. I can see you have travelled very far and now I will tell you your wandering is almost over. Hear these words. Past this gate you will find the 'Mountain of Lies ', and know this - before you can enter the realm of truth you must ascend this mountain, and the climb is perilous and slippery and full of danger and deceit. "

"I will climb this mountain" I cried. "I am not afraid."

"You are very brave, my son", said the old man, "and know this - at the top of the mountain you will find an altar. And within the altar you will find the Oracle. Ask the Oracle for guidance and he will answer you with the truth for which you seek."

Excited and confused I thanked the old man and passed through the gate to begin my climb up the 'Mountain of Lies'. Though my hands were cut and bruised, though my eyes were stung from wind and sand, though my toes were frozen with frosbite, still I climbed, higher and higher, till at last I dragged my beaten and broken body up to the very peak of the mountain. And there I saw it. Bright and golden, gleaming in the distance, stood the altar of the Oracle of Truth. Numbed from exhaustion I gathered all my remaining strength and walked down the gentle slope towards the golden light. As I approached I could see inside the altar, with his back to me, the form and figure of the Oracle. In white robes he sat, a halo of light circling his head, and as I approached I tingled with excitement for finally my search for the truth had ended. I circled in front of him and slowly his face came into view. So this was the face of truth, I thought, so this is face of all that is honest and pure, so this is...

"Jose Canseco?"

"Can I help you my son?"

"Jose Canseco! You're the Oracle of Truth?"

"Yes, let there be no more lies. Did you come seeking the Truth?"

"B...b...b...but Jose, you can't be the Oracle of Truth. I know you. I grew up in the Bay Area. You were always a lying, greedy, self-aggrandizing jerk. How can you now be the Oracle of Truth?"

"Easy - I wrote a book. Now is there something you wanted to ask me? Is there some truth you want revealed?"

"Uh, yeah. Um, I guess so. Let me see. Ok, I got one. Tell me oh great Oracle of Truth, what is the true secret to happiness?"

"Do you have a major credit card?"

"Excuse me."

"A major credit card. I'll need your credit card before I can answer that. I take VISA, Mastercard, or American Express."

"But I don't have a credit card. I left behind all worldly things and material goods when I climbed up this mountain."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that", said the Oracle. "Maybe you can come back later."

"But you said you'd answer my question."

"Well, things are different now, aren't they? Please, why don't you go back and get your wallet and then we'll talk about this later."

"But..."

"Please, you're holding up the line. Please. Step aside and let someone else have a turn."

And so I left, my poor heart full of sorrow and regret. To come so close and not bring a major credit card. How could I be so stupid. But at least I got to see the truth, to almost touch it even. Imagine that. Jose Canseco, the great Oracle of Truth. Who'd have figured.