Stay Tuned, the Weather is Next


You know when there's nothing else to talk about you can always talk about the weather. Fact is I've been thinking of picking up a few extra bucks on the side by starting my own little South Bay internet weatherman school. I figure for around 5 or 6 grand a pop it shouldn't be too hard to teach any hopefuls out there the basics of South Bay weathermaning. After all, we really only have 3 different kinds of weather down here so how hard can it be? I've even worked out a little course outline and broken it down into 3 easy-to-learn lessons. Feel free to take a look and let me know if you'd be interested in signing up.

My first lesson will cover "foggy at the coast turning to sunny inland." That forecast will work for about 9 months out of the year and is really the only thing any South Bay weatherman needs to know to get started in the weatherman business. Of course people will get bored if you just get on the air and say "foggy at the coast turning to sunny inland" everyday, so I'll also throw in a few pointers on how to break things up a little. For instance, you could say "for you folks at the coast, look for foggy conditions to persist throughout the day tomorrow, and for you folks farther inland, expect plenty of sunshine." You know, embellish it a little and make it sound authoritative and official.

My second lesson will cover "We have a cold front moving in from the Gulf of Alaska but this ridge of high pressure should keep it well to the north of us." That's an important one to know for when winter comes along. You also need to add a "Expect cooler temperatures with a slight chance of showers in the North Bay" if you use this one, but don't overdo it. Just say "ridge of high pressure" and most Bay Areans will know what you mean.

My third and final lesson will cover the rarely used "Expect rain to start overnight in the North Bay and gradually work it's way throughout the entire Bay Area by tomorrow evening." This one's tricky, though, because it can be raining buckets in Santa Rosa and still be bone dry down in the South Bay. If you're a South Bay weatherman and you're going to stick your neck out with this one then you better qualify it by saying something like "Look for heavy preciptation tomorrow, mainly in the North Bay, tapering off by tomorrow evening." Notice the difference?

First of all, instead of using the word "rain" it's always better to say "precipitation" because no one knows what that means. "Precipitation" could be anything from a heavy dew to a category 5 hurricane, so you're not really comitted to anything. That way, when you get angry letters the next day because the rainstorm never came you can always reply "I didn't say it was going to rain, I said it was going to precipitate." Clever, huh? And second of all, never come out and explicitly say that it's going to rain in the South Bay - say "taper off" instead. Don't commit to anything and you'll be just fine.

And whoops, that'll be the course. I know it's kind of quick, but it does contain just about everything you need to know to get started. Three easy lessons and you too could be on your way to an exciting career as a South Bay weather forecaster. And even better, as an added bonus for those who complete the course (and whose checks don't bounce) I'll even add at no extra charge the secret weather phrase that every professional weatherman knows is the key to success in this business. You've probably heard it used a million times and I know it always makes me want to jump out of my chair, stick my hands through the TV screen and strangle the weatherman when I hear him/her use it, but just ask any weatherman how they made it to the top and they'll all tell you the same thing. Know the secret phrase. Know the secret phrase. And if you sign up for the course I'll let you know the phrase as well.

Pretty sneaky, huh?

Oh, alright, I won't keep you in suspense. I'll tell you the phrase but you've got to promise that you won't divulge it to anyone else or use it in a manner that would violate the sacred weatherman's bond. You promise? Ok, the secret weather phrase is.... "on tap". "On tap?", you say, what's so special about that? What makes that phrase so powerful? I don't know, but successful weathermen everywhere use it, and you need only look at the results to appreciate its power.

Try practicing these phrases at home and see if you don't agree:

"Looks like more of the same on tap for tomorrow."
"Let's go to the map and see what's on tap for your morning commute."
"It's gonna start out foggy, but by the afternoon their should be plenty of sunshine on tap."
"Looking at our 5 day forecast looks like there's more hot weather on tap for the remainder of your week."

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. You hear it all the time but never realized how powerful it was, did you? In fact it's so powerful that Webster's has recently added "on tap" as a synonym for "what's the weather going to be like tomorrow", and not only in America but throughout the world. It's true. You could be in Nepal climbing Mt. Everest and even your Sherpa carrier would understand.

"What's the weather gonna be like up there tomorrow?"
"Huh?"
"The weather. What's the forecast for tomorrow?"
"What?"
"Tomorrow's weather. Do you think we could hit any storms?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand."
"On tap. On tap."
"Oh, Cold and windy with a slight chance of morning precipitation tapering off by afternoon. There is a cold front moving in from the Gulf of Alaska but this ridge of high pressure should keep it well to the north of us. Expect fog at the coast and sunny conditions further inland. "

Well that's it for me, now it's back to you folks in the newsroom.