My Date With Olympia (with apologies to Hoffman)

One thing I never do is mess around on my main machine. When people ask me why I need three computers I tell them - I have a laptop for portability, I have a play machine that I experiment with and try new things on, and I have my main machine with all my important programs and data on it. And one thing I never do is mess around on my main machine. This is one of two unspoken rules I have when it comes to my computers. I never mess around with my main machine being the first, and I always keep my main machine backed up is the second. I'm very strict about this because I don't want to put my important data at risk. It's a pain and a bother sometimes, but you have to be disciplined if you want to be safe.

So, anyways, last night around dinner time I was messing around on my main machine. Well, I wasn't really messing around because that's something I never do with my main machine. No, I was just going to try out this one little thing, and it would only take a couple of minutes so there wasn't any chance of anything going wrong. Nope, that's not breaking my rule, it was perfectly safe.

Well, to make a long story short, about 1 am in the morning I finally got through to tech support to try and figure out what happened to my machine. Everytime I tried to boot it gave me an "Operating System Not Found" error, and reinstalling Windows wasn't working because the installation program kept telling me I didn't have any hard drives. I tried every trick I knew but nothing was working. And I was scared. I mean I've been playing with computers for almost my entire adult life, and this was the first time in a long, long time where I actually didn't know what to do. So, I called tech support and after holding for an hour or so I finally got through.

"Hello, can I have your customer code please."
"Sure, it's blah blah blah blah."
"Thank you, you're name please."
"Blah blah blah."
"Thank you, what seems to be the problem."

I was expecting one of those foreign sounding people you get when you call customer service these days, but this guy was good. I mean he sounded like a sk8tr boy from L.A. So I explained my problem. Computer won't boot, hard drive is MIA, and can't install Windows.

"Did you install the SATA drivers?" he asked me.

(The SATA drivers? They have SATA drivers nowdays? Geez, I don't want this guy to think I'm new or something)

"The SATA drivers? No, say come to think of it, I don't think I did."
"Well sir, you have to install the SATA drivers before you can install Windows. What are you - NEW?"
"No I'm not N- ... Hey look here you punk kid, I've been crashing systems since before you were born. "
"I'm sure you have sir. Let's try installing the SATA drivers and then see what happens."
"Yeah, ok, I was gonna do that but I didn't think it was necessary. Let's see, I need the diskette for that, don't I?"

(Then I hear a pause which can only mean one thing. He's got a lamer on the line and figures he's gonna need to go real slow with this one.)

"Yes, just put the diskette in the drive. Boot from the CD and when the program asks you to press F6 to install the SATA drivers, press F6 and follow the screens."
"Yeah, I know, I know. I've reinstalled Windows hundreds of times before."
"Yes, I'm sure you have sir."

(Yeah, I caught that little sarcastic remark. You think you're pretty smart, don't you kid. Well tell me something, sk8tr boy, if you're so smart how come you're doing tech support on the graveyard shift. I mean, shouldn't a genius like you be out stealing peoples credit card numbers or something.)

"Well that seemed to fix the problem. Thanks for the help"
"Anytime. Have a good night."

So that was that. SATA drivers - didn't think of that. Now all I had to do was activate my copy of Windows. So I go to the website and they tell me there's a problem and give me a phone number to call. By now it's around 2 am but I want to get my computer working so I call and I get their automated activation service. And let me tell you, it's kind of cool. The installation program gives you 8 sets of six digit numbers that you speak into the phone to their computer on the other end, and each time you finish a set of numbers a little doorbell rings and the computer says (in a very sexy voice) "good job". I don't know about anyone else, but it was a real ego trip for me.

"Please speak your first set of numbers"
"654455"
Ding dong "Good Job!"
(Why thank you. Nice of you to say that)
"Please speak your second set of numbers"
"322694"
Ding dong "Good Job!"
(It was nothing really. I've always had good diction)
"Please speak your third set of numbers"
"198654"
Ding dong "Good Job!"
(Oh please, now you're making me blush)
"Please speak your fourth set of numbers"
"547683"
Ding dong "Good Job!"
(You know, for a computer you're really very nice. I was feeling kind of upset when I called but after speaking with you - I don't know. I feel pretty good about myself now)
"Please speak your fifth set of numbers"
"857622"
Ding dong "Good Job!"
(Man, I like talking to you. You're always so positive. Hey, how about you and I getting together a little later)
"Please speak your sixth set of numbers"
"943566"
Ding dong "Good Job!"
(No, I'm serious. What time do you get off?)
"Please speak your seventh set of numbers"
(Again with the numbers. Ok)
"746522"
Ding dong "Good Job!"
(That was a good job, wasn't it. Yep, I guess I'm just about the best number-sayer around. But no one ever noticed before you came along. That's just it, don't you see. No one ever really appreciated me the way you do. I know you're just a computer, but... I think I love you)
"Almost through. Please speak your eighth set of numbers"
"087685"
Ding dong "Good Job! This concludes your Windows activation. You may now press the Finish button to continue"
(That's it. Just press Finish and pretend that none of this ever happened. No, I can't. I can't, I tell ya. Please, computer, don't let it end this way. If you walk away now, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. Computer, are you there? Computer? Computer...)

And that was that. I got my computer back. I loaded the drivers and all the basic software I needed to get going again, and then I looked out the window and could see the night sky starting to fade to blue. The clock said 5 am and I had to be at work in three hours, but my main machine was up and running again. And so I got about an hour and a half of sleep before I dragged myself off to work, and all day long I just dragged and dragged, and now I'm home and I should be sleeping, but...

(sigh) how can I sleep with this broken heart.