Father Knows Best

"Uh, dad, can we talk to you for a second?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"Nothing...we just have something we need to talk to you about, that's all."

"Well...ok, just let me get cleaned up a little first. Where's your mother?"

"I thnk she's in the kitchen."

(Dad leaves the room. The two kids are left alone)

"What are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something."

"He's going to be mad."

"No he's not, and besides, we have to tell him. He's gonna find out anyway."

"You and your stupid friends. I can't believe I listened to you."

"They're not my friends, and you're the one who said we should do it."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not. It was your stupid idea."

"Was not."

"Was so."

"Was not..."

(Dad reenters the room)

"Okay then, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Well...um..."

"Yes? What is it? Did something happen at school today?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just that..."

"C'mon Freddie, I haven't got all day. What did you want to talk to me about? Fannie? What is it?"

"Well you see dad, Freddie and I were wondering if...if..."

"If what?"

"If maybe somehow you might want to give us an advance on our allowance."

"An advance? Do you need some money for school? I'll give it to you. You don't need to spend your allowance."

"No, it's not that."

"Well then, what is it? What do you need the money for?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? It's got to be something?"

"We'll pay you back and all. I mean, we already told mom we'd clean the house and she said ok, and we'll even do the laundry if we have to. We promise."

"Uh-huh. I see. Well that's certainly nice of you two to offer to help your mother out around the house, but I'm a little surprised at this sudden outburst of industriousness and responsibility."

"We want to do it. Honest."

"Fannie, there's something you're not telling me. C'mon now, why do you two need an advance on your allowance? Tell me the truth."

"What do you mean?"

"Fannie - I asked you what's the money for."

"Can't you just give it to us?"

"Are you two in some kind of trouble?"

"No, it's nothing like that."

"Freddie? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No...I mean not really...I mean...we kind of owe some people some money, that's all."

"Kind of owe which people some money?"

"These banker guys. You know, foreigners and pension plan guys."

"Foreigners and pension plan guys? Why do you owe foreigners and pension plan guys money?"

"Umm..."

"Freddie - I asked you a question."

"Well...you see...we had to borrow some money from these foreigners and pension plan guys so that we could loan it to some mortgage guys."

"You what? Ok, let's back up here. First tell me how much money you owe these people?"

"I don't know. About (mumble) dollars."

"What? I didn't catch that. How much do you owe?"

"About 15 trillion dollars, I guess."

"About 15 trillion dollars you 'guess', but you don't know."

"Not really. It's complicated."

(Fannie interrupts)

"It's not that much dad. Freddie's just being a moron. Most of that money's going to be paid back. We don't really owe that much."

"Well then Fannie, why don't you enlighten me. If it's not 15 trillion dollars then how much do you owe?"

"I'm not sure. It all depends. If the money we lent to the mortgage people gets paid back then we won't owe anything 'cause we'll be making money. You see?"

"No I don't see. Why are you lending people money in the first place? And where did you get 15 trillion dollars?"

"We got it from these foreigners and pension plan guys, and we use the money to buy loans from the mortgage guys who lend it to people so they can buy houses. Then we guarantee and sell the loans we buy to more foreigners and pension plan guys and pocket a little for ourselves."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is that some of that money got lent to people who couldn't really pay it back."

"You lent money to people who couldn't pay it back?"

"Sort of."

"I don't understand. Why did you lend money to people who can't pay it back?"

"It was Freddie's idea."

(Freddie stands up)

"Was not my idea."

"Was so."

"Was not. Dad, Fannie's lying."

"Am not."

"Are so."

(Dad's had enough)

"That's enough! Now both of you sit down. Right now!"

(They quiet down. Dad continues.)

"I don't care who's idea it was. You took money from foreigners and pension plan guys and gave it to people who couldn' pay it back, and now you've got to find some money to pay back the people you borrowed from. Right?"

"..."

"Right?"

"Sort of."

"No, not 'sort of'. That's exactly what you did, and now you want me to help you clean up this mess. Right?"

"..."

"Well, I've got news for you. As far as I'm concerned you're responsible for what's happened and it's up to you, not me, to fix it. You hear me? That's your responsibility. I want you to go talk to your foreigners and pension plan guys and tell them you're sorry but you might not be able to pay them back the money you owe. Explain what happened, just like you did to me. They won't like it, but things like this happen sometimes. Afterwards, maybe you can think of some way to make it up to them. In the meantime, I don't want either one of you to make any more loans or borrow any more money. Is that clear?"

"Yeah, ok, but..."

"But what?"

"But...it's just that...you see...we kind of promised."

"Promised what?"

"We promised them if we couldn't pay the money back that they could bill you for what they were owed."

"They could bill me?"

"Yeah. We promised. We had to. They wouldn't have lent us the money if we didn't."

"Oh they wouldn't. Well isn't that just too damn bad. Sorry boys and girls, but I never promised them anything. If they want to collect anything from me then they can talk to my lawyer. Capiche? You tell them I'm not paying them a dime."

"But you can't do that."

"Oh yeah, just watch me."

"No, I mean you can't do that."

"What do you mean I can't do that?"

"Because we're your kids. They said that makes you, you know, responsible."

"Who said?"

"Everybody. You see dad, half the mortgages in the country wouldn't get made if it weren't for our, I mean 'your' guarantee. Everyone knows that. If you don't make sure the foreigners and pension plan guys get paid, then the whole housing market could collapse."

"Are you crazy? Are the both of you out of your flippin' minds? You think I've got 15 trillion dollars just laying around the house that I can pay to a bunch of foreigners and pension plan guys because my kids decided to go out and start lending money to people who can't pay it back? Are you out of your flippin' minds?"

"You don't have to pay back the entire 15 trillion. Most of the loans are good."

"Oh. 'Most of the loans are good'. That's great. I don't feel so bad now. Gee, and I was getting worried there for a minute."

"You don't have to get sarcastic."

"I'll get as sarcastic as I damn well please. I'm still your father you know."

"..."

"Tell me something, if your so sure I won't have to pay back the entire 15 trillion then exactly how much will I have to pay?"

"We told you. We don't know for sure."

"Well, Fannie, then why don't you give me your best guess."

"Maybe only about 200 billion or so."

"Oh. Maybe only 200 billion or so? Is that all? Why didn't you say so in the first place? No problem. No problemioso. Let me just check underneath the sofa cushions for some loose change."

"You're mad at us, aren't you?"

"..."

"We're sorry."

"You bet your little behinds your sorry, but not nearly as sorry as your gonna be when you get finished paying this money back. And you are going to pay me back. You hear what I'm saying to you. From now on I own you and you're going to pay me back every last penny."

"It won't be 200 billion. It probably won't even be close. That's just worst case."

"Let's see. How much is your allowance? 20 bucks a week. If you pay me back 20 dollars a week then you should have this paid back in, hmm, around 19 billion years. How's that sound? Does 19 billion years sound right to you?"

"Daaaaaad...."

"You think I'm kidding? You think this is some kind of a joke? Ok, how about if both of you just skip your suppers tonight and go straight up to your rooms instead. That way maybe the hunger pains can help you focus on figuring out how you're gonna come up with 200 billion dollars to pay me back."

"That isn't fair."

"What isn't fair? This?"

"We didn't do anything wrong. We were just trying to help people."

"Help people? By lending them money they couldn't pay back? You weren't helping them, you were taking advantage of them. There's a big difference Fannie. Maybe when you're sitting up there in your room you can think about that a little too."

"We didn't know they weren't going to pay it back. Anyway, it was the mortgage people who lent them the money. We just bought the loans."

"I don't care. You should have known. You should have known what you were buying. Ignorance is no excuse. You hear me? You hear what I just said?"

"Yeah, we heard you."

"What did I say?"

"Ignorance is no excuse."

"That's right. Geez, what a mess. How could you be so dumb?"

"..."

"Taking trillions of dollars from people and lendng it to people who couldn't pay it back. What were you thinking?"

"..."

"Wait till I tell your mother. She's not going to be happy. Is she?"

"..."

"No, she's going to be spittin' mad. For crying out loud, how could you do something like this? Huh? Why didn't you ask me before you started lending these people money? You could have asked me first before you started throwing all this money around. Didn't you think of that?"

"..."

"Up to your room - both of you. And let's just hope you learned a valuable lesson from all this."

"We're sorry."

"I know you are, but you've got to learn to be more careful."

"We will be."

"Go on. And if any of your friends call you can tell 'em you're both grounded. Is that clear?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

"Dad?"

"What."

"There is one more thing."

"What's that?"

"We both had contracts. You know, employment contracts."

"So?"

"So, if you're going to ground us you have to pay us our severance."

"For what?"

"For our hard work and stewardship."

"And just how much is that worth?"

"Well, Freddie gets 14 million dollars and I get 9. It's only fair."

"You think that's fair?"

"It's in our contracts."

"Well, I'll tell you what. How about I throw both of you in the river. That way, as your next of kin, that money would come to me. That would be fair, wouldn't it, seeing as I'm paying all this money to bail you out."

"Oh dad..."

"..."

"You're not serious are you?"

(exasperated sigh) "Don't worry, you'll get your 25 million. After all, it's in your contract."

"Thanks dad. You're the best."

"What's fair is fair. That's what Dad's are for."