The Prince and the Pauper

"Hey! What the ... How did you get in here?"

"Sorry Senator, but the door was open. I thought it would be ok."

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No. You see I just wanted to talk to you for a sec..."

"Justin... Justin... JUSTIN!"

(a reply comes from another room)

"Yes Senator?"

"Justin. Who let this person in my office?"

(Justin enters the room)

"What? Hey, you can't be in here."

"If you don't mind I just wanted to ask the Senator a few questions."

(Justin replies)

"Look, you'll have to leave. No one is allowed in here without an appointment."

"But..."

"I said you'll have to leave. Do you understand?"

"Sure, I understand. I'm going, ok? But, first I wanted to ask the Senator a few questions. It'll only take a minute. I promise."

(Now the Senator starts speaking)

"What did you want to talk to me about? If you need a pass to visitor's gallery Justin can get you one from the front desk."

"No, I wanted to ask you about health care reform."

"I don't discuss policy - not without an appointment."

"But I'm one of your constituents. Don't you have time to talk a voter?"

"Yeah, sure. What's this really about? A hospital? A clinic? Let me guess, you need some help from Washington. A few dollars to get you going, or waiver of some kind. Right?"

"No, nothing like that. I just..."

"Justin, maybe you should explain the proper procedures to this gentleman."

(Justin turns to me)

"The senator is always glad to listen to the needs of his constituents, but you've got to understand that the senator is a very busy man and there are lots of people asking for his time. He can't just talk to every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes walking into his office. Of course, if someone was to do the senator a little favor, then I'm sure he'd be happy to offer whatever assistance he could."

"A favor? Like what?"

"Oh any little thing. It doesn't have to be much."

"You mean money? You want me to give the Senator some money?"

"No, no, no. A favor is all he asks."

"Well, I could give him twenty bucks."

Twenty dollars? Is that some kind of a joke? You're offering us twenty ..."

(The Senator bursts out laughing)

"Ah hell, Justin. Let the man have his say. Besides, twenty bucks might come in handy. Tell you what, just put the money on my desk there and I'll see what I can do for you. And that's a campaign contribution, you understand. I don't want want you to get the wrong idea."

"Yeah, sure...here you go."

"So you want to talk about health care reform, do you. Ok, what do you want to know?"

"Well Senator, I mean, you know, somethings gotta be done. Health care costs are going through the roof, and everybody's paying more and more and lots of employers are dropping health care coverage altogether, and people need help."

"Rumors, all rumors. I can assure you our health care system is the best in the world."

"Excuse me Senator, but they're not rumors. It's getting bad out there."

"Well then it's those damn illegals. They come over here just so they can get sick."

"With all due respect Senator..."

"Justin, get Fred Blake over at the National HMO Association on the phone. I want to see if he's heard anything about this health care problem."

"Sure Senator...I'm dialing...Hello, this is Senator ____'s office calling. Is Mr. Blake available. Yes, sure, thank you...Hello, Mr. Blake? Hello sir, I've got Senator ____ on the line. Just one moment...Fred Blake on line 1 Senator."

"Hello Fred? How 'ya doing you ol' fart. Yeah...what?...oh yeah, she's fine. Yeah, they're fine too. My oldest is starting college in the fall. Yeah, Harvard, wants to be a lawyer. I told her she ought to try to find some honest work instead. Hah, hah, hah...What? Are you kidding? Gonna cost me an arm and a leg...yeah, well...yeah, we're both very proud...Listen Fred, the reason I'm calling is because I've got a citizen in my office now and he's telling me there's something wrong with the health care system in this country. No...no...of course not, I'm just telling you what he said... What?...Yeah, I got it...Yeah, it was. It was very generous, and believe me I'm not gonna forget you for this...Huh?...No, that's not necess...well, yeah, sure. I appreciate that. You know how expensive these campaigns are getting nowadays...What?...The Bahamas? Let me check my calendar and get back to you on that...No, I haven't heard anything. I tell you, I don't think anything's going to happen until after the election...No, don't worry. That's not going to be a problem...Well thanks. I'm always glad to help. But listen, about this health care thing...well, you see, that's what I thought. You know how these news shows are. Getting people all worked up over nothing. Christ, they can't find any real news to cover so they've gotta start making things up and getting everybody in a panic... Yeah, I know, I know, it's those damn illegals. Listen, I gotta go, but I'll get back to you on that Bahama's thing...Sure...no problem. Say hello to the missus for me. Alright Fred, great talking to you."

(The Senator hangs up and talks to me)

"That was Fred Blake, and believe you me he knows everything there is to know about the health care business. You know he lobbies for over 100 different HMO's and PPO's in this country. There isn't anything he doesn't know about health care, and he tells me there's nothing wrong with the system. Says it's just these news people who are creating the problem. If I were you I'd just stop worrying and let the government take care of things. And don't believe everything you read in the paper."

"But Senator, it's real. People are afraid of getting sick because they don't have insurance. People are scared to death that something's going to happen to their children and they won't have the money to pay for it. Old people are spending their food money on drugs. The newspapers aren't making it up."

"Look, I'd like to help you but..."

"But what?"

"But you're out of favors, if you know what I mean. Look, I answered your questions so why don't you just let me get back to my business."

"No, you haven't answered my questions. You're just burying your head in the sand."

"..."

"Senator? Did you hear me?"

"..."

"Oh, I get it. You need another favor. Sorry, I don't have any more cash on me."

"..."

"Look, you can see for yourself. My wallet's empty."

"..."

"Geez. Ok, is there an ATM around here?"

"There's a bank around the corner."

"How about a check. Will you take a check?"

"How big of a check?"

"Uh, a hundred dollars?"

"..."

"Five hundred dollars?"

"..."

"A thousand dollars? I can't go any higher than that."

"Don't make it out to me. Make it out to 'The American Freedom Coalition'. They'll see that it gets to the right account."

"The American Freedom Coalition. Right...Here you go. One thousand dollars. Now can we talk?"

"Justin, get Gloria Palmer of the American Pharmaceutical Association on the phone...What line?...Line 1?...Hello Gloria, this is Senator ____ calling. How are you today?...Yes, yes I did. That was very generous of you...Of course...I'm behind you 100% and I promise I'll do everything in my power to...Where? Where's that?...Oh, the South of France. Sounds nice. Let me check my calendar...Of course I will, just as soon as I...no, you don't have to thank me. It's my pleasure. Listen Gloria, the reason I'm calling is I've got a citizen in my office who's telling me that there are uninsured people in America who are having a hard time affording their medications. Have you heard anything about that?...Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Is that so. No I didn't know...Well that's outrageous. Someone's got to put a stop to that...I see...Well, I'm glad you told me. I had no idea...Uh-huh..Ok, I'll get in touch with you later. Alright, bye-bye."

"So what did she say? I was right, wasn't I?"

"No, you were totally wrong. She told me that the reason the health care system is in so much trouble is because people are importing dangerous drugs from overseas. Did you know that? They buy 'em cheap and import them illegally into this country. Why, that's the most underhanded thing I've ever heard of. I can tell you right now, we're going to put a stop to that."

"You're pathetic, Senator."

"What did you say?"

"I said you're pathetic. You don't care about the people at all, do you? You just take care of your rich and powerful friends so that they can take care of you, and you don't care about the needs of the average working person at all. You're pathet..."

"Now that'll be enough of that. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and listen to you whine like a little baby just because the world doesn't cater to your needs. Is that what you think we're here for? Is that what you think Congress is supposed to do? Take care of you like your mommy and your daddy? Quit you're crying and get the hell out of my office."

"You're supposed to lead us and find solutions to the nation's problems. Instead you just stuff your pockets full of money and do nothing."

"Look, I'm going to tell you something, and then I want you to leave. Ok? Congress is not here to solve the nation's problems. You're thinking about it all wrong. Congress is like...like...like a venture capitalist. People come to us with their projects and ideas, and we provide the investment capital to get them going. If you need a few highway jobs in your district, we earmark a little investment. If you need some help for your pig farmers, we earmark a little for them too. You see, that's what keeps the people happy and the nation growing. We take your tax dollars and we invest them back into the community. Is that such a bad thing?"

"So you're not going to do anything about health care reform, are you? Or social security, or immigration reform, or energy independence. All you're gonna do is bring home the bacon for the folks back home, and hope nobody notices that nothing ever gets done. As long as the voters are complacent and lazy, that's all that matters."

"I believe you're finally catching on. Look, you want some advice? Don't take things so seriously. Sure we got problems, but who doesn't? Forget all that, and just concentrate on what's really important in life."

"Like what? Paris Hilton?"

"Yeah, like Paris Hilton. Like Lindsay Lohan. Like Brittany Spears. That's what people care about. They don't sit around and think about all the problems in the world. What for? As long as Paris Hilton is in jail and they're not, then how bad can things be."

"It's not always going to be like that. One day the people are going to wake up and see how people like you are getting fat and rich while they're just getting by, and they're gonna go to the polls and vote. And then where will you be, Senator?"

"I'll be right here in my office, and if they come looking for me, tell 'em to bring cash."