Poor Jud is Dyin'

You probably don't care how sick I've been. In fact, I know you don't care. You don't care about the pain or the drama or the angel of death hovering over my bed. I realize that. Sickness is something each of us goes through alone, and no one wants to hear about our suffering or share in our misery. It's just a cruel and heartless world we live in, full of hideous, uncaring people.

On the other hand, if I were in your place and you were about to unburden yourself on me for the next half hour with your tales of sickness and woe then I'm sure I'd feel the same, though unlike you I'd at least try to stifle my yawns and feign a little interest. Be that as it may, I promise I won't bore you with a blog about how I've been on my back for the last four days, my body wracked with pain and myself only inches away from death's doorstep. Nope, you're too busy with your own problems to think about me so I'll just skip on to the next subject.

Which is...?

Oh, that's right. I haven't got a subject. It's the fever, you know. Haven't been able to think straight. I've got an idea, why don't you watch some TV while I think of something. I'll be right back.

"Hello, and welcome to the show. Joining me today is Ted Turner. Mr Turner, thank you for being with us."

"It's my pleasure. And call me Ted."

"Ok, Ted. So tell us about these new Ted's Montana Grill restaurants of yours. I hear they're doing quite well."

"Yes, they are. I'm very excited about being in the restaurant business."

"Why?"

"Excuse me."

"Why are you excited about being in the restaurant business?"

"Well, everybody's got to eat."

"How true. (pause) You know Ted, I bumped Warren Buffett just so I could get you on the show today, so do you think you could be a little more responsive to the questions?"

"No, I think I'd rather be affably vague if it's all the same to you."

"Well Ted, that may work for you but I think our viewers might start reaching for their remotes if you keep giving these short, non-descript answers."

"That may be true."

"I mean I could have just put a couple of politicians on the show if all I wanted was a bunch of empty, platudinous gobbledegook."

"I understand."

"You're not a politician are you Ted?"

"No I'm not."

"Ok, how about this? Let's do a little word association game. Would you like to try that? I'll say something and you say the first word that comes into your head. Ok?"

"Uh, sure, ok."

"Ok, let's start. If I were to say 'Kim Jong Il', what would you reply?"

"Uh...puppy?"

"Puppy? I say 'Kim Jong Il' and you say puppy? Why would you say something idiotic like that? He's the leader of North Korea Ted. What has that got to do with puppies?"

"Well, it was the first thing that came into my mind. You told me to say the first thing that came into my mind."

"You're right, I did. How about if we try this again. You want to try it again? C'mon, play along this time."

"Fine."

"How about if I say 'Iraq'? What's the first thing that comes into your mind."

"Uh..dental floss."

"Dental floss? Why on earth would Iraq remind you of dental floss?"

"I got something stuck in my teeth."

"Hezbollah."

"Popsicle."

"Republican."

"Waterfall."

"Terrorism."

"Skateboard."

"Time Warner?"

"Dirty, rotten, scum-sucking bastards."

"Washington?"

"Lilacs."

"Al-Qai...Hold on. Let's back up to that previous answer. I think I might have found a chink in your professional dealing-with-the-media armor."

"That's impossible."

"No, no...let's try this again. Ready?"

"Sure."

"Time Warner."

"Blood sucking curs."

"There. You see. You said 'blood sucking curs'."

"I did? That can't be. The vague, non-commital Ted wouldn't have said that. That must have been..."

"The evil Ted?"

"I'm tired of this game. Let's try something else."

"No, let's do one more. Ok?"

"Well..."

"Richard Parsons."

"Parasite."

"Steve..."

"Two-faced, backstabbing, son of a..."

"...Case."

"Greedy, arrogant, punk."

"Whoa, now that was fun. I knew I could break you."

"What did I say?"

"I want to thank my guest Ted Turner for being on the show. Ted, it was great having you on."

"What just happened here?"

"Please be sure to tune in next week when we'll play the word association game with outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and find out what's on his mind."

(And now back to our blog already in progress)

...and then I felt better on Monday, except for a throbbing headache. So I took a couple of Tylenol and came home and ate some dinner and I feel alright now.

But you don't want to hear about that so I should blog about something else.

La blog, la blog, toujours la blog.

Oh yeah, there's a new James Bond movie coming out Friday, like anyone cares. It's always strange for me to watch a James Bond movie because the parallels between his life and mine are so eerily alike. You know, the beautiful women, the constant danger, the exotic locales, the mystery and intrigue-I swear it's like seeing my own story being played out there on the screen.

Well, kinda...

Actually, Ian Fleming was going to model the original 007 character after me (that's a little known fact), but decided to make him a British superspy instead. Can't say I blame him. I mean who wants to see a movie about a bookish, misanthropic introvert with delusions of being an undiscovered Faulkner? British superspy just makes for better box office.

I'm not bitter, though. I've still got my blog, and as every blogger knows you can be anyone you want on the internet.

"Mr. Bond there's a semi-naked fashion model with a gun waiting for you in your bedroom. Her hair is perfect and I think she wants to kill you. Be careful."

"The world is full of semi-naked fashion models trying to kill me. Fix me a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred, while I go seduce her and get her to reveal vital information."

"Yes Mr. Bond. You know you are very brave for a bookish, misanthropic introvert with delusions of being an undiscovered Faulkner."

"Yes, I know. Isn't blogging fun?"