More Tales from The World of Money



Corporate Ethics 1966


"Why Miss Cerf, how are you? You're looking lovely today."

"Why thank you Mr. Masters. It's a fine evening, isn't it?"

"It certainly is. Say, you know I'm glad I ran into you. Fact is I've been meaning to talk to you for some time now, Miss Cerf."

"You have? About what?"

"I'd rather not discuss it out here in the lobby. Look, I know you're anxious to go home, but, if it isn't too much of an incovenience, would you mind stepping into my office for a minute?"

"Your office? Well...I guess so. Is there something wrong?"

"Oh no, nothing like that. I just have something I'd like to talk to you about, that's all. If you have the time, that is. Is this a bad time?"

"No, not at all. I was just on my way home, but I wasn't in any hurry."

"Good. Good. Well, follow me, then. We'll ride up together."

(They take the elevator to the 50th floor and walk down the hall to Mr. Masters' office)

"You don't mind if I close the door, do you Miss Cerf? I don't want anyone to overhear our little chat."

"No, I don't mind."

"Good" he says as he closes the door. "Here, let me take your coat. Have a seat, Miss Cerf."

"Thank you."

"How long have you been with us now, Miss Cerf. Has it been 3 years already?"

"It'll be four years this October. October 15 is my anniversary date."

"Four years, my, my, my. Where does the time fly, huh?"

"Oh it's been wonderful here, Mr. Masters. Everyone's been so good to me and I've learned so much."

"Well I'm glad. You know we like to think of Swinger Industries as one, big, happy family. "

"Oh, it's true. Everyone's so nice."

"Why I remember the first day you started with us, Miss Cerf. You were just a skinny little kid back then, weren't you? Straight out of high school with no work experience and, well, look at you now."

"You remember me? Really? I had no idea."

"Oh yes, Miss Cerf. I had my eye on you from day one, and, let's just say that over these past few years I've been very interested in your development."

"Well I don't know what to say Mr. Masters. I really had no idea."

"The thing is, Miss Cerf, I think that maybe the time has come to get you out of the secretarial pool and into something, er, more suitable to your talents. You don't want to sit behind a typewriter the rest of your life, do you Miss Cerf?"

"No. I mean, it's a good job but I'd like to, you know..."

"You'd like more of a challenge, right? Maybe a promotion, a little extra money each month?"

"Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? A promotion? Oh, Mr. Masters, I..."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Not so fast."

"I'm sorry. It's just that I thought..."

"Truth is we do have a position opening up here on the 50th floor. Just the sort of thing for a bright, energetic girl like yourself. But, I don't know. It's a big move and I'd like to know you a little better before I make a firm commitment. After all there are plenty of girls who've been working in the Secretarial Pool longer than you have and they might resent someone junior getting promoted ahead of them. If it's the right girl, though, then who cares. Let them get jealous. That's what I say."

"I see. Well, what would you like to know?"

"Heh, heh, heh. No, Miss Cerf. What I meant was that I'd like to get to know you, well, more informally, more personally. You know, find out what kind of girl you are outside of the office. I was thinking we could get together for a drink or something like that. Maybe go someplace where we can relax and let our hair down, if you know what I mean."

"A drink? Mr. Masters, I don't know. I mean, what if someone at the office should see us. What would they think?"

"You're right, you're right. What was I thinking. I mean, even though it would be completely innocent, well, you know how people talk."

"I appreciate the offer but..."

"Say, I've got an idea. Yeah, why didn't I think of that before? Miss Cerf, I think we're in luck. It just so happens my wife took the kids up to her mother's house yesterday and they're going to be gone for the entire week. Geez, it just completely slipped my mind. Tell you what. Why don't come over to my place and we can have a little drink and relax and get to know each other there. The house is empty and I'm sure no one will see us or bother us."

"Mr. Masters. You're house? I couldn't do that. I...I...I..."

"Why not?"

"Well, it's just that my sister's expecting me. I always go home right after work and if I don't show up she'll be so worried. Mr. Masters, you don't know how she gets when she worries. Oh, it's just terrible."

"So call her. Tell her you got tied up at the office and you'll be a little late. She'll understand."

"No. I mean, it wouldn't be right. Not with your wife and children gone and all..."

"Just one little drink. I promise. Nothing's going to happen. Miss Cerf, I hope you don't think I'd try to do anything improper or try to pull some kind of hanky-panky. I'm a very respected man, Miss Cerf and my reputation is..."

"No, no, Mr. Masters. I wasn't trying to imply anything like that. It's just that...well...you know I've had a busy day and I really should be going home. My sister will worry."

"Call your sister. Tell her you'll be okay and not to worry. Look, Miss Cerf, this is a very important position I'm trying to fill here. It would be quite a step up for you. I'd hate to think you'd pass up this opportunity because of a lack of trust. You know, opportunities like this don't come around everyday."

"..."

"Just a drink, I promise. We can relax, tell a few jokes, get to know each other, then I can know if I'm making the right decision or not. What do you say?"

"Just one drink? That's all?"

"I promise."

"Because I can only stay a minute. I really do have to get home. I can't stay too long"

"Miss Cerf."

"Yes?"

"Trust me."



Corporate Ethics 2006



"Hey Bob, can I see you for a moment?"

"Sure, Harry. What's up?"

"C'mon in. Close the door, would ya?"

"Yeah, sure thing. How's the arm?"

"Oh, still a little sore. Doc says I gotta cut back on my golf for a while, you know. Shit. What am I gonna do if I can't play golf all day. Sit around the office? Give me a break. Go on, have a seat."

"Thanks."

"Say Bob, I want to talk to you about last quarters financials. I've read the reports and I'm a little worried."

"Look, Harry. I admit we had a tough quarter but it's this goddamn economy. Shit, first it's that asshole Greenspan jacking up the interest rates and now we got this new asshole Bernanke walking around with his head up his ass."

"Yeah, I know Bob. The whole country's going to hell. Pretty soon the goddamn Chinese'll be running everything. But what about these numbers, Bob. You know we've got a shareholders meeting next month and..."

"Fuck the shareholders. All they ever care about is the share price. They don't know what we're facing here. The shareholders are just going to have to be patient, Harry. You talk to them. You're good at that."

"But Bob, I'm the Chairman of the Board. I'm supposed to be acting in the shareholders best interest here. You know we granted you a very nice incentive package in addition to a very generous salary on the condition that you perform, but, frankly, after losing a billion dollars last year I don't see how we can..."

"What are you saying Harry. You want me out, is that it?"

"..."

"..."

"Har, har, har, har, har, har, har... Had you going there didn't I. No, hell no. Like you said, fuck the shareholders. Look, I met this fella down in the Grand Caymans last year and I think maybe you should go have a talk with him. Real sharp fella, can work wonders on an Income Statement and Balance Sheet."

"What's his name?"

"I'll get his number for you. He's a real operator, if you know what I mean. Been to law school and all that. Knows every trick in the book. Tell you what, we'll let him massage the numbers a bit and those shareholder assholes won't know the difference."

"Sounds good Harry. Shit, you had me going there for a minute."

"Hah, almost pissed your pants didn't you. Har, har, har. Hey, about the bonus. How much do you think I should pay you for losing us a billion dollars last year?"

"I don't know. I could really use an extra 10 million or so."

"10 million? Quit thinking small potatoes, Bob. You'll never get anywhere thinking like that. Tell you what, how about we back date a few stock options and throw in an extra 80 million to sweeten the pot. That sound good to you?"

"Yeah. Thanks Harry."

"No problem. I'll send you that fella's number so you two can get in touch, ok?"

"Sure."

"I mean it. Clean up those numbers. I don't want to have a bunch of angry shareholders breathing down my neck. You hear?"

"Yeah."

"And you'll get it done before the next month's meeting?"

"Yeah, I'll get it done. Trust me."