The Secret Life of a News Junkie

"Don't go, Kimberly. Stay here with me. "

"No, no, I can't...It's too dangerous. If the insurgents find us there's no telling what they might do. We must go now."

"No one will find us. No one will hurt us as long as we have each other. Don't you know that? Can't you feel the passion burning inside? We'll be safe here. No one will come. It's just you and me."

"Oh, I want to stay. Really I do. If this were some other time, some other place...just hold me...hold me and tell me it'll be alright."

"I'll never let them hurt you. You know that. You'll be safe with me."

"I feel safe with you. I ..."

(BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!)

Alright, alright, shut up already. Damn alarm clock! Oh man, and I was having a great dream too. Me and Kimberly Dozier...I've had that dream before , but this time I almost...oh, nevermind. Something about a beautiful woman in a flak jacket, in a hostile land, surrounded by danger, that just gets inside a man and stirs him all up. Oh well, time to get blogging.

(Why couldn't I have slept just 10 more minutes longer? Damn, that dream was getting good.)

So what about these kids today, huh? That's always a good topic for a blog. I mean, where do they get their money? Designer clothes, fancy cellphones, $500.00 Ipods, where do they get the cash to pay for all this stuff? I tell ya', when I was a kid we had hand-me-downs, and transistor radios, and if you wanted to SMS someone you went over to them and tapped them on the shoulder. But these kids today, geez, they think that money just grows on trees.

Actually, they don't think money grows on trees, they just think that buying something isn't the same thing as paying for it. Not when you have credit cards, at least. I wonder whoever gave them that crazy idea? Yeah, you're right, I know who gave them that idea - George W. Bush. Just today I saw him on TV telling the nation how we're going reform Social Security and we're not going to pay for it. That's what I like about ol' dubya, just keep things simple. I like some of his other policies too, like "We're going to fight a war and we're not going to pay for it" or "We're going to protect the homeland but we're not going to pay for it". Consistency is the key, and he sure is consistent.

"Perhaps you could meet me in the bar later for a drink."

"Sorry, I don't date weird men. "

"No, you don't understand. I'm not weird...not really. The weirdness is just a mask I use to disguise my despondency and antipathy for all that is base and corrupt, all that is malevolent and lying, all that is venal, villanous and wicked in this wanton and depraved gutter of perversity and turpitude that we call planet earth."

"Then you're really a reporter? Like me?"

"No. Wretched, yes...cynical, yes...but not a reporter."

"Oh, I see. "

"Kimberly, don't be frightened. Here among all this death and ruin, if it's still possible to hope, if it's still possible to believe in anything, believe in me now. Believe in this moment, this one true thing, the only true thing that has any meaning in this faithless, godless world."

"No, it's useless, and yet I feel..."

So I was looking at the car ads in the classifieds today for no particular reason, and it sort of dawned on me as I was looking at the price of one of those German luxury models that, y0u know, I could afford that. I mean, I'm not rich or anything, but if I was to sell off some of my mutual funds I could go down to the dealership and hand over that kind of cash for some fancy-shmancy car with automatic this and leather that and all the other doodads they're putting into cars these days.

But why?

I live in Silicon Valley and believe me I see plenty of people driving around in their 60, 70, 80 thousand dollar cars and I always wonder " Can they really afford that or are they just trying to impress me?", and if they're trying to impress me, why? Just once I'd like to see them up there on the Suze Orman show and see if they really have it all together like they pretend they do. Believe me, Suze would get to the bottom of it.

"Hello, Suze, my name is Penny. I'm a 36 year old woman making $50,000 a year with $2,345,000 in auto loans and credit card debt. My question is should I be paying off the debt or starting a savings account instead?"

"Well, Penny, Ive got to tell you. If I were you I'd got out in the backyard and hang myself."

(No, no, no, I'm just kidding. Suze Orman would never say that. Sylvia Plath might, but not Suze Orman. Actually, Suze would start psychoanalyzing. )

"Tell me Penny, why do you think you have all this debt? Isn't it true that you have all this debt because you're foster parents sold you to a Mexican prostitution ring when you were 4 years old, and now you're trying to make up for your feelings of abandonment by buying things you can't afford?"

"Yes, it's true. Oh Suze, I just feel like I'm sinking further and further and there's no way to get out."

Yeah, get some of these Silicon Valley hotshots up there with Suze and she'd sniff them out.

"You're leaving tomorrow, aren't you Kimberly?"

"Don't try to cling to something that could never last. We both know that we love our freedom too much to ever be tied down."

"Yes, I suppose you're right. Will I ever see you again?"

"Who knows. Who can tell what the future holds."

"Where are you going?"

"Wherever there are people struggling, I'll be there. Wherever there is deceit, treachery, and hypocrisy, I'll be there. Wherever there are people crying out for honesty and integrity and principle, I'll be there."

"You mean you're going to Washington?"

"Goodbye, Tony. "

"But wait-"

"Shhh...don't say anything. I don't know what I'd do if you did, and I must go. You understand, don't you, I must."

And with that she was gone. Was it something I did, or said? No, it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe if I drove a nicer car...