Ever since my father passed away I haven't really seen much point in having birthdays anymore. Let's face it, birthdays are more meaningful to parents anyways, and now that they're gone I'm probably the only person still living who was even there that day - and I didn't have much choice in the matter, did I? Yet, the birthdays keep coming. Mine is still a ways off, but the subject came up today and once again I'm forced to consider the weight of my years.

Not that growing older really bothers me that much. It's just that each passing year brings me one step closer to that final step, that final journey we all have to make, that inevitable conclusion we all reach...

Retirement.

I don't like reading these "Planning for Your Retirement" articles that seem to pop up everywhere nowdays, and it's not a matter of "where am I going to get the money" or "how will I eat" - I've been pretty careful with the meager pittance that's come my way, I suppose, and I don't think I'll starve. No, what I hate is the nagging question these articles all raise, the question that is always out there looming in the distance. Namely, "what do you want to do when you retire?"

What kind of question is that? Geez, I don't know what I want to do when I retire. I have a hard enough time knowing what I want to do after dinner. But you know there are people out there who know exactly what they want to do when they retire, and, I gotta tell you, they really piss me off. There are the

"We're going to travel when we retire" types. They're going to go to Europe and the Far East, they're going to take African Safaris and RV across America, and they're just going to keep on going and going until they see the world. I like that idea too but I have to tell ya, after having made my second trip to the Far East I found I liked the idea of travelling a lot more than the actual travel. I'm sure there are those who like living out of suitcases, but it's been my experience that a lot of times the actual travel is lines, crowded planes, strange hotels, and 10,000 people all wanting to go to the same place I do. I've had good trips and bad, but I don't think I'd want to spend the rest of my life going on vacation.

Then there are the

"We're going to take it easy and go golfing everyday" types, who actually seem content to live out the rest of their days chasing little balls around carefully manicured lawns. Better that than living a wasted life, eh? Oh well, I used to caddy when I was a young kid and I got my fill of golf a long time ago. But to each his own.

And of course there are the

"We're going to build our dream house in the country" types who plan on spending their final years laying in their hammocks, taking in the air, listening to the birds, and relaxing beside a cool mountain stream. Hmmm, I kind of like that idea, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. You see, you got to start out young and build your fortune if you want that kind of retirement, but who knows, maybe if I sink my life savings into a couple of hot stocks I might still be able to strike it rich. There's a plan, and if it doesn't work out then hey, there's always the lotto. Unfortunately, most of the magazine articles don't consider hitting the lotto a sound retirement plan, so I'll probably just spend my retirement like a lot of other old fogies - watching TV and chasing dogs off the front lawn. What a life, huh, I can't wait.

But, on the other hand, it doesn't have to be like that. I could become a dirty old man. You know, taking bus trips to the casino and chasing after all the pretty young cocktail waitresses. Now that wouldn't be bad. Blowing all my money on dice and women and ending up toothless and destitute in the old folks home. Or instead, after my final fling I could repent and have a spiritual awakening, sort of find a new path and join a religious order, like Franz Liszt. Yeah, that's my plan. Now all I have to do is see my investment advisor and tell him I've decided to be a dirty old man when I retire. Tell me, young feller, how can I achieve my retirement goal?

Or, I could just forget about all this retirement stuff and stop having birthdays. That's the best plan of all.