The Balls are Flyin' Here in the City of Mahoganny

Two months ago, when the news was full of the Barry Bonds steroids scandal, I predicted that in another sixty days the whole thing would be forgotten. As long as Bonds kept hitting 'em out of the ballpark, I said, no one would care too much about steroids or growth hormones or any of the rest of it. Well, sixty days have passed and even though the steroids story hasn't disappeared completely from the news, it's clearly not the scandal it was a couple of months ago.

In fact, as I write this Bonds is closing in on Babe Ruth's record and news people from all over the world are flocking to San Francisco to cover it. Bonds' "quest for history" is what one local newscast is calling it, "epic achievement" is what I read in the paper, and it just seems like everyone wants to be here to witness baseball's greatest achievement by baseball's greatest player.

Don't want to gloat but I told you so.

What I couldn't predict was the backlash heaped upon the poor unfortunate's who authored a book and ignited the whole scandal in the first place. Rather than receiving acclaim and appreciation for "Game of Shadows" , the 2 authors have received subpoena's instead and been asked to disclose the source of the grand jury leaks . That's what's called an ironic twist. Instead of Bonds going to jail he goes to the Hall of Fame, and it's the author's who may end up doing time. Now isn't that a slap in the face. At least it is for the authors. Baseball fans are loving it.

Which only goes to prove my other point that fans really don't care about this steroids thing as much as people suppose they do. Sure, they'd rather that the players weren't doing drugs and doping up and all that, but as long as the players keep it private and out of the papers then it's nothing for the fans to worry about. Don't ask, don't tell is what they call it, and the last thing anyone wants to see is a lot of snoopy reporters sticking their noses in the player's business and ruining things for everyone else.

Of course there is just one more little fly in the ointment I haven't mentioned. Seems baseball has decided to launch an independent investigation headed by former senator George Mitchell to look into these steroid accusations. Some are calling it a PR move but others are afraid it may be more serious than that. I'm sure baseball is hoping it's nothing serious or they could find themselves on the wrong side of the fans. Which brings me to my next prediction. I predict that the commission will investigate the matter and find either (a) the steroid accusations are wildly overblown in which case baseball will breathe a sigh of relief, or (b) that there is rampant steroid use throughout the game in which case baseball will show shock and concern and then quietly bury the whole thing. In either case, however, baseball will not provoke it's fans nor put it's ticket sales in danger.

And that's all I can say about that. Face you old fart traditionlists out there, it's the new baseball and Bonds is it's greatest player. Might as well drink your beer and enjoy your peanuts because the old days are gone forever. And until some new drug is discovered and some new superstar comes along, Bonds is master of this game. After that, who knows. 1,000 home runs? 2,000 home runs? In one season? Stay tuned - you won't want to miss an action-packed moment.

A Farewell, and then Forever


As a rule I try not to blog about celebrities, but sometimes you just have to say something. Like it or not, certain celebreties become important fixtures in our lives and leave us feeling a little bit older and emptier when they're gone. I felt it when John Lennon died, and then again when James Stewart died, and now I feel it again with the passing of Louis Rukeyser.

So what was it that made Louis Rukeyser so invaluable? I think it was this. The investing world has always been full of touts and self-promoters - those who claim inside knowlege or omniscience or the ability to predict the future. In fact, for many individual investors the whole basis of stock market investing is nothing more than seeking out these wizards for their " hot tips" and "inside scoops". Rukeyser and his panelists on Wall Street Week in Review were different. Instead of "hot tips" Rukeyser's prgram was all about the facts and healthy doses of common sense. That's why viewers faithfully tuned-in each Friday night and read his newsletters and attended his seminars. They were there to learn the investing basics, and they trusted that Rukeyser wasn't going to try to confuse them with a lot of jargon or claim to know the unknowable.

Over the years, as a faithful viewer myself, I got to see the him interview countless Wall Street movers and shakers, from both the fundamental and technical side of the investing spectrum, and I think it's fair to say that not once did I ever see Rukeyser let a guest blow a lot of smoke on his show and get away with it. If something wasn't clear the guest was asked to clarify it. If an outlandish claim was made then he was asked to justify it, and all the time Rukeyser would be probing with his unique blend of skepticism and wit. In this way I think millions of americans got to see that investing wasn't voodoo or black magic but rather an informed strategy based upon research and (here's that phrase again) common sense.

It would be a fitting tribute to Louis Rukeyser and Wall Street Week to say that his show changed the world and we are all better investors for having watched it, but unfortunately, for the vast majority of us, investing is the same today as it always was. Bring up the stock market in any casual conversation and it won't be long before someone asks you for a hot tip. Seldom does anyone ask for a strategy. But that wasn't his failure. Rather, the fact that so many learned so much from watching his show was his great success.

The most peculiar thing about Louis Rukeyser's death, at least for me, is that he was the same age when he died as my father was when he died, and he died of the very same disease. Multiple Myeloma took my father's life at age 73 (actually it was complications from the disease), and Mulitple Myeloma also took Louis Rukeyser's death at age 73. I won't say his passing is like losing a second father. No one could ever replace my father and frankly, Louis Rukeyser and I weren't that close. But I do feel like I lost an old friend.

May he Rest In Peace.

One other item in the news that caught my eye. In case you haven't heard Microsoft announced they were getting into the TV show biz today. Well, not exactly the cable TV show biz or the over-the-air TV biz but the internet TV biz. Turns out they are going to start producing original content for the MSN internet service through a service they're calling (suprise) MSN Originals. Geez, I hate to be negative but doesn't this seem like it's going to be one big...

DUD!

I mean, I wish Microsoft the best of luck with this but their track record for new initiatives hasn't been too spectacular lately. MSN search vs. Google? Dud. Plays for Sure vs. IPod? Dud. Origami? Dud. And now they're going to get in the TV business? Well, we all now how easy that's going to be. Just ask the WB and UPN how easy it is to come up with new, audience-grabbing content. Should be no problem.

Not that I'm one to criticize, mind you, because I know nothing about primetime TV. If they asked me how to make a hit show I wouldn't have a clue, although I do have this idea for live opera broadcasts on the internet. That'd be a hit, wouldn't it? I'm sure there are at least a couple dozen other people who'd like to see that too. Then again maybe not, and anyways I think MSN is going after a bigger demographic.

And who better to know what's hip with today's 18-34 year olds than Bill Gates.

Yeah, hate to say it but I just get a bad feeling about this MSN Originals thing. Not that I think it's a bad idea. In fact, if I was a betting man I'd wager that Microsoft is probably onto something here. The trouble is they won't be able to execute on it and some younger, hipper company is going to come along and eat their lunch. That seems to be their process these days. But then again, who knows. Good luck Microsoft, and I can't wait for the first show.

Three Reasons Why You Should Never Blog When You're Tired

I had this idea for a political cartoon but unfortunately I can't draw so I'll have to describe it instead. It takes place in front of the capitol, and out in front there's a long continuous line of SUV's all climbing the hill with banners on the back saying "$3.00 a gallon gas", and in one of the SUV's there's this big fat guy leaning out the window and looking at the capitol with his fist in the air, and the caption reads "It's all your fault!"

Yeah, I know, pretty lame, but then I'm no cartoonist.

And that's not what I wanted to talk about anyways. What I want to talk about is Eric Steel. If you don't know who Eric Steel is then let's just say he is an important filmaker. How do we know he is an important filmaker? Well, because he's made an important film, that's how. Please, read on. This is very important.

Apparently, Eric Steel asked officials with the Golden Gate National Recreation Area for permission to film the Golden Gate Bridge for a series of movies he was making on national monuments. Naturally, the bridge officials agreed and so Mr. Steel set up cameras that would shoot continuously throughout the daylight hours for most of 1994. That's a lot of footage, but it was for a good cause. Right?

Well, turns out our filmaker wasn't being exactly honest with the bridge officials. Instead, what he really wanted to shoot was not the bridge but people jumping off the bridge and comitting suicide. Not actors, mind you, but actual people jumping to their deaths. That meant he was able to film about 19 successful attempts during this period along with numerous aborted attempts as well. All he had to do was go through the footage, find all the good parts, and edit it something an audience could enjoy. Swell guy, this Mr. Eric Steel.

So there you have it. I guess the movie is finished now and awaiting release, and sure to be a hit with audiences bored by all the simulated violence they have had to witness over the years. Now, at last, we have a movie where audiences can go and see the real thing. Real human beings dying on film. "Kind of sick" you may be saying to yourself, "controversial" say others, not realizing that in these modern times, words like "sick" and "controversial" are just mediaspeak terms for...

"important."

You can practically hear the critics now. "Most important film of the year from one of America's most important filmakers." The folks associated with the bridge aren't to thrilled with it all, of course, and some are calling for renewed efforts to erect suicide barriers along the bridge, a move that would save lives but would diminish the aesthetic aspects of the world's most beautiful bridge. It's not an easy call.

I'm of two minds on this myself. Sure, we all want to save lives but there are other things to consider. I mean, if they erect the barriers how would people like Eric Steel get their kicks? Has anyone thought of that? This is an important filmaker we're talking about. Not some sick bastard who's looking to draw attention to himself by exploiting the misery and suffering of others. If they do build the barriers what will that do to him? Poor, miserable SOB. Perhaps he can find some other important project to enlighten us with. Something like child molestation perhaps? Sure, instead of just talking about it, why not shoot a film where we get to see actual children being sodomized on camera? Huh, don't tell me that wouldn't be important.

(I'm just kidding by the way. I know how seriously people take these blogs sometimes.)

Well, enough of that. If you want to read about Eric Steel the story can be found here. Now on to other (more important) things.


Do you live in California and, if you do, have you ever heard of the transfer tax? If you ever bought a home in California and actually managed to make it all the way through all the little numbers in your final closing papers then you might have. If not then let me explain.

The transfer tax is levied by your County Recorder when your Deed is presented to them for entry into the Official Record. This is a complicated process which involves stamping the document, photocopying it, and stuffing it in an envelope to be mailed back to you. In California all counties charge the same transfer tax of $0.55 per $500. That is, you take the sales price (or fair market value) of the property and divide that number by $500, rounded up to the next even multiple of $500, and then multiply the quotient by 0.55 to arrive at your final tax. For example, for a typical California home selling for around $700,000 you would divide 700,000 by 500 and then multiply by 0.55 to arrive at a tax of $770.

Ok, so what's the big deal. Well, it's not really a big deal, but did you also know that certain cities in California also charge their own separate transfer taxes that are levied in addition to the transfer taxes levied by the counties? If you read your closing papers you did, but in case you didn't then I found this great little website called dirtlawyer.com which gives an interesting breakdown of all the various transfer taxes charged by cities and counties in California. Quite an eye-opener if you're considering buying or selling property out here.

The good news is that in 47 out of 58 counties no additional city taxes are levied at all, and in the remaining counties only some of the major cities have such levies. In Santa Clara County, for examle, only the cities of San Jose, Palo Alto and Mt. View have the tax at a somewhat reasonable rate of $3.30 per $1000. Sonoma and Yolo Counties have much lower rates than ours (Cloverdale in Sonoma County, for example, only charges $1.10 per $1,000), but what really caught my attention was the incredibly high amounts charged by some other California cities. In San Francisco, for example, the rate is $6.80 per $1,000 for our hypothetical $700,000 home, but that pales in comparison to the taxes charged across the bay in Alameda County, where the cities of Oakland and Berkely charge a whopping $15 per 1,000.

Are you kidding me?

That means on a $700,000 home in Oakland, Alameda County would charge a $770 transfer tax and the City of Oakland would levy an additional $10,500, bringing the total transfer tax bill to a staggering $11,270. Holy Toledo, and that's just the tax you pay for recording your Deed. Compared to the $3,080 you'd pay in San Jose for that same sales price I'd say that San Jose seems like quite a bargain. At least it would to an old penny-pincher like me.

Anyways, it's an interesting chart of a little known tax. It also breaks down the tax on the basis of who pays what, so that in Alameda County for instance, the seller actually pays the county transfer tax and half the city transfer tax and the buyer pays the rest. That means in our hypothetical $700,000 transaction, the buyer would only pay $5,250 and the other $6,020 would be deducted from the sellers proceeds. Seems reasonable, eh?

Ah, homebuying is so much fun. Maybe in the future we can talk about property taxes and earthquake insurance.

Messopotamia

What a strange war indeed. Let me ask you ask you a question. Would you rather suffer the kind of militantism and mass protest and violent confrontation that this country endured during the Vietnam War, or would you rather have people so busy watching American Idol that they can't be bothered worrying about soldiers dying in faraway places? Yeah, me too. I hope Kellie wins.

No, that's not true. Here at Dead Cat we scoff at the frivolous pursuits of the public at large and choose to focus instead on the important issues of the day. That's why we've asked two United States Senators to be our guests tonight to talk about the Iraq War. They are Senator Rose, Democrat of Massachusetts and Senator Hammer, Republican of Ohio.

"Senators, welcome."

"Thank you Dead Cat."

"Thank you Dead Cat. Pleasure to be here."

"Senator Rose, let's begin with you. We're now in the fourth year of the Iraq War with some 2400 U.S. soldiers killed and perhaps 8 or 9 times that number wounded. Where should America go from here?"

"Let me first say that there were no WMD's. The American people were lied to. Saddam was not a terrorist and posed no threat."

"Yes, but I was asking more about the present, Senator. Like it or not and regardless of the causes, we're over there now and people are dying. What should America's strategy be now? When the President wakes up tomorrow morning what should be his plan?"

"Well, he shouldn't be misleading the American people about WMD's, that's for sure. We have proof that..."

"Dead Cat, may I interrupt for a moment please."

"Yes Senator Hammer."

"It's a misstatement to say the President lied to the American people. He was working with the same faulty intelligence that everyone else, including the Congress, was."

"Yes Senator, but my point is not to keep rehashing the past but to look at the present. Senator Rose, what is the Democratic plan for victory in Iraq."

"Victory?"

"Well, perhaps I'm putting words in your mouth. What is the Democrat's plan for ending the war?"

"I think we should be working with the other countries in the region and strengthening our relationships with our allies and start being honest with the American people."

"That seems kind of vague Senator. Do you have anything more specific to offer?"

"You mean, like a strategy?"

"Yes, a strategy if you like, but even a single practical idea would suffice."

"Well, if we can't win the war then it seems the best thing to do would be to get the hell out of there and go home to our mothers."

"Go home to our mothers? Then you're advocating a gradual pullout?"

"Hell no. I say we should drop our weapons and run like hell."

"You know we have a lot of liberals up here in the Bay Area and I've always thought that's what they secretly believed, but I'm suprised to hear a U.S. Senator actually say so for the record."

"It's always been the liberal position that America owes the world an apology, and I think going home and telling the world we're sorry would be the humane thing to do."

"Senator Hammer, you've heard what Senator Rose just said. 'Drop our weapons and run like hell'? Would that be your strategy?"

"No, I think we've got a good strategy in place. We're seeing the Iraqi people go out and choose their leaders in free and open elections. We're seeing progress being made in the capabilities of the Iraqi security forces. I think if we just stay the course here then we'll achieve our goal of a stable and democratic Iraq."

"How long will we be staying this course?"

"Well, I can't make predictions but..."

"One year?"

"No, not that soon."

"Five years?"

"I think five years is a possiblity."

"You think the insurgency will be broken within the next five years?"

"It's hard to put a timetable on these things."

"And meanwhile, what about our troops? Will we continue to see them taking casualties in roadside bombings and such?"

"Of course no one can guarantee that more casualties won't occur but..."

"How many casualties? Will we continue to see the kinds of numbers we've seen so far? Will there be more? Less? Everyday we see news of more bombings and more killings over there. Can you reassure the American public that at some point we are going to see these bombings and killings stopped?"

"Well, sure, there are bombings and killings, but you know there are also a lot of positive things going on over there that the media never reports. Did you know that in Bagdad yesterday there were over 15 new puppies born? And that's just in Bagdad alone."

"You mean instead of reporting on the bombings and killings you think the media should be showing America puppy pictures?"

"I just think there needs to be more balance in the coverage, that's all. Present both sides of the picture. Sure show the blood and fear and suffering, but show the puppies too. Just think what that does to the moral of our troops to see that kind of news being reported back to the people at home."

"Are you saying the troops aren't aware of the bombings?"

"No, I'm sure they are. But that doesn't mean they want their families talking about it. It's very damaging to the morale of the troops."

"Perhaps the Pentagon should give them all puppies."

"Seriously, Dead Cat. This whole idea of Generals criticizing the war. It's unamerican and it's got to stop."

"But Senator Rose, Generals have spoken out before. Didn't General McClellan speak out against President Lincoln during the Civil War? In fact, if I recall my history, he even ran against Lincoln in the national election."

"And history hasn't been kind to McClellan, has it?"

"But did it hurt the morale of the troops? As I recall, the Union won that war."

"It's unamerican, that's all I'm saying."

"So then let me get this straight. Senator Rose, your Iraq strategy is to run like hell, and Senator Hammer your strategy is to stifle dissent and focus more on puppies. Four years into the war that is where the political leadership in Washington stands? Senator Rose?"

"Yes, just about. You see Dead Cat, this isn't your ordinary kind of war. By that I mean unlike wars in the past, this is a war that a lot of Americans are largely indifferent to. It's like a forgotten war, and we haven't even finished fighting it yet. And that's a good thing for those of us in Washington because it lets us off the hook. You see, it allows us to focus more of our attention on the things the public really cares about."

"And that would be?"

"Why, the next election of course."

"And is that why we sent you to Washington? So that you could spend six months analyzing the last election and 18 months planning the next?"

"Yes, I think so. Senator Rose don't you agree?"

"Yes, pretty much. There's also the fundraising, of course."

"Well Senator Rose and Senator Hammer, thank you both for being with me tonight. "

"Thank you, Dead Cat."

Creative Traveldock 900 Speakers


And now for today's tech news. The blogosphere is full of techie stuff and I try to avoid the subject as much as possible, but I haven't seen much on the Traveldock 900 speakers from Creative so I thought I'd do a mini-review.

Let's see, I got mine about 2 weeks ago and they work great. So go ahead and buy 'em.

Oh, wait, I should probably give you a little more information than that (har, har, har). The Traveldock 900's are portable, battery-powered speakers that connect to your Zen Muvo or other MP3 player. I could give you the specs that I found on the web but the last time I did that I ended up publishing some incorrect information. Let me get out my ruler instead and give some approximate dimensions instead. It's around 5.75" long by about 2.5" wide and about 1.5" deep, and weighs about 10 ounces or so. About the size of a large power brick, I'd say, but weighing less.

Whatever the actual dimensions it fits easily into a coat pocket or briefcase and runs on 4 AAA batteries. Creative is claiming 32 hours of battery life but I haven't changed batteries yet so I can't confirm that. Based on my experience I'd say you can count on at least 20 hours of battery life, and probably a lot more. There is also a DC power jack on the back of the unit but no power adaptor is included.

The unit contains a front connector for certain Creative Zen players that have headphone connectors on the bottom of the unit. For other players like my Zen Vision M, Creative also includes a patch cable that will allow you to connect any MP3 player to the speakers using a line-in jack on the back. Either way, you cannot control the player using the Traveldock 900 and there is no remote included. These are simply speakers. They also include a special cable for the IPod Shuffle, a player I don't know anything about, but I'm sure there must be a special reason why the Shuffle needs its own special cable.

So how does it sound? Well, the thing to remember is that these are battery-powered portable speakers that will fit in your pocket. If your expecting room shaking sound to come out of these then you're going to be sorely disappointed. That said, they actually do deliver a very clean, audible sound, noticeably lacking in the low end that a subwoofer would normally provide. Is it enough sound to overcome the rush of the faucet when your running your bathwater? I don't know. I haven't tried it. But it's more than enough sound to fill a quiet room or back patio, and I haven't noticed any distortion when cranked all the way up, although I wouldn't call it a pleasant sound. At a reasonable and listenable volume level, however, these speakers sound good. Much better than I would have expected from such a small unit. There is also a Wide Stereo button on the back if that's to your taste.

And that's about it. I'm not sure what the real need is for portable speakers such as these, but I see all different brands and models of them for sale in the electronics stores. Obviously, somebody wants them. I bought them mainly for watching video on my Vision M, and although they weren't specifically designed for that purpose they work really well (I snapped this little photo to show you my setup. Notice the clean, uncluttered workspace). The little connector in front works perfectly as a little stand to hold the Vision M in place, and the patch cord slips right into the top of the player. As long as I can find a flat place to put it down then I'm all set to go. And, best of all, I don't have to sit there and hold the player while I'm watching the video. Very nice!

I've also used the speakers to listen to music and, in a pinch, they are a good thing to have. But it bears repeating that these are not going to give you the same quality as your home theater or music system. For listening around the house you'd be much better off getting a ten dollar mini-jack to RCA patch cord and hooking your MP3 player directly to the stereo. That's what I do and I won't pretend that these little $80 speakers are going to give you the same experience.

And that's my review. And for more info here's the link.

Things a Good Son Never Tells His Mother


1. Frank and Joey are best friends

"Hey Frank, are you still grounded."

"Joey, come here. I wanna show you something."

"What?"

"Just come here and I'll show you."

"Is your mother home?"

"Yeah, but it's ok. Just knock on the door."

(Knock, knock, knock. Frank's mother opens the door)

"Why hello Joey. I'm sorry but Frank can't come out to play today. He's been grounded."

"Ah, mom. I just want to show him something. Can't he come in. We won't leave the yard."

"No, you heard what I said."

"Puleeeeeeezzzzzeeee...."

"Ok, but you two stay in the backyard, you hear me. I don't want you wandering off."

"C'mon Joey, let's go out back."

"What did you want to show me?"

"Look here, in this bucket."

"What is it?"

"A lizard."

"A lizard?"

"Yeah, I caught him and put him in this bucket."

"Man, I've caught lots of lizards. So what?"

"I don't know. Let's do something with him."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. How about we tie him to a kite and fly him up in the air."

"What for?"

"I never seen a lizard fly before. Have you? C'mon, it'll be cool."

"Ok, I guess so. Go get the kite"

(Frank gets the kite and some string)

"Alright, now what?"

"We take some string and tie him on to the tail. Yeah, like that. Alright, now let's see if we can get it up in the air."

(Joey takes the ball of string and ties it to the kite. Frank takes the kite to other end of the yard and waits for a gust of wind. Soon, the kite is in the air)

"Ok, now what? He's just hanging there. He ain't doing nothing."

"Let's get it higher. Let out some more line.

(Joey lets out more line)

"Man, he's way up there now."

"He's just hanging there. This is stupid."

"What a dumb lizard. He's not moving around or nothing. He's just...oops!"

"What happened? Where'd the lizard go?"

"He fell off. Didn't you see him? I think he fell in that sticker bush over there. Go see if you can find him."

"You go see if you can find him."

"I can't leave the yard. Hurry, go find him before he gets away."

(Joey jumps the fence and approaches the sticker bush)

"I don't see him."

"Keep looking. He fell right in there."

"I don't see...wait. Is that him?"

"Did you find him?"

"Yeah, but I think he's dead. He's just lying on his back and not moving or nothing."

"Aw, crap."

"Yeah, he's dead."

"Ok, c'mon back

(Joey jumps back over the fence and stands next to Frank as they both look at the kite flying lizardless in the air)

"What do you wanna do now?"


2. Frank and Joey in High School

"Act straight. You're blowin' it man."

"What?"

"Act straight, Frank. g0ddam it. Mr. Sweeney's coming. You wanna get busted?"

"Mr. Sweeney ain't gonna bust us."

(Mr. Sweeney approaches the boys)

"Hi Frank, how's it goin?"

"Great Mr. Sweeney. I finished all the problems last night."

"Good. Uh, Frank, can I talk to you for a second."

"Sure."

"I mean in private. Your friend won't mind, will he? I just want to talk to Frank for moment."

"Sure. Go ahead."

(Mr. Sweeney and Frank step down the hall and have a private conversation. When they're finished Frank walks back with a big grin on his face)

"What's so funny?"

(Frank is stoned and starts to giggle)

"What are you laughing about? What did Sweeney say?"

"He wants me to join his Bible Study Group."

"What?"

"Yeah, Sweeney goes to my church and he wants me to join his afterschool Bible Study Group. He says you're a bad influence on me."

(Now Joey starts to laugh. Frank joins him and they both start coughing and turning red from laughing so hard)

"You're gonna go to Bible Study Class with Sweeney?"

"Yeah. Why not. You're a bad influence, you little shit."

"I'm a bad influence. How about all those dopers at your church that you're always partying with."

"Fucking Sweeney. Can you believe that guy? It's like he wants to save me or something. C'mon, let's cut school for the rest of the day and go finish this lid."

"Naw, I can't."

"Why not?"

"I got a book report due 5th period. If I don't turn it in today then Garcia is going to knock off 50%."

"So what?"

"Man, I put a lot of work into that thing. I don't want to get 50% off."

"Alright, how about after school then. We'll finish the whole lid."

"Right on. We can't go to my house, though. My mom's home."

"Okay, we can go to my house but my grandmother's gonna be there. She won't bother us but we have to be quiet. You can't be blowing it, alright?"

"Yeah, alright. I won't blow it."

"I mean it."

"Ok. I swear I won't blow it. You got any munchies at your house?"



3. Frank and Joey after High School

"Hey Frank, where were you? Man, this party is dead. Everyone's all passed out."

"Hey Joey, come here. I want to show you something."

"What?"

"C'mon, upstairs."

"What do want to show me?"

"In here."

(Frank opens the door to one of the bedrooms)

"Who is that?"

"I don't know. Some chick. She's all passed out, man."

"So? Hey, wait a minute. I know that chick. She was in my chemistry class. Her name is Linda or Laurie or somthing like that."

"Who fucking cares, Joey. C'mon, let's do her."

"What?"

"Man, that chick is lights out. She ain't gonna know nothing."

"Are you fucking crazy?"

"No, I ain't fucking crazy. What's the matter with you? You turn queer or something?"

"C'mon Frank. Let's close the door and split, ok."

"Fucking eh, are you some kind of wuss or something? Are you gonna chicken out on me? Shit, I always knew you didn't have any balls, chicken-shit motherfucker."

"And what are you Frank? A rapist? Is that what you are?"

"Oh, excuse me Mr. High and Mighty, but it ain't rape. It ain't our fault if she can't hold her liquor. Shit, what's a chick like that expect?"

"Fuck you Frank."

"No, fuck you Joey, you little faggot. You don't want to do her than fine. Just walk on out of here and go find yourself some little queer boy to go fuck."

"Yeah, that's right. You know some time you might wanna try and get laid by someone who's actually conscious. Oh shit, that's right, I forgot. No chick would want to fuck you if she's conscious. Not when she gets a look at your ugly face."

"Man, that was funny. That was soooooo funny. How about I kick your ass or something? How funny would that be?"

"Shit, I don't know. That'd be pretty funny 'cause I'm just so scared of you. But I guess if you want to try then go on ahead."

"Fuck off, Joey."

"You always were all piss and no balls."

"Why don't you just get the fuck out of here, huh?"

"You coming with me."

"No. You gonna make me?"

"You're a fucking asshole, Frank. Find your own ride home. I'm taking off."

"Yeah, see you later shithead."

"You coming with me?"

"No."

"You're such an asshole."



4. Frank is married now and has a son

(Ding, dong)

"Who is it?"

"It's Joey. You there Frank?"

"Yeah, just a minute...hold on"

(Door opens. Frank stands there looking red and flustered)

"Hey Frank, what's happening. Sorry for dropping by without calling."

"Yeah, what you want Joey?"

"Nothing. I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by. Sorry, I should have called."

"Come on in."

"Who is it?" comes a voice from another room.

"It's Joey."

"What does he want?"

"Nothing. He just stopped by. Come on down."

(Sandy comes down the stairs. Her complexion is white and her hair is a mess but she doesn't fuss with it. Joey notices a welt under her left eye)

"Hey Sandy. Sorry for dropping by like this. Something happen to your face?"

"Oh, I tripped in the bathroom. It's ok. It's just a little swollen."

"Oh. It's no big deal. I just sort of noticed it, that's all."

(Frank asks Joey to come in)

"No, that's ok Frank. Look, I've come at a bad time."

"No, no, we were just watching TV that's all. Come on in."

(Frank turns around, looks at Sandy, and suddenly becomes very angry)

"Sandy, shit. What the fuck's the matter with you. Go fix up your hair or something. You look like a fucking mess."

(Sandy goes back up the stairs. Joey hears a baby start to cry)

"Sandy, goddam it. Will you do something with that baby. God Damn It. DO SOMETHING WITH THE BABY! Son of a fucking bitch!"

"Alright, alright" comes a voice from upstairs.

(Frank turns around to face Joey)

"Come on in, Joey."

"Look, this was a bad idea. You know, I was passing by and...

"No, c'mon in. It's not a bad time."

"Say Frank, I'm not trying to butt in or anything but were you and Sandy having an argument?"

"Nah, just husband and wife shit. You know. It wasn't nothing."

"Yeah. Hey, tell you what. I better go. I'll call next time, ok?"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Ok. Well good seeing you."

"Good seeing you too Frank. Take care."

"Yeah, sure thing Joey. We'll go shoot some pool or something."

"Yeah, I'll give you a call. See ya' Frank."


5. Years go by and Joey comes home for Thanksgiving

"Hi, mom."

"Joey, you made it. Oh, it's so good to see you."

"Where's dad?"

"He's in the other room watching the football game. Eddie and Barbara and Louise aren't here yet, and Jeff and Karen and the rest of the kids will be here a little later on. Did you have a good drive over?"

"Yeah, it was fine. No problems. Boy, the house sure looks good."

"Oh, it'll be so good to have all my children and grandchildren back here again. All the Smiths in one house again."

"You look good mom. How ya' feeling?"

"The doctor's got me on Calcium, you know. And of course my blood pressure's still high."

"Can't they do something about that?"

"Well, he gave me some pills and told me to cut down on my coffee. I'll be alright I guess."

"You know I was reading in the paper that drinking coffee isn't really..."

"Oh, guess who I saw yesterday. You remember Mrs. Wilson? You know, Frank's mother?"

"Yeah, sure I remember Mrs. Wilson."

"Well, she was at the store yesterday and I about fell over when I saw her. I almost didn't recognize her at first."

"Oh yeah, how's she look?"

"Oh she's much heavier now. And of course, a lot older too. But then aren't we all. And you know, she was telling me about Frank. You know he's working with lasers now, or something. She tried to explain it but I didn't know what she was talking about, but she said he's doing very well. He's got a nice house up in Fremont and travels to Europe and Asia for his business and doing really well. He's divorced too. Imagine that. Little Frankie, and I didn't even know he was married."

"Sure you did. Don't you remember I went to the wedding."

"Did you? I don't remember. Do you two still stay in touch?"

"No. Not for a long time."

"Why not. You two were such good friends, even when you were little babies. Frank was always so nice. And courteous. I remember he'd always say 'please, Mrs. Smith and no thank you, Mrs. Smith.' Such a nice young man."

(Yeah mom. Real nice. When he wasn't busy torturing animals that is, or using drugs, or raping unconscious women, or beating his wife? Other than that he was a real nice fella)

"Yeah, that was Frank. A real sweetheart."

"Oh, stop that. He was a very nice boy, and now he's doing so well. Why didn't you ever try lasers the way Frank did? Weren't you interested?"

"What? Are you saying I should have been more like Frank?"

"No, of course not. I'm very proud of you too. I'm proud of all my children. It's just that it seems like if Frank could do it, then you could have too."

"Oh bull, mom."

"What?"

"You want to know what Frank was like? You want me to tell you what he was really like?"

"What do you mean, dear...Oh, here's your father. Henry, look who's here."

"Well Joey. You made it."

"Hi dad. Good to see you. Who's winning the game?"

"Dallas. They're killing 'em. How was the traffic."

"No problem. No problem at all."

And The Ancient Empty Street's to Dead for Dreaming

There are probably holier places to spend Easter weekend than Las Vegas, but that's where I am. The reasons are simple, really. Some friends asked me if I'd like to use their timeshare in Las Vegas for a couple of days and I said sure. Why not? Do you think I'm crazy? Actually, since they had to be back in L.A. for the Easter weekend, and since the timeshare was already paid for, and since they hated to see it go to waste, and since they are very nice people, well...

Here I am. Vegas baby!

Let me say right off the bat that it's nice having rich friends. Trouble is I didn't know they were rich until I got a look at this condo. Wow. They must be loaded. You should see this place. It's on the 16th floor of the Las Vegas Hilton Resort with 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, kitchen, washer-dryer and a big old jacuzzi next to the master bedroom. I swear I feel like Howard Hughes living up here. Maybe I should show you a picture.

Hilary Hahn always takes these shots out of her hotel room window and posts them to her journal and I always wondered why anyone would want to do that. I still don't know why except, well, it's an internet thing I guess. Anyways, as you can see I'm a block west(?) of the strip, right next to the convention center. There are no conventions going on right now so it's very, very nice here. Close to the action but quiet, with no traffic or craziness going on outside.

So, that's the view out of my hotel window.

Other than that I don't have anything really profound to say about Las Vegas. It's not really a very profund town when you come to think about it. You've got your fake Mediterranean village, your fake Paris, your fake New York, your fake Monte Carlo, and on and on and on, and it's all meant more as a distraction than anything else. It's been about 15 years or so since the last time I was here and I can't believe how big it's gotten. I'd describe it as Orange County in the desert, because that's exactly what it is. All you need to do is add Disneyland and about a dozen more freeways and bingo, you'd be in Anaheim.

Of course these Las Vegas are smart and they've been careful not to repeat the mistakes that California made when it got big.

Right.

How about housing tracts and strip malls for as far as the eye can see, and no mass transit anywhere except for a privately funded monorail system which really only serves the needs of the big hotels. I hope these Las Vegans know what they're doing. I really do. I tell ya' if they keep building like this then in another 10 years or so this place is going to be just as gridlocked and smoggy as any Southern California megalopolis. And between the smoke inside the casinos and the smog outside don't be suprised if one day this town finally chokes on it's own fumes.

But that's in the future. Right now I'll just post some pic's I took up at Red Rock Canyon. It's not nearly as scenic as some other Red Rock areas in the Southwest (like Zion or Bryce Canyon), but the weather was beautiful and it was a great day to get out the ol' camera and do a little hiking. Happy Easter from Las Vegas.















From the Visitor Center




















Ah, Sandstone. The Great Basin is full of it.






















Ever driven across Nevada. This scene will probably look familiar.





















I give up. What's that supposed to be.




















It's a waterfalls, dummy. Pretty impressive, huh? Well, for Nevada it's impressive.

Meet John Doe

Once again it's time to check the ol' mailbag. Our first letter comes to us from our freinds Ken Mehlman, Bill Frist, J. Dennis Hastert and John Boehner over at the Republican National Committee.

"Dear Fellow Republican," they write,

"You are among a select group of Republicans who have been chosen to take part in the official Census of The Republican Party."

Select group? Who, me? Gosh, such an unexpected honor for someone so humble as myself. To be asked to take part in "The Official Census of the Republican Party." Such an awesome burden. I don't know what to say guys. I...I...I..., guess I'll just try to do my best. Better yet, why don't I ask the readers to take the Census along with me. You know, sort of play along at home.

Ready, here goes:

1. Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans?

Well, heck yeah. At least I think so. Actually...truth is, I get a little worried sometimes when this Administration starts talking securty, you know what I mean. To me security is being able to walk down the street without getting mugged or murdered. Unfortunately, I think the Administration is a little more ambitious when it comes to security. They see it as being more about secret courts and secret trials and spying on citizen's and things like that. I think I'll have to take a pass on this question until I get some more information. Are we talking about the Sheriff Taylor kind of security, sort of friendly and neighborly, or are we talking about Robespierre and the Committee of Public Safety? Clarify please.

2. Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attacks on America?

Sure, if you think it'll do any good. How many airstrikes have we launched against Osama bin Laden? Guess that taught him a lesson.

3. Do you continue to support increasing the amount of security at airports, train stations and all government buildings including monuments and museums?

I think I'll turn this one over to the audience. What do you think people? Anyone here want dangerous museums?

4. Should the Inheritance or "Death Tax" be permanently repealed?

No. The Inheritance Tax affects a very small and wealthy portion of the population, like Senators and Congressmen and National Committe Chairs. Next question.

5. Do you support President Bush's pro-growth policies to create more jobs and improve the economy?

I support common sense, and I support policies which encourage saving and investment and discourage mindless, rampant borrowing and consumpti0n. Is that what President Bush supports?

6. Do you think Congress should focus on cutting the federal budget deficit by reducing wasteful government spending?

No, I think they should cut the budget by increasing wasteful government spending. Geez, what kind of question is that?

7. Should students, teachers, principals and administrators be held to higher standards?

I'm all for holding the other guy to higher standards. Now, if we're all through here I'd like to get back to other room and watch that new Rob Schneider movie.

8. Do you agree that teaching our children to read and increasing literacy rates should be a national priority?

Yes, but give them something interesting to read. I wonder if any of these education reformers has ever actually read a textbook (and stayed awake long enough to reach the end of the chapter.)

9. Do you support President Bush's plan to make our schools more accountable to parents and to restore local control of education?

Are we talking about banning biology in Kansas? Please, let's not be coy, ok. Here's where I part company with the Republican Party.

10. Do you support the law, passed by the Republican Congress and signed by President Bush, that bans partial-birth abortions?

I wouldn't touch that question with a 10 foot pole. In my life I've known people on both sides of this issue, and I've never met a one that's ever changed their mind. Let's just leave it at that.

11. Do you support the President's efforst to save Social Security for future generations?

Is that what he was trying to do? Could have fooled me. I thought he was trying to privatize it.

12. Do you think Congress should pass legislation on the Federal Marriage Amendment?

I feel kind of stupid for admitting this, but I don't know what that is. Could you please explain?

13. Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations commanders?

I think that's a question for the next war. Right now we should concentrate on how we're gonna get the hell out of Iraq.

14. Do you agree that our top military priority should be fighting terrorists?

No, our top military priority should be figuring out how we're gonna get the hell out of Iraq.

15. Should the U.S. continue work on building a defense shield against nuclear missle attack?

Where did that question come from? I think a shield against nuclear missle attack is a great idea, but I don't think it should be limited to the U.S. As long as we're building a shield I think it would be a good faith gesture to extend the umbrella to all the peoples of the world.

16. Do you support the election of Republican candidates across the country and rebuilding our majorities over the next ten years?

Sure, but not in Kansas.

17. Did you vote in the year 2000?

Yep. Wanna know who I voted for?

18. Will you join the Republican National Committe by making a contribution today?

Ok, alright, I get it now. "Select group" you said. "Official Census" you explained. Hah! I see what's going on around here. You guys just want more money. Money, money, money, money, money, money. That's all we ever hear from you. I guess now that Jack Abramoff is in jail things are getting a little tight up there in Washington, eh? Well, tough. You guys don't care what I think. You were just jerking me around, trying to shake me down for more cash. Huh. Go beg somewhere else.

Please make your personal check payable to: RNC

Is that before or after I toss this Census of yours in the trash.

Breaking News



Ask and ye shall receive. Just to prove that the Lord really does read this blog and hears my whining complaints about the lousy weather we've been having around here, the rains stopped and the clouds parted and we had a lovely day here in Northern California. On my daily walk the sun was shining and the birds were singing, and I snapped this washed-out picture with my crappy camera phone just to prove it.

Ah, the sun at last.

Oh, and note the water level too. During the summer this creek is usually just a skinny little stream at the bottom of the creekbed, but as you can see the persistent rains have filled the creek's entire u-shaped bowl with water. I'd say the waters are a good 10 to 15 feet above their usual levels, and the bushes you see off to the left are actually the tops of trees that have been submerged beneath the rushing creek. Unfortunately that's not really clear from this picture.

Anyways, that's all for my quick little follow-up from Northern California where the skies have cleared but more storms are predicted for the weekend. And here's a handy little travel trip for those who might be planning a trip to the Bay Area this summer.

*Tip* If ever there was a year to see the Yosemite Valley, this is the year. With all this rain and snow we've had I guarantee you that the falls will be full of gushing water. Sure, that's bound to mean long lines and traffic jams, but there are always long lines and traffic jams in Yosemite. At least the views will be worth it this year. Pack the kids and bring your camera.

Washed In Life's River

Ok, enough is enough. You know this isn't funny anymore. I just hope you folks out there in the rest of the country are enjoying the sunshine wherever you're at because up here in Northern California we haven't seen the sun since February. I'm not kidding. One day it's cloudy then the next day it rains. And then the next day it's cloudy again and the day after that it rains. It's been going on and on like this for over a month now and the ground is soaked and the streets are soaked and I'm soaked, and even though I don't live anywhere near a creek or a river it sure was peculiar to look out my front window this morning and see Burt Reynolds go paddling by in a canoe.

Ah, enough about that. I'm tired of talking about the weather but since I'm stuck here inside tonight I thought I might as well write about something. All I need is something to talk about. Hmmm, here's a semi-interesting topic:

The cost of things.

If you've been watching the news lately doesn't it seem like every other story is about how much it's gonna cost to fix something that's broke. Billions to fix New Orleans, billions to fix the infrastructure, billions to secure our borders, billions to rebuild foreign countries, billions for health care and homeland security and education and blah, blah, blah... I wonder if anyone's thought about hiring an auditor or home inspection type person to just go through all the things that need fixing and total up the costs. I bet it would come to petillions and petillions of dollars if you were to actually add it all up.

Which leads to one obvious conclusion. Namely, America needs some cash. Sure we could save more or we could sell more and try to raise some money that way, but I have a better idea. I think we need to do some empire building. Think about it. That's what the Romans did, isn't it. That's what the British did. That's the way you did things in the old days. When you needed cash you'd raise an army or build a navy and go colonize someone, and that's what America needs to do now. We need to find some country that we can subjugate and exploit and go invade them.

I nominate Canada.

Canada's got lots of natural resources and more than a little gold in their treasury, and we wouldn't even have to invade them. We could just send our armies up their dressed as tourists and they'd never know the difference. And then one day BAM, we take off our disguises and overrun them in a suprise attack. Easy as pie if you ask me. Venezuela would be another good country we could invade. They've got plenty of oil and hell, they aren't doing anything with it. I bet there's all kinds of countries we could occupy and loot and lord knows we could use the cash. Time to do a little empire building if you ask me.

Just something to think about, and not much of a topic really. Oh well.

Hmmm...

I got this new CD from the record store today. It's called Songs of Innocence and of Experience by the composer William Bolcom. I heard some excerpts of it on a podcast and it sounded pretty interesting. Won a grammy too. In case you're completely clueless let me explain that this is a huge work based on the writings of William Blake that spans 3 CD's and manages to incorporate just about every musical style in the book from "intense dissonance to folk, rock and reggae" (that quote is from the back cover). I was paging through the b0oklet and it says that it takes close to 450 people to perform it live. Pretty amazing. I can't wait to hear the whole thing.

Yeah, I know. Pretty exciting, huh? Well, what else is there to do on a rainy night?

Dead Cat Sees The Future

"Hey Harve, how's it goin'?"

"Oh, got this pain in my back. Doctor thinks it might be another kidney stone."

"That's too bad. Say, how 'bout this rain, huh? I heard the girl on the weather say this might be the rainiest March in history. How 'bout that? Man, I can't remember the last time I saw the sun shine."

"We used to get rain like this back in Core-eah. Snow too. Colder 'n a sonofabitch. Man, was I glad to get out of there. "

"You never got rain like this in Core-eah. Not like this. I swear it's been raining so long I can't even remember what the sun looks like. How 'bout you? You remember what the sun looks like?"

"The sun?"

"Yeah, the sun. You remember what it looks like?"

"Let me see...yeah I think so. It's been a while though. Let me see...yeah, it was this big yellow thing that used to rise in west each morning and turn the sky blue."

"That wasn't the sun."

"Sure it was. Big yellow thing."

"The sun wasn't yellow, it was orange. And it didn't rise in the west, it rose in the east. Anybody knows that."

"What are you talking about. Don't you think I remember what the sun looked like? Every morning it used to rise right over there by the ocean and make the whole sky blue."

"It SET over the ocean. It used to RISE over there by them hills and at night it would SET over there by the ocean."

"Weren't no sun out at night. What's wrong with you. I'm telling you I remember it as if it was yesterday and I say the sun..."

(We interrupt this blog to bring you this financial report)

"Hello everyone, and welcome to Business on Business, the business show where business reporters talk to business people about business. I'm Rebecca Powerhair and tonight I'll be speaking with Peabody S. Cummins, Chief Analyst with E.C. Pickens Advisors, a Wall Street investment firm. Mr. Cummins, welcome to the show."

"My pleasure Rebecca. It's fun being on TV."

"Yes. Now Mr Cummins we had..."

"Hi kids!"

"Excuse me."

"I was just saying hi to my kids back home in Connecticut. 'Hi kids', hee, hee, hee."

"How incredibly cute. Now Mr. Cummins, as you know the Fed issued a statement on the economy and raised interest rates another 25 basis points. What does this mean for the economy?"

"Well I think this latest move was widely anticipated by the markets, Rebecca. Furthermore, I think the markets anticipated that this would be anticipated and therefore anticipated that others would anticipate the anticipation as well. Of course, everyone anticipated this so they were not suprised that further anticipation would result and that this too would be anticipated and..."

"MR CUMMINS! Sir, if you don't mind. What does this mean for interest rates? Are we likely to see further hikes?"

"Yes, another 25 basis points in May, perhaps, and then we'll probably take a little breather."

"Interesting. Did anything else come out of the March meeting that caught your attention."

"Well, I did see a picture in one of the local papers of Mr. Bernanke picking his nose."

"Yes I saw that too. Do you think he was signalling the markets."

"Well, that's always possible. Of course it might also have been a case of him not realizing that the camera was there, but I don't think so. This was clearly a deliberate signalling on his part."

"I see. What can we expect?"

"Clearly the markets have become congested lately and need to open up."

"And you think Mr. Bernanke intends to do that in the months ahead?"

"Well, Rebecca. You know there's an old saying that the problem is not picking your nose, but what to do with the booger."

"That's unbelievably vulgar and disgusting Mr. Cummins. Frankly, sir, I'm suprised that you would think that the CNBC network or this show would stand for such a comment."

"Oh, am I on CNBC? My apologies Rebecca. I thought this was FOX."

"Mr. Peabody Cummins. Thank you for talking with us tonight."

"My pleasure."

(We now return you to the normally scheduled blog already in progress)

"Bill Schmidt. You remember Bill Schmidt?"

"Sure, Bill Schmidt. The little german fellow who had a stroke while he was riding the casino bus up to Tahoe."

"No, no, no. That was Larry Mays. Larry Mays had the stroke. I'm talking about Bill Schmidt. The guy who used to work at the bowling alley. "

"No, doesn't ring a bell. Don't think I ever met him."

"Sure you did. He used to work at the bowling alley."

"I wasn't much of a bowler, and besides, I never knew any Bill Schmidt."

"Well Bill Schmidt told me once that sometimes he wouldn't get out work until early in the morning and he'd go sit on one of the benches down by the pier and just watch the sun come up. Bill Schmidt told me that. He'd sit right there on the bench and watch the sun come up. So I know I'm right. The sun rises in the west."

"Did he say it rose over the ocean or over the hills."

"He said he sat on that bench down by the pier and watched the sun rise."

"Over the ocean? Did he say it rose over the ocean?"

"You're not listening to what I'm saying. Bill Schmidt was the fellow from the bowling alley and he told me that he sat on a bench by the pier and watched the sun rise."

"Yeah, but did he say it rose over the ocean?"

"Well, of course it did. He was sitting right there on the pier. Of course it rose over the ocean."

"Well it could of rose over the hills, you know. You can see the hills from the pier too."

"He didn't say nothing about no hills. "

"And I'm telling you that the sun rises in the east. It don't rise over the ocean and I don't care what Bill Schmidt says. "

"Well, he's dead now."

"He is?"

"Yeah. Heart attack. Couple of years ago. Poor ol' Bill."

(We interrupt this blog to bring you this important political announcement)

"Now we bring you highlights from Senator Jones' speech on immigration reform given earlier today."

"Friends, I know you're down. You're asking yourself 'What have I done Lord to deserve this?'. Well, I'm here to tell you that you've done nothing to deserve any of this. The problem isn't you, friends, it's Them."

"Them" murmurs the crowd.

"Ask yourself 'why is everything so expensive?' Well, I'll tell you. It's Their fault. Ask yourself 'why are all the factories shutting down?' Let me tell you again. It's Their fault. Ask yourself 'Why is there so much violence and crime? Why can't I feel safe walking down the street? It's Their fault, my friends. They're the ones doing this to you."

"It's Their fault" answers the crowd.

"That's right friends. Why are our soldiers dying in foreign lands? Why aren't we winning this war? It's because of Them. It's because this country cares more about Them than it does the lives of it's own citizens."

"It's Them, it's Them" roars the crowd.

"Yes, my friends. They're the ones who are sucking this country dry. It's Them that are bleeding away our resources. It's Them that are taking your jobs, it's Them that are ruining your schools, it's Them that are stealing the future from the mouths of your children."

"Them, Them, Them, Them" chants the crowd.

"So what are we to do? What are we to do about Them?"

"We'll hang 'em from the old oak tree" one woman cries.

"Are we going to let Them take our jobs?"

"No!"

"Are we going to let Them take our country?"

"No!"

"Are we going to let Them take the food from our babies mouths?"

"Get Them, get Them, get Them, get Them" the frenzied crowd screams.

"That's right, friends. I'm with you. But you know there's an election coming up and some people think a new fella ought to take this job. Someone who won't feel the way I do. Someone who'll coddle to Them. Someone who'll give in to Them. Someone who'll give Them your job and leave your family with nothing."

"We want Jones! We want Jones! We want Jones!"

"Thank you friends."

(And now we return you to the regularly scheduled blog in progress)

"Of course after Cora died I just didn't have the energy to do things anymore. Didn't matter much to me whether the sun was shining or not. I tried travelling but I didn't like going places by myself. And I tried gardening for a while, but then the arthritis starting getting worse and worse. Most days I'd just sit and watch the TV."

"Didn't your daughter come by and help?"

"My daughter? You mean Susan? Sure she'd come by every now and then and clean up the place a little. But most of the time she was too busy with her work to come and spend any time with me. Too busy jetting around the country and going to her fancy meetings to spend any time with her old dad. My daughter. Huh."

"Oh, c'mon now. I met Susan and she seemed very nice. And she's always worrying about you and asking how you're doing. I wish I had a daughter like that to come look after me."

"She's the one who put me here you know. Took me out of the house I spent my whole life working for, the house I planned to live out the rest of my life in. The house me and Cora bought and raised a family in. That was our house. She had no right to take it away from me."

"She shouldn't have done that. Better to let you die than do that."

"That's right. Better to die in your home than in a place like this. Don't mean nothing to them. People die here all the time. Better to die in you own home."

(We interrupt this blog once again for some important tech news)

"Hello, and welcome to Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California where Apple CEO Steve Jobs is scheduled to make an important announcement. We have a few minutes before the speech is slated to begin so perhaps we should take some time to interview some of the Apple faithful in attendance. Hello, what is you're name?"

"My names Zach."

"Can you tell us why you came here today?"

"To see Steve Jobs. Man, this is just so incredible."

"What are you expecting Mr. Jobs to announce? Any ideas?"

"The path, man."

"The path?"

"Yeah, you see Steve loves me."

"He loves you?"

"Yeah, I know it sounds weird, 'cause, like, you know, I'm just a nobody and all. But Steve Jobs loves me. I know he does. He loves all of us, man, and that's why we come here to hear his message. It's because he loves us and wants to show us the true path."

"Are you sure? Because, honestly, I think he just wants to sell you stuff."

"No, man, he loves us. It's like we're all put on this earth with no clue, no idea of where to go next. And Steve, he comes and he shows us the next step. He knows where to go, and we follow. Without these announcements, we'd be, like, lost, you know. Steve shows us the way."

"I see. I've heard that Apple has kind of a cult following but I wasn't expecting anything quite like this."

"Apple is the word, and Steve is the prophet."

"Yeah, ok. By the way, what's that say on your T-Shirt? 'Think Different'. Is that what that says?"

"Yeah, 'Think Different'. It's kind of like our slogan, you know. We all wear the T-Shirts."

"You mean you all wear T-Shirts that say 'Think Different'. Doesn't that seem a little strange to you? Everybody wearing the same shirt that says 'Think Different'".

"You don't get it, man. Apple gets it. Nobody else gets it, but Apple gets it."

"Yes, but it seems contradictory, you know. 'Think Different' and everybody wearing the same thing."

"Apple just gets it, man. You don't get it. Apple get's it."

"Well it looks like there's been some kind of delay down here at Apple headquarters so we'll throw it back to you in the newsroom. Hopefully, we'll have something for you a little later in the newscast."

(We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog in progress)

"Well, whatever way the sun rises it doesn't look like we're ever gonna see it again. Least not in our lifetimes, eh Harve? Harve? Hey Harvey, you asleep?"

Zzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Yeah, looks like you dozed off. I'm feeling pretty tired myself. Hey Nurse. Nurse. I'd like to go back to my room now."

"So soon? Did you and Mr. Cznewski have a nice little talk?"

"We argued. For an hour and a half we argued. What do you expect from a couple of old goats."

"What we're you arguing about?"

"The sun."

"?"

"Don't ask. Listen, I'd like to go back to my room and lie down for a little while."

"Okay, I'll ask Joaquin to take you back up."

"Tell him to hurry, will you. I don't know how long I can hold my bladder."

"He'll be right out. Just wait right there."

"Sure I'll wait here. Where am I gonna go? Down to the Copacabana for a little cha-cha-cha?"

"Joaquin, can you take Mr. Myers back to his room."

"Sure. All tired out from your long day, Mr. Myers."

"I gotta pee."

"Well, try to hang on till we get you back to your room, ok. Joaquin don't mind wheeling you around but he sure don't want to do any mop duty today, ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just hurry up will you."

"Have you there in a jiffy. How about Harvey? You want me to wake him up so you can say goodbye?"

"No, let him sleep. I got nothing to say to him anyways."

"You're the boss. Hang on, now. We wouldn't want to lose you in the elevator."

"Save the jokes and hurry it up before I make a mess down here, ok?"

No Post Tonight, Just Pretty New Faces

No Blog tonight. I'm too busy reading Michael Gordon's new book Cobra II. Finally a book that looks at the Iraq War from a macro perspective. No personal memoirs or political axes to grind, just the events as they occurred both in Washington and in Baghdad. If you ask me, anyone who starts giving you their opinions about that war that hasn't read this book is just blowing a lot of hot air our their...

Be that as it may, this book should be on the bestsellers list. The fact that it isn't just shows me that there are a lot of people who made up their minds about this war a long time ago and aren't interested in what really happened. Either that or they just wish the war would go away. I'm about a third of the way through and I can't put it down.

But like I said, no blog tonight. I just wanted to test out this new Hilary Hahn banner ad thingy that hopefully is appearing somewhere in the right hand column. I thought my blog needed a little youth and beauty to kind of brighten the atmosphere so I added it to the template. And no, Deutsche Gramaphone isn't paying me for running the spot. Which really pisses me off! Hey, DG, you know Walmart pays their bloggers.

Happy Birthday Bennie!


As Americans we are intimately concerned with the culture and history of our neighbors to the north and south. That's why on this 21st day of March we join with our Mexican brethren to celebrate and honor the birthday of Benito Juarez. Happy birthday Bennie! Which brings us to today's quiz question:

Benito Juarez? Who the hell was that?

He was a
A. Mexican Bandit
B. Mexican President
C. Mexican General
D. Mexican Priest
E. All of the above

Ok, that was a trick question. Let's face it, except for The Brady Bunch, the disco craze, and that British moptop group that grandma used to listen to, most Americans are only dimly aware of their own history, let alone Mexican history. It's a little much to expect them to know who Benito Juarez was. Here's a brief summary.


Benito Juarez was a Zapoteca Indian born in 1806 in Oaxaca region of southern Mexico. Although born into poverty, in 1831 he graduated school with a law degree and quickly began a career in politics that was to take him from local judgeship to the Mexican presidency in 1861. Upon finding the Mexican government broke he suspended debt repayments to major European powers inviting the invasions of 1862 and 1863 which forced him from office and put Maximilian on the Mexican throne.

After Maximilian's execution in 1867 Juarez was once again elected president of Mexico and served in that position until his death in 1872. During his life, however, Juarez became known not only as a great Mexican patriot but also a great reformer who sought to secularize and modernize Mexican society. He seized church lands, supported equal rights for the Indians, built railroads and schools, and drafted laws which guaranteed basic freedoms for all Mexicans. His birthday is celebrated each year in Mexico and he is remembered as one of Mexico's greatest heroes.

There, now you know a little about him, and as you can see he doesn't really look like Paul Muni at all (that's a movie joke). On second thought, maybe just a little.

Anyways, after Juarez's death came the dictatorship of Porifiro Diaz and the invasion of Mexico by foreign business interests. You know, corruption and bandits and lawlessness and all those things we associate with modern Mexico today. Not that any of that was Juarez' fault, so why not celebrate his birthday just the same.

Speaking of Mexico, the Murky News had a story just today about drug gangs that are shooting up the city of Nuevo Laredo. It's a big problem that's been going on for quite some time. Presidente Fox promised to clean up the town and sent a General and troops from the PFP (Federal Preventative Police) to restore order, but unfortunately the General has mysteriously disappeared and once again we are hearing stories of police corruption on both sides of the border.

The American response to all this violence has been to scold the Mexicans about thier drug problem and build a wall. Actually, we haven't built the thing yet but we're getting ready to. The wall is seen as a concession to those Americans who see the border problem best solved by sending 12 divisions of armored infantry down to the border and shooting Mexicans on sight. Cooler heads have prevailed, however, and the wall is seen as a better solution, and less bloody too. Many Americans feel let down by all this and find the idea of less blood disappointing, but our brave leaders in Washington have been looking at the demographics and have come to realize that pretty soon there's gonna be more hispanics in this country than white folk. Not a good time to go hating Mexicans, it's said, and so they have turned to hating Arabs instead. (In case you weren't following the news a couple of weeks ago, it's ok to hate Arabs now. Congress has made it official).

So there you go. We're gonna build this wall and that's gonna take care of all our border problems. No more illegal immigration and no more drug wars. And it's not as if we haven't chided the Mexicans on this. "Holy cow" we've told them, "if you'd stop having all those illegal drugs over there then we wouldn't have to be spend all this money buying 'em". Of course now we've got this wall and I guess that means there won't be anymore drug problems in America. Hallelujah. If the Mexicans wanna go on murdering each other then that's there business. Just leave us out of it.

Actually, we're not building the wall to keep the drugs out. I just made that up. Wall or no wall, we want our illegal drugs. No, we're building the wall to keep poor working people out of our fields and office buildings. This part I'm not making up. We're gonna build this wall and then no more illegals will be crossing the borders and that'll free up jobs so that all those laid-off factory workers and customer service reps can start living in migrant camps and picking our strawberries. Congress has got this all figured out.

Well, not quite. There's also the problem of illegals who are already here, but Congress has a solution for that too. They're proposing legislation that would make it a crime to assist an illegal alien. I'm not sure what they mean by "assist" but I assume it would include things like food and water and a place to sleep. That's what some Catholic preists think, anyways, and let me tell you they're not too happy about it. They feel it is their duty as christians to give comfort and aid to the needy and they're threatening civil disobedience if this law passes (it'll pass). So now Congress is faced with the prospect of jailing priests and bishops as well as illegal aliens if the law is enacted (it'll be enacted).

Oh brother, what a mess. And to top it all off who do we see at the front of this charge to criminalize comfort and aid to the needy? Who is that standing shoulder to shoulder with these anti-alien neocons? Why it's none other than Lou Dobbs(?), that's who. Yeah, no kidding. That Lou Dobbs. Guess he just hates it when someone gives a working man a drink of water.

Well, what can you say. It is the pressing social problem of our time, this immigration thing that is. Nothing else comes close. Take this article I was reading in the New York Times, for instance. Apparently, someone has done a study of different socioeconomic groups in America and found that of all the different groups they studied only black males are failing to progress up the economic ladder. Whites, hispanics, asians, even black females are all gaining ground, but black males are going in the opposite direction. A greater share of them are unemployed, a greater number of them are going to prison and a greater number of them are dropping out of school.

Yeah, I know what you're saying. This whole black-white thing is so sixties. Well, maybe, and I don't claim to have any answers. But it is a problem. Inner city poverty and crime and drug use and all the rest of it does have an effect on society. It would be nice to find out why black males, exclusive of every other socioeconomic group, are falling behind and dropping out of society. But then again what is any of this compared to the immigration problem. I'm sure the crew cleaning our offices every night is much more of a problem for society than poverty, crime and overcrowded jails.

Yeah, let's build a wall.

Old Dogs and New Tricks

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Tonight's topic will be "New things I've learned while listenening to podcasts." As you know I'm quite a fan of this new internet phenomena called podcasting and I'd like to share something interesting I heard while listening to one of those podcasts today. The name of the particular podcast I'm referring to is The Rosary Army Catholic Podcast, and before you get up to leave let me just explain that it's not what it sounds like. Yes, it's a podcast but they aren't saying the Rosary, they don't have an Army, and you don't have to be a Catholic to listen. It's just a twice weekly show done by the husband and wife team of Greg and Jennifer who spend a half hour or so rambling on about whatever's going on in their life.

(Can you imagine anyone wanting to listen to someone ramble on and on about whatever's on their mind? I hope this sort of thing doesn't spill over into the blogosphere)

So I was listening to the Rosary Army today (that would be the March 14, 2006 broadcast for those of you taking notes) and I learned something I never knew before. Did you know that...

Well, maybe I should give a little background first. Greg and Jennifer have 2 sons that they talk about and share the podcast with from time to time, and, well, sons being sons I guess it's fair to say that they get a little rambunctious at times. Now I have some experience with this being that I used to be a son myself, and I remember quite well the many times that my brothers and I used to drive my mother crazy. I think that's all just a normal part of the mother-son relationship, and I think it was always accepted as such. Accepted, that is, until what we came to what has been called the "era of modern parenting".

I don't want to bore anyone by talking about the good ol' days here, but let's face it - parenting used to be different. Especially a hundred years ago when I was coming up. Back then whenever I would drive my mother crazy she would, as most mothers would, yell and scream and tell me to "knock it off", only my mother was japanese so she wouldn't use the words "knock it off" but their somewhat ruder japanese equivalents. Anyways, that was the way it was. Mothers didn't try to reason with their sons back then, they didn't coax or cajole or apologize to their sons for all of life's inequities. Mothers simply asserted their authority and that was the end of that.

Needless to say mothers don't do that anymore. Not in the "era of modern parenting". Let me tell you a little story.

Back when I was around 12 or so I got into a rock throwing contest with my friend D. Across the street from my house there was an empty lot and behind the lot there was small cliff, and my friend D and I were standing in the street and throwing rocks over the empty lot and over the cliff to see who could throw the highest and the farthest. It wasn't the most fun I've ever had in my life but it was something to do on a Saturday afternoon.

I should also explain that there was a house on top of the cliff and both D and I were very careful not to throw any rocks towards the house but rather to the empty area that sat beside the house. What we didn't know at the time but would learn later was that the owner of the house, Mr. O, had a son who happened to be visiting that day. What we also didn't know was that Mr. O's son had a little sports car that he had parked beside Mr. O's house while he was inside visiting. And of course what we never could have imagined was the kind of temper Mr. O's son would show when he heard something hit his car and found that someone had put a 3 foot crack in his windshield.

Of course, it didn't take Mr. O's son very long to put two and two together and figure out who did it, and to make a long story short he found out where the both of us lived and had a talk to our parents. And here's the point of my little story. My father, being the old-fashioned sort was none too pleased and, after writing a check for the damage, told me that as far as he was concerned Mr. O's son now owned me. That is, I was told to go up to Mr. O's house and tell his son I was sorry and ask him what I could do to work it off. Only after I had worked off the damage I had done could I return to him and ask to allowed back into the bosom of the family. That's the way it was done in the old days.

And that is why I spent the next weekend cleaning out Mr. O's garage as penance for my carelessness, and let me tell you if you could have seen Mr. O's garage then you might understand how high a price that was to pay. Personally, I think I would have rather just bought him a new windshield.

Anyways, as I was cleaning out Mr. O's garage who should I see standing across the street but D, my co-conspirator, sitting on his lawn and smoking a cigarette. D was two years younger than me but his parents let him smoke cigarettes in the house. My parents didn't let me smoke in the house until I was 17, and then they'd always give me grief for it. But D's parents were cool. He was only 10 but they'd still let him smoke in the house and his mom would even go out to the store to buy him cartons, but that wasn't until a few years later.

So like I said, there I was cleaning out that stinking junkpile of a garage and there was D kicking back on his lawn and smoking a cigarette because his parents didn't make him apologize to Mr. O's son or offer to work it off. That was because he had cool, modern parents, not the old fashioned ones like I did. I always resented him for that, but that was just the modern way. And nowdays, sheesh, if some kid breaks your windshield and you go up to his parents to tell him what he just did, they aren't going to get mad at the kid. They're going to get mad at you for making the accusation and you'll be lucky if they don't call the cops or take you to court and sue you.

"How dare you show anger towards my perfect child. Get out of here before I call the police."

That's the way it is, I'm telling ya'. Work it off? Are you kidding me? Just as an epilogue to my little story I should say that because of my old-fashioned parents I grew up to be a responsible, hard-working member of society and D grew up to be a lazy, indolent bum. I should say that but I don't think it's true. I mean it could be, but I don't know. You see D dropped out of school when he was 15 and was married with 2 kids (she had their first kid back when she was in high school) by the time he was 19, so his parents bought them a house in Tracy to kind of get them started, and that was the last time I ever saw any of them. Knowing how housing prices have gone up in California, I think it's a fair bet that D's doing just fine.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, modern parenting. Like I said, I was listening to the Rosary Army Catholic Podcast and Jennifer (the mother) started talking about these 2 boys of hers. She said she had been worried that they always played so rowdy and rough so she decided to take them to something called a "Play" therapist.

Have you ever heard of that before?

I know I'm out of the loop on this stuff but do they really have therapists these days that teach children how to play? Oh brother, the things you learn by listening to podcasts. These poor kids. No sooner do you get them home from the hospital than you have to call the clinic and get them in to see their therapist. I mean you have to do that soon, don't you? Kids start playing pretty early on, don't they? I'm sure you don't want them playing on their own. Not without proper treatment first.

"Hi Sally. How's your little boy?"

"Oh he's wonderful."

"How old is he now?"

"He'll be four months on the 21st."

"Four months? Does he have a therapist yet?"

"Oh yes, we took him to see the shrink right away. We didn't want to wait, you know. We both thought the sooner the better."

"Well, what does the therapist say?"

"She was a little worried at first. She saw the way the baby was playing with the pacifier and thought he might be internalizing a little too much, you know? But we tried some exercises and everything seems to going ok now."

"Oh good. Better to nip it in the bud."

"Yeah. We're excited. In fact just last week the therapist told us that if all goes well with the rattler then it might be ok to start him in with his first rubber ducky in about another month or two."

"So soon?"

"Oh I know. I think we'll hold off a little while before we do that. Maybe get a second opinion."

"Good idea."

Oh well, they're not my kids so who am I to start talking. If Greg and Jennifer want take their sons to a "Play" therapist then more power to them. I kind of get the feeling that this is more Jennifer's idea than Greg's though. Don't you? You kind of get the feeling Greg's only going along with it because he doesn't want to argue about it anymore. That's the way it is with husbands sometimes. Wives just seem to wear them out.

Anyway, that's what I've learned while listening to podcasts. I want to thank you all for attending and have a safe drive home.

Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head

Well the weather has been crap around here. Yeah, yeah, I know. A couple of weeks ago I was posting pic's of sunshine and blue skies on this here blog thing, and ever since then the weather has gone straight downhill. I guess I was asking for it, but geez - rain, wind, hail, ice, snow...you name it, we've had it. It's like Mother Nature decided to cram a hundred years of weather into just two lousy weeks. So much for California Dreamin'. And in case you're wondering, the forecast for tomorrow is another storm moving in.

It's alright though. I don't mind. At least the air is clean and the hills are green and at nights you can look up and see the little stars twinkling in the heavens. Ahhhhhh....

Other than that there's been nothing happening in California. And I mean NOTHING. A couple of months ago the politicians were making speeches up in Sacramento, telling everybody that this was a new day in California, that there was a new spirit of cooperation, that the governor and the legislature were ready to roll up their sleeves and get California pointed in the right direction and all that.

Right.

Of course no one believed them, and to our credit we haven't been disappointed. I'm sure they were sincere when they said it (right), but unfortunately 2006 is an election year and both parties seem preoccupied at the moment. I guess that "getting California pointed in the right direction" stuff will have to wait.

What we have now is kind of an eerie calm, a sort of political void if you will. I don't know exactly how to describe it except to say that it's like we have two great armies camped out on either side of a river. As each side huddles around its fires and plans its strategies there is this sense of forboding hanging in the air. Oh sure, every now and then someone will make a speech and the other side will attack it and correspondents will scribble it all down, but this is mere skirmishing. There is a great battle planned for the morrow and we can only wait and watch as each side probes the other's weaknesses.

Who's gonna win? Beats me. At this early stage all the polls are showing a large undecided vote in the state. Personally, though, I think Arnold should call his agent and see if there are any movie offers for 2007. Hate to say that because I thought he had some good ideas, but in the end he proved too politcally green behind the ears to really make a go of it. In fact, his had to be the Titanic of political careers. I mean he started out so fast and strong and looked so unsinkable, and then he hit that iceberg called "the California public employees unions" and, man, I've never seen a politician take on so much water or sink so fast. Of course there are some pundits who say he can still mount a comeback but I don't see how. Not when the Democrats hate his guts and when the Republicans aren't really sure and when he's got his bow buried in 100 feet of sand at the bottom of the ocean.

Oh well, stranger things have happened.

Let's see, I've talked about the weather, I've talked a little politics, hmmm...what else is going on in the ol' Golden State. Oh yeah, the Mercury News. The San Jose Mercury News, our little local gazette, was bought by the McClatchy Group this week, whereupon they promptly put it back on the auction block to be sold again. They haven't found a buyer yet but I'm sure they're working on it. I'd suggest taking out an ad in the classifieds but then who reads the classifieds anymore. Better to post it up on Craigslist, eh?

No, no, no, I don't want to kick 'em when they're down. I've always thought it was a fine paper and certainly a hell of lot better than that pink and green thing they read up north, but these are hard times for the newspaper business. Actually it's not the "news" part that's having such a hard go of it, it's more the "paper" part. Seems like more and more people are getting their news from the internet these days and don't see much value in paying the papers 50 cents for day old news, not when they can get the up-to-the-minute stuff off the Net for free. Frankly I don't know what the newspapers can do about it. About all I can suggest is www.blogspot.com, although the pays not so good.

The real problem is advertising, of course. Advertisers want that "targeted" advertising like you can get on the internet, and they aren't real enthusiastic about newspapers anymore. Which brings up an interesting point. Namely, I see Google Adsense ads all over the place but I can't recall the last time I ever clicked on one. In fact, I don't think I've ever clicked on one except by accident. Now I know I'm not normal this way, and that all of the rest of you out there surfing the net are clicking on these things like crazy and that's why Google's stock is going up and up and it's market cap is soon going to be larger than the combined market caps of the entire S&P 500, but I just think it's strange. All you new economy analysts and Web 2.0 pundits out there - are you really sure this Adsense thing is the miracle it's been touted to be? I guess it is, but I'm not sold on the idea yet. Maybe one day I'll click on one of these ads and it will all make sense.

Adsense, that is.

Anyways, it's a tough time to be in the newspaper business. If it's any consolation to you newspaper people out there let me say that I still read the paper sometimes. Don't get me wrong, most of my news comes over the internet but I still need the paper for the state and local news. For all it's advantages that's something the internet has never been very good at. It's great if you want the time, date and weather in Bangladesh, but it's not so great if you want to know about corruption down at City Hall. Not that you can't find that information on the net, but only if you're searching for it.

So that's the business news. Anything else I left out. Oh yeah, the Sports. Hey, how about those Forty-Niners!

Come to think of it, maybe I'll just skip the sports.